All Night Horror Marathon Volume 2 (4-movie DVD set)

Overview: Scream Factory released this four-flick set in 2013, bringing to DVD for the first time a quartet of obscure horror offerings. Let's dive in and see if these movies are any good or if they should have been left in obscurity...

Cellar Dweller (1988)
Director: John Carl Buechler (Troll, Friday the 13th Part 7)
Starring: Yvonne De Carlo (TV's The Munsters), Debrah Farentino, Brian Robbins (TV's Head of the Class)

Plot: In the 1950s a horror-comic artist's creations come alive and kill him. Years later a new cartoonist revives the creatures in his house, now part of an artist's colony.

Cellar Dweller gets off to a great start with an opening scene featuring genre legend Jeffrey Combs (REANIMATOR), but sadly he's quickly killed off. Luckily the remaining cast is still pretty good, headlined by Lillian Munster herself, Yvonne De Carlo, as the grumpy matriach of an artist's colony. Debrah Farentino, making her feature debut, is the main protagonist, a comic book artist who unwillingly revives an age-old monster via her art.

Brian Robbins is another artist and Farentino's love interest, a strange casting decision given his nerdy looks (utilised so well as geek Eric on Head of the Class, showing on TV at the same time this movie was made). In any other movie Robbins would be cast as the lovable loser forever in the friend zone, but not here.

Once Farentino's art unleashes the monster, Cellar Dweller moves into familiar monster/slasher territory as the body count mounts and a predictable climax looms (albeit one with a last-minute swerve). The kills are nothing too notable, but what really keeps things interesting is the monster. The creature effects are cheesy but endearing, along the lines of the monsters from Castle Freak, Subspecies and the like.


Contamination.7 (1993)
Directors: Joe D'Amato (Beyond the Darkness), Fabrizio Laurenti (Witchery)
Starring: Mary Sellers, Jason Saucier, Bubba Reeves

Plot: People from a small town are attacked by evil radioactive tree roots growing in the forest.

Decades before M. Night Shamalan inflicted cinema-goers with his own nature-gets-revenge borefest, The Happening, Italian genre veterans D'Amato and Laurenti achieved the same feat without any big name stars and a fraction of the budget.

Whereas Cellar Dweller is cheesily enjoyable, Contamination.7 will be appreciated only by the most seasoned of bad cinema fans. For the most part it's a stodgily-paced bore, the only respite from its mire coming from a smorgasboard of awful acting and some ridiculous killer-roots special effects.

The plot is threadbare - pollution causes vines to kill a variety of townsfolk, a group of protagonists must survive while also battling crooked cops and politicians. The final showdown between the townsfolk and the roots does manage to veer away from being totally predictable, while completely throwing logic out the window, before a final scene that restores proceedings to yawn-inducing predictability.

As mentioned above, the acting here is horrendously bad - every single performance is more wooden than the evil roots themselves. Leading the way is Vince O'Neil as the corrupt sheriff. He's meant to be the main bad guy but O'Neil's "acting" is so off-kilter he becomes the main source for unintended laughs. Sellers also makes a weak leading lady, no doubt cast as a favour to her husband Laurenti. The rest of the cast are nobodies with the acting chops of your average high school production.

This movie is also known as The Crawlers and, amazingly, Troll 3. Like Troll 2 it has nothing to do with the first movie. It doesn't reach the comedy heights of Troll 2, but Contamination.7 has enough unintentional laughs (check out the comically-delayed reactions to a bad guy shooting himself in the head) to sate the appetite of most schlockophiles. However, if 90 minutes of bad acting and action scenes comprised of people rolling around on the ground with rubber "vines" doesn't sound like a good time to you, you'll probably want to steer clear.


The Dungeonmaster (1984)
Directors: Charles Band (Trancers), John Carl Buechler (Cellar Dweller), David Allen (Puppetmaster II), Steven Ford, Peter Manoogian (Demonic Toys), Ted Nicolaou (Subspecies series), Rosemarie Turko
Starring: Jeffrey Byron, Richard Moll, Leslie Wing

Plot: Paul, a computer whiz who spends more time with his machine than with his girlfriend, finds that he has been chosen as a worthy opponent for Mestema, and evil wizard who has spent centuries searching for a challenging foe. After having his computer changed into wristband weapon, Paul does battle with a variety of monsters before finally coming face to face with the ultimate adversary.

Also known as Ragewar, The Dungeonmaster is essentially an anthology movie overseen by Charles Band with a plethora of Full Moon regulars writing and directing their own portions. Each of these mini-stories takes the form of a challenge that hero Paul (Byron) must complete to defeat the evil Mestema (Richard Moll from TV's NIGHT COURT) and rescue his girlfriend (Wing).

From an opening dream sequence involving full frontal nudity (80s bush alert) and crude monster effects, through to the predictable happy ending, The Dungeonmaster is 73 minutes of cheesy 80s good fun. Hell, there's even a scene involving heavy metal legends WASP! Laser beams, studded wrist gauntlets, Mad Max-esque vehicles, midgets, giant hair, bad puppetry, corny creatures - this movie has it all.

As with most anthology movies, some of the segments are better than others. As a fan of 80s heavy metal I enjoyed seeing Blackie Lawless from WASP playing a bad guy in "Heavy Metal", directed by Band himself; "Stone Canyon Giant" (by David Allen) has a Harryhausen-esque charm to it as Paul battles a stop-motion statue; "Desert Pursuit" (Ted Nicolaou) is a fun little segment that does what so many others were doing in the early 80s, ripping off The Road Warrior; and "Demons of the Dead" (John Carl Buechler) has a wacky puppet monster and zombie warriors. On the other hand Steve Ford's "Slasher" is lame, with more time spent on unfunny comedic relief cops than the Jack the Ripper killer, and "Cave Beast" (Peter Manoogian) and "Ice Gallery" (Rosemarie Turko) are entirely forgettable.

Byron and Wing aren't about to win any acting awards but make a passable leading couple (once Byron loses his ridiculously-large glasses after the opening scenes). But it's Moll who steals the show, looking and sounding like a hybrid of Connor and The Kurgan from THE HIGHLANDER (albeit two years before that movie) while spouting ridiculous dialogue with evil glee.


Catacombs (1988)
Director: David Schmoeller (Tourist Trap, Crawlspace)
Starring: Timothy Van Patten (Class of 1984), Ian Abercrombie, Laura Schaefer

Plot: A demon is trapped in the catacombs beneath a European monastery. Four centuries later a young woman arrives at the monastery to study just as the demon begins to stir.


Although made in 1988, this Empire Pictures effort sat on the shelf for a few years due to its distributor going out of business. When it finally reached the light of day in 1993 (via VHS and Laser Disc) it had been retitled Curse IV in an effort to "cash in" on that series (not sure why, that series was never very successful). But its original title is obviously more fitting, as this movie is set at a monestary built over a series of catacombs where an evil lurks.

