Stanley (1972)

Stanley (1972)
Director: William Grefe
Starring: Chris Robinson, Alex Rocco, Steve Alaimo
Format: DVD

Plot: A young Seminole Indian uses his rattlesnake to take revenge on all those he believes have wronged him.


Florida regional B-movie maker William Grefe is best known for helming some of the worst films of all time, like Death Curse of Tartu and Sting of Death. Given that reputation I went into this - a lesser-known nature revenge flick - with extremely low expectations and came out pleasantly surprised.

Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't a great movie. In fact, the first two-thirds are for the most part pretty boring, as we meet ex-Vietnam Vet and Seminole Indian Tim (Robinson), who has shunned society to live in the Everglades with his pet rattlesnakes (including the titular Stanley). We also meet local crime boss Thomkins (Alex Rocco from THE GODFATHER), his slutty daughter, a variety of Thomkins' henchmen and assorted other locals. When Tim finds out that Thomkins' men killed his father he gets revenge on them, but things don't really pick up pace until another henchman slaughters some of Tim's scaly friends.

Once Tim goes into full-on revenge mode Stanley becomes good fun to watch, full of zany, weird action as only the 70s could provide. Unintentional humor abounds. Among the highlights are Tim explaining about the death of his "family" to a stripclub bouncer, Thomkins diving into a pool full of snakes, the way a henchman named Psycho keeps saying "Yeah Mutha!", and the wacky ending. There's plenty that'll have you shaking your head with a wry, confused smile on your face.

Part Willard (man uses animals to get revenge), part Billy Jack (Native American fights back against evil white men) and part Copperhead (killer snakes), Stanley is worth watching if you're in the mood for an offbeat 70s b-movie.

31 Nights of Terror 2015 #33 - Don't Look in the Basement (1973)

Don't Look in the Basement (1973)
Director: SF Brownrigg
Starring: Bill McGhee, Jessie Lee Fulton, Robert Dracup
Format: DVD

Plot: Nurse Charlotte Beale arrives at the isolated Stephens Sanitarium to work, only to learn that Dr. Stephens was murdered by one of the patients and his successor, Dr. Geraldine Masters, is not very eager to take on new staff. Charlotte finds her job maddeningly hard as the patients torment and harass her at every turn, and she soon learns why Dr. Masters is so eager to keep outsiders out.

I picked up this movie as part of a 12-movie DVD set called American Horror Stories, which I bought while visiting the US a couple of years ago. Most of the movies are public domain stuff (House on Haunted Hill, Bucket of Blood, Little Shop of Horrors) or very bad prints of other 60s and 70s horror. While the picture quality of this 70s indie cheapie (apparently it cost $100,000 and was shot in 12 days) isn't great, luckily the movie itself makes up for that in spades.

Also known as The Forgotten, this was the debut for late director SF Brownrigg, who does a great job of building up a tense atmosphere. The acting, all by unknowns, is rough around the edges as you'd expect, but does a great job of conveying the various mental short-comings of the inmates. There are some genuinely chilling moments and a bit of blood is shed here and there.

The setting and opening kill (axe to the head while chopping wood) invoked comparisons with Friday the 13th: The New Blood, while the rest of it kind of reminded me of a low-budget Shutter Island. I won't go too much into the plot since there's a pretty good twist involved (which veteran horror movie fans will probably guess but is good anyway).

I highly recommend Don't Look in the Basement, although fans of more modern and polished horror might not find it to their liking.

As a post-script, I should mention that the director's son has helmed a sequel, the trailer for which you can find online. I'm looking forward to checking that out when it's released.

TUNE IN JUNE: Gargoyles (1972)

Note: Here on Schlock to the System, June is TUNE IN JUNE, which is really just an excuse for me to catch up on some TV series I've been meaning to watch for a while. But I will also be watching a number of TV movies, particularly ones from the hey-day of the TV movie, the 70s and 80s.

