The Barbaric Bs of Schlocky Creek

December catch up -White Buffalo, The Muthers, Eastern Condors

2012-01-15T20:04:00.007+13:00

I've been a bit slack at posting reviews over the past month - blame Christmas and the summer holidays.

Here's a catch-up on a few movies I watched at the end of December...

The White Buffalo (1977)
Director: J Lee Thompson
Starring: Charles Bronson, Clint Walker, Jack Warden, Kim Novak
Format: DVD (MGM)

This Charles Bronson vehicle starts with a great opening dream sequence that introduces the titular White Buffalo in a way more befitting of a horror movie than a western. Another similar scene has the buffalo stampeding through an Indian village. Both use smoke, lighting, music and camera work to bring an effective atmosphere of dread and terror.

Sadly, the rest of the movie doesn't quite measure up, but as a standard western it's definitely worth watching.

Adapted for the screen by Richard Sale, from his own novel, White Buffalo tells the story of Wild Bill Hickock (Bronson) as he returns to the old West under an alias, in search of the White Buffalo that is haunting his dreams. It is directed by J Lee Thompson (helmer of classics THE GUNS OF NAVARONNE and CAPE FEAR and underrated 80s slasher HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME).

The first half of the movie is mostly concerned with reuniting Hickock with old acquaintances, some who are glad to see him, but most who aren't. He travels through frontier towns, saloons and open country putting lead in an assortment of low lives along the way.

The second half deals with the inevitable showdown with the buffalo, where he teams up with disgraced Indian warrior Crazy Horse (Will Sampson, THE OUTLAW JOSEY WALES), who is seeking revenge against the buffalo after it killed his child during the aforementioned village stampede.

The plot has a few gaping holes (Hickock goes from saying "the only good injun is a dead injun", or something to that effect, to becoming buddies with Crazy Horse in the blink of an eye), but the storyline's solid enough, if fairly predictable.

This movie's strongest point is its cast. An array of familiar faces appear briefly on screen - Slim Pickens (BLAZING SADDLES), Ed Lauter (THE LONGEST YARD), John Carradine (father of David, Keith and Robert), Stuart Whitman (THOSE MAGNICIFENT MEN IN THEIR FLYING MACHINES) and Douglas Fowley (MIGHTY JOE YOUNG) among them. There's even a brief cameo by the sensei of Cobra Kai Dojo, Martin Kove.

Leading the supporting cast are Clint Walker (CHEYENNE TV series) as the treacherous Whistling Jack Kileen and Jack Warden (THE CHAMP) as Hickock's friend and Indian-hater One-Eye Charlie Zane, the latter stealing any scene he's in.

Kim Novak (VERTIGO) also shows up as Poker Jenny, a widower and former flame of Wild Bill. Middle age had hit Novak by this stage but she was still plenty beautiful.

Bronson's effective enough in a role that suits him (more shooting than talking), although there are some awkwardly-acted interchanges with Sampson. All of the hand gesturing and slow talking gets a bit embarrassing, as does the scene where Hickock, Zane and Crazy Horse sit around a fire debating race relations.

By the time the climax arrives too much talking has killed the anticipation, but the conclusion is equal parts silly and schmaltzy anyway.

As for the White Buffalo itself - the "monster" uses basic practical effects rather than any kind of CGI (which even in 1977 - the same year as Star Wars was released - would have been possible), but in a way they add to the dream-like nature of the buffalo scenes.

The White Buffalo is worth watching just to see a movie about a killer buffalo (are there any others out there?), but be prepared for a strong first half and a weak second half.

The Muthers (1976)
Director: Cirio H Santiago
Starring: Jeannie Bell, Rosanne Katon, Trina Parks
Format: DVD (Umbrella)

This slice of Filipino exploitation is featured in full as a special feature on the DVD release of Machete Maidens Unleashed (2010), a documentary about the Filipino b-movie craze of the late 60s, 70s and 80s.

The kings of this sub-genre (Roger Corman, Jack Hill, Cirio Santiago etc) had done a string of "women in cages" flicks and had ventured into blaxploitation. What to do next? Why, combine the two of course!

So here we get a pair of hot, black, female pirates - Kelly (Jeannie Bell, star of Santiago's earlier TNT JACKSON) and Angie (Rosanne Katon, EBONY, IVORY AND JADE).

When Kelly's sister goes missing, the two butt-kicking mamas go undercover inside a prison camp to get try and ger back. They meet prisoner Marcie (Trina Parks, DARKTOWN STRUTTERS), who shows her the ins and outs of the prison and also come across the prison boss's favourite girl, Serena (Jayne Kennedy, DEATH FORCE). And what do you know? They all take a shower together.

After one escape attempt is thwarted they learn that Kelly's sister has been killed, but are determined to get free. Serena joins them, the four foxy chicks taking on the jungle and the bad guys as they seek freedom. Stopping to bath naked in a river first of course.

The escape and resulting battles feature lots of machinegun fire, as you'd expect, but are sadly skint of explosions, bar a few minor ones in the climax showdown.

While the acting is better than I was expecting (the butt-kicking chicks get the majority of screen time, but Filipino exploitation regulars Ken Metcalfe (THE WOMAN HUNT), looking like George Peppard in The A Team, and Rocco Montalban (THE HOT BOX) also feature), the action is nothing special.

Machete Maidens Unleashed tells us good Filipino exploitation should feature the three Bs - breasts, blood and beasts. It has a good amount of the first one, not much of the second one, and it's not the right sub-genre for the third one (although the prison camp boss could be considered a beast of a man I suppose).

While The Muthers ticks the boxes in terms of T&A (albeit without the lesbian action that usually comes with with WIP flicks), it comes up short in other areas. It could have done with more action set pieces and the torture of women (a standard of WIP) is fairly tame.

In other words, for an exploitation movie it's not overtly exploitive, when compared with others from the genre.

Finally a word on Machete Maidens Unleashed: It's a good documentary with lots of footage from Filipino exploitation movies, and input from a lot of the major players. It tells the story of the genre well and will be enjoyed by anyone who enjoys low budget action flicks.

The cover of my VHS copy of Eastern Condors

Eastern Condors (1987)
Director: Sammo Hung
Starring: Sammo Hung, Yuen Biao, Joyce Godenzi, Haing S Ngor
Format: VHS (Kerridge Odeon)

Rotund Hong Kong kung fu legend Sammo Hung (although he's looking quite trim here) directs and stars in this Hong Kong take on the familiar "criminals get a shot at freedom by going on a suicide mission" action flick.

It's soon after the US pulled out of Vietnam, and Uncle Sam is eager for a hidden munitions dump not getting into the hands of the VC. The Army collects together a group of Asian-looking criminals and sends them in behind enemy lines to destroy it. During their mission they gain allies in the form of Cambodian rebels (a group of hot, kung fu chicks), but they are captured by the VC and it becomes clear a traitor is in their group. Who is it?

I'm going to admit here that I was distracted while watching this movie, and ended up missing quite a lot of plot. Did it detract from my enjoyment of watching Eastern Condors? Not one bit!

Sammo Hung mixes kung fu and war action expertly, throwing in enough chop-socky fights, machine gun blasts and explosions to keep proceedings moving along at a good pace. Put it this way - there's no chance you'll be bored.

The cheesiness factor is quite low - only the comically-bad voice overs register on the cheese scale. The rest of the laughs are intentional, and although it gets a bit silly in places, the comedy doesn't detract from the action.

And what action there is! We're not just talking about run of the mill gunfights and explosions. The kung fu fighting is creative and at times breathtaking - I guess that's the beauty of having an actual martial artist behind the lens.

Fast-paced and fun from start to finish, action fans won't be disappointed by Eastern Condors.

December 7 - Blood Debts [1985]

2011-12-11T21:42:00.004+13:00

The cover of my VHS copy of Blood Debts

Blood Debts (1985)
Director: Teddy Chase
Starring: Richard Harrison
Format: VHS (Force Video)

This weak Death Wish rip-off is a Philippines-Hong Kong co-production, filmed in The Philippines and starring a pair of American actors better known for working in Italy in the 60s and 70s.

Richard Harrison, who starred in Italian sword-and-sandal flicks in the 60s and moved on to a seemingly-unending series of ultra-cheap ninja flicks in the 80s, plays Mark Collins, a man pushed over the edge when he his daughter is raped and murdered.

He becomes a vigilante (what else?) and sets about hunting down muggers, rapists and other ne'erdowells. This brings him to the attention of a crimelord with a name that sends fear coursing through the veins of anyone who crosses his path... Bill. Bill is played by the other Italian movie regular, Mike Monty from the vastly-superior ATLANTIS INTERCEPTORS).

Look, there's really not much more to it than that. Woman gets attacked, screams for help, Mark Collins comes to the rescue in his styley red sweatsuit jacket and dispatches bad guy(s). Rinse and repeat. End with the prerequisite showdown with the mob boss.

The acting is bad (sadly in a bland way rather than a cheesy one), the action is unexciting and as I already mentioned the plot is predictable and unoriginal. Harrison mails it in big time - it's like he can't wait to get his paycheck and hit the Manilla titty bars.

About the only good, cheesy parts are the over-dubbing (which is distractingly echoey, but so campy in parts that it brings some laughs) and a couple of the kills (one involving a game of golf is mildly inventive). But it's not enough for me to recommend sitting through Blood Debts. Avoid.

November 30 - Forced Vengeance [1982]

2011-12-11T21:35:00.003+13:00

The cover of my VHS copy of Forced Vengeance

Forced Vengeance (1982)
Director: James Fargo
Starring: Chuck Norris, Mary Louise Weller, Camilla Griggs
Format: VHS (MGM/UA)

I have a confession to make. Despite being a lifelong fan of action movies, good and bad, I've only seen one or maybe two Chuck Norris films. I've definitely seen The Octagon (which I own on DVD) and I think I watched Lone Wolf McQuade back in the mid-80s, but I can't be too sure about that one. I think the few glimpses that I saw of his TV series Walker: Texas Ranger probably scared me away from the guy.

But good ol' Chuck has become something of a pop culture icon in recent years (if you get a chance, check out Ian Spector's book "The Truth About Chuck Norris", it's hilarious). With a handful of Norris vehicles in my VHS collection asking to be watched, I sidestepped the more obvious choices (McQuade, Delta Force etc) and went for the one with the coolest cover - 1982's Forced Vengeance.

Now, as I've just admitted, I don't have much knowledge of other Chuck flicks to call on, but I imagine Forced Vengeance is pretty standard fare for his movies. Norris plays a good, moraled guy who is wronged by some shady types and kicks their asses. Ha, I guess I just described every action movie of the 80s, right?

Norris is Josh Randell, an American working as head of security at a small family-owned casino in Hong Kong. The casino owner (veteran actor David Opatoshu) is like a father to him. When the casino owner's real son gets into debt with another, shadier casino boss named Stan Raimondi (played with pompous delight by Michael Cavanaugh, ANY WHICH WAY YOU CAN), father and son are killed.

You'd think that would be the moment when Randell would open up a can of whoop-ass, but no. Sure, he's bummed about it (it's hard to tell with Norris' acting range), but he's more worried about protecting his dead boss's daughter (the beautiful Camilla Griggs) and snooping for answers than kicking butt. Shame.

Things meander along with the odd bit of chop-socky, but it's only when Raimondi's men kill his 'Nam vet buddy (Bob Minor, who played a similar role opposite Arny in COMMANDO) and rape his girl (Mary Louise Weller, who I didn't even recognise as the same actress who played straight-laced sorority queen Mandy Pepperidge in ANIMAL HOUSE) that he finally brings forth the sweet, sweet vengeance. We know it's coming because... we get a montage! Even Rocky had a montage.

As an action flick, Forced Vengeance comes good on its title in the final act. Before that there's too much talking and not enough kicking. But what action there is is well shot by director James Fargo (who'd previously worked with Clint Eastwood on The Enforcer and Every Which Way But Loose) as Norris kicks, punches and shoots various Asian hoodlums with glee. The good news is there's lots of humour (some intended, most unintentional) and cheese to keep the b-grade action fan happy, and a small amount of nudity (although it's mostly of the non-fun, rapey kind).

I honestly don't think I've ever seen a movie with this many mustaches. Not just Chuck's famous lip-sweater either - three out of every four bad guys has a mustachio, and some of them are faker than a politician's smile! The fashions, the acting, the music (for the most part good, but then you get a synth knockoff of Super Freak in a night club) - it's all cheesy good fun.

The dialogue is hilariously bad a lot of the time (Chuck: "Never let your girl hold your piece"). About the only annoying thing is the Norris narration that opens and closes the film and pops up throughout. It's badly-read and corny, but not in a good way. The best intentional humour occurs when Chuck takes on a guy with nunchucks, who sees his gun and slowly backs out of shot, only to return with two buddies.

If the fashions, hair and abundance of lip-hair don't do enough to give away Forced Vengeance's place in time, soccer fans will have a chuckle as Josh and his adopted family sit down to watch a "championship cup game" pitting Brighton against Nottingham Forrest - two teams that haven't been top clubs for a long time.

Again, I can't judge if Forced Vengeance is one of Norris' better films, but all I know is it's entertaining. A little too slow-paced in parts, but the cheese factor and the action in the last third make up for that.

November 7 - Silver Dragon Ninja (1986)

2011-11-07T22:26:00.004+13:00

The cover of my VHS copy of Silver Dragon Ninja

Silver Dragon Ninja (1986)
Director: Don Kong
Starring: Harry Caine, Sam Yosida, Jim Gross
Format: VHS (IPD)

After watching 31 horror movies in the month of October, I've had a real hankering for some cheesy action. Don't get me wrong, I love horror movies, but I'm all horrored out for a while and need a change of pace. What better way to do that than with a Hong Kong ninja flick?

Like a lot of these cheap ninja efforts, this one is actually two movies spliced into one. The ninja portion has Silver Dragon Ninja (an uncredited Paulo Tocha, BLOODSPORT, PREDATOR 2) trying to rid Hong Kong of the evil Black Ninjas. The other, longer portion is a crime yarn about two cops trying to bring down a gang of baddies, which is clearly influenced by Scarface and other gangster films. There's also a female cop who goes undercover inside the gang.

I could go into more detail about the plot but a) So much of it is nonsensical that it'd be futile to try to summarise it, and b) who the hell watches these movies for the plot anyway? It's all about the action baby, and Silver Dragon Ninja delivers with an abundance of ninja fights and gun battles.

The martial arts fights are badly-choreographed but fast-paced and never boring. They feature an array of cheesy effects - ninjas disappear or reappear in a puff of smoke and all kicks, punches and weapon attacks are accompanied by cartoonish sound effects.

Most of the police action is fairly conventional (lots of shootouts between baddies and cops, and baddies and baddies), but there is one scene where a kid is blown up by a bomb strapped to a remote control car(!), another involving a dirtbike and molotov cocktails, and one baddie dies after being stabbed between the legs with a large piece of glass. Ouch!

