TUNE IN JUNE: Time Trax (1993)

Note: Here on Shlock to the System, June is TUNE IN JUNE, which is really just an excuse for me to catch up on some TV series I've been meaning to watch for a while. But I will also be watching a number of TV movies, particularly ones from the hey-day of the TV movie, the 70s and 80s.

 
Time Trax (1993)
Director: Lewis Teague
Starring: Dale Midkiff, Mia Sara, Elizabeth Alexander, Michael Warren, Henry Darrow
Format: VHS

Plot: Captain Darien Lambert (Midkiff) is a police officer in the year 2193, in the elite fugitive retrieval unit. He learns that a prominent scientist has developed a time machine called Trax. For a large fee, he has been sending dangerous criminals back to the year 1993, where they are safe from capture. When Darien corners the scientist, he escapes into the past. Darien also travels to 1993, vowing to retrieve all fugitives and send them back for punishment. Armed with a computer that looks like a credit card, named SELMA (Alexander), and a high-tech laser weapon disguised as a remote car alarm.

This is the two-part pilot of a TV series that apparently lasted two seasons (although I've never seen it, or in fact heard of it before I bought this pilot/movie on VHS). But I quite enjoyed it, and will hopefully come across the series one day and be able to check it out (as far as I can tell it's only available as part of Warner's MOD program, and sells at ridiculous prices).

Because this is a pilot movie, a good portion of it is spent setting up the characters and scenario, which does drag out a bit, but the action really ramps up towards the end, with an exploding boat, a chase through a jungle and someone falling off a massive waterfall. And it's no coincidence that things improve overall once the setting shifts from 2193 to 1993, because the portion set in the future isn't very convincing, or interesting for that matter. The "fish out of water" stuff in 1993 is much more fun.

Dale Midkiff is a likeable enough leading man and he has good chemistry with his love interest, the always-beautiful Mia (FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF), who plays dual roles - a woman in the future who Lambert falls for, and her great-granddaughter in 1993. A year after this she would also star in another time travel story, Jean Claude Van Damme's TIMECOP. Another piece of trivia is that both Midkiff (PET SEMETARY) and director Teague (CUJO) had previously worked on Stephen King adaptions, althought not together.

The hologram companion, coupled with time travel, did make me think of QUANTUM LEAP, with it's similar construct, but Time Trax doesn't have the wry sense of humour of Dean Stockwell's Al.

In summary, if I'd caught this Time Trax pilot back in the day, I'd be tuning in to catch the series to see if it develops well. The concept is interesting and any excuse to look at Mia Sara on a regular basis, am I right?

TUNE IN JUNE: Condor (1986)

Note: Here on Shlock to the System, June is TUNE IN JUNE, which is really just an excuse for me to catch up on some TV series I've been meaning to watch for a while. But I will also be watching a number of TV movies, particularly ones from the hey-day of the TV movie, the 70s and 80s.

Condor (1986)
Director: Virgil W Vogel
Starring: Ray Wise, Wendy Kilbourne, James Avery
Format: Streaming (Netflix)

Plot: In futuristic Los Angeles, a crime-fighting organization known as Condor goes up against the Black Widow, a female master criminal. The Black Widow steals the national security code and threatens to blow up Hollywood unless her old enemy, Proctor, a Condor operative, is turned over to her.

This ABC made-for-TV movie was intended as the pilot for a TV series, but it never happened. Which is a shame, because if this was a series, I'd watch it.

Sure, Condor is pretty damn cheesy but it's also good fun. Most of its appeal is due to leading man Ray Wise (it's hard to believe this is just four years before he'd portray Laura Palmer's dad on TWIN PEAKS), who plays a suave and wise-cracking detective, Proctor.

Attractive blonde Wendy Kilbourne (TV's MIDNIGHT CALLER) is his android partner, Lisa. Naturally Proctor doesn't like having a robot for a partner, and they constantly bicker, as is usually the dynamic in these sorts of shows. Proctor's prejudice against his android partner reminded me of the dynamic in the TV series Alien Nation (as well as Wise's minor resemblence to that series' star, Gary Graham). The late James Avery (Uncle Phil on FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR) turns up in a minor supporting role.