Gargoyles (1972)
Director: Bill L Norton
Starring: Cornel Wilde, Jennifer Salt, Scott Glenn, Bernie Casey
Format: AVI

Plot: An anthropologist and his daughter travel into the desert of the southwest US to investigate a report of strange goings-on, and stumble upon a colony of living, breathing gargoyles who live in nearby caves. When the gargoyles attack, father and daughter must fight for survival.

Ah yes, the TV movie. Before the advent of the VCR, the only way most people could catch a movie was either at the cinema or later when it was broadcast on TV. During the 1960s, a new term was coined, the Made-for-TV movie. Throughout the 70s and 80s, the likes of the ABC Movie of the Week and NBC Saturday Night at the Movies became ratings winners.

Made-for-TV movies usually had low budgets, a small cast and a pacing all of their own, based around needing mini-cliffhangers running into commercial breaks. Some were good, plenty were bad, and some were controversial, pushing the boundaries of what was acceptable on television.

Being that I was born in 1974 and outside of the US, I missed a lot of the 70s and early 80s made-for-TV movies. When I decided to do this theme for June, I turned to the internet to find what people considered some of the best of the genre. 1972's Gargoyles (which apparently premiered on CBS in the US) sprang up on a few lists, so I hunted it down.

It is directed by Bill L Norton, who went on to direct a lot of TV movies and series, everything from Tour of Duty to Angel to The Unit. It is written by TV movie vets Stephen and Elinor Karpf (ADAM AT SIX AM, TERROR IN THE SKY, DEVIL DOG: HOUND FROM HELL etc).

The cast is a good one. Cornel Wilde (something of a star in the 40s, 50s and 60s) is an adequate leading man, while attractive Jennifer Salt (who would go on to star on TV's SOAP) does a lot of screaming as his daughter. Scott Glenn (APOCALYPSE NOW) is a young dirt-biker who helps them battle the gargoyles, while former NFL player Bernie Casey is the head gargoyle (under heavy make-up and with vocal effects added by another actor) and former TV star Grayson Hall (DARK SHADOWS) is a hard-drinking motel owner.

Gargoyles is nicely shot, with the desert setting adding a level of suspense and creepiness to what is otherwise a rather-corny monster flick. Because it's a 70s made-for-TV movie we can cut the special effects some slack, but they're bad - the Gargoyle make-up kind of reminded me of the Sleestaks from the Land of the Lost TV series. I was surprised to read on IMDB that the make-up was done by the legendary Stan Winston, here making his debut.  But I guess everyone has to start somewhere.

Norton tries his best to give proceedings an air of suspense, with touches such as doing the gargoyles' scenes in slow motion. It's an attempt to make their movements seem other-wordly, but because the backgrounds go by in slow-motion too, it ultimately fails. One other thing of note is that the opening credits have a "green ooze" font, which instantly reminded me of the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror credits (I was half expecting to see… Directed by Boogeyman Bill Norton).

If this movie was made today it would be hard to describe it as anything but mediocre. But given the era it was made, and the fact it was made for TV, I'm willing to cut it a little slack and give it a mild recommendation. I suspect it will mainly appeal to anyone who watched it as a kid, for nostalgic reasons.

MAY-DE TO BE MOCKED - Angels Brigade (1979)

 Note: Throughout the month of May I will be watching Mockbusters, those low-budget movies which are made purely to cash in on a recent successful blockbuster. I call this May-de to be Mocked!  

Angels Brigade (1979)
Director: Greydon Clark
Starring: Robin Greer, Susan Kiger, Jack Palance, Peter Lawford
Format: Streaming (Youtube)

Plot: Meet six women and a teenage girl who never expected to risk their lives fighting for justice. A schoolteacher had seen one too many kids succumb to drugs. A Las Vegas entertainer learned her brother had been beaten by a drug pusher. A martial arts teacher knew how insidious drugs were among children. A top model knew that drugs were destroying her life. A stunt driver was in shock when her brother overdosed  on drugs. Add a nosy schoolgirl and a policewoman and you've got the Angels Brigade who strike back against the evil fat cats pushing drugs to kids.

