What I Watched - November 8-14 2015

WHAT I WATCHED - NOVEMBER 8-14 2015:

Croaked: Frog Monster from Hell (1981) Amazon
- I've just signed up for a trial period of Amazon Prime and while perusing the free streaming video on the site I came across a bunch of obscure regional horror movies that I haven't seen anywhere else, this one included. Also known as "Rana: Legend of Shadow Lake" it is from renowned Wisconsin-based schlockmeister Bill Rebane (Blood Harvest, Giant Spider Invasion etc) and is purely for the lovers of bad, low-budget cinema. With narration that makes it sound like an episode of Wonderful World of Disney and laughable man-in-suit monster effects, this flick is pretty dire, but at the same time has a cheesy charm that I enjoyed somewhat.

Old 37 (2015) AVI

- I was pretty excited to check this one out, since its two main stars are horror legends Kane Hodder and Bill Moseley. Who could pass up the chance to see Jason Vorhees and ChopTop in action together, right? Unfortunately, while it's good to see these two legends in action together, the story (brothers pretend to be paramedics and pick up victims in their old No 37 ambulance - hence the name) leaves a lot to be desired. It's badly lit, the music is horrible loud rock music (I'm a metaller, but in this case the music doesn't suit the movie) and there's bugger all gore (or its impossible to see because of the shitty lighting). A bunch of flashbacks also kill what atmosphere there is. I've since learned that Moseley and Hodder have starred in quite a few movies together in recent years (including Charlie's Farm and Smothered) - hopefully they're better than this.

The Doberman Gang (1972) AVI

- Another movie I watched simply because of it's rareness - as far as I can tell it has never been released on DVD. Apparently this one led to a string of sequels, all with the same basic premise - a team of five Doberman Pincer dogs are trained to carry out some kind of criminal task. In this case it's rob a bank. There's not much more to it than that, bar some squabbling among the thieves behind the plan. This is good, harmless fun in a 1970s TV movie kind of way (although it appears to have been a cinematic release), with goofy comedy and cheesy, cheesy music (dig the theme song: "They were the doggonest gang than man could ever see, all them animals just like you and me").

Evidence (2013) Netflix

- Part slasher movie, part CSI-type police procedural, Evidence's plot has more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese, but if you look past that, it's entertaining, particularly if you like mysteries. A group of people who break down at a desert gas station end up being massacred by a mysterious killer wearing a welding mask, and police try to solve the case using footage from the victims' phones and cameras. There's not a great deal of gore (although seeing someone set alight by a welding-torch-wielding killer was kinda cool), so this leans heavily towards the mystery/police side rather than the horror side of things. The acting's pretty good (led by Silent Hill's Radha Mitchell and True Blood's Steven Moyer) and the twist ending actually caught me off-guard. Add in some pretty nifty camera effects and this one's a definite recommendation.

Requiem for a Dream (2000) DVD

- I picked this up for $1 from a video rental store closing down in my town, and my girlfriend had never seen it - so that had to be remedied. Of course this is a fantastic piece of cinema from Darren Aronofsky (The Wrestler, The Fountain, Black Swan etc) and the ultimate "don't do hard drugs" message. I love the split-screen camera work and the nifty editing, and there's top notch acting on display from Jared Leto, Jennifer Connelly, Marlon Wayans and Ellen Burstyn (who was rightfully nominated for an Oscar for her work). Easily one of the best movies released in the early 2000s.

Future-Kill (1985) AVI

- This is a movie that has been at the periphery of my consciousness since I first saw it on VHS in about 1986 (when I was 11 years old). A few scenes have stuck in my head ever since but I never got around to finding it again, until now. I wish I'd gotten around to it sooner - specifically before I met star Edwin Neal (more famous for his role as The Hitchhiker in the original TCM) at a horror convention in the early 2000s. I would have loved to have heard his thoughts on it. Plot-wise, Future-Kill is part Porkies (frat boy shenanigans) and part The Warriors (zany street gangs in outrageous costumes), with a main bad guy that looks like a cross between Robocop and The Humongous from The Road Warrior. As a piece of cinema this isn't anything great, but as a cheesy 80s scifi/horror it kicks ass.

