What I Watched - November 8-14 2015

WHAT I WATCHED - NOVEMBER 8-14 2015:

Croaked: Frog Monster from Hell (1981) Amazon
- I've just signed up for a trial period of Amazon Prime and while perusing the free streaming video on the site I came across a bunch of obscure regional horror movies that I haven't seen anywhere else, this one included. Also known as "Rana: Legend of Shadow Lake" it is from renowned Wisconsin-based schlockmeister Bill Rebane (Blood Harvest, Giant Spider Invasion etc) and is purely for the lovers of bad, low-budget cinema. With narration that makes it sound like an episode of Wonderful World of Disney and laughable man-in-suit monster effects, this flick is pretty dire, but at the same time has a cheesy charm that I enjoyed somewhat.

Old 37 (2015) AVI

- I was pretty excited to check this one out, since its two main stars are horror legends Kane Hodder and Bill Moseley. Who could pass up the chance to see Jason Vorhees and ChopTop in action together, right? Unfortunately, while it's good to see these two legends in action together, the story (brothers pretend to be paramedics and pick up victims in their old No 37 ambulance - hence the name) leaves a lot to be desired. It's badly lit, the music is horrible loud rock music (I'm a metaller, but in this case the music doesn't suit the movie) and there's bugger all gore (or its impossible to see because of the shitty lighting). A bunch of flashbacks also kill what atmosphere there is. I've since learned that Moseley and Hodder have starred in quite a few movies together in recent years (including Charlie's Farm and Smothered) - hopefully they're better than this.

The Doberman Gang (1972) AVI

- Another movie I watched simply because of it's rareness - as far as I can tell it has never been released on DVD. Apparently this one led to a string of sequels, all with the same basic premise - a team of five Doberman Pincer dogs are trained to carry out some kind of criminal task. In this case it's rob a bank. There's not much more to it than that, bar some squabbling among the thieves behind the plan. This is good, harmless fun in a 1970s TV movie kind of way (although it appears to have been a cinematic release), with goofy comedy and cheesy, cheesy music (dig the theme song: "They were the doggonest gang than man could ever see, all them animals just like you and me").

Evidence (2013) Netflix

- Part slasher movie, part CSI-type police procedural, Evidence's plot has more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese, but if you look past that, it's entertaining, particularly if you like mysteries. A group of people who break down at a desert gas station end up being massacred by a mysterious killer wearing a welding mask, and police try to solve the case using footage from the victims' phones and cameras. There's not a great deal of gore (although seeing someone set alight by a welding-torch-wielding killer was kinda cool), so this leans heavily towards the mystery/police side rather than the horror side of things. The acting's pretty good (led by Silent Hill's Radha Mitchell and True Blood's Steven Moyer) and the twist ending actually caught me off-guard. Add in some pretty nifty camera effects and this one's a definite recommendation.

Requiem for a Dream (2000) DVD

- I picked this up for $1 from a video rental store closing down in my town, and my girlfriend had never seen it - so that had to be remedied. Of course this is a fantastic piece of cinema from Darren Aronofsky (The Wrestler, The Fountain, Black Swan etc) and the ultimate "don't do hard drugs" message. I love the split-screen camera work and the nifty editing, and there's top notch acting on display from Jared Leto, Jennifer Connelly, Marlon Wayans and Ellen Burstyn (who was rightfully nominated for an Oscar for her work). Easily one of the best movies released in the early 2000s.

Future-Kill (1985) AVI

- This is a movie that has been at the periphery of my consciousness since I first saw it on VHS in about 1986 (when I was 11 years old). A few scenes have stuck in my head ever since but I never got around to finding it again, until now. I wish I'd gotten around to it sooner - specifically before I met star Edwin Neal (more famous for his role as The Hitchhiker in the original TCM) at a horror convention in the early 2000s. I would have loved to have heard his thoughts on it. Plot-wise, Future-Kill is part Porkies (frat boy shenanigans) and part The Warriors (zany street gangs in outrageous costumes), with a main bad guy that looks like a cross between Robocop and The Humongous from The Road Warrior. As a piece of cinema this isn't anything great, but as a cheesy 80s scifi/horror it kicks ass.

Tick Tick Tick (1970) AVI

- Another from my list of "never been released on DVD" downloads, Tick Tick Tick is a fascinating look at racial relations in small-town America in the late 60s and early 70s. Jim Brown plays a black man voted in as sheriff of a town in the deep south, which of course causes a lot of tension with the white folk. George Kennedy is superb as always as the former sheriff who becomes a deputy to help him out. This isn't straight-up exploitation, although there's enough despicable racist behaviour to give it a hard edge.