Filmed in Italy, this is undoubtedly the most well-photographed of the four movies in this set. Director/writer David Schmoeller throws in a variety of artistic flourishes that make for a visually-pleasing experience, even if the story doesn't hold up as well. The problem is, while the cinematography is good, nothing really happens for most of the movie. I like a good slow build, but Catacombs crawls along at a snail's pace with very little of interest (apart from one eerie scene involving a Jesus statue) until the inevitable showdown between good and evil in the third act. And even then things reach a rather anti-climactic resolution.

On the acting side, Timothy Van Patten stands out, as expected, as a conflicted young Catholic priest. Anyone who has seen CLASS OF 1984 knows what a fantastic job he did in creating a complex and iconic character in that film. Sadly (for us fans of his work) Catacombs was his final feature film role to date - after this he had a regular role on a TV series for one season and then has spent the last three decades behind the camera as one of the most prolific directors in TV land. The rest of the cast does a decent-enough job - Schaefer is pretty if a touch bland as the leading lady, and Abercrombie brings a veteran touch to his role as the head monk.

In the end it is the plot that leads to Catacombs' downfall. Great cinematography, good sets, good acting and decent atmosphere can't save what is ultimately a boring experience. This is, after all, supposed to be a horror movie and you can't do it properly without throwing the viewer a bone every now and then in the form of some decent scares or gore.

Poor Timothy Van Patten, such a great young talent deserved a better movie than this to be his final (to date) feature film.


Conclusion: I didn't hate any of the movies in this set and I'm glad I finally got to see them (well, I had seen The Dungeonmaster already, on VHS a few years back). In terms of my personal enjoyment of the four flicks, they would rank (best to worst): 1 The Dungeonmaster, 2 Cellar Dweller, 3 Catacombs, 4 Contamination.7. As far as recommendations go, I'd suggest watching The Dungeonmaster and maybe Cellar Dweller. Skip Catacombs and only watch Contamination.7 if you're a sucker for punishment (aka a seasoned fan of bad cinema).

White Ghost (1988)

White Ghost (1988)
Director: BJ Davis
Starring: William Katt, Martin Hewitt, Reb Brown
Format: Stream

Plot: An M.I.A. US soldier nicknamed White Ghost (Katt) lives in hiding in the jungles of communist Vietnam. The US army finds out about him and sends a black ops team to rescue him. However, the team is lead by a man who wants White Ghost dead.

The Greatest American Hero was one of my favourite shows when I was a kid. The show aired from 1981 to 1983, when I was aged 6 through to 9, the perfect age to appreciate the show's wacky appeal. Hell, I just loved getting to see a live action caped superhero in action, even if he couldn't fly properly or use his superheroes to save himself. And that theme song... awesome.

Lead star William Katt unfortunately faded into obscurity after the show's run, apart from showing up in a couple of the House horror/comedies I honestly couldn't tell you what he's been doing since. A look at his IMDB page shows that after Greatest American Hero he acted in a bunch of Perry Mason TV movies. Who knew? Well, luckily for us after that he chose White Ghost, a low-budget action flick that I happened to find in full on Youtube. The listing caught my eye because of one name - Reb Brown - an actor who I've raved about before on this blog for his bad, bad acting which is a sight to behold. Sadly Brown has only a small role in this, but despite that it's a good ol' time anyway.

Besides Brown and Katt, White Ghost also features Martin Hewitt (THE PARATROOPER), making for something of a bad-acting trinity. And it's directed by the guy who made the Brandon Lee vehicle Lazer Mission!

The storyline is part Missing in Action, part Predator (the team aspect, not the alien) and part Rambo. There are plenty of great cheesy moments, from Katt's frizzy mullet (which he unfortunately gets cut early in the piece) to the facepaint he dons that makes him look like the bassist from a Norwegian black metal band. After growing up on Katt as a comedic actor it's hard to take him seriously in a straight-forward action movie like this, and his facial expressions don't help. Let's just say his stoic face is more Alzheimer's patient than ass-kicking soldier.

The climax of White Ghost is typical of these movies, with all the explosions and gunfighting an action fan can wish for. My only complaint is the misuse of Reb Brown - he spends most of the movie in an office and only enters the jungle in the third act. He does get to brandish two machine guns and use his trademark yell, which I appreciate, but it's too little too late. I really wish they had cast Brown in the lead role (ala STRIKE COMMANDO) or at least in the main baddie role which instead went to Wayne Crawford (BARRACUDDA). But that complaint aside, White Ghost is a fun actioner - not quite as cheesy as classics like Strike Commando or Deadly Prey but worthwhile for fans of cheesy shoot-em-ups.

31 Nights of Terror 2015 #39 - Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)
Director: Dwight H Little
Starring: Donald Pleasence, Ellie Cornell, Danielle Harris
Format: DVD

Plot: Ten years after his original massacre, the invalid Michael Myers awakens and returns to Haddonfield to kill his seven-year-old niece on Halloween. Can Dr. Loomis stop him?

Every Halloween night I like to watch one movie from either the Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Halloween franchises. Having watched Halloweens 1, 2 and 3 in recent times I decided on this, the fourth entry and, as the name suggests, the one where Michael Myers returns (after being absent for part three, the producers decided they needed The Shape back).

As a movie in its own right, Halloween 4 isn't anything great. Most of the plot is rehashed from the first movie (Michael escapes and heads to Haddonfield, teenage babysitter, friend who's the Sheriff's daughter, Dr Loomis etc) and Little's direction lacks the artistic eye of John Carpenter. But on the other hand there's something infinitely rewarding about hearing that theme song and seeing Michael creep around killing people, like putting on a pair of well-worn pants.

Obviously we all know that Danielle Harris has turned into a modern scream queen and darling of the horror nerds, but even as a 10-year-old here she's pretty great. Her scared facial expressions are really effective. The rest of the acting is pretty much just there, although of course Donald Pleasance hams it up as the ever-more-crazy Loomis. Also worth a mention is a brief but funny appearance by Carmen Filpi, whose comedic performances in Wayne's World and The Wedding Singer ("I used to be much stronger") make him a legend in my book.

The kills are unfortunately pretty mundane and the gore factor is pretty low. What does make this movie stand out in the memory is the ending. It's a nice little twist and I wish they'd continued with it into the next movie, but of course they ignored it and went back to the tried and true.

Overall part 4 is nothing spectacular, but it's a helluva lot better than what was to come. Hey, at least there's no crappy rapper kung fu fighting Michael, right?

31 Nights of Terror 2015 #31 - The Changeling (1980)

The Changeling (1980)
Director: Peter Medak
Starring: George C Scott, Trish van Devere, Melvyn Douglas
Format: DVD

Plot: A man staying at a secluded historical mansion finds himself being haunted by the presence of a spectre.

This is one of the classic horror movies that have so far evaded my collection - it's been quite hard to find here in New Zealand in recent years. So when I spotted the DVD at a booth at Armageddon (NZ's big Comic Con-type convention) on Saturday October 25 I snapped it up and watched it that night.