Aside from the good work by Wise, the main reason to watch this is to see how they handle "the future" in 1986. There's plenty of hokey "future" scifi stylings (hands-free driving, robot servants, laser guns, androids, hologram TV) and while the clothing might have seemed quite futuristic at the time, 30 years later it just seems like a slight variation on awful 80s fashions. One funny moment is when Lisa asks Proctor where his PC is. "My what?" he asks, and she replies "Personal Computer". In 1986 this was probably futuristic speak, but today it just seems quaint.

My only real complaint is with the pilot's villain, Rachael Hawkins (Carolyn Seymour), who is as bland as they come. A stronger antagonist might have helped this series get picked up.

Condor isn't anything special, but I was a kid of the 80s who grew up on the TV of the time. This reminded me of any of the various early-80s scifi/crime shows (Street Hawk, Automan, Knight Rider, Airwolf), minus the cool vehicle, but with the overall same sort of vibe. For that reason I enjoyed it, although it's probably not to everyone's tastes.

August 9 - City Limits (1984)

The cover of my VHS copy of City Limits

City Limits (1984)
Director: Aaron Lipstadt
Format: VHS (Vestron)

In the future a plague has wiped out most of the population. Motorcycle gangs the Clippers and the DAs share control of a major US city, fighting gunless battles. Young Lee (John Stockwall, CHRISTINE) leaves the desert and goes to the city in search of adventure and joins the Clippers. A corporation from outside the city sides with the DAs, but wants control of the whole city, so starts breaking the rules. Lee and the Clippers must fight back, and soon they unite with the DAs to try to rid their city of the evil outsiders.

This was the second film by director Aaron Lipstadt, who went on to a lengthy career directing TV. It's easy to see how he made that transition, because City Limits has a definite television feel to it. The fights and violence are done in a non-exploitive way and the overall vibe is that of a slightly grittier version of an 80s TV show like Street Hawk or Blue Thunder.

Like most 80s futuristic scifi action flicks, this one is clearly influenced by The Road Warrior, with lots of bulky costumes and motorbikes covered in armor. The sets are your usual post-apocalyptic cityscapes.

The acting is really quite good. Stockwell does a good enough job as the naive young hero and is ably supported by a cast that includes legend James Earl Jones (two years after his villainous turn in CONAN THE BARBARIAN, but back to playing a good guy role) and a whole host of young up and comers. They include Rae Dawn Chong (a year before her star turn in COMMANDO) and Kim Cattrall (already established as an actress but a couple of years prior to breaking out in BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA and MANNEQUIN).

Also in the cast are familiar faces Robby Benson (WALK PROUD), John Diehl (KICKBOXER 2) and DON OPPER (CRITTERS franchise), who also helped write City Limits. And look out for bit parts by stuntman extraordinaire Gene LeBell and Jason Vorhees himself, Kane Hodder.

The biggest failing is the plot. It lacks direction and just seems to meander along. The concepts are good, but Opper, Lipstadt and company just plain failed to turn them into anything noteworthy.

That's not to say City Limits isn't worth watching. It has a great cast, some interesting ideas and the odd piece of good action. Oh, and Kim Cattrall gets her kit off.

July 14 - American Cyborg: Steel Warrior (1993)

The cover of my VHS copy of American Cyborg: Steel Warrior

American Cyborg: Steel Warrior (1993)
Director: Boaz Davidson
Format: VHS (Cannon)

Just one of many in a long line of low budget early 90s scifi actioners directly inspired by Terminator 2: Judgement Day, this clumsily-titled flick is an above average effort, filmed in Tel Aviv, Israel by Palestinian director Boaz Davidson.

It's one of two scifi movies Davidson helmed in the space of three years, the other one being the Michael Pare vehicle Lunar Cop (which I've previously reviewed). This one is a major improvement over that - my major gripe with Lunar Cop was its unfuturistic future sets, but here the sets are dark and dirty as they should be in a post-apocalyptic tale.