The dialogue and voice dubbing are hilariously bad. Some of the voices are so hokey they sound like they were provided by Monty Python Silly Voices Preservation Society. One Hong Kong cop even speaks with an Australian accent, which is funny but a bit distracting. The prize for worst acting goes to Silver Dragon Ninja's apprentice, who appears in only two short scenes. His delivery is monotone to the extreme - we're talking porn-level bad.

As an aside, I recognised one piece of the music as an instrumental portion of Tonight by Genesis (used with permission? Yeah right!).

Final verdict? Silver Dragon Ninja is lots of fun and a must watch for any fan of low budget, spliced-together flicks like Ninja USA, Born a Ninja and any of Godfrey Ho's countless ninja films (I have my suspicions director Don Kong is Ho under a pseudonym).

31 Nights of Terror #30 & #31 - Halloween double feature

2011-11-01T13:03:00.003+13:00

Halloween (1978) and Halloween II (1981)
Director: John Carpenter (I), Rick Rosenthal (II)
Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Donald Pleasance
Format: DVD

Every Halloween night I watch one of my two favourite horror movies of all time - Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Halloween. This year it's the turn of John Carpenter's masterpiece, the one that launched the slasher genre (yes I know Black Christmas was first), and this year I own Halloween II on DVD for the first time, so I'm going to watch them back-to-back.
I won't be taking notes, as I want to just sit back and watch these two great movies one after the other.
But here are a few observations from the back-to-back viewing:
- Interesting that they changed a couple of the shots from the finale of the first movie for the recap at the start of Halloween II. The music is different as well. Not sure why they would do that.
- Michael's mask is also slightly different for the sequel.
- The other noticeable thing from having watched the first movie just moments before popping in part two is how they tried to make Jamie Lee Curtis' hair look the same (remember, part 2 takes place on the same night as part 1) but couldn't quite pull it off three years later.
- The jazzed-up Halloween theme song for the sequel isn't bad, but I don't know why they didn't just stick with the classic original track.
- Donald Pleasance's performance as Dr Loomis gets crazier with each Halloween movie.
- Watching the two movies back to back was great. Because they take place on the same night and flow into each other so well, it's like one, big long movie experience.
- I will never forgive Rick Rosenthal for the abomination that is Halloween Resurrection. No amount of alcohol can wipe the image of Busta Rhymes kung fu fighting Michael Myers from my memory.

31 Nights of Terror #29 - Sharktopus (2010)

2011-11-01T12:38:00.002+13:00

Sharktopus (2010)
Director: Declan O'Brien
Starring: Eric Roberts, Kerem Bursin, Sara Lane, Hector Jimenez
Format: DVD (Anchor Bay)

- In case you've missed me saying this before, I'm a fan of Scifi (or Syfy as it is now) TV movies like this and I always expect three things - cheesy CGI, a nature-run-amok plotline and a washed up actor from the 80s.
- The bad CGI is on show early - lesss than two minutes into Sharktopus we have some of the worst computer graphics I have ever seen.
- Washed up actor: Come on down Eric Roberts!
- Roger Corman alert! The King plays a pervy beachgoer who sees a girl get chomped by the titular creature and doesn't give it a second thought.
- The dialog makes me want to stab out my own eardrums.
- I've often wondered what became of Hector Jimenez after his awesome role in Nacho Libre. Now I know. His career has nosedived into this dreck.
- That's one more reason why I will never go bungee-jumping.
- So apparently the bungee-jumper who bought it was Roger and Julie Corman's daughter Mary.
- Okay, so not only is it half-shark and half-octopus, but it makes a roaring noise that can be heard even when it's underwater.
- Worst acting I've seen in a good while: Guy on beach who sees his buddy getting eaten by Sharktopus and has an expression on his face that's one of mild disinterest.
- Please, make it stop. The dialogue, the acting. Somebody make it stop.
- Thank God for Stumble so I don't have to keep watching this crap.
- Lol. That was a funny website. Sharktopus? Oh, right. That's still playing in the background and still sucking donkey scrote.
- It's over! Yay, it's over!

Overall thoughts: Yep, they messed up a movie about a freaking half-shark, half-octopus creature. How did they do it? Well, the bad CGI I can forgive, since that's par for the course with these movies. But the acting was pitifully monotone, the characters uninteresting, the dialogue written by a socially-inept monkey, and the plot more predictable than a fight between a pit bull and a kitten. I thought Eric Roberts might be able to salvage it, but even he phoned it in. Sharktopus does not have one single redeeming quality. Avoid at all costs or run the risk of wanting to club yourself to death with the nearest heavy object.

31 Nights of Terror #28 - My Bloody Valentine (2009)

2011-11-01T12:33:00.002+13:00

My Bloody Valentine (2009)
Director: Patrick Lussier
Stars: Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith
Format: DVD

- Disclosure: I've seen the original from the 80s, but it's not one of my favourites, so I'm not offended by a remake (unlike with Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm St and Halloween).
- Good gorey opening!
- Tom Atkins! One of my favourite character actors of all time, who featured in one of my favourite movies of all time, Night of the Creeps, where he spoke one of my favourite lines of all time (Atkins: "I got good news and bad news, girls. The good news is your dates are here." Sorority girl: "What's the bad news?". Atkins: "They're dead".)
- Kerr Smith. Blech. One actor I cannot stand.
- Jenson Ackles. My wife is in love with this guy. We're both big Supernatural fans, so it's gonna be fun to see how he does in a feature movie.
- Well, they didn't mess around getting to the "masked killer starts chopping up people" stuff.
- I now remember that this was released as 3D in the cinemas. It has lots of "stuff flying towards the camera" bullshit.
- Gratuitous full frontal female nudity alert!
- The trucker who bites the dust after the fight with the nude chick is Todd Farmer, the screenwriter for this film. He also wrote Jason X (uh oh).
- Remember when Jaime King went by the name James King? That was weird. Especially for heterosexual guys who said "that James King is one hot piece of ass".
- Killer reveal was fairly predictable, but you'll still be guessing most of the way.
- Ending sets up for a sequel. Is one in the works?

Overall thoughts: Yes, this is one of those annoying remakes. If you're a fan of the original, watching this will probably piss you off. If you're not and you've got an open mind (or are young enough to not have an attachment to 70s-80s slashers) you can do worse than giving this one a watch. Jensen Ackles carries the acting load - fans of Supernatural will be in their element because his performance here is essentially Dean Winchester with less wisecracking. Think of it as Dean on a solo adventure battling a killer in a gas mask.

31 Nights of Terror #27 - Wound (2010)

2011-11-01T12:20:00.002+13:00

Wound (2010)
Director: David Blyth
Starring: Kate O'Rourke, Te Kaea Beri, Campbell Cooley
Format: DVD

Overall thoughts: Okay, so I'm getting a bit slack at taking notes. But I don't think my notes from watching this controversial New Zealand film would do anyone any good anyway. Let me summarise by just saying this is one messed up movie. It's almost David Lynch-esque in its weird vibe and surreality (Mulholland Drive springs to mind), if Lynch decided to jump on the torture porn bandwagon and throw in some nasty gore (be warned, this movie has the most realistic castration I have ever seen). Rape, incest, castration, strange things done with bodywaste, sadomasochism - there is plenty here that's meant to shock. But if you get past all of that there's actually quite a meloncholy, touching little story behind it all. Not for everyone.

31 Nights of Terror #26 - Paranormal Activity 3 (2011)

2011-11-01T12:12:00.003+13:00

Paranormal Activity 3 (2011)
Director: Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman
Starring: Chloe Csengery, Jessica Tyler Brown, Christopher Nicholas Smith
Format: AVI

- Okay, there's no way I was going to take my eyes off the screen long enough to take notes during this movie. The whole fun of these movies is watching and waiting for something to happen.

Overall thoughts: As I've said plenty of times before, I'm a big fan of found footage movies. Blair Witch Project, the Paranormal Activity series, Cloverfield, REC, Troll Hunter - I love 'em all. But let's face it, you either love this sub-genre or you hate it. Paranormal Activity 3 isn't going to change that, but it does have more "scares" so is probably the most accessible found footage film of the lot. On the flip side, I found the reliance on jump-scares took away from the tension that made the first two movies work so well. That and I'm probably becoming a bit jaded to the Paranormal Activity formula, which was bound to happen by the third film. It's still a good watch, just not as good as the previous entries.

31 Nights of Terror #25 - Trick 'R Treat (2007)

2011-11-01T11:58:00.004+13:00

Trick R Treat (2007)
Director: Michael Dougherty
Starring: Anna Paquin, Brian Cox, Dylan Baker, Leslie Bibb
Format: DVD

- I've seen this once before and loved it and have decided to make it a Halloween tradition to watch it again every year.
- Opening scene: Seriously, who has that many bedsheets?
- I dig the comicbook opening, it reminds me of those great anthologies of yesteryear, like Creepshow and Tales from the Crypt.
- Why hasn't Michael Dougherty had another gig since this? It's been four years.
- Anna Paquin. New Zealand represent!
- The family that slays together stays together
- Okay, so I stopped taking notes early in this movie and just enjoyed watching it. To write too much about it would probably ruin some of the plot twists anyway.

Overall thoughts: Trick R Treat is one of my favourite horror films of the 2000s. Of course it was meant to have a theatrical release but was delayed two years and finally released straight to DVD, which to me sums up the sad state of our film studios today. Trick R Treat is scary, atmospheric, funny, gorey. It has a dark, dark streak of black humour running through it, but the comedy doesn't detract from the horror. Ranks right up there was one of the best horror anthology films of all time, albeit with a non-chronological structure rather than a story-by-story one. Make this movie part of your annual Halloween viewing. I am.

31 Nights of Terror #24 - Tenebre (1982)

2011-10-30T10:39:00.002+13:00

Tenebre (1982)
Director: Dario Argento
Starring: Anthony Franciosa, Christian Borromeo, Daria Nicolodi, John Saxon
Format: DVD (Anchor Bay)

- I haven't seen this movie in quite a few years. In the late 90s I went through a period of discovery of giallo and I tried to get my hands on as much Argento/Bava/Fulci etc as I could.
- I remember really liking this one, but have only watched it twice, so a third viewing all these years later will be interesting.
- How much does Dario Argento owe Claudio Simonetti/Goblin for his success? His music is so key to Argento's movies, I can't imagine the movies working without it.
- Ania Pieroni (The House By the Cemetery, Inferno) is soooo hot. Yowza.
- You gotta watch out for those rapey tramps.
- Ah, the good old black gloves.
- Argento regular Daria Nicolodi is one of those actors who just don't seem natural in front of the camera.
- The scene on the beach has gotta be like porn for foot fetishists.
- Have to love the camerawork exploring both levels of the lesbians' house.
- Ah the 70s/early 80s, a time when a young girl would jump on the back of a motorbike without a helmet. And the boy rider would pull a wheelie to show off.
- Talk about random attacks. First the rapey tramp, now the bitey doberman.
- The surreal sight of John Saxon making out with the future first lady of Italy (Veronica Lario married Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi in 1990 and is in the process of divorcing him).
- Lots of nice, gorey blood during Lario's death scene.
- It's a shame I remembered who the killer was halfway through watching this again, but it's a good twist nonetheless.
- Love the Halloween-esque shot in the last scene (if you've seen the movie you know the one I mean).

Overall thoughts: Tenebre is just a great Dario Argento giallo. I'd rank it a close third behind Suspiria and Deep Red. It has all the elements that make Argento's work so great - nice camerawork and lighting, fantastic music by Goblin, a black-gloved killer, blood, nudity and a storyline that keeps you guessing until the killer is revealed. It's also fairly straight forward, so would make a good starting point for anyone new to giallo.

31 Nights of Terror #23 - Phantasm III (1994)

2011-10-30T10:33:00.003+13:00

Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead (1994)
Director: Don Coscarelli
Starring: Reggie Bannister, Michael Franklin, Bill Thornbury, Angus Scrimm
Format: VHS (Village Roadshow)

- Disclosure: I haven't seen Phantasm 2, and it's been at least 10 years since I last watched the original Phantasm.
- Nice recap of previous happenings to bring us up to speed. In a nutshell: The Tall Man won't die.
- Exploding midget head!
- Serious laugh out loud moment as Reggie shoots into a tree and several killer dwarves drop out dead.
- So apparently the character of Mike was played in part 2 by James LeGros (SOLAR WARRIORS). But Don Coscarelli had more control over this sequel so brought back Michael Franklin to play Mike, 15 years after the first movie.
- Deserted town. Cool.
- Haha, it's like an R-rated Home Alone.
- Gotta love the sphere kills. So different than anything else in horror movies.
- Rocky is one kickass chick.
- Reggie, trying to get into Rocky's pants: "You ever try vanilla?". Rocky: "Didn't I tell you, dairy products give me gas". Bah-dum-psh.
- I wonder if Coscarelli got a bulk-buy discount on laser-light machines, 'cause he sure likes using them.
- Well, that was an action-packed last half hour. Zombies, spheres, nunchucks... yep, it had it all.

Overall thoughts: "Seeing is easy, understanding takes a little more time." That is a line from Phantasm III and it pretty much sums up the movie. Don't try to apply any logic to this movie, because the stuff with the spheres, killer midgets and zombies doesn't make a lick of sense. But if you just watch it without trying to figure everything out, it's pretty damn fun. I'm sure there are Phantasm purists who don't appreciate the amount of humour, which does detract from the suspense and atmosphere that I remember the first movie had. But non-purists should enjoy it - Coscarelli throws martial arts fights, zombies and a "good" sphere into the mix with the usual Tall Man, sphere and killer dwarf action and it's never boring.

31 Nights of Terror #22 - Otis (2008)

2011-10-30T10:28:00.002+13:00

Otis (2008)
Director: Tony Krantz
Starring: Bostin Christopher, Ashley Johnson, Daniel Stern
Format: DVD (Warner Home Video)

- Fun opening scene. Let's just say Otis' reaction to his bad luck is hilarious.
- Heeeeello Ashley Johnson.
- Daniel Stern (Home Alone) and Illeana Douglas (Goodfellas) are funny as Riley's parents. Two great actors right there.
- Jimmy Kusnitz as the disturbed little brother. He of course was the lead actor in the movie that started this marathon, Dance of the Dead.
- Reason I feel okay ogling Ashley Johnson: She was 25 when this movie was made, despite playing a teenager.
- Reason I feel weird ogling Ashley Johnson: She played the youngest Seaver kid on the last few seasons of Growing Pains. Yup, the little kid.
- I'm digging the soundtrack. Talking Heads, Them (featuring Van Morrison), Flock of Seagulls.
- There are some great support actors - in particular Kevin Pollack and Jere Burns. Burns is hilarious as a bumbling cop.
- More great music. Quiet Riot! And now Blue Oyster Cult.
- Okay, this was meandering along as a mildly-funny black comedy. Now it's become Last House on the Left: The Comedy.

Overall thoughts: Otis is a horror-comedy that didn't have me laughing out loud too often but I enjoyed its sick and twisted humour. The most enjoyment comes from the interaction between the parents played by Daniel Stern and Illeana Douglas and their son, played by Jimmy Kusnitz. The situation they find themselves in while avenging their kidnapping of their daughter/sister, is really funny. The writing is mostly witty (some of the lines are groaners) and Otis is never too predictable.