Tick Tick Tick (1970) AVI

- Another from my list of "never been released on DVD" downloads, Tick Tick Tick is a fascinating look at racial relations in small-town America in the late 60s and early 70s. Jim Brown plays a black man voted in as sheriff of a town in the deep south, which of course causes a lot of tension with the white folk. George Kennedy is superb as always as the former sheriff who becomes a deputy to help him out. This isn't straight-up exploitation, although there's enough despicable racist behaviour to give it a hard edge.

Time Lapse (2014) Netflix

- I do love a good time travel movie, and while not perfect, Time Lapse has a great premise and enough plot twists to keep you thinking after the final credits roll. Just don't think about things too long, or you'll start to realise there are quite a few things that don't make sense, as is often the case with time travel stories. Danielle Panabaker from TV's The Flash leads a small cast of otherwise-unknowns in a tale about a camera that takes photos of the future. I won't say anymore than that - it's best to go in without knowing too much - but I did enjoy this one quite a bit.

31 Nights of Terror 2015 #27 - The Relic (1997)

The Relic (1997)
Director: Peter Hyams
Starring: Penelope Ann Miller, Tom Sizemore, Linda Hunt
Format: Netflix

Plot: A homicide detective and an anthropologist try to destroy a South American lizard-like god, who's on a people eating rampage in a Chicago museum.

I was looking for something to watch on Netflix and came across this one, which I hadn't seen since the time it came out. I remember back in 1997 there were two big-budget monster movies that came out at the same time - Guillermo del Toro's Mimic and this one. Both even had woman scientists as their main protagonists.

In this one the role of museum scientist is played by Penelope Ann Miller, what ever happened to her? It seemed like she was in a few things for a while there, but I haven't heard much from her in recent years. On the other hand the downfall of Tom Sizemore is well documented - he went from landing biggish roles to low budget obscurity thanks to his vices.

Sizemore is perfectly cast here as the slightly-grumpy old school cop, who pairs up with Miller to track down a monster lurking in a large museum. Wisely the creature is kept off screen for most of the running time, but even when it appears in full it's impressive (designed by the late great Stan Winston). The story around how it ends up in Chicago is fairly well thought out, while the rest of the plot is pure monster movie. The kills don't get very graphic, but there's a decent amount of kills and blood.

The more cynical out there have referred to this as nothing more than Alien in a museum, and that's not far from the truth, but it works. Another comparison I would throw in is Jurassic Park - it has similar cinematography and music and that big budget polish. If you like your horror move gritty and less refined, you'll probably want to pass by this one. Otherwise it's definitely worth a watch, particularly if you like monster movies.

31 Nights of Terror 2015 #9 - The Barrens (2012)

The Barrens (2012)
Director: Darren Lynn Bousman (Saw 2-4)
Starring: Stephen Moyer, Mia Kirshner, Allie MacDonald
Format: DVD

Plot: A man takes his family on a camping trip and becomes convinced they are being stalked by the legendary monster of the New Jersey Pine Barrens: the Jersey Devil.

Another $1 DVD I picked up from the video store that closed recently in my town, I'd seen the cover of this one around and the synopsis was intriguing. I like horror that takes place in the woods, and am intrigued by rural legends like Bigfoot (or the Jersey Devil as is the case here).

Rather than being a straight-forward monster movie, The Barrens is something of a psychological thriller mixed with elements of nature-run-amok. It keeps you guessing the whole way, and just when you think you've figured it all out, it changes the game. One interesting aspect of the plot is that our main protagonist has been bitten by a rabid dog, sparking his descent into apparent mental breakdown. Rabies isn't a plot device I've seen too many times (outside of something like Cujo, where it's a dog that gets bitten), and made for a nice change of pace here.

I'm not too familiar with True Blood (I've watched one whole episode of it), but Moyer does a pretty good job in the main role. His English accent sneaks through at times, which is distracting, but he handles the job of playing a guy slowly losing his mind well enough. The rest of the cast is also good enough.