Time Lapse (2014) Netflix

- I do love a good time travel movie, and while not perfect, Time Lapse has a great premise and enough plot twists to keep you thinking after the final credits roll. Just don't think about things too long, or you'll start to realise there are quite a few things that don't make sense, as is often the case with time travel stories. Danielle Panabaker from TV's The Flash leads a small cast of otherwise-unknowns in a tale about a camera that takes photos of the future. I won't say anymore than that - it's best to go in without knowing too much - but I did enjoy this one quite a bit.

31 Nights of Terror 2015 #39 - Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)
Director: Dwight H Little
Starring: Donald Pleasence, Ellie Cornell, Danielle Harris
Format: DVD

Plot: Ten years after his original massacre, the invalid Michael Myers awakens and returns to Haddonfield to kill his seven-year-old niece on Halloween. Can Dr. Loomis stop him?

Every Halloween night I like to watch one movie from either the Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Halloween franchises. Having watched Halloweens 1, 2 and 3 in recent times I decided on this, the fourth entry and, as the name suggests, the one where Michael Myers returns (after being absent for part three, the producers decided they needed The Shape back).

As a movie in its own right, Halloween 4 isn't anything great. Most of the plot is rehashed from the first movie (Michael escapes and heads to Haddonfield, teenage babysitter, friend who's the Sheriff's daughter, Dr Loomis etc) and Little's direction lacks the artistic eye of John Carpenter. But on the other hand there's something infinitely rewarding about hearing that theme song and seeing Michael creep around killing people, like putting on a pair of well-worn pants.

Obviously we all know that Danielle Harris has turned into a modern scream queen and darling of the horror nerds, but even as a 10-year-old here she's pretty great. Her scared facial expressions are really effective. The rest of the acting is pretty much just there, although of course Donald Pleasance hams it up as the ever-more-crazy Loomis. Also worth a mention is a brief but funny appearance by Carmen Filpi, whose comedic performances in Wayne's World and The Wedding Singer ("I used to be much stronger") make him a legend in my book.

The kills are unfortunately pretty mundane and the gore factor is pretty low. What does make this movie stand out in the memory is the ending. It's a nice little twist and I wish they'd continued with it into the next movie, but of course they ignored it and went back to the tried and true.

Overall part 4 is nothing spectacular, but it's a helluva lot better than what was to come. Hey, at least there's no crappy rapper kung fu fighting Michael, right?

31 Nights of Terror 2015 #36 - Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3 (1990)

Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3 (1990)
Director: Jeff Burr
Starring: Kate Hodge, Ken Foree, R.A. Mihailoff
Format: VHS

Plot: A couple encounters a perverted gas station attendant who threatens them with a shotgun. They take a deserted path in Texas to seek help, but only meet up with a cannibalistic clan interested in helping themselves to fresh meat.

This is the only of the original TCM movies that I don't own on DVD (it's long out of print and expensive). In fact, I thought I didn't own it at all, until I stumbled upon a VHS copy in a box. I hadn't watched it since it came out on VHS back in the day, so what better time to check it out than now.

I make it no secret that the first two TCM movies are among my very favourite horror films. The first is pure low budget horror and the second is campy fun. But unfortunately when the Sawyer clan bit the dust in part two, it created a problem for anyone wanting to make a further sequel. My preference would have been continuing the story by explaining that Leatherface got away and putting him with a new "family" or some relatives that we weren't aware of. In fact, that's how I like to look at this movie, despite the fact most people say it takes place in an alternative timeline.

Either way, Leatherface is the only carry over from the earlier movies, as he has a new Sawyer family, made up of a wheelchair-ridden "mother", a daughter (WTF?), and three brothers (one of whom is played by future Aragorn Viggo Mortensen). The mother and daughter are interesting, but the others just kind of fade into the background.

The protagonists are an annoying yuppie couple and a survivalist, the latter played by the always-entertaining Ken Foree (Dawn of the Dead). Foree is one of the only real high points of this movie, as even Leatherface comes off as pretty boring in this one (and his make-up effects are shoddy).

Unfortunately the VHS of this movie was cut to pieces to get an R rating, so the version I watched was devoid of a lot of violence. In this form it came across as really short as well, as there's one big fight scene and then it's over. I must try to get hold of the unrated DVD at some stage, when it comes down in price.

But besides the obvious hackjob on the gore scenes, this movie has a lot of other problems, including some incredibly dumb moments. Leatherface can drive? Okay. His chainsaw can still run while underwater? Wow.