31 Nights of Terror #21 - The Hills Run Red (2009)

2011-10-27T20:33:00.004+13:00

The Hills Run Red (2009)
Director: Dave Parker
Starring: Sophie Monk, Tad Hilgenbrink, William Sadler
Format: DVD (Warner Premiere)

- Nasty little opening. Is this going to be torture porn?
- And a fake "this is real" text scroll, ala Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
- Horror movie fans as protagonists. Will they be funny like the two kids in Summer School or as know-it-all as the Scream teens.
- William Sadler. A favourite of Frank Darabont (appeared in Green Mile, The Mist, Shawshank Redemption) and a great all-round actor. Who can forget him as the Grim Reaper in Bill and Ted?
- Less than five minutes in and we get our first naked breasts. Not that I'm complaining.
- Nice, they're watching House on Haunted Hill (the Vincent Price original).
- Sophie Monk. British former pop singer. She's certainly attractive enough, but let's see if she can act.
- Okay, Tyler is definitely gay. Passing up a naked Sophie Monk sprawled on the bed? Yup, gay.
- All you need to kick a hardcore drug habit is a montage. Even Rocky had a montage.
- So according to IMDB three of the four main protagonists are British, pretending to be American. Wow.
- Nice messy kill, but boo CGI! Boo-urns!
- Kidnappy, rapey rednecks, meet Babyface.
- That chick is good at holding her breath for a long time.
- How'd she get so clean again?
- Twisty ending.

Overall thoughts: The Hills Run Red has all the elements of a great horror movie, in particular a good plot (with several good twists), good music, a creepy and isolated location and lots of blood, gore and nudity. Unfortunately the sum of the parts don't add up to a final product that quite hits the mark. Don't get me wrong, there's some good viewing to be had, but there's something missing, something intangible that stops it from being really good. That being said, if you're after a modern horror movie with tits, gore and an interesting storyline, you'd do worse than checking out The Hills Run Red.

31 Nights of Terror #20 - The Reptile (1966)

2011-10-27T20:27:00.003+13:00

The Reptile (1966)
Director: John Gilling
Starring: Noel Willman, Jennifer Daniel, Ray Barrett
Format: DVD (Midnight Movies double feature with The Plague of the Zombies)

- I don't think I've seen this one before. Getting to watch a new Hammer horror is always great.
- Typically great, moody Hammer opening featuring an old dark house and creepy English countryside
- Director John Gilling helmed several other Hammer horrors (The Plague of the Zombies, The Mummy's Shroud) and a few Hammer swashbucklers (Fury at Smuggler's Bay, The Pirates of Blood River, The Scarlet Blade).
- The lead actor is Aussie Ray Barrett, who I last saw as an old man in the trippy 1987 Australian flick Contagion (the review of which you can find elsewhere on this blog).
- The village in this movie was the backlot of Hammer's Bray Studios and was also used for Plague of the Zombies, which was filmed back-to-back with The Reptile (and shares actors Jacqueline Pearce and Michael Ripper).
- Jacqueline Pearce. Wow.
- Noel Willman (Doctor Zhivago, Kiss of the Vampire) is great as the overbearing and creepy Dr Franklyn.
- It's worth noting the prominence of Indian symbolism and music in this movie, as Indian mysticism reached new heights of popularity in England and the US in the mid-60s (due in large part, I would think, to The Beatles' dabbling with Maharishi Yogi).
- Creeping around in dark old houses, digging up graves, weird and creepy characters... man I love Hammer period horrors.

Overall thoughts: If you're a fan of Hammer horror, particularly their gothic period films, then you'll enjoy The Reptile. It has all the elements that Hammer did so well - a creepy old house, foreboding English countryside and a mystery. The acting is good, the cinematography top notch and the creature effects are primitive by modern standards but effective enough. A must for Hammer horror fans.

31 Nights of Terror #19 - Breeders (1986)

2011-10-27T20:22:00.004+13:00

Breeders (1986)
Director: Tim Kincaid
Starring: Teresa Farley, Lance Lewman, Frances Raines, Natalie O'Connell
Format: VHS (Roadshow Home Video)

- This video has great cover art. Will the movie itself be able to live up to it?
- And we're off and running with good old fashioned alien rape.
- My VHS copy of this movie is like watching it through a layer of vasoline.
- Detective: "You're not dead, you're alive. And if you're alive you can remember and we can catch whoever did this."
- Teresa Farley (Dr Gamble Pace) gave up acting after Breeders, according to IMDB, and from what I've seen so far, she did the world a favour.
- A too-skinny model doing a line of cocaine, then playing a cassette on a massive boom box. God bless the 80s!
- And then doing yoga in the buff. God bless... naked women?
- Okay so I was just thinking to myself "the acting in this is so bad it feels like a porno without sex". Then I look up director Tim Kincaid on IMDB and discover he's spent the last 10 years directing gay porn (the title Men's Room 3: Ozark Mountain Exit 8 was the first clue). The plot thickens.
- Wait, so a cocaine-snorting fashion model is also a virgin? Huh?
- An alien with tentacles raping a girl. Suddenly I feel like I'm watching some kind of dodgy Japanese porn.
- The "virgins" in this movie sure do spend a lot of time buck nekkid.
- And the actresses who play said victims? Let's just say they're a perky bunch, and I'm not talking about their personalities.
- Bullets didn't faze the vagina-with-teeth alien monster, but a sharp stick kills it? Alrighty then.
- The mildly-bored looks on the actors' faces during the monster transformation scene had me laughing my ass off.

Overall thoughts: With a movie this bad, it always becomes a case of... is it bad enough to actually be good? Breeders is close, but doesn't quite reach the goal. It has quite a few moments of unintentional humor, but just isn't cheesy enough to be so-bad-it's-good. The acting, the special effects, the music - they're all atrocious. About the only thing I can recommend Breeders for is its constant naked flesh - adolescent boys or anyone with a tanlines/perky breasts fetish will be in their element. Otherwise you might want to give it a miss.

31 Nights of Terror #18 - Redneck Zombies (1989)

2011-10-24T11:53:00.002+13:00

Redneck Zombies (1989)
Director: Pericles Lewnes
Starring: Lisa de Haven, WE Benson, William Decker, James Housely
Format: DVD (Troma)

- This is the 20th anniversary DVD.
- A quite funny Kaufman's Kultural Korner bit before the movie starts, with Lloyd Kaufman (one of the most fun men in movies) and director Lewnes.
- Troma movies without a drum of nuclear waste are like porn without nudity.
- Great country music credits song.
- Most of the acting so far is of the usual hammy Troma kind, but Bucky Santini is genuinely funny as fat good ol' boy Ferd.
- Lewnes is also good fun as a gay bearded redneck named Billy Bob who wants to be called Elly May.
- Jed always getting his sons Junior and Jethro mixed up is a fun bit.
- For a bunch of dirty rednecks the Clemsons sure do have a clean and tidy pickup truck.
- Nice homage/riff on the hitchhiker scene from Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
- Two rednecks watching porn on TV. "I like knockers". "I like knockers too". *knock on the door*. "Someone's knocking." "Yeah, I like knockers too". Top notch comedy right there!
- Man, that scene was trippy as all hell.
- Moonshine in the baby's bottle. That's just wrong.
- The makers of this must have had some fun doing the gore effects. They're pretty damn good for a low budget indy flick.
- Somehow I don't think Andy is as interested in the girls as he makes out.
- It's not hard to see why Lisa de Haven gets top billing. She's actually got some acting chops. Terrible pants though.
- The autopsy scene is hilarious.
- Love the scene with Bob pretending to a zombie but giving himself away. In fact, Bob starts out as one of the lamest characters (mainly due to the acting) but gets funnier as the movie goes on.
- Great ending!

Overall thoughts: As I've admitted before, I'm not much of a fan of Troma movies. And one of the reasons for that is I usually don't find the comedy in their stuff to be very funny. So I had low expectations going into Redneck Zombies, and was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed it, and how funny I found it. Make no mistake, the humour is as low brow as you would expect from a redneck movie, so if you're looking for clever jokes, look elsewhere. But if the concept of nuclear waste getting into a moonshine still and turning hillbillies into zombies makes you chuckle, you might want to check Redneck Zombies out.

31 Nights of Terror #17 - Bats: Human Harvest (2007)

2011-10-24T11:48:00.003+13:00

Bats: Human Harvest (2007)
Director: Jamie Dixon
Starring: David Chokachi, Michael Jace, Pollyanna McIntosh, Marty Papazian
Format: DVD (Sony Pictures)

- There in the opening credits is the magic word: Scifi (as in the TV channel they stupidly renamed Syfy). I've said in past reviews that Scifi made-for-TV movies are a definite guilty pleasure of mine.
- To recap, when I watch Scifi movies my expectations lower and I know I'm going to get a few key elements: Bad CGI, a washed-up big name actor or two, and loads of cheese.
- I sure hope this movie can live up to the standards set by the awesome killer bat movies of the past, like, uh... hmmm. Now that I come to think of it I don't remember ever seeing a good killer bat movie.
- I'm surprised there hasn't been more horror set in modern day Afghanistan (ie warzone), or maybe I've just missed them? I only remember Sand Serpents from 2009, which was pretty decent.
- The aforementioned washed-up actor here is David Chokachi, who apparently played a lifeguard on Baywatch.
- And the bad CGI? Well, apart from the killer bats, all of the helicopter shots are quite obviously computer-generated.
- Hey, it's Pollyanna McIntosh, who played the feral woman in Lucky McKee's messed up little flick The Woman (the review of which you can find on this blog).
- Okay, so this didn't stay in Afghanistan for long. Looks like Chechnya is going to be the setting for the rest of the movie.
- The bats disarmed that Chechnyan rebel. He's 'armless now.
- I just remembered a good killer bats movie, Bats, the one with Lou Diamond Phillips. No wait, that was awful.
- Oh, how about Fangs, the one with Corbin Bernsen from 2002? Nope, even worse.
- Hang on, according to IMDB this is a sequel to the Lou Diamond Phillips flick? Okay then.
- Over-used corny line #1: "You hear that?", "What?", "Nothing. No birds, no animals. It's too quiet."
- Over-used corny line #2: "I'm not going anywhere. I'm bleeding to death. You go, I'll get these bastards."
- These bats are apparently able to camoflage themselves against trees, or something like that. I dunno, I'm kind of zoning out.
- To summarise the last third of the movie: Explosions, bats swooping about, explosions, more bats, evil scientist guy is captured, explosions, more bats, big explosion, the end.

Overall thoughts: I mentioned in my notes that my expectations lower for Scifi TV movies, which is maybe why I usually end up enjoying them. Bats: Human Harvest is pretty much on par with most of its ilk, except for one thing that made it boring for me. Bats. They're just not a very interesting "killer creature" as far as I'm concerned. You always know the bats are fake and people running around swatting at the sky doesn't build suspense or terror. I doubt anyone could make a killer bats story that would keep my interest.

31 Nights of Terror #16 - Of Unknown Origin (1983)

2011-10-20T15:12:00.003+13:00

Of Unknown Origin (1983)
Director: George Cosmatos
Starring: Peter Weller, Jennifer Dale, Lawrence Dane, Kenneth Walsh, Shannon Tweed
Format: DVD (Warner Bros)

- It's Peter Weller, four years before Robocop.
- And Shannon Tweed, the year after being named Playboy's Playmate of the Year. It was around about this time she started her relationship with Gene Simmons.
- Director Cosmatos' resume is sparse but includes a box office smash in Rambo: First Blood Part II, a cult favourite action flick (Cobra) and a fantastic western (Tombstone). He would also work with Weller again on the under-rated Leviathan. He died in 2005.
- Holy crap, now that's a rat trap.
- Anyone else agree that Peter Weller is a vastly under-rated actor? Buckeroo Banzai, Screamers, Leviathan, Naked Lunch, not to mention Robocop 1 and 2... all good stuff.
- The only thing uglier than a rat. Hairless baby rats.
- Uh oh, you messed with the babies. Now you done pissed off mama.
- Is this movie horror? My answer is yes. Although it's mostly a psychological thriller, it uses good suspense and has a few quite effective scare scenes.
- The rat-perspective shots are really well done.
- If you have any kind of fear of rats, this movie probably isn't for you.

Overall thoughts: I've seen this movie in discount bins forever. Heck, I finally picked it up for $3. The DVD cover was bland. All this pointed to a bad, bad movie. I was pleasantly surprised to find instead a simple-but-effective little psychological thriller about a man's obsession with a rat. Not just any rat. A big bastard with evil intent and intelligence to boot. There's probably some subtext about this man's battle with a rat affecting his progress in the business world "rat race" but forget that. Essentially Of Unknown Origin is a great little flick that'll creep you out, make you laugh and, if you've got any kind of fear of rats or mice, probably scare the living crap out of you.

31 Nights of Terror #15 - Child's Play 3 (1991)

2011-10-18T17:46:00.004+13:00

Child's Play 3 (1991)
Director: Jack Bender
Starring: Andrew Robinson, Peter Haskell, Brad Dourif, Perrey Reeves, Justin Whalin
Format: DVD (Universal)

- Cool opening credits.
- It's eight years after the events of part two and we're back with the toy company, which has reopened its factory and is bringing the Good Guy dolls back onto the market.
- Replacing Alex Vincent as Andy Barclay (the kid from the first two movies, whose body Chucky wants to plant his soul into) is Justin Whalin, probably best remembered as Jimmy Olsen on the Lois & Clark TV series.
- So Andy's now in a military school. That'll probably mean lots of hazing, asshole sergeants etc.
- Yep, pretty predictable. Not very interesting though.
- Writer Don Mancini wrote this before part two had even been released. He has been quoted as saying he was out of ideas, and from what I've seen so far, I agree with him.
- The carnival funhouse climax should be kickass, but it's not.

Overall thoughts: Dull, dull, dull. It's not hard to see why this was the last Child's Play movie before they rebooted the franchise as comedic parodies. Everything is by the numbers - the plot, the kills, the Chucky wisecracks, the acting, the setting etc. None of the actors are terribly interesting, and some are just plain annoying (the kid Tyler). You'll predict things before they happen and groan at some of the plot points. Definitely the worst of the first three movies and best avoided.

31 Nights of Terror #14 - Child's Play 2 (1990)

2011-10-18T17:34:00.006+13:00

Child's Play 2 (1990)

Director: John Lafia
Starring: Alex Vincent, Jenny Aguttr, Gerrit Graham, Christine Elise, Brad Dourif
Format: DVD (Universal)

- Note the change of studio. Apparently MGM didn't want to continue the franchise because of controversy over the first movie (ie violence and kids), so Universal picked it up.
- I was wondering how they would bring Chucky back after his fiery demise in the first movie. Is it really realistic to think the company would rebuild the doll?
- Ah Jenny Agutter. She was so damn hot in American Werewolf in London. Nine years later she's still pretty but a bit frumpy in her role as a foster mom.
- Speaking of hot, it's Christine Elise, later of Beverly Hills 90210.
- Another familiar face is Grace Zabriskie (Galaxy of Terror, The Grudge).
- Chucky "killing" the other Good Guy doll, Tommy, is great. Hmmmm, Tommy? Maybe a shot at first movie director Tom Holland?
- "Hi, I'm...[pause]... Tommy". Funny.
- Haha, love the photocopier bit.
- The naked, hairless Good Guy dolls in the factory might just be creepier than Chucky.
- Nice kill. Two words - eye machine.
- And a very, very messy finale.