The male lead, Joe Lara, is also a big improvement on Pare. Lara's not going to win any acting awards, but he's believable as a brooding action hero.

After derivative opening narration that fills us in about mankind going sterile and cyborgs now ruling the roost, we meet Mary (Nicole Hansen). She's humankind's last hope, a pregnant female (although her creepy-as-hell fetus is out of her body and riding around in a plastic jar). She needs to get to the port of the ravaged city to catch a ride to Europe, but out to stop her is a cyborg (John Saint Ryan, DELTA FORCE 3).

To Mary's rescue comes street warrior Austin (Lara, STEEL FRONTIER) and together they battle their way through the city to get to the port, encountering various cyberpunk-esque characters along the way and battling the chasing cyborg. Naturally they fall in love in the process and there's a nice plot twist towards the end.

The acting is good for a movie with such a low budget (and missing any big name actors) and, as I previously mentioned, the post-apocalyptic cityscape sets are nicely done. The fight scenes are good enough, mainly consisting of gunfights and martial arts. My only real gripe is that the cyborg could have been more menacing - he just plain sucks at shooting people only a few feet away and struggles to beat a puny guy like Austin in hand-to-hand combat. He does have a nice spin kick though, something Arnie never had.

There's no gore to speak of and the closest we get to T&A is Hansen showing off some decent cleavage and pouring water over herself. This movie rates low on the unintentional humour front and there's not much in the way of cheesiness. It's just a solid low budget scifi actioner which did enough to keep me interested from start to finish.

Previews on my VHS: Stalin, The Bodyguard, Unforgiven, To The Death, Tommyknockers

June 16 - Paul Kyriazi double feature

Paul Kyriazi's directorial output amounted to five movies in a 14-year period and none of them are easy to find. Luckily I happen to own two of them on VHS. It's Double Feature time!

The cover of my VHS copy of Death Machines

Death Machines (1976)
Director: Paul Kyriazi
Format: VHS (K-Tel)

I always know I'm onto a low-budget gem when I check IMDB and find that most of the actors in a movie have only a couple more credits to their name. That's the case with Death Machines, the debut effort from director Paul Kyriazi.

The Death Machines (who, according to the back of my VHS "are the ultimate exterminators") are three superhuman hitmen who use martial arts, guns and more to do the bidding of their evil mistress, a giant-haired Oriental dragon lady (played by Mari Honjo - check out http://www.marihonjo.com/ to read the real-life story of her disappearance). She's in turn taking orders from a shady guy who never shows his face, but that has no bearing on the plot.

The Death Machines are the imaginatively-named White Death Machine (Ron Marchini, NINJA WARRIORS), Asian Death Machine (Michael Chong, TO LIVE AND DIE IN LA) and Black Death Machine (Joshua Johnson, THE WEAPONS OF DEATH).

These three cool dudes, who are impervious to bullets, start off by knocking off the hitmen of a rival ganglord. They hurl one hitman off a roof, blow up the next one with a bazooka(!) and then take out a guy in a phone booth with a bulldozer(!).

Then they massacre a whole dojo full of ineffectua karate students, but one of the students survives, albeit minus one of his hands. This one-handed dude (John Lowe) vows revenge, accompanied by a hot nurse from the hospital he ended up in (played by some mystery, uncredited girl).

The rival crime kingpin, Mr Gioretti (Chuck Katzakian), joins forces with the dragon lady, who orders her Death Machines to kill our hero and his new love. How can a one-handed karate student possibly defeat three undead ninjas?

The plot is nonsensical and full of holes, but never predictable or boring. As a straight action movie there's not much to recommend about Death Machines, but as a cheesefest full of unintentional laughs, it's a goldmine.

The music and fashions are so cringingly 70s, especially Katzakian's super-snazzy suits. The fight scenes are mostly slow-paced and uninspiring, but how can you complain when weapons like bazookas and a bulldozer are thrown into the mix?