AKA Seven from Heaven, Angels Revenge

In the late 1970s Charlie's Angels ruled the TV screen, with it's lightweight tales of three beautiful women fighting the bad guys and solving crime, all the while striking poses in bikinis and perfectly-coifered hair. Sensing a chance to cash in on this, B-grade actor-turned-director Greydon Clark took this concept to the big screen.

But we all know that taking a TV show to the movie screen you need to make everything bigger. Charlie's Angels had three bimbo crimefighters? Well, let's double that! And then add one more! Yep let's have seven girls! And those TV Angels don't really cover the demographics very well, they're too white. So let's add in an Asian girl (a martial arts expert, naturally) and a black girl (a take-no-nonsense sassy stunt driver). The others can be a cop, a pop star, a schoolteacher, a slutty model… hell, let's throw in the cop's little sister to cover the teenage girl demographic!

Once our seven girls are assembled (rather briskly one must add, let's not let plot get in the way of things here), they soon target an assortment of drug pusher baddies. The big boss is ex-Rat Packer Peter Lawford (so sozzled he has to sit for most of his scenes), and his head henchman is scene-stealing bad guy par-excellence Jack Palance. Add in an abundance of machine-gun-toting, generic bad guys, and we're good to go.

Let's face it, you don't watch this kind of movie for the plot, dialogue or acting. Which is just as well, because all three are frankly awful.

Nobody behaves in the least bit logically. Two of the Angels break into a baddie compound and are walking out in the open when two baddies turn a corner. What do the girls do to avoid detection? They stand perfectly still, right out in the open, in daylight. And it works!

The lines are soap opera-level and except for some good supporting performances (from seasoned character actors like Palance, Jim Backus, Neville Brand and Pat Buttram), all of the acting from the lead bimbos is so bad it's unintentionally humourous. The worst perpetrator is the late Jacqueline Cole, who plays the schoolteacher. Her acting is so bad I looked up the credits to find out who she was sleeping with to get her (prominent) role. Sure enough, she was married to director Clark. Enough said.

But as I said, plot, dialogue and acting aren't overly important here. What really saves this movie is that everything is so corny, over-the-top and, well, "70s", that it gives it a certain charm. The lead girls are all attractive and it helps that they get to kick butt, even busting out a souped-up van full of hidden weapons that's like something out of an episode of the A-Team.

In fact, that's probably the best comparison I can make - Angels Revenge feels a lot like an extra-long episode of a Stephen J. Cannell TV show. I never really saw Charlie's Angels so can't compare there, but I grew up on 80s TV and this feels as fun and harmless as anything from The A-Team, Knight Rider or Macgyver.

31 Nights of Terror '12 #5 - Nightwing

The cover of my VHS copy of Nightwing

Nightwing (1979)
Director: Arthur Hiller
Starring: Nick Mancuso, David Warner, Kathryn Harrold
Format: VHS (RCA Columbia)

Plot: Cattle turn up dead from mysterious bites on an Indian reservation in New Mexico. Native deputy Duran (Italian-American Mancuso) investigates while a rival chief negotiates for a sacred valley to be drilled for oil. A bat expert (Warner, TRON) is sure vampire bats have migrated north from Mexico, and when people start getting killed it looks like he's right. He, along with Duran and his girlfriend (Harrold) set off to find the bats and put an end to their terror.

Up until seeing this movie, I had never enjoyed a killer bat horror movie. Sadly, after seeing this movie, I still haven't.

There's just something about bat attacks that make them more comedic than terror-inducing. Give me killer piranhas, birds, even insects, and I can buy it, but bats just don't do it for me. I'm sure being attacked by a swarm of bats would suck in real life, but on screen it's yawn-inducing.

Even putting that personal bias aside, director Arthur Hiller (who made his name directing TV episodes in the 50s and 60s) has put together a film that offers nothing new. There's nothing special about the way it's shot, its plot (about the only interesting plot point is when Duran eats a hallucenogenic plant and uses Indian "visions" to help find and beat the bats), or for that matter the acting.