That's right - movie number 31 on the 25th! I'm well ahead of schedule this year! And what a great movie to pass that magic 31 milestone.

I won't go too much into the plot, because most people have probably seen this (if not, you should), and it's also one of those movies best watched without knowing too much about it. But what I will say is this is one of THE great haunted house movies, up there with the original The Haunting in my opinion.

Director Medak does a fantastic job of building up the suspense and atmosphere, and the acting is ably handled by real life couple Scott and van Devere. The cinematography is top notch and the script has enough twist and turns to keep things interesting throughout. I'm a great believer in less-is-more when it comes to ghost movies, and The Changeling fits the bill perfectly.

I really don't know what else to say about this other than if you haven't seen it, you need to!

31 Nights of Terror 2015 #11 - The Final Girls (2015)

The Final Girls (2015)
Director: Todd Strauss-Schulson
Starring: Taissa Farmiga, Malin Akerman, Adam DeVine
Format: AVI

Plot: When Max (Taissa Farmiga) and her friends reluctantly attend a tribute screening of an infamous '80s slasher film that starred Max's late mother (Malin Akerman), they are accidentally sucked into the silver screen. They soon realize they are trapped inside the cult classic movie and must team up with the fictional and ill-fated "Camp Bloodbath" counselors, including Max's mom as the shy scream queen, to battle the film's machete-wielding, masked killer. With the body count rising in scene after iconic scene, who will be THE FINAL GIRLS left standing and live to escape this film?

The Final Girls is the ultimate comedic love-letter to 80s slasher films. As someone who grew up on that genre, I really, really enjoyed this movie.

Everything 80s is riffed here, but in a way that has both laughs and heart, rather than a ridiculous Scary Movie parody manner. It's also obvious that the director is a fan of the source material - when our group of protagonists end up "inside" their favourite 80s slasher, it really does feel like they've been transported back to a Friday the 13th flick.

The acting here is great. I really enjoyed Taissa Farmiga's previous work on two seasons of TV show American Horror Story, and she's perfectly cast here as the quiet, sensitive teenage girl mourning the loss of her film star mum. Malin Akerman looks familiar but looking at her credits I don't think I've seen her in much. But she has great chemistry with Farmiga, which helps provide the emotional pull. Comedic value is added by Adam DeVine (TV's Workaholics) - whose performance does grate the nerves a bit at times but is perfect for the douchebag jock that was in every 80s summer camp horror flick - and Thomas Middleditch, who is excellent as the resident horror movie geek.

The only complaint I have is that this movie is virtually devoid of gore. There's a little bit of blood splattered around, but it's lacking compared to actual 80s slashers. If you're going to pay homage to those movies, you need some good blood and guts. There's also no nudity - a pre-requisite of 80s slashers - but that's neither here nor there.

I have a feeling that the younger crowd will probably enjoy this movie well enough, but to really appreciate it you need to have lived through the 80s and to have watched your fair share of Friday the 13th-type slashers from that decade.

Don't expect scares or any real suspense - go into this one for the laughs and the loving tribute it pays to slasher flicks.

What I Watched - May 6-12 2015

WHAT I WATCHED: May 6-12

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (2014) Netflix
- There’s been a lot of hype about this movie online recently, and not all of it positive. I’ve heard some horror fans complain that “it’s not a horror movie”, and in some ways they’re right. It’s more of an arthouse movie (shot in black and white) with some horror elements. I dug the unique setting (California doubling as Iran) and most importantly found the leads to be compelling. The comparisons with Let the Right One In are unavoidable, and while it’s not quite as good as that one, it definitely deserves plenty of praise.

Blood Lake (1987) Youtube
- I’m a sucker for obscure genre flicks that haven’t been released on DVD. Bored one night at work, I found this on Youtube and settled in for a viewing. Yikes is this one bad. Plotwise it is your atypical slasher - group of teens spend a weekend at a lakehouse and get picked off by a maniac. But what makes it so excrutiating to watch is the acting. The cast of unknowns, many of whom didn’t act again after this, look absolutely lost on camera. They stumble through their lines and spend most of the time looking around as if wondering what to do next. The action doesn’t begin until 45-minutes into the film, before that we’re treated to such pleasures as watching the teens waterski and play drinking games, all in the most unexciting manner imaginable. Blood Lake is only for the most masochistic of B-movie fans.

Braindead (1992) VHS
- I’m in the process of selling off my rather-large VHS collection, as I just don’t have room for them anymore. My girlfriend had never seen this New Zealand classic, directed by the one and only Peter Jackson, so I threw it in the old machine for a watch before I sell it. This copy is the American one, titled Dead Alive, but it’ll always be Braindead to me. Simply put, this is one of the greatest horror comedies ever made. From the kung fu kicking Priest (“I kick ass in the name of the Lord”) to the gory-beyond-words lawnmower finale, you can’t go wrong with Braindead.

Slaughter High (1986) VHS
- Another one I decided to pop in for a watch before selling. Not the greatest 80s slasher, but any fan of slashers is going to have a good time watching it. The premise is very similar to 1981’s The Burning, but instead of a caretaker falling foul of a teenaged prank, it’s the school nerd. Like Cropsy, said nerd exacts his revenge on the perpetrators, some 10 years later at a school reunion.

Blood Rage (1987) AVI
- AKA Nightmare at Shadow Woods. Apparently this was made in 1983 but not released until 1987, which is never a good sign. Another obscure not-on-DVD feature (although apparently it will be getting the Blu Ray treatment from Arrow later this year). However, unlike Blood Lake, this one has better acting and some good gore. The plot is also moderately interesting, featuring two identical twins, one of whom is a psychopath. Not a bad little twist at the end too.

Honeymoon Horror (1982) AVI
- Yet more not-on-DVD obscurity. Three sets of college couples, newly married, head to an island getaway for their honeymoon, where they are killed by a mystery psycho. I say mystery, but even a coma patient will guess who it is well before the reveal. Bad acting, awful sets, this one has the lot. There are a couple of decent gore kills, but not enough to make this one recommendable. Not even for cheese factor, because apart from a hilariously-wacky small-town sheriff there’s just no fun to be had here.

The Night Brings Charlie (1990) AVI
- Finishing off the trio of obscurities I watched in one night was this Orlando-shot slasher with yet another cast of nobodies. By 1990 slashers were becoming old hat, and this one recycles all the old cliche stuff (including a scene taken straight from a Friday the 13th sequel, in which three bikers are taken out in a barn). But what it lacks in originality this one makes up for with an interesting killer at least (the titular Charlie, wearing overalls, a sack on his head and goggles), a decent twist and some above-average acting.