Overall thoughts: With Child's Play 2 the vibe begins it's slow slide towards comedy, with Chucky doing more wisecracking than in the original. But it's still a good mix, I'd say 80% horror, 20% comedy. There's not as much suspense as in the first movie, but there are some good kills and an interesting climax. So basically more of the same as the first movie, but with slightly more comedy thrown in. Definitely worth watching in a double-feature with part one.

31 Nights of Terror #13 - Child's Play (1988)

2011-10-17T19:42:00.005+13:00

Child's Play (1988)
Director: Tom Holland
Starring: Catherine Hicks, Chris Sarandon, Alex Vincent, Brad Dourif
Format: DVD (MGM)

- It's a lazy Sunday, a perfect time for a mini-marathon within this 31 Nights of Terror marathon, and what better way than with a triple-feature of the first three Child's Play movies?
- I've recently acquired these three movies on DVD. I know I saw the first one on VHS back in the day, and I'm pretty sure I've seen the next two, but can't be certain.
- What ever happened to Chris Sarandon? He was in some great movies in the 80s (Fright Night, Princess Bride, this) but I can't recall seeing him in anything for years.
- Stop, hammer time!
- After all the Chucky films it's hard to watch this with fresh eyes, but it's done so in the early going you wonder if it's Chucky or the kid doing the killing.
- The mom in this movie (Catherine Hicks) went on to play the mom in one of the most sickening TV shows of all time, 7th Heaven. Now *that* is true horror.
- I remember how me and my friends used to say "Hi, I'm Chucky, wanna play" a lot when this movie came out.
- So that was the infamous shock treatment kill, which was cut from the VHS release but restored now on the DVD. It was pretty fun, but I can't see why it was cut.
- I get that Chucky is alive, but how the hell does a doll have the strength to push open a door that a fully-grown woman is holding shut?
- Yay, they beat Chucky. He won't be back. Right?

Overall thoughts: After watching the later comedic Bride of Chucky and Seed of Chucky flicks, it's easy to forget that the franchise started out as an effective straight forward horror movie. The plot is fairly run of the mill slasher, but the concept of a killer doll is done with style and fun without getting too cheesy (unlike Charles Band's Puppetmaster and Blood Doll movies). Like Freddy Krueger, Chucky got more goofy as time went on, but here he's a genuinely creepy little bastard. Good stuff.

31 Nights of Terror #12 - The Brood (1979)

2011-10-15T21:07:00.001+13:00

The Brood (1979)
Director: David Cronenberg
Starring: Oliver Reed, Samantha Eggar, Art Hindle
Format: DVD (Universal)

- David Cronenberg. I have to admit there are some gaping holes in my viewing history of this director. I've seen The Fly, Rabid, Videodrome, Scanners, The Dead Zone, Naked Lunch and Eastern Promises and enjoyed them all to varying levels. I have yet to see Shivers, Dead Ringers, Existenz or this one.
- Powerful opening scene. Oliver Reed was, by all accounts, an alcoholic asshole but he was a great actor.
- Great score by Howard Shore, who went on to win an Oscar for his score of Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring.
- Lots of slow build in the first hour, with intermittent moments of quite effective horror.
- Art Hindle reminds me a lot of Dominic West, star of one of my favourite TV shows, The Wire.
- Seeing your teacher get bashed to death in the classroom. Hey kids, you'd better get used to going to therapy.
- Cronenberg sure does love using gooey body fluid effects.
- I can't decide whether Samantha Eggar's acting in this movie is great or over the top. Either way it's memorable.
- Great twist ending. I didn't see that coming.

Overall thoughts: The Brood is psychological horror at its best. Cronenberg takes a simple-but-effective premise and runs with it, using his own unique style to make it work. The first two thirds of the movie build up the characters and storyline, giving hints of the horror ahead, before a simply stunning finale. The "creatures" are simple in design but extremely creepy and the acting performances are quite good. I definitely recommend this one for anyone who hasn't seen it.

31 Nights of Terror #11 - Mr Halloween (2007)

2011-10-15T21:04:00.003+13:00

Mr Halloween (2007)
Director: Andrew Wolf
Starring: A bunch of nobodies
Format: DVD (York Entertainment)

- This is one of a bunch of budget horror flicks I bought off a website in the US a few years back. I haven't gotten around to watching most of them, including this one, but since it's got Halloween in its name I thought I'd give it a go.
- Wow, this is uber low-budget.
- The killer, Mr Halloween, is played by Bill Loomis. Related to Dr Loomis maybe?
- For a movie with zero budget this has some half decent music and gore so far.
- The acting, though, is exactly what you'd expect from a movie this low budget ($6000 according to IMDB). High school production level.
- Hey, they're playing the boardgame Zombies! I've played that!
- Most common line of dialogue in this movie so far: "What the hell are you doing?"
- Mr Halloween is really, really annoying.
- On the cover he has a cool-looking evil clown mask. But of course it's nowhere to be seen in the actual movie. I hate that.
- Okay, so it seems Bill Loomis is a real guy who runs a haunted house attraction every Halloween and he played himself in this movie.
- The male lead is Justin Loomis. Bill's kid? Probably. And he reminds me of David Arquette.
- That kid looks very clean for someone who's been kept in a basement for a year.
- And there's the plot twist that a blind man could have seen coming.
- For a big, bad guy Mr Halloween went out like a pussy.

Overall thoughts: Want to see a great horror movie featuring a hulking killer in blue overalls and a character named Loomis? Go watch the original Halloween. Mr Halloween? Well, it's okay. For a movie that cost $6000 to make and stars first time actors, it could have been a whole lot worse. Director Andrew Wolf actually does a good job, throwing in some clever camera shots, good music and some alright gore. What drags Mr Halloween down is the acting (as you'd expect) and the fact it could really have done with being half an hour shorter. Overall, as micro-budget movies go it's probably one of the better ones I've seen, but I won't be hurrying to watch it again.

31 Nights of Terror #10 - House 3 (1989)

2011-10-15T21:01:00.002+13:00

House 3 (1989)
Director: James Isaac
Starring: Lance Henricksen, Brion James, Rita Taggert, Dedee Pfeiffer
Format: VHS (Premiere Home Entertainment)

- You'd rather be on Elm St? Nice tagline, but I have feeling it's going to be true in a way the producers didn't intend.
- Written by Alan Smithee. That's not a good sign.
- Ah, the 80s, when Lance Henriksen still had some credibility and wouldn't appear in any old crap.
- So apparently this one was filmed as The Horror Show then retitled House 3 for the non-US market. The actual second House sequel had to be renamed House IV as a result.
- Hey it's Leon Kowalski. Brion James was a great bad guy character actor, although I must admit up until recently I thought him and Tobin Bell were the same person.
- Director Jason Isaac went on to helm Jason X (yikes) and Skinwalkers (haven't seen it).
- If I didn't know differently I'd swear this was a Wes Craven production. It has a real Nightmare on Elm St vibe to it, and shares a plot point with Shocker.
- According to IMDB this came out a few months before Shocker, so I guess it can't be considered a ripoff.
- Thom Bray! I haven't seen him since he was one of the leads on one of my favourite shows as a kid, Riptide.
- That Nightmare on Elm St vibe I mentioned only gets stronger as this movie goes on. Some of the special effects are extremely Krueger-esque.
- This movie came after quite a sequence of great flicks for Henriksen - Aliens in 1986, Near Dark in 1987 and Pumpkinhead in 1988. It's a shame it was all downhill from there.

Overall thoughts: Yikes, this was painful. Not even Lance Henriksen at the peak of his powers could save this tedious borefest. It's missing the out-and-out zaniness of the first House, instead taking a straight forward approach, which takes away any fun that was to be had. What we're left with is a pale imitation of Nightmare on Elm St. As pale as an albino dressing up as a Twilight character for Halloween.

31 Nights of Terror #9 - I Drink Your Blood (1970)

2011-10-15T20:56:00.003+13:00

I Drink Your Blood (1970)
Director: David Durston
Starring: Bhaskar, Jadin Wong, Rhonda Fultz, George Patterson
Format: DVD (Madman)

- Naked hippies in the first scene. Good start. Satan-worshipping naked hippies, even better!
- Groovy 60s soundtrack with bongos. Like far out man.
- "Roger, I'm terribly upset". Great dialogue.
- Hey that's the girl from The Crazies (Lynn Lowry). I knew when I watched The Crazies the other night I'd seen her before. I must have remembered her from this (though admittedly I only watched about the first third of this, some 6-7 years ago).
- My DVD runs 83 minutes. The uncut version is 90 minutes. Damn.
- The kid in this movie sure is a resourceful little bastard.
- Horace Bones the Indian (as in Native American) hippy leader is played by an Indian actor (as in from the country India). Okay.
- I come from a country where we don't have rabies, so I'm not expert on the disease, but I'm pretty sure it takes more than a few hours for it to affect a human.
- I knew I'd heard one of the musical sound effects from this movie before. It's from the intro to the Rob Zombie song
- Rabid construction workers! If they would join up with the rabid Indian hippie and somehow find a cop and a navy guy, we'd have the coolest Village People cover group ever.
- Some of the music is creepy but some of it sounds like Batman should be dancing the Batoozie to it.
- This does have some good gore, especially for the time. I'm wondering if this print really is cut?

Overall thoughts: I can honestly say this is the best rabid satanist hippy horror movie I have ever seen. It's also the only one I've ever seen. All kidding aside, as low budget zombie movies go (I know they're not really zombies, but it still feels like a zombie movie) this one's pretty good. Some of the acting's really, really bad, but that aside it has a charm to it that only low budget late 60s/early 70s movies can have. The heavy-handed anti-beatnik moralising is quite laughable, but looking past that there's a good ol' gorey time to be had watching I Drink Your Blood.

VHS collection - Horror

2011-10-14T13:57:00.001+13:00

31 Nights of Terror #8 - Dead Snow (2009)

2011-10-13T18:27:00.005+13:00

Dead Snow (2009)
Director: Tommy Wirkola
Starring: A bunch of Norwegian people you won't have heard of
Format: DVD (Madman)

- A hot chick who knows about classic horror movies. I'm in love.
- It's been a good last few years for Norwegian horror. I really enjoyed last year's Trollhunter and have heard good things about this one.
- From the goofy menu music I was expecting this to be a comedy/horror but so far it's an effective little chiller with lots of suspense and jump scares.
- Isolation horror is one of my favourite sub-genres and you can't get much more isolated than deep in the Norwegian mountains.
- Zombies that slit throats? What the deuce?
- Norwegian death metal. Rowrrrr!
- The movie geek guy is wearing a Braindead t-shirt. New Zealand represent!
- Jesus, at least let the guy finish wiping before you get it on in the shithouse.
- Nazi zombies is a sub-genre that is vastly underutilised. I can only think of Shockwaves and this.
- And this just went from being a atmospheric scarefest to a blood and guts (or more specifically brains) gorefest.
- I've seen enough modern zombie movies to be able to tolerate running zombies (or zoombies as I like to call them), but zombies that use weapons? Blah.
- Look, it's Zombie Colonel Klink.
- And now zombies that can climb trees. Are there no rules anymore?
- The comedy has increased a lot since the zombies showed up, but without the overall vibe getting too silly.
- Never sneak up on a man in the middle of a killing spree.

Overall thoughts: Dead Snow is fun and entertaining, I'll give it that. The characters are likeable, the zombies pretty bad ass and the setting desolate and remote. After a slow, atmospheric build up the action kicks in and doesn't let up until the climax. A good mix of horror and comedy. And it has Nazi Zombies!

31 Nights of Terror #7 - The Crazies (1973)

2011-10-09T10:02:00.003+13:00

The Crazies (1973)
Director: George Romero
Starring: Lane Carroll, WG McMillan, Harold Wayne Jones
Format: DVD (Umbrella)

- I haven't seen this one in a long time. I don't remember being very impressed by it, but then I think it was the first Romero movie I'd seen after the Dead Trilogy, so it was always going to be a let down in comparison I guess.
- That's quite the monobrow on WG McMillan
- The army personnel in white bodysuits and black gas-masks foreshadow Lucas' stormtroopers, which would hit the screen four years later.
- Evans City, also the setting for Night of the Living Dead.
- Man, those are some sharp knitting needles.
- I've heard most of the audio (especially voice work) was added in post-production, and it shows. There's a nasty echo to some of the dialogue and effects.
- Richard France plays an army doctor. He would later play another doctor in Dawn of the Dead, the cynical one who stays on the air in the TV studio as the world goes to hell.
- Look at the crazy rednecks getting all Wile E. Coyote with their sticks of dynamite.
- It's hard to believe this was made just a few years after Night of the Living Dead. But that's probably because NOTLD seems to much older, being in black and white.
- Holy incest Batman!
- Lynn Lowry sure was one unique-looking girl. And hot.
- I haven't seen the remake of this, but I'd like to check it out. I'm not a fan of remakes, but the original could be done so much better.

Overall thoughts: While not a bad movie, there's just something about The Crazies that doesn't click with me. Part of it is the characters - I don't empathise with any of the leads, which always makes it hard to care about their plight. Another part of it is the "crazies" themselves. They're just, well, not that crazy. Despite its faults, a movie like 28 Days Later featured a good example of infected people going absolutely bananas. Not so much here.
Sure, The Crazies shares a major similarity with Romero's two most famous movies, Night of the Living Dead and Dawn of the Dead, in that it features a group of people trying to survive when everything is going the crap around them. But give me a horde of zombies anyday.

31 Nights of Terror #6 - Eden Lake (2008)

2011-10-07T19:20:00.004+13:00

Eden Lake (2008)
Director: James Watkins
Starring: Kelly Reilly, Michael Fassbender, Tara Ellis, Jack O'Connell
Format: DVD

- This one was a cheap blind buy. I know nothing about it.
- Okay, so it's British. And directed by James Watkins, who wrote a great little flick called My Little Eye.
- And stars Michael Fassbender, who since this has gone on to play parts in Inglourious Basterds and X-Men: First Class (as young Magneto).
- Hello Kelly Reilly. If there's one thing the Brits know how to produce it's sexy redheads (for more evidence see Karen Gillan from Dr Who).
- I guess I'm getting old and crotchety, because nothing makes my blood boil like disrespectful kids.
- Jesus Christ, there's some tough viewing in this. The one scene with the kids taking turns cutting the guy in particular.
- Movie is finished and I just realised I didn't write any notes for the second half of it, I was so engrossed in what was happening on screen.