Gore-hounds will be happy, with a good amount of claret and chewed flesh on display. Script-wise, the build up to the climax is a tad over-bloated, and could have done with some tightening, but in all I enjoyed The Barrens. It mixes genres, entertains and definitely keeps you guessing.

TUNE IN JUNE: Gargoyles (1972)

Note: Here on Schlock to the System, June is TUNE IN JUNE, which is really just an excuse for me to catch up on some TV series I've been meaning to watch for a while. But I will also be watching a number of TV movies, particularly ones from the hey-day of the TV movie, the 70s and 80s.

Gargoyles (1972)
Director: Bill L Norton
Starring: Cornel Wilde, Jennifer Salt, Scott Glenn, Bernie Casey
Format: AVI

Plot: An anthropologist and his daughter travel into the desert of the southwest US to investigate a report of strange goings-on, and stumble upon a colony of living, breathing gargoyles who live in nearby caves. When the gargoyles attack, father and daughter must fight for survival.

Ah yes, the TV movie. Before the advent of the VCR, the only way most people could catch a movie was either at the cinema or later when it was broadcast on TV. During the 1960s, a new term was coined, the Made-for-TV movie. Throughout the 70s and 80s, the likes of the ABC Movie of the Week and NBC Saturday Night at the Movies became ratings winners.

Made-for-TV movies usually had low budgets, a small cast and a pacing all of their own, based around needing mini-cliffhangers running into commercial breaks. Some were good, plenty were bad, and some were controversial, pushing the boundaries of what was acceptable on television.

Being that I was born in 1974 and outside of the US, I missed a lot of the 70s and early 80s made-for-TV movies. When I decided to do this theme for June, I turned to the internet to find what people considered some of the best of the genre. 1972's Gargoyles (which apparently premiered on CBS in the US) sprang up on a few lists, so I hunted it down.

It is directed by Bill L Norton, who went on to direct a lot of TV movies and series, everything from Tour of Duty to Angel to The Unit. It is written by TV movie vets Stephen and Elinor Karpf (ADAM AT SIX AM, TERROR IN THE SKY, DEVIL DOG: HOUND FROM HELL etc).

The cast is a good one. Cornel Wilde (something of a star in the 40s, 50s and 60s) is an adequate leading man, while attractive Jennifer Salt (who would go on to star on TV's SOAP) does a lot of screaming as his daughter. Scott Glenn (APOCALYPSE NOW) is a young dirt-biker who helps them battle the gargoyles, while former NFL player Bernie Casey is the head gargoyle (under heavy make-up and with vocal effects added by another actor) and former TV star Grayson Hall (DARK SHADOWS) is a hard-drinking motel owner.

Gargoyles is nicely shot, with the desert setting adding a level of suspense and creepiness to what is otherwise a rather-corny monster flick. Because it's a 70s made-for-TV movie we can cut the special effects some slack, but they're bad - the Gargoyle make-up kind of reminded me of the Sleestaks from the Land of the Lost TV series. I was surprised to read on IMDB that the make-up was done by the legendary Stan Winston, here making his debut.  But I guess everyone has to start somewhere.

Norton tries his best to give proceedings an air of suspense, with touches such as doing the gargoyles' scenes in slow motion. It's an attempt to make their movements seem other-wordly, but because the backgrounds go by in slow-motion too, it ultimately fails. One other thing of note is that the opening credits have a "green ooze" font, which instantly reminded me of the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror credits (I was half expecting to see… Directed by Boogeyman Bill Norton).

If this movie was made today it would be hard to describe it as anything but mediocre. But given the era it was made, and the fact it was made for TV, I'm willing to cut it a little slack and give it a mild recommendation. I suspect it will mainly appeal to anyone who watched it as a kid, for nostalgic reasons.

31 Nights of Terror '12 #6 - Island Claws

 The cover of my VHS copy of Island Claws

Island Claws (1980)
Director: Hernan Cardenas
Starring: Robert Lansing, Steve Hanks,
Format: VHS (Empire Video)

Plot: A biological experiment in Florida goes awry. The result: 8-foot long land crabs which roar loudly and kill everything in sight.