The Wild Life (1984) VHS
- I always wondered why I’d never heard of this movie before. After all, it was written by Cameron Crowe (FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH, ALMOST FAMOUS etc) and has a pretty good cast of young 80s talent (Chris Penn, Eric Stoltz, Lea Thompson, Jenny Wright). But after watching it I can kind of see how it slipped through the cracks and didn’t become as well-known as other 80s teen comedies. There’s nothing wrong with the acting - Penn is great as the carefree party animal and Stolz is solid as his more conservative buddy - but the script just seems to lack the spark of Fast Times, while covering the same type of ground (teen life set around malls, school etc). Solid but hardly a classic.

TUNE IN JUNE: Condor (1986)

Note: Here on Shlock to the System, June is TUNE IN JUNE, which is really just an excuse for me to catch up on some TV series I've been meaning to watch for a while. But I will also be watching a number of TV movies, particularly ones from the hey-day of the TV movie, the 70s and 80s.

Condor (1986)
Director: Virgil W Vogel
Starring: Ray Wise, Wendy Kilbourne, James Avery
Format: Streaming (Netflix)

Plot: In futuristic Los Angeles, a crime-fighting organization known as Condor goes up against the Black Widow, a female master criminal. The Black Widow steals the national security code and threatens to blow up Hollywood unless her old enemy, Proctor, a Condor operative, is turned over to her.

This ABC made-for-TV movie was intended as the pilot for a TV series, but it never happened. Which is a shame, because if this was a series, I'd watch it.

Sure, Condor is pretty damn cheesy but it's also good fun. Most of its appeal is due to leading man Ray Wise (it's hard to believe this is just four years before he'd portray Laura Palmer's dad on TWIN PEAKS), who plays a suave and wise-cracking detective, Proctor.

Attractive blonde Wendy Kilbourne (TV's MIDNIGHT CALLER) is his android partner, Lisa. Naturally Proctor doesn't like having a robot for a partner, and they constantly bicker, as is usually the dynamic in these sorts of shows. Proctor's prejudice against his android partner reminded me of the dynamic in the TV series Alien Nation (as well as Wise's minor resemblence to that series' star, Gary Graham). The late James Avery (Uncle Phil on FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR) turns up in a minor supporting role.

Aside from the good work by Wise, the main reason to watch this is to see how they handle "the future" in 1986. There's plenty of hokey "future" scifi stylings (hands-free driving, robot servants, laser guns, androids, hologram TV) and while the clothing might have seemed quite futuristic at the time, 30 years later it just seems like a slight variation on awful 80s fashions. One funny moment is when Lisa asks Proctor where his PC is. "My what?" he asks, and she replies "Personal Computer". In 1986 this was probably futuristic speak, but today it just seems quaint.

My only real complaint is with the pilot's villain, Rachael Hawkins (Carolyn Seymour), who is as bland as they come. A stronger antagonist might have helped this series get picked up.

Condor isn't anything special, but I was a kid of the 80s who grew up on the TV of the time. This reminded me of any of the various early-80s scifi/crime shows (Street Hawk, Automan, Knight Rider, Airwolf), minus the cool vehicle, but with the overall same sort of vibe. For that reason I enjoyed it, although it's probably not to everyone's tastes.

TUNE IN JUNE: Fortress (1985)

Note: Here on Shlock to the System, June is TUNE IN JUNE, which is really just an excuse for me to catch up on some TV series I've been meaning to watch for a while. But I will also be watching a number of TV movies, particularly ones from the hey-day of the TV movie, the 70s and 80s.

Fortress (1985)
Director: Arch Nicholson
Starring: Rachel Ward, Marc Aden Gray, Rebecca Rigg, Sean Garlick
Format: AVI

Plot: In the Australian countryside, a school teacher and her students are kidnapped by masked men. She and the children fight for their lives and try to escape from their captors.

This Australian made-for-TV movie stars the beautiful Rachel Ward, who was fresh off a series of American big budget movies (SHARKEY'S MACHINE, DEAD MEN DON'T WEAR PLAID, AGAINST ALL ODDS), and a supporting cast made up mostly of children actors.

Teacher and children are the focus of the movie, from the moment they're snatched from their classroom and taken into the Aussie bush for ransom, through their escape from a cave, to another run-in with their captors and climaxing in a final, deadly showdown that sees the kids becoming feral warriors, ala Lord of the Flies, but with bad guys on the receiving end instead of other children.

The fact that this is a made-for-TV movie might suggest that the violence is muted. But remember, this is Australian TV, not American. Whereas American network TV is highly censored, that's not the case in Australia (or here in New Zealand). With a story like this, that's an important difference, because the violence is an important part of proceedings and doesn't have to be kept off-screen.

But in saying that, some of the violence is still quite shocking, being that it involves children. And not children as victims, but children as perpetrators. These kids are pushed over the edge and they fight back in a big way.

The kidnappers are kept faceless for all but a brief moment, and their masks really add to the tension. Like in a more recent move, You're Next, seemingly-friendly masks become instruments of terror. Here it's also animal masks, but the ringleader wears a Santa Claus mask, which is all kinds of twisted.

Ward carries the bulk of the acting load (as well as getting her kit off), but most of the children also do a great job of acting terrified and bewildered and then, towards the end, vengeful. None of the young actors went on to become a Heath Ledger or Naomi Watts, but for most part they've all kept working in TV and movies since.

Fortress is a prime example of a made-for-TV movie done right. At just short of 90 minutes it never feels overly-long. Unencumbered by the censorship issues of an American production, it doesn't pull any punches and weaves an entertaining and suspenseful tale which will have you cheering along as the kids mete out their justice.

Mad Mission 4: You Never Die Twice (1986)

 The cover of my VHS copy of Mad Mission 4

Mad Mission 4: You Never Die Twice (1986)
Director: Ringo Lam
Starring: Samuel Hui, Karl Maka, Sally Yeh
Format: VHS

Plot: Nancy Ho (Sylvia Chang) is kidnapped by villains who want to obtain a hi-tech prism, created by a Hong Kong professor, that can grant superhuman powers. In exchange for her return, Ho's husband Baldy (Maka), his buddy Sam (Hui) and the professor's daughter Sally (Yeh), joined by Baldy's son Baldy Jr, fly to New Zealand to deliver the hi-tech prism to the crooks. However, not allowing to let the crooks succeed, they must band together to prevent the prism from being used.

I haven't seen any of the prior three Mad Mission movies (which I understand were originally titled Aces Go Places). I picked up this VHS a couple of years ago and have been meaning to watch it, mainly because it's a Hong Kong action movie which is partly filmed in my home country, New Zealand.

This movie will mainly be of interest to fans of Jackie Chan-style martial arts action/comedy flicks, but has added appeal to New Zealanders like me. It's fun seeing some familiar sights (downtown Auckland, downtown Wellington, Auckland airport, Huntly Power Station etc) and how they were in 1986. Any Kiwi will easily pick up on the goofy geography used here - during a single, short car chase, our heroes leave Auckland Airport, drive over the Auckland Harbour Bridge and are suddenly in Wellington (which is at least an 8-hour drive from Auckland).