Overall thoughts: Wow. It's been a long, long time since I've been as affected by a horror movie as I was by Eden Lake. This movie brought out more raw emotion (most of it anger) than I've felt in forever. At the core it's an isolation survival movie (like The Hills Have Eyes and so many others) mixed with a revenge flick (Last House on the Left, I Spit on Your Grave et al), and an effective one at that, full of suspense, jump scares and brutal violence.
But beyond that it is a commentary on the way our society is changing. From what I've seen and read, the increase in youth violence is a major problem in England (where Eden Lake is set), but disaffected and disrespectful youth are prevalent in any western society. This movie takes what we all know is going on in our society and puts it right in our face in a blunt and extreme manner. The idea of a monster chasing us through the woods is pretty scary. Switch the monster with a group of conscienceless youths and it becomes something that could actually happen, so all the more terrifying.
If you haven't seen Eden Lake, see it now.

31 Nights of Terror #5 - Body Bags (1993)

2011-10-07T16:19:00.002+13:00

Body Bags (1993)
Director: John Carpenter (2 segments), Tobe Hooper (1 segment)
Starring: John Carpenter, Robert Carradine, Stacey Keach, Mark Hamill
Format: VHS (Home Cinema Group)

- I had this one on my list to watch for this marathon, but had to bump it up to today after learning that actor Charles Napier had died. He features in one of the segments in this anthology.
- I've been wanting to see this for years. All I know is it's an anthology, was made for TV and is meant to have all sorts of horror movie cameos in it.
- So instead of The Cryptkeeper we get John Carpenter himself as The Coroner. Nice touch.
- Another nice touch: The first segment is set in Haddonfield.
- Alright, let's go horror actor/director spotting!
- Spotted in segment 1, The Gas Station: Directors Wes Craven and Sam Raimi, David Naughton (American Werewolf in London).
- Decapitated head humor, always funny.
- Segment 2 is void of horror guy cameos, but it does feature 80s singers Sheena Easton and Deborah Harry.
- Stacey Keach in a long hair wig is just creepy. Like seeing Fabio as an old man.
- Segment 3, there's Charles Napier, playing a baseball coach. RIP Charles.
- Mark Hamill and Twiggy as a married couple. Mr and Mrs Has Been!
- Roger Corman as a doctor. Nice! Ha, and his acting is terrible, exactly what you'd expect from one of his own low-budget movies.
- And Corman's doctor colleague is played by former b-movie leading man John Agar (Tarantula, Attack of the Puppet People etc).
- Hamill's actually pretty good in this.
- And the final cameo comes in the wrap-around conclusion, as director Tobe Hooper plays a morgue worker alongside Tom Arnold.

Overall thoughts:
I've read that this anthology was intended as a pilot for a TV series that didn't get picked up. I'm not sure why it didn't get picked up, because it's as good as most horror/scifi anthology TV series of the past 30 years. And no, that's not a compliment. Like its peers, Body Bags suffers from the restraints of TV censorship (sparse blood and guts) and weak source material.
The middle story, Hair, is the least conventional of the three, but is also the weakest. The opening story has good atmosphere, music and camerawork, the hallmarks of John Carpenter's career, while the third one, directed by Tobe Hooper, is from the predictable transplanted-body-part-is-evil line, and is only saved by a good acting performance by former Luke Skywalker Mark Hamill. The best stuff comes in the wrap-around, which is full of dark humour and a fun performance by Carpenter himself.
Final verdict? Not a complete waste of time but if you've seen most horror anthologies you know what to expect. If nothing else horror fans will have fun trying to spot all the director cameos.

31 Nights of Terror #4 - The Toxic Avenger (1984)

2011-10-05T22:12:00.003+13:00

The Toxic Avenger (1984)
Director: Lloyd Kaufman
Starring: Mitchell Cohen, Andree Maranda
Format: DVD (Troma)

- Alright, so this is the Director's Cut DVD. Not sure what that means, other than there are a few "deleted scenes" in the special features.
- Special DVD intro by Lloyd Kaufman, Mr Troma himself. As he says, this movie is what "built the house of Troma".
- Disclosure: I'm not really a fan of Troma movies. I prefer my horror a little less, well, silly I guess. I enjoy Class of Nuke 'Em High and a couple of others, but most Troma flicks do nothing for me.
- More disclosure: I haven't seen any of the sequels, and it's been close to 25 years since I saw this one. I remember quite liking it back in the day and I think it was probably one of the first gorey movies I ever saw.
- Digging the totally gnarly 80s soundtrack.
- Toking sit ups. That seemed so badass when I was 13.
- Nothing says 80s (or 70s) like naked breasts with tanlines.
- The Toxie transformation effects are actually pretty decent for such a low budget.
- Bad, bad overdubbing when Toxie speaks. Was that in the original, or is it some Director's Cut meddling?
- I am not surprised to read on IMDB that actor Pat Ryan, who played Mayor Belgoody, died at the age of 44. Boy was he one obese dude.
- Hey look, a one-armed bandit!
- Nice head-crushing scene. I guess that was the one it mentions on the cover of the DVD?
- A lot of the humor is lame, but I love the montage where Toxie does good deeds, like opening a jar for an old lady.
- Gratuitous car chase/crash sequence for no reason.

Overall thoughts: After a rough couple of days at work, tonight I needed some good old fashioned escapism. To switch my brain off and watch something that didn't take any thinking. So what better than a Troma flick right? As I mentioned above, I haven't watched The Toxic Avenger since the late 80s. I liked it when I saw it way back then, but how did it hold up to the test of time? Well, it was okay. A lot of the humor fell flat, but overall it's got a certain low budget, underground charm to it. Definitely a movie that appealed more to 13-year-old me (lots of boobs, toilet humor and gore) than 36-year-old me, but I'm glad I revisited it.

31 Nights of Terror #3 - The Video Dead (1987)

2011-10-03T21:53:00.002+13:00

The Video Dead (1987)
Director: Robert Scott
Starring: Rocky Duvall, Roxanna Augesen
Format: VHS (Premiere)

- Name in the opening credits: Michael St Michaels. Nice pornstar name there buddy.
- Zombies that come out of a TV, even when it's unplugged. 15 years before Ringu.
- Both of the two main leads have just this movie to their name (according to IMDB.com). Not a good sign.
- Director Robert Scott has one other credit to his name. Ratdog (1990). Sounds like a winner.
- And one more fact from IMDB: The budget for this movie was apparently $80,000. I believe it.
- Dude warns you there's a TV that isn't really a TV and it could lead to the loss of lives. You find a TV in the attic and decide to turn it on. Ladies and gentlemen, your Moron of the Year.
- Zombies coming out of the TV bad. Naked hot blonde chick coming out of the TV? Not so bad.
- Oh boy, I can see why Rocky Duvall never worked again. His acting is so bad it's unintentionally funny.
- Speaking of bad, some of the camera work is pitiful.
- The zombie effects are, for the most part, not too bad.
- Laughing zombies? That's a new one.
- The old zombie hiding in the washing machine bit. If I've seen it once I've seen it... well, once now.
- These zombies like killing but they're not much for gut-munching. Maybe they're vegetarian?
- What kind of lame zombies get taken out by arrows?
- Zombie with a chainsaw! Run!
- Zombies that are afraid of mirrors. Zombies that can sense fear. Just give me plain old "braaaaains" zombies any day.
- Okay, that is the lamest method of "defeating" a group of zombies I have ever seen. So, so lame.
- And an uber-lame twist ending just to tie things off with a corny bow.

Overall thoughts: To make a successful horror comedy you need to achieve two things. Your movie should be funny and also have suspense and/or gore. The Video Dead fails on all counts. The thing is, it had the makings of a low budget version of Return of the Living Dead. Maybe with a more competent director and writer that could have been achieved. But instead we get horrible acting, bad camerawork, no laughs, no suspense. About the only positive is the zombie effects, which are average. I cannot imagine why anyone would want to see this movie a second time. In fact, the only reason most people would have seen it once has to be because of its awesome cover, which would have drawn in a few punters at the old video store. Definitely give this one a miss.

31 Nights of Terror #2 - Xtro (1983)

2011-10-03T17:25:00.002+13:00

Xtro (1983)
Director: Harry Bromley Davenport
Starring: Philip Sayer, Bernice Stagers, Danny Brainin
Format: VHS (Thorn/EMI)

- Alright here we go with a movie I've been aware of for years but have never seen before now.
- Huh, I wasn't expecting it to be British.
- Bond Girl Maryam D'Abo in her early 20s. Mmmmm.
- Ah the 80s, when even the English had mullets.
- Dogs can always sense when there's a slimey space monster lurking about. Yep, the same creatures that eat vomit and lick their own asses are geniuses.
- Wait, did the monster just eat that woman or copulate with her?
- The monster effects haven't been too great so far, but the synth music soundtrack (which IMDB.com tells me was done by the director) provides suspense, shock and more than little bit of weirdness to proceedings.
- Well, I guess that answers my question about eating/copulating. One of the surrealist alien births I've ever seen.
- Naked Maryam D'Abo. Three words that should make any red-blooded male want to see this movie.
- Plot so far: Guy gets abducted by aliens then returns three years later. He tries to pick up where he left off with his wife and son, but his wife has since shacked up with another guy. Naturally dear old Dad starts acting strangely.
- D'Abo is extremely sexy but her ever-changing accent is distracting.
- Midget clown alert!
- And it just got weirder. Yes, weirder than a midget clown.
- There has been very little in the way of blood and gore so far. I've just checked and my VHS appears to be uncut at 83 minutes long.
- The monster effects got better towards the end.
- The ending opens the way for sequels. I believe two were made, but not sure if they follow narrative-wise or just in name.

Overall thoughts: I've heard this movie referred to as a "mess", but as far as plot goes it's actually pretty straight forward, in that everything at least makes sense. But at the same time there are definitely quite a few trippy, offbeat (or, in the modern parlance - WTF?) moments. The monster effects range from quite bad to quite good and the musical soundtrack is extremely effective in adding to the surreality. I guess the word I would use to sum Xtro is "different", which is a good thing, trust me. I don't think I've ever seen a movie quite like Xtro.

31 Nights of Terror #1 - Dance of the Dead (2008)

2011-09-30T21:28:00.004+13:00

Dance of the Dead (2008)
Director: Gregg Bishop
Starring: Jared Kusnitz, Greyson Chadwick, Chandler Darby
Format: DVD

Observations:
- Hey look, a recent horror flick with a cast of "teens" that aren't fake-looking models. I already like this movie.
- The realistic casting and well-written high school hijinks gives this a vibe of Freaks and Geeks crossed with Animal House crossed with Dazed and Confused.
- That is, until the zombies show up. Then it only gets better!
- Braaaaains!
- Oops, Mitch lost his head.
- I see on IMDB that male lead Jared Kusnitz is also in Otis, another movie I'll be watching during 31 Nights of Terror 2011.
- Holy jumping zombies Batman!
- A car cigarette lighter as a weapon. "Don't move or I'll scorch you!".
- Zombie carjackers. I guess all the usual rules are out the window.
- I can honestly say that is the first time I have seen anyone do pro wrestling moves on a zombie. Awesome!
- I guess the saying "music soothes the savage beast" is true.
- Coach Keel is officially my favourite character in this.
- What prom would be complete without the band playing an 80s power ballad, right? "Shadows of the Night" by Pat Benatar - rockin' choice!
- Hey look, it's Mitch.
- Zombie sex looks painful.
- Cool guys (and gals) don't look back at explosions.

Overall thoughts:
I'm going to make this short. Dance of the Dead is a worthy entrant into the Zombie Horror Comedy Hall of Fame, alongside the likes of Shaun of the Dead, Zombieland and Return of the Living Dead. It does the simple things well. Realistic characters you care about. Comedy that is actually funny. Moments of suspense and gore. Good zombie effects. Effective camera work. It ticks all the boxes, making for a fun watch. And a great way to get the ball rolling on 31 Nights of Terror 2011!

Announcing 31 Nights of Terror... the sequel!

2011-09-30T11:54:00.004+13:00

Hi everyone, sorry for my lack of blogging lately. The usual real life things have gotten in the way.

But that's about to change!

Back in 2008 I attempted the first 31 Nights of Terror marathon. My intention was to watch one horror movie every night for 31 consecutive nights leading up to Halloween.

I failed. I made it through 21 nights but found it too hard to commit to watching a movie every single night for a whole month. (You can read the marathon in its entirity in the blog archive).

But now I'm extremely happy to announce the revival of 31 Nights of Terror! It remains essentially the same - I will try to watch 31 horror movies in the month of October. But to make it a little easier on myself, I won't be watching *every* night. Some nights will have double features, others will be movie-free, but in the end it will still add up to 31 movies over the month.

What are the movies? Sorry, you'll just have to wait and see, but for the most part they will be movies I have either a) never seen, or b) haven't seen in a long time. Some will be on VHS and some on DVD. The only connecting thread is that they will all be horror flicks.

The only cheat I'm allowing is that I'm starting the marathon tonight, which is Friday September 30. I know, not technically October, but like I said it's a small cheat and doesn't ruin the spirit of the marathon.

As with my past movie marathons, I won't be writing full reviews of the movies I watch, but will instead post the notes I write while I watch, followed by a short summary of my overall thoughts.

So, stay tuned!

VHS collection - Action, martial arts, b movies

2011-09-30T11:52:00.001+13:00

August 23 - Frozen (2010)

2011-09-05T19:07:00.003+12:00

Frozen (2010)
Director: Adam Green
Format: DVD

This is one of those movies I've been hearing good things about, but was worried wouldn't live up to the hype. I mean, it's a movie about three people being stuck on a ski-lift. How could that possibly be entertaining or terrifying?

Well, you know what? It is a good movie and in parts it does quite a good job of being scary/suspenseful/intense.

Adam Green (HATCHET) is developing quite a reputation as an up-and-coming horror director and there's plenty to admire about his work here. For a start Frozen was filmed entirely on location in the mountains. No sound stages here and no CGI - watch the main featurette in the special features of the DVD to see just how creative Green and his crew were in making the sparse script work.

The plot is, as I mentioned, simple. Three friends - played by Emma Bell (WALKING DEAD TV series), Shawn Ashmore (X-MEN series) and Kevin Zegers (DAWN OF THE DEAD remake) - sneak onto a ski-lift and through a series of bad luck end up stranded high above the ground while the ski resort closes for the week. What do they do? Jump? Try to climb along the wires? Wait it out? And what about the wolves circling below?

So, there's not much meat on the bones of this plot, which makes character development all the more important. Luckily the script and dialogue of Frozen do a good job of establishing the three main characters. The dynamic of two best mates and the "third wheel" girlfriend tagging along is entertaining in the build-up to the horror.

And once it starts the "survival horror" portion is full of tension, especially if you're scared of heights like me. There's also a few small moments of gore.

If you're a keen horror movie fan and think you've seen every possible scenario and setting, a flick like Frozen makes a refreshing change.