Cheesy highlights include:
- A hilarious scene in a police station where White Death Machine takes on a bunch of cops, who end up accidentally shooting each other instead of him.
- The Death Machines take out bikers in a restaurant with a knee-slapping country song playing.
- The lack of chemistry between our hero and his love interest. Their sex scene consists of a silhouetted kiss, then her lying in bed with a look of disgust on her face.

My only gripe is the lack of gore, but at least there's some brief nudity to add to the sleaze factor.

Death Machines is highly recommended for fans of cheesy 70s martial arts action flicks. It's fun from start to finish.

Previews on my VHS: Junkman, Alone in the Dark, The Raiders of Atlantis (aka Atlantis Interceptors, which I reviewed last month).

The cover of my VHS copy of Omega Cop

Omega Cop (1990)
Director: Paul Kyriazi
Format: VHS (Triumph)

Death Machines was Paul Kyriazi's first feature. This is his last (he's still alive according to IMDB, so I guess he could make a return to directing, but after an absence of 21 years that's pretty unlikely).

Omega Cop reunites Kyriazi with two of his stars from Death Machines - Ron Marchini, who played the White Death Machine, and Chuck Katzakian, who played crime boss Mr Gioretti. Marchini is the star, which marks a big change of pace from his silent Death Machines role.

Omega Cop starts with narration by Adam West(!) about the greenhouse effect. Sorry, but I've seen far too much Family Guy to take West seriously. His narration is meant to be heartfelt and scene-setting, but I keep expecting him to say something like "I love this job more than I love taffy ... and I'm a man who enjoys his taffy."

This movie is set in a world which has, in the words of ol' Mayor West, "gone to pot". Solar flares kill anyone who doesn't get undercover in time and drive others crazy if they're burnt. Huh? I'm no scientist but that seems to lack logic. Bah, who needs logic in a b-movie action flick, right?

Anyway, Marchini is John Travis, a cop who loses his three partners during a shoot out at a place where kidnapped women are being auctioned off. He escapes and saves one of the slave women (Meg Thayer, SATURDAY THE 14TH STRIKES BACK), then saves another chick (Jennifer Jostyn, HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES), the daughter of a trader who gets murdered by another gang of scumbags.

With two sassy chicks now in tow, Travis tries unsuccessfully to get back into police headquarters, but his boss (West) is worried they might be infected. So it's off to find the crime boss, Wraith (Katzakian).

But wait, first he has to go get his hat(!) from a group of baddies and... surprise, surprise, rescue another girl. Travis sure is the chivalrous type! He's captured by Wraith's gang, who for some reason take him alive. He escapes and re-unites with his harem of rescued babes, but predictably the baddies snatch up two of the chicks while he's away getting supplies.

So it's up to our knight in tight pants (with the other girl in tow) to do what he does best - rescue the girlies - and take down Wraith. After kicking ass on a few dozen baddies first, naturally.

With a movie like this, it's all about the action and there's a good amount of it here. Like in Death Machines, the fight scenes are wooden and slow, but there's enough punching, kicking, shooting and falling from high places to keep things interesting. That is, when Travis isn't running - there's way too much screen-time taken up with him chasing down people.

The original music by Cecil Ramirez and Ralph Stover (whose only other credits are two more Kyriazi flicks, including the sequel to this, KARATE COP), is hilariously bad and derivative. There's a Beach Boys rip off riff that plays during driving scenes (and the end credits), Leone-esque western music that cues during any kind of stand-off or showdown, the odd bit of Japanese flute to remind us that this is a martial arts flick, and other assorted generic synth music.

The acting is pretty damn bad, but bad enough to add to the cheese value. The worst perpetrator is Katzakian, who grumbles and mumbles while trying to act menacing, and Thayer is easy on the eyes but as wooden as a tree. Marchini's no leading man or action star, but he does a passable job. The best of the actors is Jostyn - it's easy to see why she's had the most successful career out of this cast.