As I already mentioned, this looks and feels like one of Jackie Chan's Hong Kong movies, and leading man Hui even looks and fights like Chan (and has the same goofy facial expressions). His fighting isn't as intricate as Chan, but Hui still holds his own during the action scenes and is likeable enough.

Karl Maka is his bumbling sidekick Baldy (although the English language dubbing calls him Cody throughout), a role he plays completely for comedic value. Maka's goofy antics wear thin after a while - the best stuff happens towards the end when he's held captive and Hui and Yeh are allowed to operate without him.

The supporting cast also has some familiar faces, such as main baddie Ronald Lacey, the Nazi with the disfigured hand in Raiders of the Lost Ark. The script even plays homage to that particular role during the climax. Kiwis will also recognise prolific NZ actor Peter McCauley (LOST WORLD TV series) in the role as Lacey's head goon.

Movies like this fall or stand on their action set-pieces, and there are plenty of good ones (helicopter-speedboat chase, bazooka fired from helicopter, car jumping between high-rise buildings etc) showcased here. Director Ringo Lam would go on to helm a string of Chow Yun-Fat movies as well as a couple of late-90s JVCD flicks (Maximum Risk and The Replicant), and during this early effort he shows a good eye for fast-paced action. Sure, things get goofy Hong Kong-style, including a series of insane stunts involving a toddler falling off a skyscraper, but for the most part Lam keeps it from getting too groanworthy. The only major mis-step is a scene at an ice hockey game, which is played for pure comedy but isn't really funny.

In keeping with the Jackie Chan comparison, the end credits even feature bloopers and behind-the-scenes footage, something that Chan's movies are well-known for.

Mad Mission 4 is a lot of fun. Highly recommended for martial arts fans and those who enjoy their action mixed with wacky comedy.

Manhunt for Claude Dallas (1986)

 The cover of my VHS copy of Manhunt for Claude Dallas

Manhunt for Claude Dallas (1986)
Director: Jerry London
Starring: Matt Salinger, Claude Akins, Beau Starr

Plot: Claude Dallas (Salinger) is a man of the land, living it rough in the mountains of Idaho. When he is caught by a festidious game warden for hunting deer out of season (Akins) Claude shoots him and his fellow warden dead. He goes on the run as a manhunt ensues.

The first comment I have about this 1980s TV movie is that the cover of the VHS (see above) is puzzling. It features Claude Akins prominently, which at first glance would lead you believe that he is Claude Dallas (adding to the confusion is the fact actor and character are both Claude). But instead Akins features for only 10 minutes or so, before being killed and then featuring in brief flashbacks. Odd choice for a cover.

Okay, so with that out of the way, onto the movie. It's directed by Jerry London, a veteran of TV series and TV movies throughout the 70s, 80s and 90s, and apparently based on true events. More specifically it is an adaption of the non-fiction book Outlaw: The Story of Claude Dallas by Jeff Long, with a screenplay by TV veteran John Gay.

London and Gay knew what they were doing, and it shows. This is an above-average TV movie from an era when they really knew how to do TV movies properly. It follows the manhunt, then Dallas' capture and trial, with flashbacks thrown in to show his earlier life as well as some exposition surrounding supporting characters.

What really stands out is that this movie leaves it mildly ambiguous as to whether Claude Dallas was a cold-blooded killer or a kind-hearted man-of-the-land pushed too far by the government. The way that Dallas becomes a folk hero (even gaining his own "Dallas cheerleaders") is a theme that has been covered in countless movies, but remains as revelant today as it did in 1986.

Without having read the original book, I would guess that London and Gay stick pretty closely to the real life story. I say this because there were moments when a fictional story may have thrown in a plot twist, but here it was resisted. That's not to say it is entirely predictable, in fact by staying true to how real people act, it could be said that it's less predictable than your average Hollywood flick.

The acting is great across the board. Salinger (who played the titular hero in the doomed 1990 Captain America film) is an adequate leading man, eliciting sympathy while also showing Dallas' dark side. The supporting cast features several familiar faces.  Brent Spiner (Lt Data on STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION) is Claude's nervy friend who witnesses the murders. Pat Hingle (Jim Gordon in Tim Burton's BATMAN movies) is a friend who helps Claude. Rip Torn (MEN IN BLACK) is the cop that leads the manhunt. And Annette Benning makes her on-screen debut in a brief scene.

Perhaps not action-packed or exploitive enough for some people, fans of 70s and 80s TV movies should find this one an interesting enough watch.

Demon Rage (1982)

Demon Rage (1982)
Director: James Polakof
Starring: Lana Wood, Britt Ekland, John Carradine
Format: Streaming (American Pop Classics)

Plot: Frustrated housewife Lisa (Wood) begins having nightly trysts with a tall, dark stranger who turns out to be a ghost from the other side. Thus begins her descent into dementia, as she begins to distance herself even further from her husband and kids while painting portraits of her enigmatic new lover.

As I mentioned in my last review, my Netflix is on the fritz, but I discovered another streaming service on my WDTV Live called American Pop Classics. In amongst the usual public domain stuff it offers (Carnival of Souls, Bucket of Blood etc), I spotted this one. I'd never heard of it, but it sounded interesting enough and since it has a 2.8 average rating on IMDB, and I'm a sucker for punishment, I decided to check it out.

Comedy director James Polakof (SWIM TEAM) takes a stab at supernatural horror for this early 80s effort, which is also known as Satan's Mistress, with disappointing results.

I'm not a James Bond fan (I quite like the Daniel Craig ones, but don't care for any of the older ones), but I understand that Lana Wood was a Bond girl. Apparently her character in 1971's Diamonds are Forever was called Plenty O'Toole. Eleven years later, her character here might as well be called Juggs B Free, because she sure does spend a lot of time with them uncovered.

A quick check of IMDB reveals that this is something of a Bond reunion, with fellow Bond girl Britt Ekland (THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN) playing the psychic best friend and bad guy Kabir Bedi (OCTOPUSSY) as the "demon". With his black clothes, dark hair and beard and arched eyebrows Bedi reminds me of Terence Stamp's General Zod  in the Reeves Superman flicks, but he does little more than brood and try to look evil.

While this might have some passing interest to diehard Bond fans (or 11-year-old boys keen to check out Ms Wood's ample assets), it really is a tedious affair. Weird stuff happens to Lisa, she writhes on a bed having sexy dreams about her demon lover, her husband gets angry… this pattern repeats over and over until a half-assed conclusion. By that time I'd sure had enough of hearing Wood's lusty moans mixed with the crashing of waves (her home is at the beach).

The demon also tries to possess Lisa's daughter or some crap like that, but yawn, yawn, yawn. For a horror this is not the least bit scary or suspenseful. There's a decent decapitation scene, but even that can't make up for the rest. I found myself counting down the minutes until this one was over. I can see why this public domain snoozer is an obscurity, and frankly it should stay that way.