See that plot synopsis above? Short isn't it? But that's about all there is to Island Claws. Sure, there's a sub-plot about a young would-be couple from two feuding families, and another about Haitian boatpeople who are smuggled onto land near the village, but all you really need to know is that crabs run amok.

According to IMDB, Island Claws is the only credit for Hernan Cardenas, who wrote, directed and produced this movie. Not sure why that is - Island Claws isn't the worst monster flick I've ever seen. But it's also nothing special.

Pete Adams (Steve Hanks, who the same year starred alongside a young Michelle Pfeiffer in the TV show BAD CATS) and Jan Raines (Jo McDonnell, Marilyn Munster in the 1981 TV movie THE MUNSTERS' REVENGE) are the aforementioned young couple. We get to know them and several other characters in a small Florida fishing village.

A few familiar old faces appear in the supporting cast. Barry Nelson (manager of the Outlook Hotel in Kubrick's THE SHINING) is a marine biologist; Robert Lansing (who made something of a living from "giant nature runs amok" flicks in the late 70s and early 80s, also starring in EMPIRE OF THE ANTS and the giant roaches flick THE NEST) is a bar owner and father figure to Pete.

I'm not going to lie. The first two-thirds of this movie are boring. They're full of mundane village life, sprinkled with a couple of crab attacks. Not giant crabs though, regular sized ones. These attacks consist of someone screaming intercut with stock footage of crabs scuttling about. Hardly terrifying stuff.

The giant crab shows up for the closing act and brings good cheesy action fun, but by then it's too little too late. I understand not wanting to show the creature in its entirety for most of the movie, but what we're left with is 75 minutes of boring set up for 15 minutes of giant crustacean shenanigans.

31 Nights of Terror '12 #2 - Blood Beach

Blood Beach (1980)
Director: Jeffrey Bloom
Starring: David Huffman, Marianna Hill, Burt Young
Format: DVD-R

Plot: Something or someone is attacking people one by one on the beach. Some of them are mutilated, but most of them are sucked into the sand, disappearing without a trace. What is the creature responsible? Where does it live, and where did it come from? And is there any chance of it reproducing? Meanwhile, David Huffman and Mariana Hill are once-almost-married old friends, reunited over the death of her mother on the beach, and searching for clues in the abandoned buildings where they used to play when they were young.

When a movie from 1980 fails to get a Region 1 or 4 DVD release, it usually means it's craptacular and only of interest to lovers of bad cinema. That's what I was expecting from Blood Beach (which has only been released on German DVD). Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be a damn good low-budget horror flick!

The basic plot isn't exactly genius. One line of Jaws-inspired dialogue from the film sums it up - "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, you can't get to it". But around that writer-director Jeffrey Bloom (who also helmed the anthology flick NIGHTMARES) weaves a nice little story about a Harbour Patrol cop (Huffman) and the woman he let get away (Hill). There's a few clunkers (like how Huffman's developing love triangle quickly resolves itself thanks to the creature), but they're the exception rather than the rule.

The kill scenes (victim sucked down into the sand by their feet, rinse, repeat) sound corny but they're actually effective. The concept was used 20 years later in Tremors, albeit in more of an action b-movie way than here. Bloom builds up suspense nicely, so the repetitive kills don't get boring. And the main thing he does right is keeping the monster off-screen until the finale. By then it doesn't matter that the creature effect is pretty bad.

But what really ties Blood Beach together is the acting. The two leads are great and have good chemistry. It's a shame that Huffman (WOLF LAKE) was lost to acting at the age of 39 (he was murdered just five years after this movie), because he's a likeable leading man. Hill's career was waning after earlier starring alongside Eastwood in HIGH PLAINS DRIFTER and playing Fredo Corleone's trashy wife in GODFATHER PART II, but she's also cute and likeable.

The supporting cast is also good. Genre veteran John Saxon is in usual form as a perpetually-grumpy police captain, while Burt Young (ROCKY) offers comedic relief as a loud-mouthed, un-PC detective who's always eating.