There's barely even anything cheesy to make things fun. The bat effects are hilariously bad (a mix of back-projection and fluffy toys), but everything else is rather boring and the ending ("I'm going to close the circle Abner") is predictable and corny.

31 Nights of Terror '12 #3 - Schizo

 The cover of my VHS copy of Schizo

Schizo (1976)
Director: Peter Walker
Starring: Lynne Frederick, John Leyton, Stephanie Beacham
Format: VHS (Warner Home Video)

Plot: Samantha (Frederick, VAMPIRE CIRCUS) and Alan (former pop star Leyton) are getting married, but William Haskins isn't pleased. He grabs a train south to London and begins shadowing Samantha as she tries to get on with married life. Haskins' attempts to frighten her drive Samantha to desperation, but she's having trouble convincing anyone that she's being stalked. Even her psychiatrist dismisses her concerns as part of her neurosis. As bodies begin turning up, Samantha's story becomes more believable, and her dark secret from the past begins to reveal itself.

English psychological thriller Schizo could also be considered an early slasher, or a British version of a giallo, albeit with a smaller body count than most. Perhaps the best comparison would be Black Christmas, only in that the killer's identity is known from the start. Or is it? I'm not going to spoil anything, but there's a twist that you'll see coming a mile away.

Director Pete Walker (HOUSE OF WHIPCORD, FRIGHTMARE) puts the kettle on the stove and lets it boil slowly. Frederick does an admirable job as Samantha first comes off looking like an overly-paranoid woman but before long is fighting for her life as those around her start dying. It doesn't hurt that she's extremely cute and spends a lot of screen-time in the buff.

The kills offer some good gore (the best being the knitting needle through the back of the head and out the eye) and the acting's pretty good across the board. Jack Watson is suitably creepy as stalker William Haskins.

If you're in the mood for a slow-boiling British psycho slasher, Schizo is worth a watch.

The Black Gestapo (1975)

A scan of my VHS copy of Black Gestapo 

 

The Black Gestapo (1975)
Director: Lee Frost
Starring: Rod Perry, Charles Robinson, Phil Hoover
Format: VHS (Prestige Video)

Lee Frost directed everything from 1960s Mondo shockumentaries and softcore roughies to biker flicks and the campy scifi comedy THE THING WITH TWO HEADS. In 1966 he helmed Love Camp 7, which is widely considered a pioneer in the nazi exploitation genre. Nine years later he revisited the nazi theme with a twist, nazi blaxploitation!

At least that's what this movie's title and cover art would have you believe. In truth there's no real nazi content beyond the uniforms worn by The People's Army, a black revolutionary group who dress like a cross between Hitler Youth and the Black Panthers.

And to call it blaxploitation isn't totally accurate either. Sure, the antagonists are African American but The Black Gestapo doesn't really play up black culture in the way true blaxploitation movies do. It's more of a straight up exploitation movie that just happens to have a majority of black characters. And what exploitation there is! Nudity, racism, violence against women, rape, castration... The Black Gestapo doesn't pull any punches.

The plot follows The People's Army as they fight back against a group of white gangsters who're shaking down the black neighbourhood in Watts, Los Angeles. Led by General Ahmed (Rod Perry, THE BLACK GODFATHER, SWAT TV series) and Colonel Kojah (Charles Robinson, best known as Mac in 80s TV show Night Court), the revolutionaries use their training in guerilla tactics to wage a full-out war with the honkey hoods.

Once the white guys are out of the picture, Kojah is quickly corrupted by his new found power. Breaking away from Ahmed, he and his men soon enough take the place of their former white oppressors, shaking down bookies, selling drugs and killing anyone who gets in their way. It's up to the principled Ahmed to try to put a stop to his former righthand man's delusions of grandeur.

Frost regular Phil Hoover (THE THING WITH TWO HEADS) plays bigoted white goon Vito, who gets his comeuppance in a painful way, while Frost himself plays campy toupee-wearing criminal overlord Vincent.