MAY-DE TO BE MOCKED: Robowar (1988)

Note: Throughout the month of May I will be watching Mockbusters, those low-budget movies which are made purely to cash in on a recent successful blockbuster. I call this May-de to be Mocked!

Robowar (1988)
Director: Bruno Mattei (as Vincent Dawn)
Starring: Reb Brown, Catherine Hickland, Romano Puppo, Jim Gaines
Format: Streaming (YouTube)

Plot: A team of American commandos is sent into the Central American jungle to rescue hostages captured by guerrillas. But it turns out their real mission is to recover a top-secret cyborg fighting machine, Omega-1, who lurks in the jungle and hunts them one by one.

If the synopsis above isn't enough of a clue, let me make it clear that this is a complete rip off of the Arnie blockbuster Predator, just with a government-made cyborg replacing the alien hunter. We're talking about complete scenes ripped off by Italian filmmaker Bruno Mattei, with a mostly Italian cast, shot probably on the budget of a small buffet meal in the land of awesome 80s action, The Philippines!

The early proceedings are fairly run-of-the-mill jungle action, but once Omega-1 turns up, oh boy do things get silly. And awesome!

Omega-1 is a cross between the Predator and Robocop in concept, but he has a costume which looks like a low-budget Power Rangers villain (I realise Power Rangers is low budget enough, but this is even worse). Naturally they attempt to pull off something akin to the "computer-assisted POV" of both the Predator and Robocop, but it comes across extremely cheaply. And the inane robotic chatter of Omega-1 sounds like a cross between Twiki from the 70s show Buck Rogers in the 25th Century and 80s hit Max Headroom. Just bizarre. See if you can watch any of the scenes involving this so-called killing machine without laughing your ass off.

The acting is pretty bad across the board, but the standout is Reb Brown, who plays Murphy Black, the leader of the commandos. He's our pseudo-Arnie, only with acting that's more wooden than anything the Governator himself ever managed (I know, incredible right!), and with a hell of a lot of yelling. If you haven't seen Reb in action before, he just looooves to yell at the top of his lungs. Most of his lines are along the lines of "Come on, we have to move!" or "Get out of here" or just plain old "Arrrghhh!". Reb can portray any emotion, as long as it involves yelling at the top of his lungs.

This was my first time seeing Reb Brown in action. I knew the name from reading about the two Captain America TV movies in which he played Steve Rogers/Cap in the 80s, but after watching RoboWar I definitely need to see more of this guy! If he's like this in all of his movies, I've found another inductee for the Crappy Action Star Hall of Fame.

There's a twist in the ending, but really the plot isn't anything special. If you've seen Predator or any other jungle warfare movie you know what to expect. But don't let that put you off. This bad boy is action packed with gun battles and explosions, and the unintentionally-hilarious robot design and Reb Brown's over-the-top goofy acting make this an easy recommendation.

31 Nights of Terror '12 #6 - Island Claws

 The cover of my VHS copy of Island Claws

Island Claws (1980)
Director: Hernan Cardenas
Starring: Robert Lansing, Steve Hanks,
Format: VHS (Empire Video)

Plot: A biological experiment in Florida goes awry. The result: 8-foot long land crabs which roar loudly and kill everything in sight.

See that plot synopsis above? Short isn't it? But that's about all there is to Island Claws. Sure, there's a sub-plot about a young would-be couple from two feuding families, and another about Haitian boatpeople who are smuggled onto land near the village, but all you really need to know is that crabs run amok.

According to IMDB, Island Claws is the only credit for Hernan Cardenas, who wrote, directed and produced this movie. Not sure why that is - Island Claws isn't the worst monster flick I've ever seen. But it's also nothing special.

Pete Adams (Steve Hanks, who the same year starred alongside a young Michelle Pfeiffer in the TV show BAD CATS) and Jan Raines (Jo McDonnell, Marilyn Munster in the 1981 TV movie THE MUNSTERS' REVENGE) are the aforementioned young couple. We get to know them and several other characters in a small Florida fishing village.

A few familiar old faces appear in the supporting cast. Barry Nelson (manager of the Outlook Hotel in Kubrick's THE SHINING) is a marine biologist; Robert Lansing (who made something of a living from "giant nature runs amok" flicks in the late 70s and early 80s, also starring in EMPIRE OF THE ANTS and the giant roaches flick THE NEST) is a bar owner and father figure to Pete.

I'm not going to lie. The first two-thirds of this movie are boring. They're full of mundane village life, sprinkled with a couple of crab attacks. Not giant crabs though, regular sized ones. These attacks consist of someone screaming intercut with stock footage of crabs scuttling about. Hardly terrifying stuff.

The giant crab shows up for the closing act and brings good cheesy action fun, but by then it's too little too late. I understand not wanting to show the creature in its entirety for most of the movie, but what we're left with is 75 minutes of boring set up for 15 minutes of giant crustacean shenanigans.

31 Nights of Terror '12 #4 - Witchboard

Witchboard (1986)
Director: Kevin Tenney
Starring: Todd Allen, Tawny Kitaen, Stephen Nicholls
Format: VHS (Continental Video)

Plot: At a party, a guest brings out a Ouija board, and they attempt to contact a spirit he knows. The spirit does appear, but it becomes apparent to the one who brought the Ouija board that this is an evil spirit that is impersonating his spirit, and despite warnings not to use the board alone, a woman uses it alone, and becomes harassed by the evil spirit, his goal to possess her so he can walk the earth again.

A year before she became forever embedded in the fantasies of males the world over (including yours truly at age 13) by rolling about on the hood of a couple of Jaguars in a Whitesnake video, 80s hottie Tawny Kitaen starred in this pretty good paranormal horror flick.

Kitaen and her mountain of teased hair are in good form as Linda, the hot babe who falls victim to a vengeful spirit. Todd Allen (who has a roll in the upcoming DJANGO UNCHAINED) is her sceptical boyfriend and Stephen Nicholls (a veteran of several US soaps with Ken-doll looks) is the Ouija board owner and rival for Linda's affections.

Director Kevin Tenney (NIGHT OF THE DEMONS) does a nice job building up suspense and shows some Raimi-esque touches with POV spirit shots. The music makes this feel like a Poltergeist sequel at times, although things never get as batshit-crazy as in those films.

The acting's good across the board, except for Kathleen Wilhoite, whose Cali-speak spiritual medium character is the epitome of grating. You'll cheer as she bites the dust, trust me. Except for a terrible green-screen shot during the climax, the effects are minimal but effective (mostly objects moving by themselves).

The storyline does a good job of building up the characters and their back stories. It might be a bit slow at the start for some, but I found the plot to be engaging enough. Overall this was an enjoyable watch and there's even the pre-requisite Tawny Kitaen shower scene (with full frontal nudity) - my 13-year-old self would have been ecstatic.