Here's hoping Blood Beach gets a legit DVD release soon (my DVD-R is a scratchy VHS-rip), because it's a nice piece of early-80s horror/scifi.

31 Nights of Terror '12 #1: Rawhead Rex

The cover of my VHS copy of Rawhead Rex

Rawhead Rex (1986)
Director: George Pavlou
Starring: David Dukes, Kelly Piper, Niall Toibin
Format: VHS (Applause Home Video)

Plot: In Ireland a farmer knocks over an ancient stone column, releasing a centuries-old demon called Rawhead Rex. An American history buff (Dukes, GODS AND MONSTERS) and his family on holiday are soon fighting for their lives as the monster goes on the rampage. But what connection is there with the local village church, which has a stained-glass window featuring an image of the creature?

I'm sure you've all heard of this movie and know of its connection to the great British horror writer Clive Barker (HELLRAISER etc), and how he disowned this adaption of his story, mainly because he wasn't happy with the monster effects.

It's pretty easy to see why Clive was so upset, because this is a good movie except for the monster suit. There's talk of a remake being done (what's new), which for once could be a good thing. Ol' Sexy Rexy'll have you chuckling into your popcorn, which I'm sure wasn't the response director George Pavlou intended. In fact, he reminded me of Bebop from the old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon, if he'd borrowed Brian Bosworth's classic mullet.

But the monster suit is about the only gripe I have. Well, the name too - my father-in-law's name is Rex and a bald skinny guy in his 60s isn't what I want to associate with a monster flick. Those gripes aside, I enjoyed this movie quite a bit.

I like the fact this movie is authentically Irish (one look at the cast list shows two Nialls, a Ronan, a Cora and a Donal), rather than having somewhere like Vancouver or Toronto standing in for Ireland. The small Irish village setting gives it a nice Lovecraftian/Wicker Man vibe.

Pavlou throws in a few nicely-shot scenes (one where a teen couple run away after finding a dead body uses light and angles effectively), and there's some good gore, mostly courtesy of several beheadings. On the downside there's minimal T&A, just one topless shot when a girl is attacked by Rexy.

While the monster brings plenty of unintentional laughs, there is some intentional humour, most of it very British/Irish in flavour. One exchange of funny dialogue between our main character and a policeman: "In the meantime can I get you a cup of tea?" "Why don't you go fuck yourself?" "I'll pass that suggestion along".

The best thing about Rawhead Rex is it's never too predictable. There are some real WTF moments (like when the monster relieves himself on a priest) and I was shocked when a young boy was killed by Rex (I'm used to the movie convention where kids are never seriously hurt or killed).

It's just a shame about that monster suit.

31 Nights of Terror #29 - Sharktopus (2010)

Sharktopus (2010)
Director: Declan O'Brien
Starring: Eric Roberts, Kerem Bursin, Sara Lane, Hector Jimenez
Format: DVD (Anchor Bay)

- In case you've missed me saying this before, I'm a fan of Scifi (or Syfy as it is now) TV movies like this and I always expect three things - cheesy CGI, a nature-run-amok plotline and a washed up actor from the 80s.
- The bad CGI is on show early - lesss than two minutes into Sharktopus we have some of the worst computer graphics I have ever seen.
- Washed up actor: Come on down Eric Roberts!
- Roger Corman alert! The King plays a pervy beachgoer who sees a girl get chomped by the titular creature and doesn't give it a second thought.
- The dialog makes me want to stab out my own eardrums.
- I've often wondered what became of Hector Jimenez after his awesome role in Nacho Libre. Now I know. His career has nosedived into this dreck.
- That's one more reason why I will never go bungee-jumping.
- So apparently the bungee-jumper who bought it was Roger and Julie Corman's daughter Mary.
- Okay, so not only is it half-shark and half-octopus, but it makes a roaring noise that can be heard even when it's underwater.
- Worst acting I've seen in a good while: Guy on beach who sees his buddy getting eaten by Sharktopus and has an expression on his face that's one of mild disinterest.
- Please, make it stop. The dialogue, the acting. Somebody make it stop.
- Thank God for Stumble so I don't have to keep watching this crap.
- Lol. That was a funny website. Sharktopus? Oh, right. That's still playing in the background and still sucking donkey scrote.
- It's over! Yay, it's over!