I'm usually very forgiving when it comes to TCM movies - I enjoy the remakes from recent years - but this one is just plain bad. It doesn't even have the camp factor of part 4. Unless you're a Texas Chainsaw completist, you're fine to skip over this one.

31 Nights of Terror 2015 #33 - Don't Look in the Basement (1973)

Don't Look in the Basement (1973)
Director: SF Brownrigg
Starring: Bill McGhee, Jessie Lee Fulton, Robert Dracup
Format: DVD

Plot: Nurse Charlotte Beale arrives at the isolated Stephens Sanitarium to work, only to learn that Dr. Stephens was murdered by one of the patients and his successor, Dr. Geraldine Masters, is not very eager to take on new staff. Charlotte finds her job maddeningly hard as the patients torment and harass her at every turn, and she soon learns why Dr. Masters is so eager to keep outsiders out.

I picked up this movie as part of a 12-movie DVD set called American Horror Stories, which I bought while visiting the US a couple of years ago. Most of the movies are public domain stuff (House on Haunted Hill, Bucket of Blood, Little Shop of Horrors) or very bad prints of other 60s and 70s horror. While the picture quality of this 70s indie cheapie (apparently it cost $100,000 and was shot in 12 days) isn't great, luckily the movie itself makes up for that in spades.

Also known as The Forgotten, this was the debut for late director SF Brownrigg, who does a great job of building up a tense atmosphere. The acting, all by unknowns, is rough around the edges as you'd expect, but does a great job of conveying the various mental short-comings of the inmates. There are some genuinely chilling moments and a bit of blood is shed here and there.

The setting and opening kill (axe to the head while chopping wood) invoked comparisons with Friday the 13th: The New Blood, while the rest of it kind of reminded me of a low-budget Shutter Island. I won't go too much into the plot since there's a pretty good twist involved (which veteran horror movie fans will probably guess but is good anyway).

I highly recommend Don't Look in the Basement, although fans of more modern and polished horror might not find it to their liking.

As a post-script, I should mention that the director's son has helmed a sequel, the trailer for which you can find online. I'm looking forward to checking that out when it's released.

What I Watched - May 6-12 2015

WHAT I WATCHED: May 6-12

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (2014) Netflix
- There’s been a lot of hype about this movie online recently, and not all of it positive. I’ve heard some horror fans complain that “it’s not a horror movie”, and in some ways they’re right. It’s more of an arthouse movie (shot in black and white) with some horror elements. I dug the unique setting (California doubling as Iran) and most importantly found the leads to be compelling. The comparisons with Let the Right One In are unavoidable, and while it’s not quite as good as that one, it definitely deserves plenty of praise.

Blood Lake (1987) Youtube
- I’m a sucker for obscure genre flicks that haven’t been released on DVD. Bored one night at work, I found this on Youtube and settled in for a viewing. Yikes is this one bad. Plotwise it is your atypical slasher - group of teens spend a weekend at a lakehouse and get picked off by a maniac. But what makes it so excrutiating to watch is the acting. The cast of unknowns, many of whom didn’t act again after this, look absolutely lost on camera. They stumble through their lines and spend most of the time looking around as if wondering what to do next. The action doesn’t begin until 45-minutes into the film, before that we’re treated to such pleasures as watching the teens waterski and play drinking games, all in the most unexciting manner imaginable. Blood Lake is only for the most masochistic of B-movie fans.

Braindead (1992) VHS
- I’m in the process of selling off my rather-large VHS collection, as I just don’t have room for them anymore. My girlfriend had never seen this New Zealand classic, directed by the one and only Peter Jackson, so I threw it in the old machine for a watch before I sell it. This copy is the American one, titled Dead Alive, but it’ll always be Braindead to me. Simply put, this is one of the greatest horror comedies ever made. From the kung fu kicking Priest (“I kick ass in the name of the Lord”) to the gory-beyond-words lawnmower finale, you can’t go wrong with Braindead.

Slaughter High (1986) VHS
- Another one I decided to pop in for a watch before selling. Not the greatest 80s slasher, but any fan of slashers is going to have a good time watching it. The premise is very similar to 1981’s The Burning, but instead of a caretaker falling foul of a teenaged prank, it’s the school nerd. Like Cropsy, said nerd exacts his revenge on the perpetrators, some 10 years later at a school reunion.

