December catch up -White Buffalo, The Muthers, Eastern Condors

I've been a bit slack at posting reviews over the past month - blame Christmas and the summer holidays.

Here's a catch-up on a few movies I watched at the end of December...

The White Buffalo (1977)
Director: J Lee Thompson
Starring: Charles Bronson, Clint Walker, Jack Warden, Kim Novak
Format: DVD (MGM)

This Charles Bronson vehicle starts with a great opening dream sequence that introduces the titular White Buffalo in a way more befitting of a horror movie than a western. Another similar scene has the buffalo stampeding through an Indian village. Both use smoke, lighting, music and camera work to bring an effective atmosphere of dread and terror.

Sadly, the rest of the movie doesn't quite measure up, but as a standard western it's definitely worth watching.

Adapted for the screen by Richard Sale, from his own novel, White Buffalo tells the story of Wild Bill Hickock (Bronson) as he returns to the old West under an alias, in search of the White Buffalo that is haunting his dreams. It is directed by J Lee Thompson (helmer of classics THE GUNS OF NAVARONNE and CAPE FEAR and underrated 80s slasher HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME).

The first half of the movie is mostly concerned with reuniting Hickock with old acquaintances, some who are glad to see him, but most who aren't. He travels through frontier towns, saloons and open country putting lead in an assortment of low lives along the way.

The second half deals with the inevitable showdown with the buffalo, where he teams up with disgraced Indian warrior Crazy Horse (Will Sampson, THE OUTLAW JOSEY WALES), who is seeking revenge against the buffalo after it killed his child during the aforementioned village stampede.

The plot has a few gaping holes (Hickock goes from saying "the only good injun is a dead injun", or something to that effect, to becoming buddies with Crazy Horse in the blink of an eye), but the storyline's solid enough, if fairly predictable.

This movie's strongest point is its cast. An array of familiar faces appear briefly on screen - Slim Pickens (BLAZING SADDLES), Ed Lauter (THE LONGEST YARD), John Carradine (father of David, Keith and Robert), Stuart Whitman (THOSE MAGNICIFENT MEN IN THEIR FLYING MACHINES) and Douglas Fowley (MIGHTY JOE YOUNG) among them. There's even a brief cameo by the sensei of Cobra Kai Dojo, Martin Kove.

Leading the supporting cast are Clint Walker (CHEYENNE TV series) as the treacherous Whistling Jack Kileen and Jack Warden (THE CHAMP) as Hickock's friend and Indian-hater One-Eye Charlie Zane, the latter stealing any scene he's in.

Kim Novak (VERTIGO) also shows up as Poker Jenny, a widower and former flame of Wild Bill. Middle age had hit Novak by this stage but she was still plenty beautiful.

Bronson's effective enough in a role that suits him (more shooting than talking), although there are some awkwardly-acted interchanges with Sampson. All of the hand gesturing and slow talking gets a bit embarrassing, as does the scene where Hickock, Zane and Crazy Horse sit around a fire debating race relations.

By the time the climax arrives too much talking has killed the anticipation, but the conclusion is equal parts silly and schmaltzy anyway.

As for the White Buffalo itself - the "monster" uses basic practical effects rather than any kind of CGI (which even in 1977 - the same year as Star Wars was released - would have been possible), but in a way they add to the dream-like nature of the buffalo scenes.

The White Buffalo is worth watching just to see a movie about a killer buffalo (are there any others out there?), but be prepared for a strong first half and a weak second half.

The Muthers (1976)
Director: Cirio H Santiago
Starring: Jeannie Bell, Rosanne Katon, Trina Parks
Format: DVD (Umbrella)

This slice of Filipino exploitation is featured in full as a special feature on the DVD release of Machete Maidens Unleashed (2010), a documentary about the Filipino b-movie craze of the late 60s, 70s and 80s.

The kings of this sub-genre (Roger Corman, Jack Hill, Cirio Santiago etc) had done a string of "women in cages" flicks and had ventured into blaxploitation. What to do next? Why, combine the two of course!

So here we get a pair of hot, black, female pirates - Kelly (Jeannie Bell, star of Santiago's earlier TNT JACKSON) and Angie (Rosanne Katon, EBONY, IVORY AND JADE).

