31 Nights of Terror #19 - Breeders (1986)

Breeders (1986)
Director: Tim Kincaid
Starring: Teresa Farley, Lance Lewman, Frances Raines, Natalie O'Connell
Format: VHS (Roadshow Home Video)

- This video has great cover art. Will the movie itself be able to live up to it?
- And we're off and running with good old fashioned alien rape.
- My VHS copy of this movie is like watching it through a layer of vasoline.
- Detective: "You're not dead, you're alive. And if you're alive you can remember and we can catch whoever did this."
- Teresa Farley (Dr Gamble Pace) gave up acting after Breeders, according to IMDB, and from what I've seen so far, she did the world a favour.
- A too-skinny model doing a line of cocaine, then playing a cassette on a massive boom box. God bless the 80s!
- And then doing yoga in the buff. God bless... naked women?
- Okay so I was just thinking to myself "the acting in this is so bad it feels like a porno without sex". Then I look up director Tim Kincaid on IMDB and discover he's spent the last 10 years directing gay porn (the title Men's Room 3: Ozark Mountain Exit 8 was the first clue). The plot thickens.
- Wait, so a cocaine-snorting fashion model is also a virgin? Huh?
- An alien with tentacles raping a girl. Suddenly I feel like I'm watching some kind of dodgy Japanese porn.
- The "virgins" in this movie sure do spend a lot of time buck nekkid.
- And the actresses who play said victims? Let's just say they're a perky bunch, and I'm not talking about their personalities.
- Bullets didn't faze the vagina-with-teeth alien monster, but a sharp stick kills it? Alrighty then.
- The mildly-bored looks on the actors' faces during the monster transformation scene had me laughing my ass off.

Overall thoughts: With a movie this bad, it always becomes a case of... is it bad enough to actually be good? Breeders is close, but doesn't quite reach the goal. It has quite a few moments of unintentional humor, but just isn't cheesy enough to be so-bad-it's-good. The acting, the special effects, the music - they're all atrocious. About the only thing I can recommend Breeders for is its constant naked flesh - adolescent boys or anyone with a tanlines/perky breasts fetish will be in their element. Otherwise you might want to give it a miss.