Rugged 50s/60s leading man Stuart Whitman (NIGHT OF THE LEPUS) has a cameo as a doctor who finds out sunscreen isn't a bad thing. Adam West is only onscreen for a short time at the start and end. I'd say that's a shame, but as I mentioned earlier, Family Guy has reduced him to a caricature, so no real loss. Plus, he gets to go out with a bang.

And sorry lads, but there's no nudity here. For a movie about women slaves, it sure could have done with some gratuitous nekkidness. Travis doesn't get anything more than a peck on the cheek from any of his three damsels in distress. How's that for gratitude!

So, to summarise: Bad acting, bad music and action that makes up for its low quality with quantity = a cheesy good time!

Previews on my VHS: Four Weddings and a Funeral, We're Talking Serious Money, Philadelphia, Morning Glory, Warlock, Gunmen, Time Runner, Laser Mission, Wolf, All Tied Up.

June 8 - Cyber Tracker (1994)

The cover of my VHS copy of Cyber Tracker

Cyber Tracker (1994)
Director: Richard Pepin
Format: VHS (21 Century)

Early on in this movie a cybertracker (ie Terminator-ripoff) looks at a statue of some kind of robot in a bar and his internal scan flicks through several names - Gort, THX 1138 and T1000.

It's a shame that tongue-in-cheek humour doesn't continue for the rest of the movie, but regardless Cyber Tracker is a fun little scifi action flick.

Starring everyone's former kickboxing champion Don "the Dragon" Wilson, this movie was released the same year as another Wilson vessel, Bloodfist V: Human Target (see my recent review of that as part of Cormania 2011).

Set sometime in the future, Cyber Tracker has Wilson playing Eric Phillips, a bodyguard for corrupt Senator Robert Dilly (John Aprea, GODFATHER II). When he refuses to go along with Dilly's evil plans, Phillips is framed for murder and becomes a target for a series of cyber trackers (all played by Jim Maniaci), cyborg cops who hunt down and carry out death sentences on condemned criminals.

Along with the pre-requisite love interest, a reporter-turned-resistance fighter (Stacie Foster), Phillips has to survive being hunted by the cyber trackers while trying to bring down Dilly.

From what I've seen, futuristic scifi action b-movies from the 1980s and 90s tend to go one of two ways - over the top futuristic sets and costumes, or the bare minimum. Cyber Tracker is definitely the latter. You wouldn't know this was set in the future if it wasn't for the cyborgs and some little touches (like a talking computer that controls a house's functions).

But while the plate is virtually empty for the scifi fan, there's plenty of explosions, gunfights, fistfights and car chases to keep the action fan's belly full.

And fans of unintentional humour, you're in luck. From the corny, out-of-place Omenesque music that plays at several points, to terrible soap opera-like footage of Phillips and a former love and chuckle-inducing sped up running as a cyber tracker chases down a car, the laughs keep coming.

The supporting cast is mostly unremarkable, but noteworthy are Australian Richard Norton (ROAD HOUSE 2) as the snarling head of Dilly's security team and crater-faced Joseph Ruskin (SWORD AND THE SORCERER) as the boss of the cyborg company - the latter bringing some unintentional laughs during a nonsensical rant about the state of society.

Previews on my VHS: Housewife from Hell (complete with lots of naked boobies in the trailer), The Custodian.

June 1 - Digital Man

The cover of my VHS copy of Digital Man

Digital Man (1995)
Director: Phillip J. Roth
Format: VHS (20th Century Fox)

After being on a bit of a war movie kick lately, I decided I needed something completely different and cheesy 90s scifi seemed like just the thing. With a line on the back of the VHS that says "He's Terminator, Cyborg and Robocop welded into one", along with a photo of Adam Baldwin, my hopes were high.

I've never heard of director Phillip J. Roth, but it seems he has a thing for cyborgs. His credits include such legendary titles (yes, that's sarcasm) as APEX, Prototype and Interceptor Force 2.