When Kelly's sister goes missing, the two butt-kicking mamas go undercover inside a prison camp to get try and ger back. They meet prisoner Marcie (Trina Parks, DARKTOWN STRUTTERS), who shows her the ins and outs of the prison and also come across the prison boss's favourite girl, Serena (Jayne Kennedy, DEATH FORCE). And what do you know? They all take a shower together.

After one escape attempt is thwarted they learn that Kelly's sister has been killed, but are determined to get free. Serena joins them, the four foxy chicks taking on the jungle and the bad guys as they seek freedom. Stopping to bath naked in a river first of course.

The escape and resulting battles feature lots of machinegun fire, as you'd expect, but are sadly skint of explosions, bar a few minor ones in the climax showdown.

While the acting is better than I was expecting (the butt-kicking chicks get the majority of screen time, but Filipino exploitation regulars Ken Metcalfe (THE WOMAN HUNT), looking like George Peppard in The A Team, and Rocco Montalban (THE HOT BOX) also feature), the action is nothing special.

Machete Maidens Unleashed tells us good Filipino exploitation should feature the three Bs - breasts, blood and beasts. It has a good amount of the first one, not much of the second one, and it's not the right sub-genre for the third one (although the prison camp boss could be considered a beast of a man I suppose).

While The Muthers ticks the boxes in terms of T&A (albeit without the lesbian action that usually comes with with WIP flicks), it comes up short in other areas. It could have done with more action set pieces and the torture of women (a standard of WIP) is fairly tame.

In other words, for an exploitation movie it's not overtly exploitive, when compared with others from the genre.

Finally a word on Machete Maidens Unleashed: It's a good documentary with lots of footage from Filipino exploitation movies, and input from a lot of the major players. It tells the story of the genre well and will be enjoyed by anyone who enjoys low budget action flicks.

The cover of my VHS copy of Eastern Condors

Eastern Condors (1987)
Director: Sammo Hung
Starring: Sammo Hung, Yuen Biao, Joyce Godenzi, Haing S Ngor
Format: VHS (Kerridge Odeon)

Rotund Hong Kong kung fu legend Sammo Hung (although he's looking quite trim here) directs and stars in this Hong Kong take on the familiar "criminals get a shot at freedom by going on a suicide mission" action flick.

It's soon after the US pulled out of Vietnam, and Uncle Sam is eager for a hidden munitions dump not getting into the hands of the VC. The Army collects together a group of Asian-looking criminals and sends them in behind enemy lines to destroy it. During their mission they gain allies in the form of Cambodian rebels (a group of hot, kung fu chicks), but they are captured by the VC and it becomes clear a traitor is in their group. Who is it?

I'm going to admit here that I was distracted while watching this movie, and ended up missing quite a lot of plot. Did it detract from my enjoyment of watching Eastern Condors? Not one bit!

Sammo Hung mixes kung fu and war action expertly, throwing in enough chop-socky fights, machine gun blasts and explosions to keep proceedings moving along at a good pace. Put it this way - there's no chance you'll be bored.

The cheesiness factor is quite low - only the comically-bad voice overs register on the cheese scale. The rest of the laughs are intentional, and although it gets a bit silly in places, the comedy doesn't detract from the action.

And what action there is! We're not just talking about run of the mill gunfights and explosions. The kung fu fighting is creative and at times breathtaking - I guess that's the beauty of having an actual martial artist behind the lens.

Fast-paced and fun from start to finish, action fans won't be disappointed by Eastern Condors.

December 7 - Blood Debts [1985]

The cover of my VHS copy of Blood Debts

Blood Debts (1985)
Director: Teddy Chase
Starring: Richard Harrison
Format: VHS (Force Video)

This weak Death Wish rip-off is a Philippines-Hong Kong co-production, filmed in The Philippines and starring a pair of American actors better known for working in Italy in the 60s and 70s.

Richard Harrison, who starred in Italian sword-and-sandal flicks in the 60s and moved on to a seemingly-unending series of ultra-cheap ninja flicks in the 80s, plays Mark Collins, a man pushed over the edge when he his daughter is raped and murdered.

He becomes a vigilante (what else?) and sets about hunting down muggers, rapists and other ne'erdowells. This brings him to the attention of a crimelord with a name that sends fear coursing through the veins of anyone who crosses his path... Bill. Bill is played by the other Italian movie regular, Mike Monty from the vastly-superior ATLANTIS INTERCEPTORS).