Blood Rage (1987) AVI
- AKA Nightmare at Shadow Woods. Apparently this was made in 1983 but not released until 1987, which is never a good sign. Another obscure not-on-DVD feature (although apparently it will be getting the Blu Ray treatment from Arrow later this year). However, unlike Blood Lake, this one has better acting and some good gore. The plot is also moderately interesting, featuring two identical twins, one of whom is a psychopath. Not a bad little twist at the end too.

Honeymoon Horror (1982) AVI
- Yet more not-on-DVD obscurity. Three sets of college couples, newly married, head to an island getaway for their honeymoon, where they are killed by a mystery psycho. I say mystery, but even a coma patient will guess who it is well before the reveal. Bad acting, awful sets, this one has the lot. There are a couple of decent gore kills, but not enough to make this one recommendable. Not even for cheese factor, because apart from a hilariously-wacky small-town sheriff there’s just no fun to be had here.

The Night Brings Charlie (1990) AVI
- Finishing off the trio of obscurities I watched in one night was this Orlando-shot slasher with yet another cast of nobodies. By 1990 slashers were becoming old hat, and this one recycles all the old cliche stuff (including a scene taken straight from a Friday the 13th sequel, in which three bikers are taken out in a barn). But what it lacks in originality this one makes up for with an interesting killer at least (the titular Charlie, wearing overalls, a sack on his head and goggles), a decent twist and some above-average acting.

The Wild Life (1984) VHS
- I always wondered why I’d never heard of this movie before. After all, it was written by Cameron Crowe (FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH, ALMOST FAMOUS etc) and has a pretty good cast of young 80s talent (Chris Penn, Eric Stoltz, Lea Thompson, Jenny Wright). But after watching it I can kind of see how it slipped through the cracks and didn’t become as well-known as other 80s teen comedies. There’s nothing wrong with the acting - Penn is great as the carefree party animal and Stolz is solid as his more conservative buddy - but the script just seems to lack the spark of Fast Times, while covering the same type of ground (teen life set around malls, school etc). Solid but hardly a classic.

MAY-DE TO BE MOCKED - Hansel & Gretel (2013)

Note: Throughout the month of May I will be watching Mockbusters, those low-budget movies which are made purely to cash in on a recent successful blockbuster. I call this May-de to be Mocked! 

Hansel & Gretel (2013)
Director: Anthony C Ferrante
Starring: Dee Wallace, Stephanie Greco, Brent Lydic
Format: Streaming (Youtube)

Plot: A modern retelling of the classic tale has brother and sister Hansel (Lydic) and Gretel (Greco) being captured by an old woman (Wallace) who runs a bakery called The Gingerbread House and has tasty pies made with "special" meat.

After doing a bit of research, it appears the prize for most "mockbustered" movie in a calendar year goes to Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters in 2013. The big budget Jeremy Renner special effects actioner (which incidentally I liked well enough, even if it was a bit silly) spurned not one, not two, but three namesakes! There's Hansel & Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft, Hansel & Gretel Get Baked (!) and this, the simplest-named of the three, produced on the quick by The Asylum.

I had been planning to watch this one earlier during the May-de to be Mocked marathon, but for the past week my Netflix has stopped working on my WDTV Live. I can still Netflix it on my laptop, but where's the fun in that? Luckily I discovered that some generous soul has uploaded this movie in full onto Youtube, which is how I finally checked it out.

Like most of The Asylum's work, there's no denying this was made in the hope that people would mistakenly pick this one up thinking it was big budget one. And reading some of the "reviews" on IMDB, the tactic seems to have worked, with several people complaining about renting this and being confused when Jeremy Renner didn't show up.

However, I'm pleased to say that this is a mockbuster in name only. It's nothing like Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. Whereas that one is based in medieval times and features a pair of wise-cracking brother and sister witch hunters taking on supercharged witches, this one is set in modern times and has little in the way of supernatural content. About the only similarity is the brother and sister are called Hansel and Gretel, and there's witches.

But, without wanting to give too much away, if you're expecting magical crones riding about on broomsticks here, you'll be disappointed. This is less a tale about supernatural magic and more of a mix of Motel Hell and Wrong Turn baked in a slasher pastry shell.

I think this might just be the first straight-up horror movie I've seen from The Asylum, without any scifi overtones and certainly no "monster". IMDB lists the budget as $135,000, a fifth of the budget of the last Asylum movie I reviewed, Alien vs Hunter. I guess cutting back on the number of washed up actors (here there's only genre veteran Dee Wallace) and not having to employ someone to make shitty CGI graphics really does save on the dough.

Speaking of Wallace (CUJO, THE HOWLING etc), she makes this movie what it is. Wallace channels her ET mom role as motherly Lillith in the early proceedings, before going full-on psycho in a performance she seems to be having a lot of fun with, spouting lines like "Be quiet or I'll cut your balls off and make you watch".