31 Nights of Terror '12 #2 - Blood Beach

Blood Beach (1980)
Director: Jeffrey Bloom
Starring: David Huffman, Marianna Hill, Burt Young
Format: DVD-R

Plot: Something or someone is attacking people one by one on the beach. Some of them are mutilated, but most of them are sucked into the sand, disappearing without a trace. What is the creature responsible? Where does it live, and where did it come from? And is there any chance of it reproducing? Meanwhile, David Huffman and Mariana Hill are once-almost-married old friends, reunited over the death of her mother on the beach, and searching for clues in the abandoned buildings where they used to play when they were young.

When a movie from 1980 fails to get a Region 1 or 4 DVD release, it usually means it's craptacular and only of interest to lovers of bad cinema. That's what I was expecting from Blood Beach (which has only been released on German DVD). Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be a damn good low-budget horror flick!

The basic plot isn't exactly genius. One line of Jaws-inspired dialogue from the film sums it up - "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, you can't get to it". But around that writer-director Jeffrey Bloom (who also helmed the anthology flick NIGHTMARES) weaves a nice little story about a Harbour Patrol cop (Huffman) and the woman he let get away (Hill). There's a few clunkers (like how Huffman's developing love triangle quickly resolves itself thanks to the creature), but they're the exception rather than the rule.

The kill scenes (victim sucked down into the sand by their feet, rinse, repeat) sound corny but they're actually effective. The concept was used 20 years later in Tremors, albeit in more of an action b-movie way than here. Bloom builds up suspense nicely, so the repetitive kills don't get boring. And the main thing he does right is keeping the monster off-screen until the finale. By then it doesn't matter that the creature effect is pretty bad.

But what really ties Blood Beach together is the acting. The two leads are great and have good chemistry. It's a shame that Huffman (WOLF LAKE) was lost to acting at the age of 39 (he was murdered just five years after this movie), because he's a likeable leading man. Hill's career was waning after earlier starring alongside Eastwood in HIGH PLAINS DRIFTER and playing Fredo Corleone's trashy wife in GODFATHER PART II, but she's also cute and likeable.

The supporting cast is also good. Genre veteran John Saxon is in usual form as a perpetually-grumpy police captain, while Burt Young (ROCKY) offers comedic relief as a loud-mouthed, un-PC detective who's always eating.

Here's hoping Blood Beach gets a legit DVD release soon (my DVD-R is a scratchy VHS-rip), because it's a nice piece of early-80s horror/scifi.

31 Nights of Terror '12 #1: Rawhead Rex

The cover of my VHS copy of Rawhead Rex

Rawhead Rex (1986)
Director: George Pavlou
Starring: David Dukes, Kelly Piper, Niall Toibin
Format: VHS (Applause Home Video)

Plot: In Ireland a farmer knocks over an ancient stone column, releasing a centuries-old demon called Rawhead Rex. An American history buff (Dukes, GODS AND MONSTERS) and his family on holiday are soon fighting for their lives as the monster goes on the rampage. But what connection is there with the local village church, which has a stained-glass window featuring an image of the creature?

I'm sure you've all heard of this movie and know of its connection to the great British horror writer Clive Barker (HELLRAISER etc), and how he disowned this adaption of his story, mainly because he wasn't happy with the monster effects.

It's pretty easy to see why Clive was so upset, because this is a good movie except for the monster suit. There's talk of a remake being done (what's new), which for once could be a good thing. Ol' Sexy Rexy'll have you chuckling into your popcorn, which I'm sure wasn't the response director George Pavlou intended. In fact, he reminded me of Bebop from the old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon, if he'd borrowed Brian Bosworth's classic mullet.

But the monster suit is about the only gripe I have. Well, the name too - my father-in-law's name is Rex and a bald skinny guy in his 60s isn't what I want to associate with a monster flick. Those gripes aside, I enjoyed this movie quite a bit.

I like the fact this movie is authentically Irish (one look at the cast list shows two Nialls, a Ronan, a Cora and a Donal), rather than having somewhere like Vancouver or Toronto standing in for Ireland. The small Irish village setting gives it a nice Lovecraftian/Wicker Man vibe.

Pavlou throws in a few nicely-shot scenes (one where a teen couple run away after finding a dead body uses light and angles effectively), and there's some good gore, mostly courtesy of several beheadings. On the downside there's minimal T&A, just one topless shot when a girl is attacked by Rexy.

While the monster brings plenty of unintentional laughs, there is some intentional humour, most of it very British/Irish in flavour. One exchange of funny dialogue between our main character and a policeman: "In the meantime can I get you a cup of tea?" "Why don't you go fuck yourself?" "I'll pass that suggestion along".

The best thing about Rawhead Rex is it's never too predictable. There are some real WTF moments (like when the monster relieves himself on a priest) and I was shocked when a young boy was killed by Rex (I'm used to the movie convention where kids are never seriously hurt or killed).

It's just a shame about that monster suit.

Blastfighter (1984)

 The cover of my VHS copy of Blastfighter

Blastfighter (1984)

Director: Lamberto Bava

Starring: Michael Sopkiw, Valentina Forte, George Eastman

Format: VHS (Medusa)

Italian director Lamberto Bava is best known to most of us as the son of the great Mario Bava and for his gory horror movies Demons and Demons 2. But he dabbled in other genres as well. In 1984 he helmed two action movies, the much-maligned Devil Fish (victim of a MST3K lampooning) and the lesser-known Blastfighter.

Jake "Tiger" Sharp (Sopkiw, 2019: AFTER THE FALL OF NEW YORK) is an ex-cop just released from jail for the murder of the man who killed his wife. He heads to his old hometown in the mountains of Georgia, where he is soon butting heads with the redneck locals, led by former rival Tom (George Eastman, 1990: THE BRONX WARRIORS). Tom, his brother Wally (Stefano Mingardo, ATLANTIS INTERCEPTORS) and their hillbilly buddies are torturing wildlife for a Hong Kong businessman, who uses the animals to make aphrodisiacs for the Asian market.

Tiger's daughter Connie (Valentina Forte) shows up unexpectedly and after the war escalates father and daughter are soon fleeing the killer hillbillies through the mountain forest. With his back against the wall, Tiger retrieves a special gun given to him by a cop buddy and goes on the rampage, killing the rednecks off until he faces a final showdown with Tom.

Plot-wise, Blastfighter is a fairly predictable revenge-in-the-woods flick with elements of Deliverance, Walking Tall and First Blood. If it were an American production it would definitely be worth watching, but the Italian influence makes it even more fun. It's got the overdubbed voices we all love from Italian cinema (including some hiliarious redneck accents), a synth-heavy Euro soundtrack by Guido & Maurizio De Angelis (who did a bunch of Bud Spencer/Terrence Hill comedies), and even a cameo by another Italian director, Michele Soavi (CEMETERY MAN), who was assistant director for this film.