You could say there's a serious message in all of this - that the oppressed can quickly become the oppressors if they give in to the temptations of power. But really, who cares about morales and messages when there's so much sleazy exploitation to enjoy? Especially when it comes wrapped in a parcel of funky 70s music and fashions (I wonder why plaid trousers have ever made a comeback? Or maybe they have and I didn't notice?).

The action is sometimes brutal, sometimes goofy, but always good sleazy fun. The best stuff is during the black-white war at the start and Ahmed's assault on Kojah's compound at the end. The gratuitous shots of naked breasts at regular intervals certainly don't hurt either.

Fans of low budget exploitation will have a ball watching The Black Gestapo. I mean, how often do you get to see black guys dressed like Nazi soldiers raising their fists while audio of mass "Sieg heil" chants plays? Not often, I can tell you that.

31 Nights of Terror #12 - The Brood (1979)

The Brood (1979)
Director: David Cronenberg
Starring: Oliver Reed, Samantha Eggar, Art Hindle
Format: DVD (Universal)

- David Cronenberg. I have to admit there are some gaping holes in my viewing history of this director. I've seen The Fly, Rabid, Videodrome, Scanners, The Dead Zone, Naked Lunch and Eastern Promises and enjoyed them all to varying levels. I have yet to see Shivers, Dead Ringers, Existenz or this one.
- Powerful opening scene. Oliver Reed was, by all accounts, an alcoholic asshole but he was a great actor.
- Great score by Howard Shore, who went on to win an Oscar for his score of Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring.
- Lots of slow build in the first hour, with intermittent moments of quite effective horror.
- Art Hindle reminds me a lot of Dominic West, star of one of my favourite TV shows, The Wire.
- Seeing your teacher get bashed to death in the classroom. Hey kids, you'd better get used to going to therapy.
- Cronenberg sure does love using gooey body fluid effects.
- I can't decide whether Samantha Eggar's acting in this movie is great or over the top. Either way it's memorable.
- Great twist ending. I didn't see that coming.

Overall thoughts: The Brood is psychological horror at its best. Cronenberg takes a simple-but-effective premise and runs with it, using his own unique style to make it work. The first two thirds of the movie build up the characters and storyline, giving hints of the horror ahead, before a simply stunning finale. The "creatures" are simple in design but extremely creepy and the acting performances are quite good. I definitely recommend this one for anyone who hasn't seen it.

31 Nights of Terror #9 - I Drink Your Blood (1970)

I Drink Your Blood (1970)
Director: David Durston
Starring: Bhaskar, Jadin Wong, Rhonda Fultz, George Patterson
Format: DVD (Madman)

- Naked hippies in the first scene. Good start. Satan-worshipping naked hippies, even better!
- Groovy 60s soundtrack with bongos. Like far out man.
- "Roger, I'm terribly upset". Great dialogue.
- Hey that's the girl from The Crazies (Lynn Lowry). I knew when I watched The Crazies the other night I'd seen her before. I must have remembered her from this (though admittedly I only watched about the first third of this, some 6-7 years ago).
- My DVD runs 83 minutes. The uncut version is 90 minutes. Damn.
- The kid in this movie sure is a resourceful little bastard.
- Horace Bones the Indian (as in Native American) hippy leader is played by an Indian actor (as in from the country India). Okay.
- I come from a country where we don't have rabies, so I'm not expert on the disease, but I'm pretty sure it takes more than a few hours for it to affect a human.
- I knew I'd heard one of the musical sound effects from this movie before. It's from the intro to the Rob Zombie song
- Rabid construction workers! If they would join up with the rabid Indian hippie and somehow find a cop and a navy guy, we'd have the coolest Village People cover group ever.
- Some of the music is creepy but some of it sounds like Batman should be dancing the Batoozie to it.
- This does have some good gore, especially for the time. I'm wondering if this print really is cut?