The rest of the acting isn't too bad, and the lighting and sets are better than what you usually see in one of this company's movies. Hell, most of the time while watching I actually forgot this was an Asylum movie. I'd also be remiss if I didn't mention the gore, which is pretty good and thankfully of the practical effect kind.

Is it a good movie? Well, no. But it kept me entertained from start to finish. The plot isn't anything too special, but keeps from being entirely predictable and throws in the odd spot of weirdness (scenes involving hallucinogenic candies and string that cuts like razor wire spring to mind).

Not that this is necessarily a glowing endorsement, but this is the best movie produced by The Asylum that I've seen so far. Check it out if you're looking to fill some time or are a big fan of Dee Wallace.

31 Nights of Terror '12 #3 - Schizo

 The cover of my VHS copy of Schizo

Schizo (1976)
Director: Peter Walker
Starring: Lynne Frederick, John Leyton, Stephanie Beacham
Format: VHS (Warner Home Video)

Plot: Samantha (Frederick, VAMPIRE CIRCUS) and Alan (former pop star Leyton) are getting married, but William Haskins isn't pleased. He grabs a train south to London and begins shadowing Samantha as she tries to get on with married life. Haskins' attempts to frighten her drive Samantha to desperation, but she's having trouble convincing anyone that she's being stalked. Even her psychiatrist dismisses her concerns as part of her neurosis. As bodies begin turning up, Samantha's story becomes more believable, and her dark secret from the past begins to reveal itself.

English psychological thriller Schizo could also be considered an early slasher, or a British version of a giallo, albeit with a smaller body count than most. Perhaps the best comparison would be Black Christmas, only in that the killer's identity is known from the start. Or is it? I'm not going to spoil anything, but there's a twist that you'll see coming a mile away.

Director Pete Walker (HOUSE OF WHIPCORD, FRIGHTMARE) puts the kettle on the stove and lets it boil slowly. Frederick does an admirable job as Samantha first comes off looking like an overly-paranoid woman but before long is fighting for her life as those around her start dying. It doesn't hurt that she's extremely cute and spends a lot of screen-time in the buff.

The kills offer some good gore (the best being the knitting needle through the back of the head and out the eye) and the acting's pretty good across the board. Jack Watson is suitably creepy as stalker William Haskins.

If you're in the mood for a slow-boiling British psycho slasher, Schizo is worth a watch.

August 5 - Backwoods (2008)

Backwoods (2008)
Director: Marty Weiss
Format: DVD

Backwoods is one those dime-a-dozen 2000s horror flicks, the kind that don't offer much in the way of originality but can still be worth watching if you're in the right mood.

It has elements of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Wrong Turn, Hills Have Eyes and even Masterblaster (the obscure-ish paintball game slasher I reviewed in May).

A group of workmates head into the forest for a team-building game of paintball, but stumble on a group of crazed hillbilly types that are intent on making their game a matter of life and death.

Yep, your basic survival horror slasher. With a semi-recognisable hollywood lead (Haylie Duff, sister of singer/actor Hilary Duff) and a bunch of nobodies filling all the pre-requisite roles (loudmouth party animal, token black guy, Asian guy, ditzy chick etc).

One recognisable face is Jonathon Slavin, who has a regular gig as a quirky geek on TV comedy show BETTER OFF TED. Also popping up are Robert Allen Mukes (HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES) as a hulking freak and veterans Mark Rolston (ALIENS) as a park ranger and Deborah Van Valkenburgh (DEVIL'S REJECTS) as the matriach of the redneck family, Mother Ruth.

There's no real gore, but Backwoods doesn't really suffer because of it. It still manages to be violent and brutal in places. The acting is good and the one piece of originality in the plot offers a variation on the usual hillbilly inbred bad guys by making them a religious cult.

Along the same lines as Wrong Turn and countless other recent survival horror slashers, Backwoods is fun enough and worth watching if you like this type of movie.

June 9 - Final Exam (1981)

The cover of my VHS copy of Final Exam

Final Exam (1981)
Director: Jimmy Huston
Format: VHS (Embassy)

"Some may pass the test... God help the rest"

That's the tagline for Final Exam, a low-budget Halloween-influenced (or should that be rip off) slasher from 1981. Now, you're probably expecting me to say something witty like "God help anyone who has to sit through this dreck", but the truth is I thoroughly enjoyed Final Exam.