August 13 - Bloodsport 2: The Next Kumite (1996)

2011-08-25T22:32:00.003+12:00

The cover of my VHS copy of Bloodsport 2

Bloodsport 2: The Next Kumite (1996)
Director: Alan Mehrez
Format: VHS (Palace)

Can't afford to get Jean Claude Van Damme to come back for a sequel? No problem, just find another martial artist with a wacky European accent who kind of looks like the Muscles from Brussels.

That's just what the producers of this movie did. Bloodsport was a cult favourite (and a personal favourite of mine in my teenage years), but by the time this sequel was released 8 years later, Van Damme was commanding big money and probably unattainable. They found a handy replacement in Daniel Bernhardt, a Swiss martial artist with minimal acting experience (this was his first feature film).

The only connection to the first film is the kumite tournament, and the returning Ray Jackson (Donald Gibb), who is no longer a fighter but is involved as a handler.

Petty thief Alex Cardo (Bernhardt) steals a valuable katana sword and ends up in a Thai prison, where he meets Master Sun (James Hong, BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA). Sun teaches a brand of martial arts called Iron Hand to Alex, who gets on the bad side of a ruthless prison guard called Demon (Ong Soo Han).

Released from prison, Alex enters the Kumite tournament with the help of Ray Jackson. Just like in the first movie, the tournament has a mix of fighting styles. To nobody's surprise, it comes down to Alex and Demon for the tournament title.

The acting is good across the board. Hong is always excellent, Gibb is the comic relief and there's a few brief-but-nice scenes involving good ol' Mr Miyagi, Pat Morita. Bernhardt's acting is also better than could be expected, considering this was his debut.

It's also the debut for director Alan Mehrez and writer Jeff Schechter. The plot is nothing special, but these movies are all about the action, and the fighting starts early (the first fight is on screen inside the first five minutes) and doesn't let up until the final credits. If you've seen the first movie you'll know what to expect, but in fact the fighting might actually be better in this sequel. Demon is no Chong Li in terms of size or meanness, but he's a better fighter.

In between the awesome fights there is some cheesiness to enjoy. Some of the training footage is pretty corny, especially the bits involving punching and kicking out candle flames. The romance scenes involving Bernhardt and Lori Lynn Dickerson have about as much chemistry as two rocks, mainly due to Dickerson's appalling acting. It's also quite humorous to hear Mr Miyagi talking with a British accent. And there's a funny scene where a guy walks in with a long, sword-shaped carry-bag, yet Alex asks "where's the sword?". Oh, and check out the Mortal Kombat-ripoff song that plays during the closing credits.

If you enjoyed the first Bloodsport you need to check out this sequel. The other two sequels featuring Bernhardt? I haven't seen them, but I do have the 4th movie on VHS, so will be reviewing that one sometime soon.

Previews on my VHS: The Scarlet Letter, Captives, Johnny Mnemonic, The Basketball Diaries, Mortal Kombat, National Lampoon's Senior Trip,

August 13 - VHS and DVD collection update

2011-08-14T11:08:00.000+12:00

August 10 - Bloody Birthday (1981)

2011-08-13T20:32:00.004+12:00

The cover of my VHS copy of Bloody Birthday

Bloody Birthday (1981)
Director: Ed Hunt
Format: VHS (Video Classics)

This surprisingly-good killer kid flick fits into the "couldn't be remade today" category. It's hard to imagine any studio greenlighting a flick about a group of killer tykes, or at least one with kids as ruthless as the trio in Bloody Birthday.

The plot is simple enough - Three babies are born during a solar eclipse in 1970. Skip forward 10 years and as they approach their 10th birthday the murderous tykes set about killing anyone who gets in their way. They shoot, strangle, bury alive, beat to death with a baseball bat... nothing is too brutal for this triad of terror. A boy in the tykes' class and his older sister (Lori Lethin, THE DAY AFTER) learn what's going on and try to put a stop to their reign of terror.

The killer kid story has been done plenty of times before (THE OMEN, THE BAD SEED, THE GOOD SON, VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED etc) and Bloody Birthday doesn't really offer anything new to the sub-genre. In essence it's a slasher (with music lifted straight from the previous year's FRIDAY THE 13TH) with cute kids in place of a hulking killer.

Director Ed Hunt (ALIEN WARRIOR, STARSHIP INVASIONS) does a good job of keeping things interesting and doesn't scrimp on the kills, which are carried out in a variety of imaginative ways. Look out for an especially cool kill involving a bow and arrow. The tension and suspense is also good, particularly in the final act.

The supporting cast is good, including square-jawed Joe Penny a few years before becoming a TV regular in RIPTIDE and later JAKE AND THE FATMAN, and former MTV VJ Julie Brown (not the more famous Downtown Julie Brown, this one went by West Coast Julie Brown, got that?) who gets her kit off early in the movie.

But the real stars are the murderous mopheads, or at least two of the three. The blond-haired boy doesn't stand out, but Elizabeth Hoy is the right mix of adorable and creepy as Debbie and Billy Jayne (who a decade later would star as Parker Lewis's best friend on the TV show PARKER LEWIS CAN'T LOSE) is fantastic as the nerdy-but-cold-blooded Curtis.

Bloody Birthday is a definite case of don't judge a VHS by its cover. I went in expecting an 80s slasher but was surprised to find a nice little killer kid flick. Definitely worth watching.

Previews on my VHS tape: Dawn of the Mummy, Get Mean

August 9 - City Limits (1984)

2011-08-13T20:23:00.005+12:00

The cover of my VHS copy of City Limits

City Limits (1984)
Director: Aaron Lipstadt
Format: VHS (Vestron)

In the future a plague has wiped out most of the population. Motorcycle gangs the Clippers and the DAs share control of a major US city, fighting gunless battles. Young Lee (John Stockwall, CHRISTINE) leaves the desert and goes to the city in search of adventure and joins the Clippers. A corporation from outside the city sides with the DAs, but wants control of the whole city, so starts breaking the rules. Lee and the Clippers must fight back, and soon they unite with the DAs to try to rid their city of the evil outsiders.

This was the second film by director Aaron Lipstadt, who went on to a lengthy career directing TV. It's easy to see how he made that transition, because City Limits has a definite television feel to it. The fights and violence are done in a non-exploitive way and the overall vibe is that of a slightly grittier version of an 80s TV show like Street Hawk or Blue Thunder.

Like most 80s futuristic scifi action flicks, this one is clearly influenced by The Road Warrior, with lots of bulky costumes and motorbikes covered in armor. The sets are your usual post-apocalyptic cityscapes.

The acting is really quite good. Stockwell does a good enough job as the naive young hero and is ably supported by a cast that includes legend James Earl Jones (two years after his villainous turn in CONAN THE BARBARIAN, but back to playing a good guy role) and a whole host of young up and comers. They include Rae Dawn Chong (a year before her star turn in COMMANDO) and Kim Cattrall (already established as an actress but a couple of years prior to breaking out in BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA and MANNEQUIN).

Also in the cast are familiar faces Robby Benson (WALK PROUD), John Diehl (KICKBOXER 2) and DON OPPER (CRITTERS franchise), who also helped write City Limits. And look out for bit parts by stuntman extraordinaire Gene LeBell and Jason Vorhees himself, Kane Hodder.

The biggest failing is the plot. It lacks direction and just seems to meander along. The concepts are good, but Opper, Lipstadt and company just plain failed to turn them into anything noteworthy.

That's not to say City Limits isn't worth watching. It has a great cast, some interesting ideas and the odd piece of good action. Oh, and Kim Cattrall gets her kit off.

August 5 - Backwoods (2008)

2011-08-10T16:40:00.003+12:00

Backwoods (2008)
Director: Marty Weiss
Format: DVD

Backwoods is one those dime-a-dozen 2000s horror flicks, the kind that don't offer much in the way of originality but can still be worth watching if you're in the right mood.

It has elements of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Wrong Turn, Hills Have Eyes and even Masterblaster (the obscure-ish paintball game slasher I reviewed in May).

A group of workmates head into the forest for a team-building game of paintball, but stumble on a group of crazed hillbilly types that are intent on making their game a matter of life and death.

Yep, your basic survival horror slasher. With a semi-recognisable hollywood lead (Haylie Duff, sister of singer/actor Hilary Duff) and a bunch of nobodies filling all the pre-requisite roles (loudmouth party animal, token black guy, Asian guy, ditzy chick etc).

One recognisable face is Jonathon Slavin, who has a regular gig as a quirky geek on TV comedy show BETTER OFF TED. Also popping up are Robert Allen Mukes (HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES) as a hulking freak and veterans Mark Rolston (ALIENS) as a park ranger and Deborah Van Valkenburgh (DEVIL'S REJECTS) as the matriach of the redneck family, Mother Ruth.

There's no real gore, but Backwoods doesn't really suffer because of it. It still manages to be violent and brutal in places. The acting is good and the one piece of originality in the plot offers a variation on the usual hillbilly inbred bad guys by making them a religious cult.

Along the same lines as Wrong Turn and countless other recent survival horror slashers, Backwoods is fun enough and worth watching if you like this type of movie.

July 30 - Cocaine Wars and Solar Warriors

2011-08-01T21:22:00.009+12:00

Hey, it's a "movies released on video in 1986" double feature! First up is an action flick starring a former 1970s TV star and heartthrob.

The cover and back of my VHS copy of Cocaine Wars

Cocaine Wars (1985)
Director: Hector Olivera Format: VHS (Media)

From director Hector Olivera (BARBARIAN QUEEN) comes this mid-80s actioner set in South America. Released theatrically in 1985 and on video in 1986.

It stars John Schneider (DUKES OF HAZZARD) as Cliff Adams, an undercover DEA agent, posing as a pilot flying drugs for a South American cartel. Kathryn Witt (FLYING HIGH TV series) is American journalist Janet Meade, his on-again, off-again lover.

Cliff uses confidential papers to blackmail drug lord Gonzalo Reyes (Guillermo del Toro regular Federico Luppi CRONOS, PAN's LABYRINTH), but when Janet's colleagues in the US prematurely run with a story, his Stateside operation is busted and all hell breaks loose for Cliff and Janet.

Also making an appreance is the always-great Royal Dano (OUTLAW JOSEY WALES) as the owner of the town's brothel.

The action doesn't really pick up until the final act, when the bad guys capture Janet and Cliff goes all Rambo to bust her loose. Machine gun fire, fist fights and explosions are the order of the day.

Cocaine Wars was filmed in Argentina, which provides the type of South American setting you'd expect (Spanish pueblos, rainforest etc) and some not-so-typical bits (a polo match, a car chase along cliff-hugging mountain roads).

Schneider is likeable enough as the cookie cutter anti-hero (rebellious, selfish, afraid of commitment etc), but on the downside the music and editing are sub-par. Even a car chase loses suspense and drama because of the choppy editing and camerawork.

Cocaine Wars is definitely nothing special. If, like me, you were a Dukes of Hazzard fan as a kid, it's worth checking out for John Schneider, but there's not much else to recommend about it.

The cover of my VHS copy of Solar Warriors

Solar Warriors (1985)
Director: Alan Johnson
Format: VHS (CEL)

Roller skating. Lazer guns. A post-apocalyptic future. A glowing alien orb. Man, I would have loved this movie when I was 10.

In fact, at the age of 36 I still really enjoyed it. As family-friendly futuristic scifi goes, SOLAR WARRIORS is a lot of fun.

Director Alan Johnson only helmed two movies, spending most of his career as choreographer on a bunch of Mel Brooks movies (who incidentally produced SOLAR WARRIORS, but don't expect any Brooksian hijinks here).

The movie starts off with narration explaining that far in the future the world is a barren wasteland (what else?) and all the water is controlled by a corporation.

At an orphanage where kids are indoctrinated to serve the corporation, two teams of teenagers engage in a game that's part lacrosse and part rollerderby, until the E-Police break it up.

While escaping from the E-Fuzz, Daniel (Lukas Haas, WITNESS) stumbles upon a cave and, inside it, a glowing ball of light that is some sort of alien lifeforce (but thankfully doesn't talk, keeping things from going all Disney on us).

Daniel takes the orb back to the orphanage and shows it to his friends, a roller-game team known as the Solar Babies. When the orb is stolen by another orphan and Daniel heads into the wasteland after him, the Solar Babies go in search of him. Lucky for all of them the barren lands just happen to have paved paths they can skate along. They all unite, but are soon on the run from the E-Police.

The main reason to watch this movie is for its cast of young actors who went onto bigger and better things (although for some fame would be fleeting).

Jason Patric, in his feature film debut, is the leader of the Solar Babies, the imaginatively-named Jason. His girlfriend is Terra, played by Jami Gertz, who of course would reunite romantically with Patric in THE LOST BOYS a year later.

Other Solar Babies include Tug (Peter DeLuise, 21 JUMP STREET) and Metron (James LeGros, POINT BREAK), while Adrian Pasdar (a year before NEAR DARK) plays the mysterious bird-loving Darstar.

James Van Der Beek lookalike Peter Kowanko (AMITYVILLE 3D) appears as Jason's antagonistic rival Gavial, a member of the Nazi Youth-esque junior division of the E-Police, while character actor Charles Durning (THE FINAL COUNTDOWN) is the orphanage warden. THE YOUNG ONES regular Alexei Sayle and Bruce Payne (ONE TOUGH BASTARD) are bounty hunters and the late Richard Jordan (LOGAN'S RUN) is top-billed as E-Police leader Grock.

The costumes are also good, and the sets are damn impressive - someone on the IMDB boards suggested this movie was made up of deleted scenes from MAD MAX 3: BEYOND THUNDERDOME, which is a load of hokey, but the sets here definitely wouldn't out of place in that flick.

But don't be fooled. This is a rollerskating movie and much of the action is set up to show off stunts on skates. Luckily the stunts don't detract from the storyline and are much better handled than in PRAYER OF THE ROLLER BOYS.

If you're looking for cheese, skip past SOLAR WARRIORS, but if you're looking for family-friendly scifi with a point of difference (roller skating), check it out.

July 28 - VHS update

2011-07-28T17:30:00.000+12:00

July 25 - The Woman (2011)

2011-07-28T07:43:00.003+12:00

The Woman (2011)
Director: Lucky McKee
Format: Cinema

It's a rare occasion that I head out to the cinema these days. Before I head off into a grumpy old man grumble about talking teenagers, cellphones etc, let's just say one of the reasons I set up a home cinema in my basement was because I had my fill of "public" cinema experiences.

That being said, my wife and I do venture out of the basement once or twice a year to check out some of the offerings at the New Zealand Film Festival. Two years ago we saw the schlocktastic Troll 2 on the big screen, which remains easily my favourite cinema-going experience, right up there with going to see ET at the age of six.

This year we picked two movies, the first being Lucky McKee's infamous The Woman. I picked it because of McKee's name being attached to it and because the synopsis sounded interesting. The controversy over some douche walking out of a Sundance screening (and bellyaching about the film being misogynistic - check it out on youtube) wasn't a major factor in the decision, but definitly added to the intrigue.