Overall thoughts: I can honestly say this is the best rabid satanist hippy horror movie I have ever seen. It's also the only one I've ever seen. All kidding aside, as low budget zombie movies go (I know they're not really zombies, but it still feels like a zombie movie) this one's pretty good. Some of the acting's really, really bad, but that aside it has a charm to it that only low budget late 60s/early 70s movies can have. The heavy-handed anti-beatnik moralising is quite laughable, but looking past that there's a good ol' gorey time to be had watching I Drink Your Blood.

31 Nights of Terror #7 - The Crazies (1973)

The Crazies (1973)
Director: George Romero
Starring: Lane Carroll, WG McMillan, Harold Wayne Jones
Format: DVD (Umbrella)

- I haven't seen this one in a long time. I don't remember being very impressed by it, but then I think it was the first Romero movie I'd seen after the Dead Trilogy, so it was always going to be a let down in comparison I guess.
- That's quite the monobrow on WG McMillan
- The army personnel in white bodysuits and black gas-masks foreshadow Lucas' stormtroopers, which would hit the screen four years later.
- Evans City, also the setting for Night of the Living Dead.
- Man, those are some sharp knitting needles.
- I've heard most of the audio (especially voice work) was added in post-production, and it shows. There's a nasty echo to some of the dialogue and effects.
- Richard France plays an army doctor. He would later play another doctor in Dawn of the Dead, the cynical one who stays on the air in the TV studio as the world goes to hell.
- Look at the crazy rednecks getting all Wile E. Coyote with their sticks of dynamite.
- It's hard to believe this was made just a few years after Night of the Living Dead. But that's probably because NOTLD seems to much older, being in black and white.
- Holy incest Batman!
- Lynn Lowry sure was one unique-looking girl. And hot.
- I haven't seen the remake of this, but I'd like to check it out. I'm not a fan of remakes, but the original could be done so much better.

Overall thoughts: While not a bad movie, there's just something about The Crazies that doesn't click with me. Part of it is the characters - I don't empathise with any of the leads, which always makes it hard to care about their plight. Another part of it is the "crazies" themselves. They're just, well, not that crazy. Despite its faults, a movie like 28 Days Later featured a good example of infected people going absolutely bananas. Not so much here.
Sure, The Crazies shares a major similarity with Romero's two most famous movies, Night of the Living Dead and Dawn of the Dead, in that it features a group of people trying to survive when everything is going the crap around them. But give me a horde of zombies anyday.

July 10 - Death Cheaters (1976)

The cover of my VHS copy of Death Cheaters

Death Cheaters (1976)
Director: Brian Trenchard-Smith
Format: VHS (Syme Home Video)

Director Brian Trenchard-Smith is a cult favorite when it comes to Australian movies. In the early 80s he helmed a couple of Ozploitation classics in 1980's Stunt Rock and 1982's remarkably offbeat Turkey Shoot (known in the US as Escape 2000 and in the UK as Blood Camp Thatcher), before turning to more family-friendly fare like 1983's BMX Bandits (starring a teenaged Nicole Kidman) and 1986's Frog Dreaming. By the 90s he had made his way to Hollywood, only to be stuck with dreck like Night of the Demons 2 and Leprechaun 4: In Space.

But before taking on any of the aforementioned films, Trenchard-Smith directed, wrote (and had a cameo in) this 1976 Australian actioner. Essentially it's a series of stunt set-pieces - car chases, abseling down inner-city buildings, furniture-destroying fistfights, guy getting run over, explosions, hang gliding etc - strung together by a flimsy plot.

Mustachioed Steve (John Hargreaves, LONG WEEKEND) and Rod (Grant Page, ROAD GAMES) are two Vietnam vet stuntman buddies who are hired by a spy named Culpepper (Noel Ferrier, TURKEY SHOOT) to go on a covert mission to the Philippines. They have to steal some secret papers or something of that nature.

Before that they undergo training (more excuse for stunt set pieces) and then catch a ride in a submarine. When they get to "The Philippines" (actually filmed in Australia) the action is restricted to some cliffs and a factory/mill, as they battle hordes of baddies, with plenty of nice, big explosions.

