Mad Mission 4: You Never Die Twice (1986)

 The cover of my VHS copy of Mad Mission 4

Mad Mission 4: You Never Die Twice (1986)
Director: Ringo Lam
Starring: Samuel Hui, Karl Maka, Sally Yeh
Format: VHS

Plot: Nancy Ho (Sylvia Chang) is kidnapped by villains who want to obtain a hi-tech prism, created by a Hong Kong professor, that can grant superhuman powers. In exchange for her return, Ho's husband Baldy (Maka), his buddy Sam (Hui) and the professor's daughter Sally (Yeh), joined by Baldy's son Baldy Jr, fly to New Zealand to deliver the hi-tech prism to the crooks. However, not allowing to let the crooks succeed, they must band together to prevent the prism from being used.

I haven't seen any of the prior three Mad Mission movies (which I understand were originally titled Aces Go Places). I picked up this VHS a couple of years ago and have been meaning to watch it, mainly because it's a Hong Kong action movie which is partly filmed in my home country, New Zealand.

This movie will mainly be of interest to fans of Jackie Chan-style martial arts action/comedy flicks, but has added appeal to New Zealanders like me. It's fun seeing some familiar sights (downtown Auckland, downtown Wellington, Auckland airport, Huntly Power Station etc) and how they were in 1986. Any Kiwi will easily pick up on the goofy geography used here - during a single, short car chase, our heroes leave Auckland Airport, drive over the Auckland Harbour Bridge and are suddenly in Wellington (which is at least an 8-hour drive from Auckland).

As I already mentioned, this looks and feels like one of Jackie Chan's Hong Kong movies, and leading man Hui even looks and fights like Chan (and has the same goofy facial expressions). His fighting isn't as intricate as Chan, but Hui still holds his own during the action scenes and is likeable enough.

Karl Maka is his bumbling sidekick Baldy (although the English language dubbing calls him Cody throughout), a role he plays completely for comedic value. Maka's goofy antics wear thin after a while - the best stuff happens towards the end when he's held captive and Hui and Yeh are allowed to operate without him.

The supporting cast also has some familiar faces, such as main baddie Ronald Lacey, the Nazi with the disfigured hand in Raiders of the Lost Ark. The script even plays homage to that particular role during the climax. Kiwis will also recognise prolific NZ actor Peter McCauley (LOST WORLD TV series) in the role as Lacey's head goon.

Movies like this fall or stand on their action set-pieces, and there are plenty of good ones (helicopter-speedboat chase, bazooka fired from helicopter, car jumping between high-rise buildings etc) showcased here. Director Ringo Lam would go on to helm a string of Chow Yun-Fat movies as well as a couple of late-90s JVCD flicks (Maximum Risk and The Replicant), and during this early effort he shows a good eye for fast-paced action. Sure, things get goofy Hong Kong-style, including a series of insane stunts involving a toddler falling off a skyscraper, but for the most part Lam keeps it from getting too groanworthy. The only major mis-step is a scene at an ice hockey game, which is played for pure comedy but isn't really funny.

In keeping with the Jackie Chan comparison, the end credits even feature bloopers and behind-the-scenes footage, something that Chan's movies are well-known for.

Mad Mission 4 is a lot of fun. Highly recommended for martial arts fans and those who enjoy their action mixed with wacky comedy.

November 30 - Forced Vengeance [1982]

The cover of my VHS copy of Forced Vengeance

Forced Vengeance (1982)
Director: James Fargo
Starring: Chuck Norris, Mary Louise Weller, Camilla Griggs
Format: VHS (MGM/UA)

I have a confession to make. Despite being a lifelong fan of action movies, good and bad, I've only seen one or maybe two Chuck Norris films. I've definitely seen The Octagon (which I own on DVD) and I think I watched Lone Wolf McQuade back in the mid-80s, but I can't be too sure about that one. I think the few glimpses that I saw of his TV series Walker: Texas Ranger probably scared me away from the guy.

But good ol' Chuck has become something of a pop culture icon in recent years (if you get a chance, check out Ian Spector's book "The Truth About Chuck Norris", it's hilarious). With a handful of Norris vehicles in my VHS collection asking to be watched, I sidestepped the more obvious choices (McQuade, Delta Force etc) and went for the one with the coolest cover - 1982's Forced Vengeance.