Overall thoughts: Yep, they messed up a movie about a freaking half-shark, half-octopus creature. How did they do it? Well, the bad CGI I can forgive, since that's par for the course with these movies. But the acting was pitifully monotone, the characters uninteresting, the dialogue written by a socially-inept monkey, and the plot more predictable than a fight between a pit bull and a kitten. I thought Eric Roberts might be able to salvage it, but even he phoned it in. Sharktopus does not have one single redeeming quality. Avoid at all costs or run the risk of wanting to club yourself to death with the nearest heavy object.

31 Nights of Terror #2 - Xtro (1983)

Xtro (1983)
Director: Harry Bromley Davenport
Starring: Philip Sayer, Bernice Stagers, Danny Brainin
Format: VHS (Thorn/EMI)

- Alright here we go with a movie I've been aware of for years but have never seen before now.
- Huh, I wasn't expecting it to be British.
- Bond Girl Maryam D'Abo in her early 20s. Mmmmm.
- Ah the 80s, when even the English had mullets.
- Dogs can always sense when there's a slimey space monster lurking about. Yep, the same creatures that eat vomit and lick their own asses are geniuses.
- Wait, did the monster just eat that woman or copulate with her?
- The monster effects haven't been too great so far, but the synth music soundtrack (which IMDB.com tells me was done by the director) provides suspense, shock and more than little bit of weirdness to proceedings.
- Well, I guess that answers my question about eating/copulating. One of the surrealist alien births I've ever seen.
- Naked Maryam D'Abo. Three words that should make any red-blooded male want to see this movie.
- Plot so far: Guy gets abducted by aliens then returns three years later. He tries to pick up where he left off with his wife and son, but his wife has since shacked up with another guy. Naturally dear old Dad starts acting strangely.
- D'Abo is extremely sexy but her ever-changing accent is distracting.
- Midget clown alert!
- And it just got weirder. Yes, weirder than a midget clown.
- There has been very little in the way of blood and gore so far. I've just checked and my VHS appears to be uncut at 83 minutes long.
- The monster effects got better towards the end.
- The ending opens the way for sequels. I believe two were made, but not sure if they follow narrative-wise or just in name.

Overall thoughts: I've heard this movie referred to as a "mess", but as far as plot goes it's actually pretty straight forward, in that everything at least makes sense. But at the same time there are definitely quite a few trippy, offbeat (or, in the modern parlance - WTF?) moments. The monster effects range from quite bad to quite good and the musical soundtrack is extremely effective in adding to the surreality. I guess the word I would use to sum Xtro is "different", which is a good thing, trust me. I don't think I've ever seen a movie quite like Xtro.

June 18 - Zarkorr! The Invader (1996)

The cover of my VHS copy of Zarkorr! The Invader

Zarkorr! The Invader (1996)
Directors: Michael Deak, Aaron Osborne
Format: VHS (Video Unlimited)

What would happen if Full Moon, the now-defunct production company responsible for a string of demon doll movies (Puppetmaster series, Dollman vs Demonic Toys etc), went to the other end of the scale with a Godzilla-esque rubber suit monster flick?

Luckily for me, I won't have to go to my grave without ever knowing the answer to that question, because I've now seen Zarkorr! The Invader.

After the titular Zarkorr ("185 feet tall, 300 tons & deadly laser eyes" the front cover screams) busts its way out of the side of a mountain, New Jersey postal worker Tommy Ward (Rhys Pugh) is visited by a pint-sized alien who tells him he's been chosen to save mankind from the monster (apparently because he's the most average person on the planet).

He kidnaps a crypto-zoologist (Deprise Grossman) and enlists a cop to help his cause. They in turn go to a nerdy genius (Charles Schneider, BRIDE OF RE-ANIMATOR) and spend what seems like an age in his laboratory talking about how to beat Zarkorr. Determining that they need to go to Arizona to find the monster's off-switch (or some such baloney), our trio impersonate government agents and head off. They find some kind of egg and use it to defeat Zarkorr. The End.