After some cheesy Playstation-esque CGI in the opening sequence, we're thrust into a situation somewhere in space in the future, where terrorists have stolen the launch codes for dozens of nuclear missiles. In response, the authorities send Digital Man (Matthias Hues, KICKBOXER 2 - minus his trademark long blonde hair) to take care of business.

On the flight back from taking out the terrorists, a botched sabotage attempt sees D1 (as Digital Man is officially known) crash land back on earth, in the desolate desert landscape of the Badwater nuclear testing range. The authorities, fearing that D1 has gone rogue, send a crack team of space commandos to decommission him and take back the launch codes.

There are civilians - made up of various cartoonish rednecks - living in Badwater, who soon find that D1 doesn't come in peace. The commandos (led by Kristen Dalton of the DEAD ZONE TV series and Ken Olandt of SUMMER SCHOOL, offering a romantic subplot) come to the defence of the locals, engaging in a series of explosion-laden throwdowns with Digital Man. Can they stop him before he transmits the launch codes and brings armageddon?

Digital Man is a sci-fi western (the soundtrack even features harmonica music). It takes the basic plot of countless westerns (including a number of Clint Eastwood vessels) of a lone stranger coming to town to protect its inhabitants from a ruthless gang of baddies and flips it on its head. So instead we have a gang of good guys protecting the locals from one ruthless stranger (although D1 never comes across as overtly evil, no matter how many innocent people he knocks off).

The line I mentioned from the back of the VHS correctly suggests that Roth unashamedly rips off bigger-budget scifi fare. The fact that Hues speaks with an Eastern European accent (he's German) makes the comparisons with The Terminator unavoidable, but the D1 POV shots with computer options are right out of Robocop.

The costumes are fantastically hokey - Digital Man and the commandos shoot guns that look like giant leafblowers, and the commandos' costumes consist of silver American Football pads over black clothing. The special effects are just as cheesy, particularly anything involving a spaceship or lasers, but there are plenty of big, pretty explosions to make up for it.

The cast of Digital Man includes lots of recognisable faces. On top of the always-enjoyable non-Baldwin-brother Adam Baldwin (PREDATOR 2) there's Paul Gleason (MANIAC COP 3), Ed Lauter (DEATH WISH 3), Don Swayze (DRIVING FORCE), Amanda Wyss (NIGHTMARE ON ELM ST) and even a brief appearance by Clint Howard (EVILSPEAK). The most fun character is a gun-toting granny played by the always-lively Susan Tyrrell, who is on screen too briefly to be able to to ham it up like she did in John Water's CRY-BABY, but still stands out.

Digital Man is good corny fun. Fans of scifi western should enjoy it, as should anyone looking for scifi that's not too heavy on plot and full of flashy explosions. I'm pretty sure it's never had a DVD release, but if you happen to come across the VHS, check it out.

Previews on my VHS: Buffalo Girls, Warriors, Never Say Die, Nine Months, The Brothers McMullen.

May 25 - "Bad actors fight evil in the future" double feature

Today I watched two cheesy action flicks featuring uncharismatic lead actors battling evil in the future.

The cover of my VHS copy of Lunar Cop

Lunar Cop (1995)
Director: Boaz Davidson
Format: VHS (Nu Image)

In the year 2050, 27 years after an "ecological apocalypse" called the Big Burn (climate change on steroids maybe?), rich survivors live on a moon base. They've developed a serum that will "refoliate" the planet, but a pesky bunch of terrorists steal it and flee to Earth.

Michael Pare (EDDIE AND THE CRUISERS) stars as Joe Brody, a cop sent to earth to retrieve the serum. Upon arrival he saves pretty "savage" Thora (Walker Brandt, CITY SLICKERS) from rape at the hands of Kay (Billy Drago, CYBORG 2), the leader of The Rough Boys, a gang of motorbike-riding savages who look like they're late for a Mad Max convention.

Brody befriends the people of Thora's peace-loving colony and from there Space Mutiny boils down to a "good guy helps peasants fight back against baddies using unconventional methods" scenario, which we've all seen a million times, mosty in westerns.