The plot follows a group of students at a North Carolina college (the shy girl, the slut, the nerd, the party animal etc), who are seeing out the last week of the semester. They're concerned about exams and what they'll do over the summer but unaware that a killer is stalking campus.

Much of what director-writer Jimmy Huston (MY BEST FRIEND IS A VAMPIRE) puts on screen in Final Exam is very, very derivative of the slashers that came before it (the aforementioned Halloween mostly, but also Friday the 13th and Black Christmas). There are a lot of shots of the killer standing in the shadows or just out of shot, ala Michael Myers, and the teens bouncing around in shorty-shorts and feathered hairdos wouldn't be out of place in a Friday the 13th movie. His identity and motive are never revealed, like in Black Christmas.

But what sets Final Exam apart from the myriad of other cheapie slashers that followed throughout the 80s is the amount of time it spends on character development. Some might see this as a disadvantage - there are no kills beyond the opening scene for a good 45 minutes - but the various antics of the students (frat boy stunts, runs in with the sheriff, romance etc) are well done and allow the characters to be built up before the expected bodycount.

I'm not going to name actors because, frankly, you won't know any of them. A look at IMDB shows this as the sole acting credit for many of the cast, with others doing a handful of obscure titles. The only one with an extensive credit list is the guy who plays the nerdy lead, Radish, who went on to become a producer.

This is a slasher, so how good are the kills? Well, Huston keeps most of the blood and gore off-screen, but there is at least one imaginative kill, involving a gymnasium weights room and electronic scoreboard. Slashers are usually also known for their T&A and there is one nude scene, but that's it.

Last, but not least, I have to mention the great musical score by debutant Gary S Scott, who later did music for such TV shows as Fame, Beverly Hills 90210 and Freddy's Nightmares. The score, coupled with some nice camera work by Huston, makes for effective suspense.

I understand the DVD of this is out of print, so it might be hard to come by, but I would definitely recommend it for slasher fans, especially those looking for something a bit different.

Previews on my VHS: Paradise (complete with Phoebe Cates' bare breasts), They Call Me Trinity, Murder by Decree

CORMANIA 2011 #10 - Chopping Mall

Chopping Mall (1986)
Our King's role: Executive producer
Cast: Kelli Maroney (NIGHT OF THE COMET), Tony O'Dell (KARATE KID), Russell Todd (FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2), Barbara Crampton (RE-ANIMATOR).

Plot: A group of young 20-somethings decide to party it up in a furniture store inside a mall after hours, unaware that the mall's new high tech security system (three robot security guards) has gone haywire thanks to a lightning strike. The robots are now out to kill anyone they see. Included among the various horny party-goers are two straight-laced kids on a blind date (Maroney and O'Dell), but will they survive as the killbots start picking off their friends?

Observations:
- Full disclosure: I've seen this one before, once, but (sorry to sound like a broken record) it was quite a few years back.
- Ah the old movie-within-a-movie opening.
- Early sightings of Mary Woronov from Death Race 2000 and Angus Scrimm, the Tall Man from the Phantasm series.
- The opening credits music is so generically 80s. Awesome!
- Directed and written by B-movie legend Jim Wynorski, who apparently also does the voice of the security robots.
- Barbara Crampton looking hot as a perky waitress and our main girl's best friend.
- Wait, lightning makes the robots kill? Where's the smart-cracking hilarity? Short Circuit lied to me!
- Young people with huge hair bopping along to synth-based dance music. God bless the 80s!
- It would be remiss of me not to say: Boobies!
- Hey, it's Attack of the Crab Monsters (of course directed by Our King)! Our nerdy main couple watch it while the other couples are screwing.
- Dick Miller cameo, woohoo! And he's a janitor called Walter Paisley. Nice homage to Bucket of Blood (another Corman flick).
- Funbagos!
- Holy exploding heads Batman!
- Peckinpah's Sporting Goods. The tributes in this movie are awesome.
- Little Shop of Pets. Another good one and quite fitting given the last movie of my marathon coming up. Hint hint.
- Freeze frame credits. How old school!

Overall thoughts: When it comes to low budget 80s slasher flicks, they don't come much more awesome than this. I mean, it's killer robots killing good-looking teens/young adults in a mall - what more could you want? Well, how about some subtle humour? Because Chopping Mall has plenty of it. Everything is done tongue-in-cheek but not to the point of sillyness. Add to that some T&A and gore and you've got one rockin' good time. I love Chopping Mall.