While the plot has a few quirky elements, it doesn't throw up any surprises. The actors are a bunch of nobodies. In fact the male and female leads have no other credits to their names. Schneider is the standout, both for giving the most lively performance and the most grating one. Boy does he ham it up bigtime.

The one thing that I will forever associate with Full Moon movies is chintzy keyboard music. Zarkorr doesn't disappoint on that front, with Richard Band once again twinkling the keys with cheesy enthusiasm.

And what about the monster effects? This is a man-in-rubber-suit monster mash right? Yes it is, and there are enough shots of Zarkorr laying the smackdown on model buildings to keep most kaijuu fans happy.

Zarkorr doesn't take itself seriously and has the right vibe for what it is - a low budget American homage to Toho movies (Godzilla, Mothra etc). Go into it with the right mindset and you're in for a fun time.

CORMANIA 2011 #5 - Dinoshark

8.02pm - Dinoshark (2010)
Our King's role: Producer and actor
Cast: Eric Balfour (The TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE remake), Iva Hasperger (EXORCISM), Roger Corman.

Plot: Trace McGraw (Balfour) returns to his hometown, a beachside resort in Mexico to run a fishing charter, just as a giant shark begins chomping on people. It's no ordinary shark though - it's a prehistoric dinosaur shark and it's hungry. McGraw teams up with a beautiful biologist (Hasperger) to try to kill the creature before more people die.

Observations:
- Rip off Jaws music. Check.
- Hello bad CGI dinoshark (which looks like a shark with the head of a T-Rex).
- Syfy movie cliche #21: Guy who returns to his hometown after being away for a while.
- Chompity chomp, byebye surfer!
- Nice gore as we see a half-eaten girl on the beach.
- This is a TV movie, so there's no nudity, but there are plenty of bikini-clad hot chicks.
- For the first time in this marathon, our King appears onscreen. Here he plays Dr Reeves, a scientist.
- They mention a sighting of a dinoshark in New Zealand, but they show a map of Indonesia on screen? Sloppy guys!
- Mariachi band sighting. But no guy with the giant guitar? Boo-urns!
- Yes! Dinoshark 1, helicopter 0. "You're gonna need a bigger chopper".
- Hey, that rocketlauncher looks like it was bought at the dollar store.
- More nice gore in the form of a decapitated head (yet another homage to Jaws).
- Ol' Dinoshark is on a roll, chomping all manner of floating vessels.
- Cheesy one-liner alert during the climactic showdown.

Overall thoughts:
As I said in my review of Sand Serpents, I'm a fan of these cheesy Syfy TV movies and I always go into them expecting three things - cheesy CGI, a nature-run-amok plotline and a washed up actor from the 80s. Dinoshark meets the first two criteria but not the third. It doesn't matter though, because it more than makes up for it elsewhere. I'd almost add a fourth expectation from these movies - the titular monster chomping a helicopter - and this one comes through. And then it keeps going, with boats, kayaks, even a parasailer getting the big chomp. Good cheesy fun!

May 29 - Two very different army flicks

Today I watched two movies that share one thing - they're both about soldiers during a war. But that's where the comparisons end. One is an Italian flick directed by a cannibal movie legend and the other a made-for-TV monster movie.

The awesome cover of my VHS copy of Bridge to Hell

Bridge to Hell (1986)
Director: Umberto Lenzi
Format: VHS (Cannon)

Bridge to Hell, AKA Un ponte per l'inferno, is an Italian-made World War II movie directed by Umberto Lenzi, who of course is best known outside of Italy for his fleshmuncher gorefests like Cannibal Ferox, Eaten Alive and Man from Deep River.

The plot follows three soldiers who have escaped a Nazi prison camp in Yugoslavia. They are an American air force pilot (Andy J. Forest, MARK OF THE SCORPION), an Italian (Carlo Mucari, NIGHT OF THE SHARKS) and an Austrian deserter (Paki Valente). They join up with a group of freedom fighters and agree to fly their planes in bombing raids against the Germans.