The Woman tells the story of a feral, animalistic woman who is captured by the patriach of what appears to be an average American family living in suburbia on the verge of a forest. The father chains her up in the barn, as he and his family seek to "civilise" the woman.

But under their shiny facade is a less-than-healthy family dynamic. Mom is a meek victim of constant verbal, emotional and occasionally-physical abuse. Teen daughter is keeping a pregnancy secret - could dear old Dad be the father? Pre-teen son is a sadistic psychopath learning his dad's bad habits.

The Woman is based on a Jack Ketchum novel. I have to confess I've never read a Ketchum novel, or, until The Woman, seen a film adaption of one of his books. I have read an article or two about The Girl Next Door though, and understand that one's quite sadistic. My impression after watching The Woman is that Ketchum is one messed up guy.

Alright, so the hype about The Woman is that it's shocking. It probably is to some people, but if you've seen the likes of Takashi Miike's Audition or Lars von Trier's Anti Christ, you won't be shocked here. There is sadistic violence, sure, but nothing verging on "torture porn".

What makes The Woman work so well are the characterisations and the acting of them. Sean Bridgers, while eerily looking quite like Will Ferrell, is great as the twisted Dad. Angela Bettis (McKee's leading lady in the great MAY) gives a sedated performance as the much-maligned Mom. But stealing the spotlight is Zach Rand as their son Brian, easily the most messed-up of the characters. Rand gives off a creepy vibe with a magnificently-subtle performance. And just as Bridgers kept reminding me of Ferrell, Pollyanna McIntosh, who plays The Woman, looks quite like Milla Jovovich.

Is The Woman horror? Not really. There's not much in the way of suspense at all. It is definitely a comedy, albeit a dark and twisted black comedy. Any movie that can show a husband beating his wife mercilessly and then have you laughing out loud seconds later is hard to pigeonhole. But it works because the father's actions are so ludicrous, but at the same time quite believable.

The Woman won't be to everyone's liking, but if you've got a messed up sense of humor it might just hit your funny bone. It did mine.

July 23 - VHS update

2011-07-23T11:20:00.001+12:00

A whole heapin' o' VHS in this latest collection update video!

July 18 - Dead Space (1991)

2011-07-20T21:14:00.004+12:00

The cover of my VHS copy of Dead Space

Dead Space (1991)
Director: Fred Gallo
Format: VHS (Video Box Office)

If you've been following my blog for a while, you probably know that I'm an unashamed fan of Roger Corman (as shown by my Cormania movie marathon), as any true b-movie fan should be. The King of B Movies is, was and always will be the man when it comes to cutting corners and getting results on low budgets.

Dead Space is a prime example of Corman's recycling abilities. Not his skill at deftly sorting plastic and glass ahead of trash day, his ability to take his earlier projects and reuse footage/scripts/ideas time and time again.

To the uninformed Dead Space plays like a straight forward ripoff of Alien. Heck, Alien and Aliens have been ripped off (badly) so many times, it's a safe bet to think Fred Gallo went that way here, right?

Wrong. What we have here is in fact a remake of an Alien ripoff, which reuses footage from a Star Wars ripoff. Got all that?

Roger Corman is the common thread. He's Executive Producer here and Dead Space is a remake of his 1982 effort Forbidden World (which was clearly inspired by Alien). There's spaceship fight scenes lifted from Battle Beyond the Stars, another Corman masterpiece.

This is the feature film debut of director Fred Gallo (who went on to helm such quality fare as DRACULA RISING and STARQUEST II). It stars Marc Singer (BEASTMASTER, V) as a Han Solo-esque wise-cracking spaceship commander named Krieger (who instead of a Wookie companion has a robot buddy named Tinpan). They respond to a distress call and travel to a planet where scientists have created a kind of mutant virus that has broken free and is out of control.

The virus quickly takes monster form and it's up to Krieger and Tinpan to help the scientists survive. Among them is a pretty female scientist who quickly becomes Krieger's love interest (played by Laura May Tate of SUBSPECIES) and another played by future TV star Bryan Cranston (of Malcolm in the Middle and Breaking Bad fame).

Dead Space does it level best to be Alien, but of course it falls short. It's a copy of a copy and like a third-generation videotape it's watchable in parts but unwatchable in others. Singer is as solid as ever, the support cast is good enough, and there are fleeting moments of claustrophobic dread, but what really lets Dead Space down (but also adds to the cheese factor) is the alien/monster effects.

Whereas Alien and its sequels had top notch monster effects, here you get rubber puppets with barely any movement. It's impossible to take it seriously and it pushes Dead Space from scifi/horror to unintentional comedy pretty quickly.

It's a shame, because there's nothing overly campy or cheesy about the rest of the movie. Decent monster effects could have made this a good movie. Instead it's stuck halfway between being good and being so bad it's good. I guess that leaves it being just plain bad, but at the same time there's a certain charm to Dead Space and it's not a complete waste of time.

Previews on my VHS: Double Impact, The Taking of Beverly Hills, Boyz in the Hood, The Unborn, Disturbed, Mystery Date

July 15 - Slither (2006)

2011-07-18T21:58:00.002+12:00

Slither (2006)
Director: James Gunn
Format: DVD

This is one of those movies I've seen around a lot over the past five years and have always been intrigued by the great cover art, but our paths just haven't crossed. I bought it on DVD a few weeks back and tonight popped it in seeking a fun, popcorn movie night for me and the wife.

And boy we weren't disappointed! What a great, fun movie. It's a clear homage to the scifi movies of the 50s and 60s, with lots of humour and gore. There's so many influences it'd be hard to list them all, but the best I can do is describe it as Night of the Creeps meets The Blob meets Night of the Living Dead meets Tremors.

A comet crashes to earth and some kind of slug-like creature emerges to wreak havoc on a small rural American town. The colourfully-named Grant Grant (Michael Rooker, HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER) is infected and begins changing into a blob-like creature that feeds off stray animals. Determined to stop him are his wife Starla (Elizabeth Banks, SPIDERMAN) and her childhood flame, now the town sheriff, Bill (Nathan Fillion, SERENITY). But soon thousands of alien slugs are scurrying around town, slithering into the mouths of people and turning them into zombies.

Rooker is as great as ever, Banks does a good job as the attractive damsel in distress and I actually liked Fillion in this. I haven't seen Firefly or Serenity, but I find him gratingly smarmy in his TV series CASTLE. Here his dry humor works with the outrageous things happening around him. The highlight of the acting is definitely the performance of Gregg Henry (RAISING CAIN) as the weaselly town mayor.

Writer/director James Gunn (the screenwriter on the DAWN OF THE DEAD remake) has to be commended for making this so much fun without making it overtly silly. Sure, there's some wacky stuff that goes on, but mostly it's played straight with moments of humour. There's no T&A, but oodles of gore (a man gets split in half, a woman explodes etc).

All in all this is one of the most fun movie nights I've had in a while.

July 14 - American Cyborg: Steel Warrior (1993)

2011-07-18T21:53:00.003+12:00

The cover of my VHS copy of American Cyborg: Steel Warrior

American Cyborg: Steel Warrior (1993)
Director: Boaz Davidson
Format: VHS (Cannon)

Just one of many in a long line of low budget early 90s scifi actioners directly inspired by Terminator 2: Judgement Day, this clumsily-titled flick is an above average effort, filmed in Tel Aviv, Israel by Palestinian director Boaz Davidson.

It's one of two scifi movies Davidson helmed in the space of three years, the other one being the Michael Pare vehicle Lunar Cop (which I've previously reviewed). This one is a major improvement over that - my major gripe with Lunar Cop was its unfuturistic future sets, but here the sets are dark and dirty as they should be in a post-apocalyptic tale.

The male lead, Joe Lara, is also a big improvement on Pare. Lara's not going to win any acting awards, but he's believable as a brooding action hero.

After derivative opening narration that fills us in about mankind going sterile and cyborgs now ruling the roost, we meet Mary (Nicole Hansen). She's humankind's last hope, a pregnant female (although her creepy-as-hell fetus is out of her body and riding around in a plastic jar). She needs to get to the port of the ravaged city to catch a ride to Europe, but out to stop her is a cyborg (John Saint Ryan, DELTA FORCE 3).

To Mary's rescue comes street warrior Austin (Lara, STEEL FRONTIER) and together they battle their way through the city to get to the port, encountering various cyberpunk-esque characters along the way and battling the chasing cyborg. Naturally they fall in love in the process and there's a nice plot twist towards the end.

The acting is good for a movie with such a low budget (and missing any big name actors) and, as I previously mentioned, the post-apocalyptic cityscape sets are nicely done. The fight scenes are good enough, mainly consisting of gunfights and martial arts. My only real gripe is that the cyborg could have been more menacing - he just plain sucks at shooting people only a few feet away and struggles to beat a puny guy like Austin in hand-to-hand combat. He does have a nice spin kick though, something Arnie never had.

There's no gore to speak of and the closest we get to T&A is Hansen showing off some decent cleavage and pouring water over herself. This movie rates low on the unintentional humour front and there's not much in the way of cheesiness. It's just a solid low budget scifi actioner which did enough to keep me interested from start to finish.

Previews on my VHS: Stalin, The Bodyguard, Unforgiven, To The Death, Tommyknockers

July 10 - Death Cheaters (1976)

2011-07-18T21:25:00.002+12:00

The cover of my VHS copy of Death Cheaters

Death Cheaters (1976)
Director: Brian Trenchard-Smith
Format: VHS (Syme Home Video)

Director Brian Trenchard-Smith is a cult favorite when it comes to Australian movies. In the early 80s he helmed a couple of Ozploitation classics in 1980's Stunt Rock and 1982's remarkably offbeat Turkey Shoot (known in the US as Escape 2000 and in the UK as Blood Camp Thatcher), before turning to more family-friendly fare like 1983's BMX Bandits (starring a teenaged Nicole Kidman) and 1986's Frog Dreaming. By the 90s he had made his way to Hollywood, only to be stuck with dreck like Night of the Demons 2 and Leprechaun 4: In Space.

But before taking on any of the aforementioned films, Trenchard-Smith directed, wrote (and had a cameo in) this 1976 Australian actioner. Essentially it's a series of stunt set-pieces - car chases, abseling down inner-city buildings, furniture-destroying fistfights, guy getting run over, explosions, hang gliding etc - strung together by a flimsy plot.

Mustachioed Steve (John Hargreaves, LONG WEEKEND) and Rod (Grant Page, ROAD GAMES) are two Vietnam vet stuntman buddies who are hired by a spy named Culpepper (Noel Ferrier, TURKEY SHOOT) to go on a covert mission to the Philippines. They have to steal some secret papers or something of that nature.

Before that they undergo training (more excuse for stunt set pieces) and then catch a ride in a submarine. When they get to "The Philippines" (actually filmed in Australia) the action is restricted to some cliffs and a factory/mill, as they battle hordes of baddies, with plenty of nice, big explosions.

Everything is played tongue-in-cheek, with the two leads kidding around like they're in some kind of stuntman buddy movie. It works for the most part, just don't expect too much in the way of plot. The biggest problem is the lull in action that occurs midway through, but aside from that there's enough action to keep things interesting.

There are some unintentional laughs to be had - look out for the hilariously outdated gym equipment and the 70s fashions (Rod's array of pirate-like puffy shirts in particular).

But of course the high point is the stunts. Much of the credit for that falls to Grant Page, an experienced stuntman with 56 films under his belt. He was stunt co-ordinator for the first and third Mad Max movies.

Trenchard-Smith went on to create much better fare than this, but Death Cheaters is worth a watch to see this Ozploitation legend's early work.

July 10 - VHS collection update

2011-07-10T20:07:00.001+12:00

I've decided to start making videos showing some of the movies I add to my collection. First up is a look at some of the VHS tapes I've added this past week.

July 6 - One Tough Bastard (1996)

2011-07-08T18:31:00.003+12:00

The cover of my VHS copy of One Tough Bastard

One Tough Bastard (1996)
Director: Kurt Wimmer
Format: VHS (Video Box Office)

In the late 1980s, Brian "Boz" Bosworth and MC Hammer were seemingly on top of the world. College football standout Bosworth signed what at the time was the biggest rookie contract to play in the NFL, and Hammer was a successful rapper on the verge of superstardom via U Can't Touch This.

Fast forward a few years to 1996 and both men had fallen from grace in a big way. Bosworth's NFL career ended after three years where he was more famous for his off-the-field antics than his playing and Hammer's chart success didn't stretch beyond the initial buzz.

But hey, it's a good thing for us that it turned out that way, because otherwise they wouldn't have ended up acting together in this direct-to-video action revenge flick!

Also known by its TV-friendly title of One Man's Justice, this is director Kurt Wimmer's debut (he has since helmed two more movies, the latest being the 2006 Milla Jovovich vehicle Ultraviolet).

Boz - trading in his trademark spikey mullet for a more conventional do - is Sergeant John North, an army drill sergeant and hand-to-hand combat expert whose wife and daughter are murdered after stumbling on a shady arms deal. North discovers the man who murdered them, Marcus (Jeff Kober, ALIEN NATION) is working for crooked FBI agent Karl Savak (Bruce Payne), who in turn is working for crime kingpin Dexter Kane (Hammer!).

North naturally wants to mete out some good ol' revenge, while Savak and Kane want a stolen shipment of special guns. Also thrown into the mix is a young streetsmart kid (DeJuan Guy, CANDYMAN) who is running drugs for the gang, but who North takes under his wing. North ends up in jail but busts out, the bad guys double and then triple cross each other, and naturally everything leads to a final showdown between North and the men who killed his family.

The plot, acting and action in One Tough Bastard is all pretty good, but what really makes it fun is the hammy performance of Payne, sporting a nose ring and a blonde mullet (perhaps Boz's missing locks migrated to Payne's scalp) and half-whispering his lines with sarcastic evil.

While Bosworth isn't very good at emoting, he's an above-average action star and handles his role well enough, including the fight scenes. The supporting cast is good - Kober always makes a good sleazy bad guy and even Hammer is enjoyable with his curse-riddled performance (I always thought he left music to become a minister - I guess not). Look out for familiar character actor MC Gainey (CON AIR) in the briefest of on-screen appearances early in the movie, and Neal McDonough (WALKING TALL) in an early movie role.

There are better action movies out there but this one's worth seeing to witness Bruce Payne's performance. And hey, it's not every day you get to watch a movie starring both Brian Bosworth and MC Hammer, right?

Previews on my VHS: SFW, Money Train, Mute Witness, Chicken, Devil in a Blue Dress, Death Machine, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh, Jumanji.

July 4 - On the Line (1984)

2011-07-04T23:13:00.003+12:00

The cover of my VHS copy of On the Line

On the Line (1984)
Director: Jose Luis Borau
Format: VHS (CBS/Fox)

Don't be fooled by that cover - this US-Spanish-Australian production is more of a love story than an action movie. And David Carradine? He's in it for less than a third of the movie's 98-minute running time.

This rare English language outing for Spanish director Jose Luis Borau was filmed in Australia (doubling for the US-Mexican border). It has some moments of good action, but they are few and far between in a script that is essentially a Romeo & Juliet tale set in the grimy border town of Laredo.