There's a twist that makes Brody question his allegiance to the moon dwellers and a final showdown with his robot partner from the moon (foreshadowed in the opening), and then a final twist that is definitely more of a surprise and ends up quite heartfelt.

Now, I love a good post-apocalyptic flick. Love 'em. But one of the major problems I have with Lunar Cop is it doesn't feel very apocalyptic. Aside from some Road Warrior-esque costumes, it could be set in the deserts of present day Mexico or the South West of the US. Everything's too clean and polished to be post-apocalyptic. At least make it dirty and gritty!

That gripe aside, the action is pretty good, with director Boaz Davidson (AMERICAN CYBORG: STEEL WARRIOR) making sure there are lots and lots of motorcycles flying through the air, explosions, shot gun blasts and fist fights to keep things interesting. This is Davidson's last credited directing job though, so I guess the studio wasn't happy with his efforts.

Pare has always relied on his good looks and as usual here he comes up short in the charisma department. Luckily that's something Billy Drago has plenty of, and aside from the action he's the reason to watch Lunar Cop.

Previews on my VHS: Streetcar named Desire (1995), Bird of Prey, A Walk in the Clouds, The Brothers MacMullen.

The cover of my VHS copy of Space Mutiny

Space Mutiny (1988)
Director: David Winters and Neal Sundstrom
Format: VHS (Palace)

At some point in the future the remnants of the human race are travelling through space on a massive spaceship that is virtually a floating planet. Sound familiar? Battlestar Galactica maybe?

I haven't watched the new TV series, but I'm very familiar with the original 70s series, so straight away I recognised the space battle footage early on in Space Mutiny as being recycled from it. It's unmistakeable - the same Star Wars-ripoff fighters and Cylon ships, even the laser sound effects remain unchanged.

Onto this colony ship comes Dave Ryder (former American footballer Reb Brown, who played Captain America in two CAPTAIN AMERICA TV movies), who is a ruggedly-handsome fighter pilot. He immediately gets mixed up in a plot by one of the ship's commanders (John Phillip Law, who played Sinbad in 1973's THE GOLDEN VOYAGE OF SINBAD), who sabotages things in the hope the ship will be forced to land on a nearby planet. He's sick of floating through space and wants to feel terra firma beneath his shiny space boots. Assisting him in this plot is another traiterous officer, played by James Ryan (KICKBOXER 5).

Cameron Mitchell (TOOLBOX MURDERS) is the Lorne Greene of the ship, all wise with his bushy white beard and flowing robes. His daughter and Ryder's love interest is played by Cisse Cameron, who ended up marrying Brown.

As Ryder battles to save the ship from the mutineers, there's a weird subplot involving a group of female space witches, which feels like it was added to pad out the running time. And it probably was.

As well as the recycled Battlestar Galactica footage, there's plenty more space cheese to go around. Some of the costumes are right out of American Gladiator, while others are the more conventional Star Trek/Wars ripoffs. Apparently in the future they use hula hoops to boogie to corny synth music while dry ice fills the dance floor. And wait until you see the chase scenes involving what amount to galactic bumper cars.

The acting? Oh, it's bad. Brown struggles any time he is called upon to emote, but luckily most of his lines consist of yelling "Let's move" or "Son of a bitch" while running around shooting lasers. Law's bad guy is quite dastardly - we know that because of the amount of times he gives an uber-evil Mwa-ha-ha laugh. All that's missing is a curly mustache for him to twirl.

Bad acting. Cheesy special effects and costumes. A lame plot. What does all this add up to? A damn good time, naturally! Space Mutiny sits right up there with some of the best cheesefests going around. Definitely recommended!

Oh, and apparently this was riffed by Mystery Science Theater 3000. I like MST3K but haven't seen that episode, of which I'm kinda glad. It was fun to see Space Mutiny in all of its natural glory first.

Previews on my VHS: The Invisible Kid, Tiger Warsaw, Cameron's Closet, Across the Lake