One of the partisans, a former nun (Francesca Ferre), tells our trio about treasure held at her order's convent and, after running a second bombing raid, they decide to go after the booty (the gold that is, not the nun), with her in tow.

After some battles with Nazis along the way, the foursome arrives at the convent. Tricking the nuns, they make off with the treasure (the nun still in tow but unaware they've taken the loot) but must cross a heavily-guarded bridge (the titular Bridge to Hell) in order to make a complete getaway.

In the climactic battle there's the usual machine gun fire, grenade tossing and explosions and even some abseiling down the side of the huge bridge (which ends with some fantastically cheesy dummy work).

The acting is above average for this kind of movie, while the voice dubbing is about on par with what you'd expect from a low budget Italian movie. There's some great awkward overdubbed dialogue (After being rescued from a firing squad: "Vanya, are you still alive?", "Yes, but I'm surprised").

There's a good amount of action, but the low budget shows. According to IMDB.com, some footage is recycled from a couple of 1970s Yugoslav war movies, including some involving Nazi officers with attack dogs and, I'm guessing, the majority of the aerial combat scenes. Some of the miniature work is extremely cheesy.

A highlight is the excellent electronic music score is by Fabio Frizzi, who did the soundtracks for a bunch of Lucio Fulci movies (THE BEYOND, CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD, ZOMBI 2 etc).

Most of the supporting cast seem to be Yugoslavian, so I'm guessing that Lenzi filmed it on location in that country, adding an authenticity to proceedings.

My VHS runs at 88 minutes and doesn't seem to be cut. It's rated PG-13, so there's no nudity (in a scene where the nun-turned-fighter bathes in a river, she does so in her bra. Boo-urns!), swearing or gore.

The action's not as balls-to-the-wall as I would like, but overall Bridge to Hell is a good little Italian war flick. I'm not very well versed in this genre, so can't really compare it to others of its ilk, but I enjoyed it quite a bit.

Previews on my VHS: Nightmare Weekend, Thunder 2, The Adventure of the Action Hunters




Sand Serpents (2009)
Director: Jeff Renfroe
Format: DVD

This one should be called Tremors in Afghanistan. Not that Sand Serpents is as much fun as that 1990 movie, but its "monsters" are somewhat similar. They're a lot bigger (up to 60 feet high), but otherwise the titular sand serpents are very familiar. They're blind mutant sandworms that can travel underground at high speed (causing a ripple on the surface) and pick up potential victims by feeling the vibrations of their movement.

Sand Serpents is the 16th movie produced by RHI Entertainment for its Maneater series, which originally showed on Scifi channel (now Syfy) in the US. Scifi/Syfy original movies are much maligned but I love them. They're nothing if not consistent - you always know you're going to get some kind of nature run amok plotline, cheesy CGI and usually some washed-up actor from the 1980s.

In Sand Serpents said washed-up thespian is Jason Gedrick, star of 1984 cheesy, fun Top Gun knockoff Iron Eagle. Gedrick plays Lieutenant Richard Stanley of the US Army, who is charge of group of soldiers in Afghanistan. They're sent to investigate a disused gem mine and run into Taliban extremists, a resulting explosion awakening a group of ancient killer sandworms.

With a refugee father-and-daughter duo thrown into the mix, the soldiers must escape from the sand serpents, while also surviving firefights with the Taliban.

Unlike some of the other Maneater series flicks I've seen, the CGI is very good in this one. The acting is also pretty good. Gedrick is a competent lead man and the supporting cast is adequate if unspectacular (we get the smart ass guy, the street smart chick, the gruff sergeant and of course the former love of our main guy - the latter is a pre-requisite for these flicks).

Sand Serpents' biggest asset is its setting. Romania stands in for Afghanistan with a great barren landscape and bombed out buildings.

If you've seen any of these Scifi/Syfy movies before you'll know what to expect. They're not everyone's cup of tea, but I like them and Sand Serpents is probably the best of the half dozen I've seen so far.