Look, there's really not much more to it than that. Woman gets attacked, screams for help, Mark Collins comes to the rescue in his styley red sweatsuit jacket and dispatches bad guy(s). Rinse and repeat. End with the prerequisite showdown with the mob boss.

The acting is bad (sadly in a bland way rather than a cheesy one), the action is unexciting and as I already mentioned the plot is predictable and unoriginal. Harrison mails it in big time - it's like he can't wait to get his paycheck and hit the Manilla titty bars.

About the only good, cheesy parts are the over-dubbing (which is distractingly echoey, but so campy in parts that it brings some laughs) and a couple of the kills (one involving a game of golf is mildly inventive). But it's not enough for me to recommend sitting through Blood Debts. Avoid.

November 30 - Forced Vengeance [1982]

The cover of my VHS copy of Forced Vengeance

Forced Vengeance (1982)
Director: James Fargo
Starring: Chuck Norris, Mary Louise Weller, Camilla Griggs
Format: VHS (MGM/UA)

I have a confession to make. Despite being a lifelong fan of action movies, good and bad, I've only seen one or maybe two Chuck Norris films. I've definitely seen The Octagon (which I own on DVD) and I think I watched Lone Wolf McQuade back in the mid-80s, but I can't be too sure about that one. I think the few glimpses that I saw of his TV series Walker: Texas Ranger probably scared me away from the guy.

But good ol' Chuck has become something of a pop culture icon in recent years (if you get a chance, check out Ian Spector's book "The Truth About Chuck Norris", it's hilarious). With a handful of Norris vehicles in my VHS collection asking to be watched, I sidestepped the more obvious choices (McQuade, Delta Force etc) and went for the one with the coolest cover - 1982's Forced Vengeance.

Now, as I've just admitted, I don't have much knowledge of other Chuck flicks to call on, but I imagine Forced Vengeance is pretty standard fare for his movies. Norris plays a good, moraled guy who is wronged by some shady types and kicks their asses. Ha, I guess I just described every action movie of the 80s, right?

Norris is Josh Randell, an American working as head of security at a small family-owned casino in Hong Kong. The casino owner (veteran actor David Opatoshu) is like a father to him. When the casino owner's real son gets into debt with another, shadier casino boss named Stan Raimondi (played with pompous delight by Michael Cavanaugh, ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN), father and son are killed.

You'd think that would be the moment when Randell would open up a can of whoop-ass, but no. Sure, he's bummed about it (it's hard to tell with Norris' acting range), but he's more worried about protecting his dead boss's daughter (the beautiful Camilla Griggs) and snooping for answers than kicking butt. Shame.

Things meander along with the odd bit of chop-socky, but it's only when Raimondi's men kill his 'Nam vet buddy (Bob Minor, who played a similar role opposite Arny in COMMANDO) and rape his girl (Mary Louise Weller, who I didn't even recognise as the same actress who played straight-laced sorority queen Mandy Pepperidge in ANIMAL HOUSE) that he finally brings forth the sweet, sweet vengeance. We know it's coming because... we get a montage! Even Rocky had a montage.

As an action flick, Forced Vengeance comes good on its title in the final act. Before that there's too much talking and not enough kicking. But what action there is is well shot by director James Fargo (who'd previously worked with Clint Eastwood on The Enforcer and Every Which Way But Loose) as Norris kicks, punches and shoots various Asian hoodlums with glee. The good news is there's lots of humour (some intended, most unintentional) and cheese to keep the b-grade action fan happy, and a small amount of nudity (although it's mostly of the non-fun, rapey kind).

I honestly don't think I've ever seen a movie with this many mustaches. Not just Chuck's famous lip-sweater either - three out of every four bad guys has a mustachio, and some of them are faker than a politician's smile! The fashions, the acting, the music (for the most part good, but then you get a synth knockoff of Super Freak in a night club) - it's all cheesy good fun.

The dialogue is hilariously bad a lot of the time (Chuck: "Never let your girl hold your piece"). About the only annoying thing is the Norris narration that opens and closes the film and pops up throughout. It's badly-read and corny, but not in a good way. The best intentional humour occurs when Chuck takes on a guy with nunchucks, who sees his gun and slowly backs out of shot, only to return with two buddies.