Most of the fun comes from the Italian take on American hillbillies, which is pretty campy, and there's more unintentional humour in famiiliar places (like vehicles exploding in huge fireballs from just a small crash into a ditch). There's also a really cool action set piece towards the end, with lots of explosions, smoke and spotlights, and the final shot (playing off an earlier scene of a truck full of animal carcasses) is well done.

Blastfighter is an excellent revenge flick and well worth hunting down, if you'll excuse the pun.

SUMMER OF 87 #12 - Three for the Road

The cover of my VHS copy of Three for the Road

 

8.15pm, Day 2:
Three for the Road
Director: Bill L Norton
Starring: Charlie Sheen, Kerri Green, Alan Ruck, Blair Tefkin
Format: VHS (Roadshow)

Plot: A crafty political aide (Sheen) and his soft-spoken pal (Ruck) are assigned the job of delivering a senator's out-of-control teenage daughter (Green) to an institution.

- NOTE: I was originally going to end this marathon with NEAR DARK, easily my favourite vampire movie of all time. But I watch that one a lot, and my wife decided to join me for this finale, so I picked something we could enjoy together. So comedy it is.
- This movie is like a convergence of two of my favourite 80s movies, bringing together Charlie Sheen and Alan Ruck (both in FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF) and Kerri Green (who was in THE GOONIES). Sheen and Ruck also acted together on the TV series Spin City and Sheen and Green starred together in 1986's LUCAS (with Corey Haim).
- I've never seen this movie. In fact, before I found it on VHS I had never heard of it. I don't think it's ever been released on DVD.
- Hey, it's Uncle Phil (James Avery from Fresh Prince of Bel Air) as a Jesus-freak truck driver.
- Nice undies Charlie.
- Blair Tefkin. I remember her from the original scifi series V, a role she got when Dominique Dunne was murdered (look it up if you're unfamiliar with the case). Here Blair is definitely switching things up from her square girl role in V, as she plays a fast-talking southern party girl.

Overall thoughts: This seems to be a forgotten 80s comedy - you just don't hear anything about it. I'm not sure why that is, because it's actually pretty good. The closest comparison I can think of is another 80s roadtrip comedy, The Sure Thing, except here the girl's the loose cannon and the guy the square. At this point in his career Charlie Sheen was a likeable lead man, Alan Ruck puts in another solid performance as a neurotic sidekick, and I was happy to get to see Kerri Green on screen again, because she never made another mainstream movie after this. If you're a fan of these types of movies it's worth tracking down Three For The Road.

SUMMER OF 87 #11 - Death Wish 4

 The cover of my VHS copy of Death Wish 4

6pm, Day 2:

Death Wish 4: The Crackdown
Director: J Lee Thompson
Starring: Charles Bronson, Kay Lenz, John P Ryan
Format: VHS (Kerridge Odeon Amalgamated)

Plot: Architect/vigilante Paul Kersey (Bronson) takes on the members of a vicious Los Angeles drug cartel to stop the flow of drugs after his girlfriend's (Lenz) daughter dies from an overdose.

- Unfortunately this marathon hasn't had as much action as I would have liked. Let's change that with some mindless revenge!
- I've seen the original Death Wish but none of the sequels.
- J Lee Thompson (GUNS OF NAVARONE, the original CAPE FEAR) is a top director. I somewhat liked what he did with another Bronson vehicle, WHITE BUFFALO, and he also helmed the underrated slasher HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.
- I've always had a bit of a thing for Kay Lenz (WHITE LINE FEVER, HOUSE).
- Wow, Dana Barron, who plays the daughter of Kersey's girlfriend, sure did grow up between 1983 (when she played Clark Griswald's annoying daughter Audrey in NATIONAL LAMPOON'S VACATION) and 1987.
- And there's Mark Pellegrino (Satan on SUPERNATURAL, Paul Bennett on DEXTER) in an early bit role as a punk rocker!
- Dig the Wine Salesman bit. Kaboom!
- Pellegrino's not the only Supernatural alumni in this movie. Mitch Pileggi has a bit role as well.
- Bronson + uzi + factory full of bad guys = a good ol' time. Well, not for the bad guys.
- A sure sign you're watching a movie made no later than the 1980s: it contains at least one scene set in a Roller Rink.
- Well, that was certainly an impressive exit for the main bad guy.

Overall thoughts: I haven't seen any of the other Death Wish sequels, so I can't tell you how well this one stacks up against them. But as a standalone it's fairly good. Not as jam-packed full of action as I was hoping, but it has enough explosions, gunfights etc to keep things entertaining. Bronson is as brooding as ever, albeit getting old by this stage and pushing the bounds of credibility as an action star. But he blows away people with a big gun, and that's about all you want from a Death Wish movie, right?

SUMMER OF 87 #10 - Munchies

 The cover of my VHS copy of Munchies

3.40pm, Day 2:

Munchies
Director: Bettina Hirsch
Starring: Harvey Korman, Charlie Stratton, Nadine Van der Velde
Format: VHS (CEL)

Plot: Simon Watterman (Korman), a space archaeologist, discovers the "Munchies" in a cave in Peru. Cecil Watterman (Korman again), Simon's evil twin brother and snack food entrepreneur, kidnaps the creature. What Cecil does not know is that the creature, when chopped up, regenerates into many new creatures -- and are they mean!

- Disclosure: No, I haven't seen this one.
- From the long line of Gremlins rip-offs (Critters, Ghoulies, Hobgoblins, Beasties, Spookies etc) comes this Roger Corman-produced effort, directed by Bettina Hirsch, who worked as an editor on Gremlins. This was her only directing gig, which doesn't bode well.
- From the look of the cover I'm expecting a second-rate Gremlins knockoff with an emphasis on sex and toilet humour. Although the PG rating tells me any sex will probably be more implied than shown. Boo-urns!
- They're not even trying to disguise how much of a ripoff this is. Arnold sounds just like Gizmo.
- I wonder how much they spent on creature design for this movie? My guess is $20 tops.
- Alright I get it now. They're proudly flaunting the fact this is a Gremlins ripoff (look for all the in-jokes - Gizmo in a newspaper ad, licence plate that says OHGIZMO etc).
- Veteran comedian Korman sure is hamming it up as Cecil Watterman, and Alix Elias, who plays Cecil's wife, is just plain annoying.
- I bet Robert Picado (STAR TREK VOYAGER) looks back on this movie as a career highlight. Or not.
- As I suspected, the only T&A is pretty tame (panty flashes). And no gore to speak of. Those two things would probably save this movie. Okay, they wouldn't save it, but maybe make it more bearable.

Overall thoughts: Dumb. So very dumb. Take Gremlins, remove Joe Dante's stylish directing, replace the monsters with cheap, annoying knockoffs, switch the talented cast for nobodies and hammy cartoonish acting... well, you get the picture. The best thing is if you haven't seen Munchies, you don't need to. I've seen it and I can safely tell you to avoid it.