CORMANIA 2011 #7 - Slumber Party Massacre 2

11.24am - Slumber Party Massacre 2
Our King's role: Executive producer
Cast: Crystal Bernard, Juliet Cummins (FRIDAY THE 13TH: A NEW BEGINNING), Heidi Kozak (FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE NEW BLOOD), Kimberley McArthur (MALIBU EXPRESS)

Plot: Courtney Bates (Bernard) is the younger sister of a girl who survived the events of the first Slumber Party Massacre movie. She's in an all-girl rock band who head away to an empty condo for a few nights of partying. But Courtney keeps having bad dreams about her sister, people dying and some guy playing an electric guitar with a giant drillbit coming out the end of it. As the girls head to their slumber party weekend away, Courtney's dreams become more and more vivid and her friends start to think she's going mental. But when the dreams become reality, they're suddenly fighting for their lives.

Observations:
- I'm guessing the clips at the start of the movie are from the first one, but I haven't seen it so I don't know for sure.
- I have seen this sequel, but again it was quite a few years ago.
- Crystal Bernard. I remember her from the 90s TV show Wings.
- Girls wearing suspenders. So 80s.
- OMG, a dead bird. That's a sure sign that... well, a bird died I guess.
- Rock chicks are hot. Hey, this girl group sounds kinda like The Bangles.
- Today's viewing comes full circle, and not just because of Roger Corman. This movie is directed by Deborah Brock, who was post-production superviser on Barbarian Queen, the movie that got this marathon rolling.
- Corndogs and champagne. The breakfast of champions.
- A pillow fight breaks out. We all know that's what happens any time two or more women get together without guys around.
- Hello boobies! Damn Juliette Cummins is hot. Today's portion of the marathon started with boobs and it's closing with boobs.
- Even Rocky had a montage.
- Keeping with tradition, all of the "teenage" girls in this movie were 23 or older when it was filmed (according to IMDB).
- Okay, the gore's been pretty lame so far, but that exploding zit was pretty gnarly.
- Officer Krueger? Wink, wink.
- A breakdancing slasher killer. It doesn't get much more awesome than that.
- His one-liners are pretty awful though. Freddie Krueger you've got a lot to answer for buddy.
- Yikes, lame ending alert.

Overall thoughts: If it wasn't for its over-the-top, campy killer, this movie would be just any other run-of-the-mill 80s slasher. As it is, Slumber Party Massacre 2 is an unashamed ripoff of Nightmare on Elm St, but like that series it is the killer that keeps the weak material interesting. This flick is at its best when the driller killer is dancing about with his crazy ass drill guitar, sticking it into screaming girls with a sense of fun. It's a damn shame they didn't do any more sequels.

May 27 - Masterblaster

The cover of my VHS copy of Masterblaster

Masterblaster (1987)
Director: Glenn R Wilder
Format: VHS (CBS/Fox)

An action slasher in which the participants of a paintball game are picked off for real? Check. The one-and-only directing credit for a stuntman who did stunts on movies like Die Hard and Terminator 2? Check. Starring a bunch of other stuntmen and actors whose credits include Martial Arts Opponent in Blue Shirt? Yes indeed. Count me in!

To say my expectations were high going into this one is an understatement. I mean, for a start check out that cover! And those expectations only got higher when the opening credits rolled and a corny theme song started to play, with lyrics like "You'd better look ahead as well as behind you; At anytime someone could disqualify you".

The plot: $50,000 is up for grabs in the Master Blaster Grand National Championships, a simulated war game that is like paintball with booby traps. Only once the game begins, someone starts killing players one by one (despite the back cover of the VHS saying "REAL bullets kill!", most of the kills are by other methods, like strangling and stabbing.

The early part is used to set up the usual red herrings, before we're introduced to the players. There's a couple of comic relief Hispanic goofballs, three racist rednecks, a massive mafia bodyguard, a Japanese warrior and other assorted fodder.

The main characters are Vietnam vet motorcycle rider Jeremy Hawk (Jeff Moldovan - a stuntman with 39 stunt credits and a few bit part acting credits) and his love interest, police officer Samantha Rosen (Donna Rosea, PORKY'S REVENGE). There's also rock star Lewis Carlisle (Peter Lundblad - his only acting credit), who has the most awesome blond mullet since Patrick Swayze in the famous SNL Chippendales skit.

Watching this I couldn't help but think of the paintball scenes in Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives. There's a scene where the killer reaches down from above to grab a victim, just like Jason, and one of the players even wears a camoflage hockey mask.

We all know 80s slashers need to have two things - nudity and gore. Unfortunately they're both sparse (we get one token topless shower scene and a nice beheading), but my VHS is 81 minutes and IMDB lists it at 94 minutes, so who knows what has been cut out. In the version I saw you couldn't really class it a horror.