Everything is played tongue-in-cheek, with the two leads kidding around like they're in some kind of stuntman buddy movie. It works for the most part, just don't expect too much in the way of plot. The biggest problem is the lull in action that occurs midway through, but aside from that there's enough action to keep things interesting.

There are some unintentional laughs to be had - look out for the hilariously outdated gym equipment and the 70s fashions (Rod's array of pirate-like puffy shirts in particular).

But of course the high point is the stunts. Much of the credit for that falls to Grant Page, an experienced stuntman with 56 films under his belt. He was stunt co-ordinator for the first and third Mad Max movies.

Trenchard-Smith went on to create much better fare than this, but Death Cheaters is worth a watch to see this Ozploitation legend's early work.

June 16 - Paul Kyriazi double feature

Paul Kyriazi's directorial output amounted to five movies in a 14-year period and none of them are easy to find. Luckily I happen to own two of them on VHS. It's Double Feature time!

The cover of my VHS copy of Death Machines

Death Machines (1976)
Director: Paul Kyriazi
Format: VHS (K-Tel)

I always know I'm onto a low-budget gem when I check IMDB and find that most of the actors in a movie have only a couple more credits to their name. That's the case with Death Machines, the debut effort from director Paul Kyriazi.

The Death Machines (who, according to the back of my VHS "are the ultimate exterminators") are three superhuman hitmen who use martial arts, guns and more to do the bidding of their evil mistress, a giant-haired Oriental dragon lady (played by Mari Honjo - check out http://www.marihonjo.com/ to read the real-life story of her disappearance). She's in turn taking orders from a shady guy who never shows his face, but that has no bearing on the plot.

The Death Machines are the imaginatively-named White Death Machine (Ron Marchini, NINJA WARRIORS), Asian Death Machine (Michael Chong, TO LIVE AND DIE IN LA) and Black Death Machine (Joshua Johnson, THE WEAPONS OF DEATH).

These three cool dudes, who are impervious to bullets, start off by knocking off the hitmen of a rival ganglord. They hurl one hitman off a roof, blow up the next one with a bazooka(!) and then take out a guy in a phone booth with a bulldozer(!).

Then they massacre a whole dojo full of ineffectua karate students, but one of the students survives, albeit minus one of his hands. This one-handed dude (John Lowe) vows revenge, accompanied by a hot nurse from the hospital he ended up in (played by some mystery, uncredited girl).

The rival crime kingpin, Mr Gioretti (Chuck Katzakian), joins forces with the dragon lady, who orders her Death Machines to kill our hero and his new love. How can a one-handed karate student possibly defeat three undead ninjas?

The plot is nonsensical and full of holes, but never predictable or boring. As a straight action movie there's not much to recommend about Death Machines, but as a cheesefest full of unintentional laughs, it's a goldmine.

The music and fashions are so cringingly 70s, especially Katzakian's super-snazzy suits. The fight scenes are mostly slow-paced and uninspiring, but how can you complain when weapons like bazookas and a bulldozer are thrown into the mix?

Cheesy highlights include:
- A hilarious scene in a police station where White Death Machine takes on a bunch of cops, who end up accidentally shooting each other instead of him.
- The Death Machines take out bikers in a restaurant with a knee-slapping country song playing.
- The lack of chemistry between our hero and his love interest. Their sex scene consists of a silhouetted kiss, then her lying in bed with a look of disgust on her face.

My only gripe is the lack of gore, but at least there's some brief nudity to add to the sleaze factor.

Death Machines is highly recommended for fans of cheesy 70s martial arts action flicks. It's fun from start to finish.

Previews on my VHS: Junkman, Alone in the Dark, The Raiders of Atlantis (aka Atlantis Interceptors, which I reviewed last month).