Now, as I've just admitted, I don't have much knowledge of other Chuck flicks to call on, but I imagine Forced Vengeance is pretty standard fare for his movies. Norris plays a good, moraled guy who is wronged by some shady types and kicks their asses. Ha, I guess I just described every action movie of the 80s, right?

Norris is Josh Randell, an American working as head of security at a small family-owned casino in Hong Kong. The casino owner (veteran actor David Opatoshu) is like a father to him. When the casino owner's real son gets into debt with another, shadier casino boss named Stan Raimondi (played with pompous delight by Michael Cavanaugh, ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN), father and son are killed.

You'd think that would be the moment when Randell would open up a can of whoop-ass, but no. Sure, he's bummed about it (it's hard to tell with Norris' acting range), but he's more worried about protecting his dead boss's daughter (the beautiful Camilla Griggs) and snooping for answers than kicking butt. Shame.

Things meander along with the odd bit of chop-socky, but it's only when Raimondi's men kill his 'Nam vet buddy (Bob Minor, who played a similar role opposite Arny in COMMANDO) and rape his girl (Mary Louise Weller, who I didn't even recognise as the same actress who played straight-laced sorority queen Mandy Pepperidge in ANIMAL HOUSE) that he finally brings forth the sweet, sweet vengeance. We know it's coming because... we get a montage! Even Rocky had a montage.

As an action flick, Forced Vengeance comes good on its title in the final act. Before that there's too much talking and not enough kicking. But what action there is is well shot by director James Fargo (who'd previously worked with Clint Eastwood on The Enforcer and Every Which Way But Loose) as Norris kicks, punches and shoots various Asian hoodlums with glee. The good news is there's lots of humour (some intended, most unintentional) and cheese to keep the b-grade action fan happy, and a small amount of nudity (although it's mostly of the non-fun, rapey kind).

I honestly don't think I've ever seen a movie with this many mustaches. Not just Chuck's famous lip-sweater either - three out of every four bad guys has a mustachio, and some of them are faker than a politician's smile! The fashions, the acting, the music (for the most part good, but then you get a synth knockoff of Super Freak in a night club) - it's all cheesy good fun.

The dialogue is hilariously bad a lot of the time (Chuck: "Never let your girl hold your piece"). About the only annoying thing is the Norris narration that opens and closes the film and pops up throughout. It's badly-read and corny, but not in a good way. The best intentional humour occurs when Chuck takes on a guy with nunchucks, who sees his gun and slowly backs out of shot, only to return with two buddies.

If the fashions, hair and abundance of lip-hair don't do enough to give away Forced Vengeance's place in time, soccer fans will have a chuckle as Josh and his adopted family sit down to watch a "championship cup game" pitting Brighton against Nottingham Forrest - two teams that haven't been top clubs for a long time.

Again, I can't judge if Forced Vengeance is one of Norris' better films, but all I know is it's entertaining. A little too slow-paced in parts, but the cheese factor and the action in the last third make up for that.

November 7 - Silver Dragon Ninja (1986)

The cover of my VHS copy of Silver Dragon Ninja

Silver Dragon Ninja (1986)
Director: Don Kong
Starring: Harry Caine, Sam Yosida, Jim Gross
Format: VHS (IPD)

After watching 31 horror movies in the month of October, I've had a real hankering for some cheesy action. Don't get me wrong, I love horror movies, but I'm all horrored out for a while and need a change of pace. What better way to do that than with a Hong Kong ninja flick?

Like a lot of these cheap ninja efforts, this one is actually two movies spliced into one. The ninja portion has Silver Dragon Ninja (an uncredited Paulo Tocha, BLOODSPORT, PREDATOR 2) trying to rid Hong Kong of the evil Black Ninjas. The other, longer portion is a crime yarn about two cops trying to bring down a gang of baddies, which is clearly influenced by Scarface and other gangster films. There's also a female cop who goes undercover inside the gang.

I could go into more detail about the plot but a) So much of it is nonsensical that it'd be futile to try to summarise it, and b) who the hell watches these movies for the plot anyway? It's all about the action baby, and Silver Dragon Ninja delivers with an abundance of ninja fights and gun battles.