If the fashions, hair and abundance of lip-hair don't do enough to give away Forced Vengeance's place in time, soccer fans will have a chuckle as Josh and his adopted family sit down to watch a "championship cup game" pitting Brighton against Nottingham Forrest - two teams that haven't been top clubs for a long time.

Again, I can't judge if Forced Vengeance is one of Norris' better films, but all I know is it's entertaining. A little too slow-paced in parts, but the cheese factor and the action in the last third make up for that.

November 7 - Silver Dragon Ninja (1986)

The cover of my VHS copy of Silver Dragon Ninja

Silver Dragon Ninja (1986)
Director: Don Kong
Starring: Harry Caine, Sam Yosida, Jim Gross
Format: VHS (IPD)

After watching 31 horror movies in the month of October, I've had a real hankering for some cheesy action. Don't get me wrong, I love horror movies, but I'm all horrored out for a while and need a change of pace. What better way to do that than with a Hong Kong ninja flick?

Like a lot of these cheap ninja efforts, this one is actually two movies spliced into one. The ninja portion has Silver Dragon Ninja (an uncredited Paulo Tocha, BLOODSPORT, PREDATOR 2) trying to rid Hong Kong of the evil Black Ninjas. The other, longer portion is a crime yarn about two cops trying to bring down a gang of baddies, which is clearly influenced by Scarface and other gangster films. There's also a female cop who goes undercover inside the gang.

I could go into more detail about the plot but a) So much of it is nonsensical that it'd be futile to try to summarise it, and b) who the hell watches these movies for the plot anyway? It's all about the action baby, and Silver Dragon Ninja delivers with an abundance of ninja fights and gun battles.

The martial arts fights are badly-choreographed but fast-paced and never boring. They feature an array of cheesy effects - ninjas disappear or reappear in a puff of smoke and all kicks, punches and weapon attacks are accompanied by cartoonish sound effects.

Most of the police action is fairly conventional (lots of shootouts between baddies and cops, and baddies and baddies), but there is one scene where a kid is blown up by a bomb strapped to a remote control car(!), another involving a dirtbike and molotov cocktails, and one baddie dies after being stabbed between the legs with a large piece of glass. Ouch!

The dialogue and voice dubbing are hilariously bad. Some of the voices are so hokey they sound like they were provided by Monty Python Silly Voices Preservation Society. One Hong Kong cop even speaks with an Australian accent, which is funny but a bit distracting. The prize for worst acting goes to Silver Dragon Ninja's apprentice, who appears in only two short scenes. His delivery is monotone to the extreme - we're talking porn-level bad.

As an aside, I recognised one piece of the music as an instrumental portion of Tonight by Genesis (used with permission? Yeah right!).

Final verdict? Silver Dragon Ninja is lots of fun and a must watch for any fan of low budget, spliced-together flicks like Ninja USA, Born a Ninja and any of Godfrey Ho's countless ninja films (I have my suspicions director Don Kong is Ho under a pseudonym).

31 Nights of Terror #30 & #31 - Halloween double feature

Halloween (1978) and Halloween II (1981)
Director: John Carpenter (I), Rick Rosenthal (II)
Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Donald Pleasance
Format: DVD

Every Halloween night I watch one of my two favourite horror movies of all time - Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Halloween. This year it's the turn of John Carpenter's masterpiece, the one that launched the slasher genre (yes I know Black Christmas was first), and this year I own Halloween II on DVD for the first time, so I'm going to watch them back-to-back.
I won't be taking notes, as I want to just sit back and watch these two great movies one after the other.
But here are a few observations from the back-to-back viewing:
- Interesting that they changed a couple of the shots from the finale of the first movie for the recap at the start of Halloween II. The music is different as well. Not sure why they would do that.
- Michael's mask is also slightly different for the sequel.
- The other noticeable thing from having watched the first movie just moments before popping in part two is how they tried to make Jamie Lee Curtis' hair look the same (remember, part 2 takes place on the same night as part 1) but couldn't quite pull it off three years later.
- The jazzed-up Halloween theme song for the sequel isn't bad, but I don't know why they didn't just stick with the classic original track.
- Donald Pleasance's performance as Dr Loomis gets crazier with each Halloween movie.
- Watching the two movies back to back was great. Because they take place on the same night and flow into each other so well, it's like one, big long movie experience.
- I will never forgive Rick Rosenthal for the abomination that is Halloween Resurrection. No amount of alcohol can wipe the image of Busta Rhymes kung fu fighting Michael Myers from my memory.