The acting is about what you'd expect from a bunch of no-names and on par with most slashers - not great but not too wince-inducing.

For a movie directed by a stuntman and featuring stuntmen, you'd expect good fight scenes and while there are disappointingly-few of them, there's a nice barroom brawl early in the piece and a lengthy fistfight later that incorporates knives and even nunchucks!

The reveal of the killer's identity is a bit lame but not the worst I've seen.

Masterblaster isn't a classic by any means, but it's a rare gem (not available on DVD as far I can tell) that I'm glad I got the opportunity to see.

Previews on my VHS: Big Trouble in Little China, Kiss of the Spider Woman, Lightship.

May 13 - BLACK FRIDAY double feature

Friday the 13th part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)
Director: Rob Hedden
Format: DVD

So today was Friday the 13th, Black Friday. It's a tradition in my house to watch, well, what else but a movie from the Friday the 13th series on this day. It helps that I'm an unashamed fan of the series.

I've watched parts 1-7 numerous times over the years, but I've managed to limit my exposure to part 8 to just a single viewing many years ago (when it first came out on video). I remember being so disappointed and disgusted by it back then, and that bitter taste has stayed in my mouth since.

Tonight I bit the bullet and gave it another watch. I'm not sure if it's because I had such low expectations or just because I was in the right frame of mind, but I actually enjoyed it this time around. No, not as a serious horror movie, but as an unintentional comedy.

First, the cast and crew. Director Rob Hedden's career since Friday 8 has consisted of made for TV movies. No one, and I mean no one, on the cast went on to become a big name (think about that - the earlier entries had Kevin Bacon, Corey Feldman, Crispin Glover, Ron Palillo etc). The most success any of them had after this movie was pretty boy male lead Scott Reeves becoming a regular on soaps General Hospital and Young and the Restless.

The plot has a bunch of teens (what else?) who celebrate graduating high school by taking a cruise to New York City from near Camp Crystal Lake. Only they have an unwanted stowaway, ol' hockey mask himself, Jason Vorhees. And then... well, he kills a bunch of people. What else would you expect?

There are a few things that bother me about this movie, but none more than the way Jason is portrayed. Namely the fact that he seems to have the speed of a ninja. Sure, in the other films he always manages to catch up to whoever he's chasing without breaking his leisurely pace, but at least he doesn't flaunt the laws of physics. In this one, one second he's over there, the next he's over here - it's just not possible!

Plot holes? Ho boy, big enough to drive... well, a cruise ship through! Since when did Crystal Lake join up with the ocean? How did Rennie (Jensen Daggett - about the only decent actor on screen here) have a run in with a young Jason when he's been hunting teens as an adult (albeit an undead one) for decades now? And the ending - I don't want to spoil it, but it makes no sense whatsoever.

But, and it's a big but, if you manage to switch off the ol' brain and overlook the plot holes, if you embrace the unintentional comedy unfolding before you, you might just enjoy it. The bad acting, the fashions, the music, the flaws in logic... they're all worth a few laughs. Hell, it's the only way to make it all the way through this movie.


Zombie Strippers
Director: Jay Lee
Format: DVD

Zombie. Strippers. And if that's not enough to get you to watch, the two names at the top of the marquee are Robert Englund (NIGHTMARE ON ELM ST) and porn star Jenna Jameson. How could you resist?

Englund plays the sleazy owner of an illegal strip club that becomes the unwitting scene of a zombie outbreak. Jameson is his star stripper, who gets infected but rather than becoming a mindless shuffler, keeps on stripping, while munching on some manmeat in between pole routines.

Director and writer Jay Lee presents all this with tongue in cheek and really delivers for B movie fans. He doesn't hold back on the nudity and gore, dishing out bouncing titties and exploding heads with equal fervour.

The supporting cast is eclectic to say the least, with appearances by a former ultimate fighting champion (Tito Ortiz), a goth rock singer (Roxy Saint), a former child star (Whitney Anderson) and a production assistant from The Apprentice (Jen Alex Gonzalez).

The best laughs are for latin comedian Joey Medina (THE ORIGINAL LATIN KINGS OF COMEDY), who plays a Mexican janitor forced to clean up after the zombies go a-munching. The other comedy is very hit and miss, some of it coming off as just plain silly. But it doesn't spoil what is a damn good time for any B movie fan.

Think zombies and you want plenty of blood, entrails and headshots. Think strippers and you want hot women taking their clothes off. Combine the two and you get both. Ain't life grand?