The martial arts fights are badly-choreographed but fast-paced and never boring. They feature an array of cheesy effects - ninjas disappear or reappear in a puff of smoke and all kicks, punches and weapon attacks are accompanied by cartoonish sound effects.

Most of the police action is fairly conventional (lots of shootouts between baddies and cops, and baddies and baddies), but there is one scene where a kid is blown up by a bomb strapped to a remote control car(!), another involving a dirtbike and molotov cocktails, and one baddie dies after being stabbed between the legs with a large piece of glass. Ouch!

The dialogue and voice dubbing are hilariously bad. Some of the voices are so hokey they sound like they were provided by Monty Python Silly Voices Preservation Society. One Hong Kong cop even speaks with an Australian accent, which is funny but a bit distracting. The prize for worst acting goes to Silver Dragon Ninja's apprentice, who appears in only two short scenes. His delivery is monotone to the extreme - we're talking porn-level bad.

As an aside, I recognised one piece of the music as an instrumental portion of Tonight by Genesis (used with permission? Yeah right!).

Final verdict? Silver Dragon Ninja is lots of fun and a must watch for any fan of low budget, spliced-together flicks like Ninja USA, Born a Ninja and any of Godfrey Ho's countless ninja films (I have my suspicions director Don Kong is Ho under a pseudonym).

June 28 - Born a Ninja (1987)

The cover of my VHS copy of Born a Ninja

Born a Ninja (1987)
Director: Lo Gio
Format: VHS (City Lites)

Talk about a hard movie to research. I looked up the name on IMDB and was taken to a Godfrey Ho movie from 1989, but the plot outline didn't gel at all. Then I looked up the director and actors... nothing. A google search turned up a few random snippets of information, but they left me even more confused than when I started.

What I do know from watching this Hong Kong movie is that it's a Godfrey Ho-type cut and paste job. The main plot is about a guy named Tanaka who is trying to get hold of a formula, while some bad guys are also after it. This part would seem to come from a TV series or movie called Born Invincible, which might be a sequel to something called both Risky Commando and American Commando Ninja. The reason I'm not sure if it's a movie or TV series is the camerawork, lighting and film stock all point to TV rather than a movie.

The other part has a camoflaged ninja fighting a white ninja. The origin of this material I'm not sure. Given his cut and paste job it is entirely possible that "Lo Gio" is Godfrey Ho (who is renowned for c&ping bits of movies into incoherent messes - see my review of Instant Rage). The on-screen credits list Joseph Lai as a producer and Steven Soul as the writer, and they both worked a lot with Ho, so I'm going with that theory, although there is a noticable absence of Richard Harrison, Ho's go-to guy for dozens of flicks in the late 80s.

But let's put all of that aside, along with our brains, because Born a Ninja is one fantastically-crazy mess of a movie. Forget about trying to figure out what the hell is going on with the plot and just enjoy what's happening on screen, and there's a whole heapin' helpin' of fun to be had here.

There's lots of 80s fashions (bright fluoro clothing, bad hair and makeup) to giggle at, the music almost never fits what is happening on screen and there are more over-dramatic extreme close-ups than in your average Mexican soap opera.

Here are just some of the other highlights:
- One of the ninjas can not only disappear in a puff of smoke, but he can also disappear and replace himself instantly by a straw dummy!
- Lots and lots of slow motion and wacky sound effects!
- A dude breathing fire (not like a firebreather performer, like a dragon!)
- Some kind of hand-off goes down between two guys sitting in bumper boats!
- A guy catches the blade of a sword in his mouth, then deep-throats it without any effect!
- One of the girls looks like an Asian Valley girl, but her dubbed-in voice is uber-posh English!
- "Hey Larry, great job, two chicks at the same time" (a similar one-liner to one in Instant Rage, again convincing me this is a Godfrey Ho flick).
- Two ninjas fighting in front of a waterfall (another similarity with Instant Rage).

I really have to reiterate that those are just some of the highlights. There's so much happening on screen of the WTF variety that by the time the movie ends (without credits) you're left slack-jawed wondering what on earth just happened.

I'm not sure how easy this one is to find (I doubt it's on DVD), but it's a must for any fan of bizarre, nonsensical ninja flicks.