31 Nights of Terror #29 - Sharktopus (2010)

Sharktopus (2010)
Director: Declan O'Brien
Starring: Eric Roberts, Kerem Bursin, Sara Lane, Hector Jimenez
Format: DVD (Anchor Bay)

- In case you've missed me saying this before, I'm a fan of Scifi (or Syfy as it is now) TV movies like this and I always expect three things - cheesy CGI, a nature-run-amok plotline and a washed up actor from the 80s.
- The bad CGI is on show early - lesss than two minutes into Sharktopus we have some of the worst computer graphics I have ever seen.
- Washed up actor: Come on down Eric Roberts!
- Roger Corman alert! The King plays a pervy beachgoer who sees a girl get chomped by the titular creature and doesn't give it a second thought.
- The dialog makes me want to stab out my own eardrums.
- I've often wondered what became of Hector Jimenez after his awesome role in Nacho Libre. Now I know. His career has nosedived into this dreck.
- That's one more reason why I will never go bungee-jumping.
- So apparently the bungee-jumper who bought it was Roger and Julie Corman's daughter Mary.
- Okay, so not only is it half-shark and half-octopus, but it makes a roaring noise that can be heard even when it's underwater.
- Worst acting I've seen in a good while: Guy on beach who sees his buddy getting eaten by Sharktopus and has an expression on his face that's one of mild disinterest.
- Please, make it stop. The dialogue, the acting. Somebody make it stop.
- Thank God for Stumble so I don't have to keep watching this crap.
- Lol. That was a funny website. Sharktopus? Oh, right. That's still playing in the background and still sucking donkey scrote.
- It's over! Yay, it's over!

Overall thoughts: Yep, they messed up a movie about a freaking half-shark, half-octopus creature. How did they do it? Well, the bad CGI I can forgive, since that's par for the course with these movies. But the acting was pitifully monotone, the characters uninteresting, the dialogue written by a socially-inept monkey, and the plot more predictable than a fight between a pit bull and a kitten. I thought Eric Roberts might be able to salvage it, but even he phoned it in. Sharktopus does not have one single redeeming quality. Avoid at all costs or run the risk of wanting to club yourself to death with the nearest heavy object.

31 Nights of Terror #28 - My Bloody Valentine (2009)

My Bloody Valentine (2009)
Director: Patrick Lussier
Stars: Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith
Format: DVD

- Disclosure: I've seen the original from the 80s, but it's not one of my favourites, so I'm not offended by a remake (unlike with Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm St and Halloween).
- Good gorey opening!
- Tom Atkins! One of my favourite character actors of all time, who featured in one of my favourite movies of all time, Night of the Creeps, where he spoke one of my favourite lines of all time (Atkins: "I got good news and bad news, girls. The good news is your dates are here." Sorority girl: "What's the bad news?". Atkins: "They're dead".)
- Kerr Smith. Blech. One actor I cannot stand.
- Jenson Ackles. My wife is in love with this guy. We're both big Supernatural fans, so it's gonna be fun to see how he does in a feature movie.
- Well, they didn't mess around getting to the "masked killer starts chopping up people" stuff.
- I now remember that this was released as 3D in the cinemas. It has lots of "stuff flying towards the camera" bullshit.
- Gratuitous full frontal female nudity alert!
- The trucker who bites the dust after the fight with the nude chick is Todd Farmer, the screenwriter for this film. He also wrote Jason X (uh oh).
- Remember when Jaime King went by the name James King? That was weird. Especially for heterosexual guys who said "that James King is one hot piece of ass".
- Killer reveal was fairly predictable, but you'll still be guessing most of the way.
- Ending sets up for a sequel. Is one in the works?

Overall thoughts: Yes, this is one of those annoying remakes. If you're a fan of the original, watching this will probably piss you off. If you're not and you've got an open mind (or are young enough to not have an attachment to 70s-80s slashers) you can do worse than giving this one a watch. Jensen Ackles carries the acting load - fans of Supernatural will be in their element because his performance here is essentially Dean Winchester with less wisecracking. Think of it as Dean on a solo adventure battling a killer in a gas mask.