The cover of my VHS copy of Omega Cop

Omega Cop (1990)
Director: Paul Kyriazi
Format: VHS (Triumph)

Death Machines was Paul Kyriazi's first feature. This is his last (he's still alive according to IMDB, so I guess he could make a return to directing, but after an absence of 21 years that's pretty unlikely).

Omega Cop reunites Kyriazi with two of his stars from Death Machines - Ron Marchini, who played the White Death Machine, and Chuck Katzakian, who played crime boss Mr Gioretti. Marchini is the star, which marks a big change of pace from his silent Death Machines role.

Omega Cop starts with narration by Adam West(!) about the greenhouse effect. Sorry, but I've seen far too much Family Guy to take West seriously. His narration is meant to be heartfelt and scene-setting, but I keep expecting him to say something like "I love this job more than I love taffy ... and I'm a man who enjoys his taffy."

This movie is set in a world which has, in the words of ol' Mayor West, "gone to pot". Solar flares kill anyone who doesn't get undercover in time and drive others crazy if they're burnt. Huh? I'm no scientist but that seems to lack logic. Bah, who needs logic in a b-movie action flick, right?

Anyway, Marchini is John Travis, a cop who loses his three partners during a shoot out at a place where kidnapped women are being auctioned off. He escapes and saves one of the slave women (Meg Thayer, SATURDAY THE 14TH STRIKES BACK), then saves another chick (Jennifer Jostyn, HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES), the daughter of a trader who gets murdered by another gang of scumbags.

With two sassy chicks now in tow, Travis tries unsuccessfully to get back into police headquarters, but his boss (West) is worried they might be infected. So it's off to find the crime boss, Wraith (Katzakian).

But wait, first he has to go get his hat(!) from a group of baddies and... surprise, surprise, rescue another girl. Travis sure is the chivalrous type! He's captured by Wraith's gang, who for some reason take him alive. He escapes and re-unites with his harem of rescued babes, but predictably the baddies snatch up two of the chicks while he's away getting supplies.

So it's up to our knight in tight pants (with the other girl in tow) to do what he does best - rescue the girlies - and take down Wraith. After kicking ass on a few dozen baddies first, naturally.

With a movie like this, it's all about the action and there's a good amount of it here. Like in Death Machines, the fight scenes are wooden and slow, but there's enough punching, kicking, shooting and falling from high places to keep things interesting. That is, when Travis isn't running - there's way too much screen-time taken up with him chasing down people.

The original music by Cecil Ramirez and Ralph Stover (whose only other credits are two more Kyriazi flicks, including the sequel to this, KARATE COP), is hilariously bad and derivative. There's a Beach Boys rip off riff that plays during driving scenes (and the end credits), Leone-esque western music that cues during any kind of stand-off or showdown, the odd bit of Japanese flute to remind us that this is a martial arts flick, and other assorted generic synth music.

The acting is pretty damn bad, but bad enough to add to the cheese value. The worst perpetrator is Katzakian, who grumbles and mumbles while trying to act menacing, and Thayer is easy on the eyes but as wooden as a tree. Marchini's no leading man or action star, but he does a passable job. The best of the actors is Jostyn - it's easy to see why she's had the most successful career out of this cast.

Rugged 50s/60s leading man Stuart Whitman (NIGHT OF THE LEPUS) has a cameo as a doctor who finds out sunscreen isn't a bad thing. Adam West is only onscreen for a short time at the start and end. I'd say that's a shame, but as I mentioned earlier, Family Guy has reduced him to a caricature, so no real loss. Plus, he gets to go out with a bang.

And sorry lads, but there's no nudity here. For a movie about women slaves, it sure could have done with some gratuitous nekkidness. Travis doesn't get anything more than a peck on the cheek from any of his three damsels in distress. How's that for gratitude!

So, to summarise: Bad acting, bad music and action that makes up for its low quality with quantity = a cheesy good time!

Previews on my VHS: Four Weddings and a Funeral, We're Talking Serious Money, Philadelphia, Morning Glory, Warlock, Gunmen, Time Runner, Laser Mission, Wolf, All Tied Up.