Chuck (Jeff Delger, making his one and only movie appearance) and Jonathan (Paul Richardson) are a pair of young guys who head to the border town in search of a bit of excitement. They meet up with Chuck's uncle Bryant (the late David Carradine, KILL BILL), who makes his living as a coyote (people smuggler). They also meet Mitch (Scott Wilson, YOUNG GUNS 2), a border patrol cop, who likes to use his small plane to catch immigrants.

The young duo train to be border patrol officers but end up in a sticky situation when Jonathan unknowingly shoots at Bryant as he busts through a blockade, which gets Bryant arrested and an illegal immigrant killed in the process. Meanwhile, Chuck falls in love with a Mexican hooker named Engracia (gorgeous Spanish actress Victoria Abril) and soon learns that while his uncle is a lawbreaker, Mitch isn't much of a stand-up guy himself.

Chuck marries Engracia but Mitch - who lusts after the lovely lady himself - is out to stop them from ever finding happiness. Can they escape his clutches and live happily ever after or is this cross-border love affair forever doomed?

Once I realised the action flick the cover had promised me wasn't materialising, I enjoyed this movie for what it was - a tragic love story set amidst the interesting backdrop of the US-Mexican border. Life for those caught up in this daily cat and mouse game makes for fascinating plot fodder.

The acting is good. Carradine is his usual brooding self. Abril is beautiful and convincing as the hooker with a heart of gold and Delger starts off wide-eyed and gets stronger as the movie goes on (why did this guy not make any more movies?). The main couple do an adequate job of making us care about their plight. Wilson is the glue that keeps it all together, playing Mitch as flawed by not cartoonishly evil.

Look out for supporting roles by legendary character actor and former Hollywood blacklist victim Sam Jaffe (THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL) in his last movie role before his death at the age of 93, and X-FILES regular Mitch Peliggi as a border cop.

This movie is on DVD, but all the reviews I've read indicate the DVD is cut to shreds (including slicing out the few scenes of nudity). The VHS seems to be the way to go to see this as it was intended, although I'm not too sure how easy this one is to track down.

Previews on my VHS: Enemy Mine, The Right of the People, Recruits (oh boy, this Police Academy rip-off looks dreadful).

June 30 - Zipperface (1992)

2011-07-04T23:09:00.002+12:00

The cover of my VHS copy of Zipperface

Zipperface (1992)
Director: Mansour Pourmand
Format: VHS (CBL)

This low-budget flick can't make its mind up whether it wants to be horror, action, romance or a cop flick. Ultimately it fails at all of them.

Mansour Pourmand wrote, directed and produced this, his only filmmaking credit, which stars a bunch of unknown actors and was shot on video on a low budget.

Dona Adams (making her first and only movie appearance) is Lisa Ryder, a go-getter female cop who is promoted to detective by a vote-hungry female mayor. That pisses off most of the male cops she works with, but she doesn't have time to worry about that, because there's a killer in a gimp mask knocking off hookers.

That's pretty much all there is to the plot. Lots of other characters are thrown into the mix - including Michael Walker (Jonathon Mandell), a photographer who Ryder falls in love with; Ryder's partner Harry Shine (David Clover, LOCH NESS MONSTER); and chauvanistic cop Scalia (Richard Vidan, SCARECROWS) - but they're mostly there to act as red herrings.

The acting is for the most part atrocious, with Adams the main culprit. It's not hard to see why this is her only credit. The few special effects are Z-grade (including a laughable decapitation effect). The music is a Richard Band-esque keyboard musical score by Jim Halfpenny (who went on to score such masterpieces as Little Bigfoot 2: The Journey Home). And the fact it's shot on video gives it that distracting TV movie look.

My main complaint is that for a movie about a killer in a gimp mask, it's just not sleazy enough. There are lots and lots of scantily-clad women but only Adams gets her kit off (for run-of-the-mill sex scenes) and everything else is just too PG-rated for a movie of this kind. Sleaze it up people!

There are some moments of unintentional humor, mainly from the dialogue (which features such great back-and-forth patter as "You like being a cop?", replied with "Yeah"), but they are few and far between. It's all a bit ho hum really and the only thing that'll probably keep you watching to the end is the mystery of who's behind the mask. Trust me, even that's a let down, so feel free to skip this one.

June 28 - Born a Ninja (1987)

2011-06-29T12:20:00.003+12:00

The cover of my VHS copy of Born a Ninja

Born a Ninja (1987)
Director: Lo Gio
Format: VHS (City Lites)

Talk about a hard movie to research. I looked up the name on IMDB and was taken to a Godfrey Ho movie from 1989, but the plot outline didn't gel at all. Then I looked up the director and actors... nothing. A google search turned up a few random snippets of information, but they left me even more confused than when I started.

What I do know from watching this Hong Kong movie is that it's a Godfrey Ho-type cut and paste job. The main plot is about a guy named Tanaka who is trying to get hold of a formula, while some bad guys are also after it. This part would seem to come from a TV series or movie called Born Invincible, which might be a sequel to something called both Risky Commando and American Commando Ninja. The reason I'm not sure if it's a movie or TV series is the camerawork, lighting and film stock all point to TV rather than a movie.

The other part has a camoflaged ninja fighting a white ninja. The origin of this material I'm not sure. Given his cut and paste job it is entirely possible that "Lo Gio" is Godfrey Ho (who is renowned for c&ping bits of movies into incoherent messes - see my review of Instant Rage). The on-screen credits list Joseph Lai as a producer and Steven Soul as the writer, and they both worked a lot with Ho, so I'm going with that theory, although there is a noticable absence of Richard Harrison, Ho's go-to guy for dozens of flicks in the late 80s.

But let's put all of that aside, along with our brains, because Born a Ninja is one fantastically-crazy mess of a movie. Forget about trying to figure out what the hell is going on with the plot and just enjoy what's happening on screen, and there's a whole heapin' helpin' of fun to be had here.

There's lots of 80s fashions (bright fluoro clothing, bad hair and makeup) to giggle at, the music almost never fits what is happening on screen and there are more over-dramatic extreme close-ups than in your average Mexican soap opera.

Here are just some of the other highlights:
- One of the ninjas can not only disappear in a puff of smoke, but he can also disappear and replace himself instantly by a straw dummy!
- Lots and lots of slow motion and wacky sound effects!
- A dude breathing fire (not like a firebreather performer, like a dragon!)
- Some kind of hand-off goes down between two guys sitting in bumper boats!
- A guy catches the blade of a sword in his mouth, then deep-throats it without any effect!
- One of the girls looks like an Asian Valley girl, but her dubbed-in voice is uber-posh English!
- "Hey Larry, great job, two chicks at the same time" (a similar one-liner to one in Instant Rage, again convincing me this is a Godfrey Ho flick).
- Two ninjas fighting in front of a waterfall (another similarity with Instant Rage).

I really have to reiterate that those are just some of the highlights. There's so much happening on screen of the WTF variety that by the time the movie ends (without credits) you're left slack-jawed wondering what on earth just happened.

I'm not sure how easy this one is to find (I doubt it's on DVD), but it's a must for any fan of bizarre, nonsensical ninja flicks.

June 27 - Contagion (1987)

2011-06-28T22:37:00.003+12:00

The cover of my VHS copy of Contagion

Contagion (1987)
Director: Karl Zwicky
Format: VHS (CBS/Fox)

What starts off as a killer-in-the-Australian-outback flick in the style of Wolf Creek, with elements of Deliverance, soon turns into The Shining in the Australian outback, in this rare Ozploitation offering.

John Doyle (who according to IMDB went on to semi-fame playing a recurring character, Roy Slaven, on various Australian TV shows) is real estate agent Mark, who is driving along a deserted road one night when he sees a girl being attacked. He tries to intervene but falls foul of a group of feral bush people (which is where the Deliverance part comes in - even down to the butt-rape).

Escaping, Mark ends up at a beautiful mansion owned by eccentric multi-millionaire Roderick Bael (Veteran actor Ray Barrett, THE REPTILE, also the voice of John Tracey on the 1960s THUNDERBIRDS TV series). It is also home to a pair of alluring platinum blonde babes, both of which Mark ends up in bed with.

Soon Mark is promised wealth and all the naughty times he can wish for, but there's a price. To make his every wish come true, he has to start murdering the people in his old life.

His girlfriend (Nicola Bartlett) finds the "mansion" and tries to save her man, but is he victim to an evil trio of people, or something more supernatural? Or is Mark just plain going crazy?

The plot is different enough to be interesting from start to finish, kind of like an extended Twilight Zone episode, only set in the Australian outback. That setting makes for a great sense of remoteness, adding to the sense of dread, while director Karl Zwicky (best known for directing and producing Aussie soap operas) employs some excellent camerawork that adds to the suspense and intensity.

The acting is also excellent, particularly Doyle and Barrett. The women at the "mansion" are quite hot and get their kit off regularly. There are a couple of nice kills (including the use of a fire extinguisher) and enough blood and gore to keep most horror fans happy.

Previews on my VHS tape: War of the Roses, Nightwish, Nightbreed, The Cook The Thief His Wife and Her Lover

June 26 - Kickboxer 2: The Road Back (1991)

2011-06-26T19:32:00.005+12:00

The very wrinkly cover of my VHS copy of Kickboxer 2

Kickboxer 2: The Road Back (1991)
Director: Albert Pyun
Format: VHS (First Release)

Sasha Mitchell (the goofy brother on 90s TV comedy STEP BY STEP) takes over from Jean Claude Van Damme in this sequel to 1989's Kickboxer. He plays David Sloan, younger brother of JCVD's character Kurt (who we learn died in Thailand, shot by the man he defeated at the climax of the first movie, Tong Po).

A retired kickboxer himself, David owns his own run-down gym, where he trains fighters and helps out local kids, but the business is struggling. Out of desperation he gets back into the ring to fight for ruthless promoter Justin Maciah (Peter Boyle, the hiliarously-grumpy dad on TV's EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND).

When he beats Maciah's champion (Mattias Hues, DIGITAL MAN) and badmouths the crooked organisation, Maciah's men attack David and burn down his gym, killing a young student.

In comes his brother's former teacher from Thailand (Dennis Chan, reprising his role from the first movie) to help him recuperate. David is reluctant ("you didn't do my brothers any good") but eventually agrees to the guy's unconventional training methods, while an ambitious former student of David's (Vince Murdocco) trains under Maciah's people makes his way up to the championship match (via one of dozens of montages in this flick).

When Maciah's business partner (the always great Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, SHOWDOWN IN LITTLE TOKYO) pulls a switch in the championship match, bringing in Tong Po (Michael Qissi, also reprising the role), David's former student is destroyed and killed in the ring.

It soon becomes clear the whole thing was a setup to get David in the ring with Tong Po, so the Thai fighter can finish off the Sloan family (remember he also killed Eric, which was Kurt's motivation in the first movie).

The finale has David and Tong Po facing off in an unsanctioned muay thai match (with the by-now familiar broken glass-encrusted fists), with a twist that is well foreshadowed.

The fights in Kickboxer 2 are well-done, but that's not surprising considering most of the participants were actual martial artists (Mitchell was an amateur kickboxing champ and taekwondo black belt, Hues was a world kickboxing champ and Murdocco was North American kickboxing champ).

The plot is also very good, written by David S Goyer, who went on to pen the Blade trilogy, Batman Begins and the Dark Knight. The acting is top notch, particularly Boyle and Tagawa, who are great as the "bad guys in suits".

My only minor complaint is Mitchell's way of talking reminds me of Keanu Reeves in that it makes him sound like a surfer dude (maybe due to his California accent), which doesn't help me take him seriously as an asskicker. But otherwise he has good screen presence and, while he's no JVCD, he does a good job of taking over the lead in this series (3 more sequels followed in the 1990s, 2 with Mitchell).

Keep your eyes peeled for a very young future Mr Megan Fox, Brian Austin Green (BEVERLY HILLS 90210) in a brief role in the opening moments.

There's not much in the way of cheesiness (aside from the great, cheesy songs that play during the opening and closing credits), but Kickboxer 2 is just a solid martial arts actioner.

Previews on my VHS tape: Mortal Thoughts, Switch, The Commitments, Barton Fink, The Addams Family, Bingo!

June 21 - Door to Door (1985)

2011-06-26T19:25:00.002+12:00

The cover of my VHS copy of Door to Door

Door to Door (1985)
Director: Patrick Bailey
Format: VHS (Media)

I have a soft spot for 80s comedies. Even those that I don't necessarily find overly-funny (Meatballs 3: Summer Job, Summer School, Up the Creek) usually have a certain charm to them (and quite often some nice T&A to go with the cheese factor).

I bought Door to Door primarily because it's quite rare. I had low expectations going into it. But there's a reason this one isn't out on DVD - it's a snoozefest. Not only does the comedy fall flat, but it's all done in a G-rated way, so there's not even any toilet humour or sleaziness to fall back on.

The biggest problem is the plot. Arliss Howard (LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK) plays a down-on-his-luck travelling salesman who pairs up with a veteran of the trade (Ron Leibman, UP THE ACADEMY) to hit the road and try to sell vacuum cleaners.

The bulk of the running time consists of these two visiting people and trying to make a sale. Then Howard's character falls for a girl (Jane Kaczmarek, the mom on Malcolm in the Middle) who is the niece of an elderly woman his partner is trying to swindle. Usually that would lead to some kind of zany hijinks, but not so here. It's all very run of the mill.

Arliss Howard is likeable enough, but Leibman's character is a con-artist and not even a likeable one at that. I didn't end up caring about any of the characters, which is always a problem. And sorry, but I couldn't look at Jane Kaczmarek without thinking of her Malcolm in the Middle character (one of the most unlikable TV parts of all time), which is another problem when her character in Door to Door is supposed to be a sweet, innocent love interest.

I don't say this often, but I really do wish I could have the hour and a half back that I spent watching this dreck.

About the only interesting thing that came out of watching it was when I was reading through its credits on IMDB and noticed a strange, unexplained connection with Antonio Margheriti's 1980 gutmuncher Cannibal Apocalypse. Five or six of the cast of Door to Door (who are in mainly small roles) also acted together in that earlier cannibalfest. There's no connection between the directors, writers or producers of the two movies that I could find and you couldn't get more different films in terms of genres and content matter, so how did this happen? Beats me.

Anyway, if you ever come across Door to Door, do yourself a favour and skip it.

June 20 - The People Who Own The Dark

2011-06-21T15:40:00.003+12:00

The People Who Own The Dark (1976)
Director: Leon Klimovsky
Format: AVI (VHSrip)

Alright, a bit of full disclosure to start - I don't think I've seen a Paul Naschy movie until now. I know, I know, that's pretty shocking for any serious fan of horror movies. I'm well versed in the Italian branch of the Euro horror family tree, particularly the giallos of Argento, Fulci, Bava etc. But I've been quite lax in my efforts to investigate the Spanish branch, despite regularly hearing Naschy's name bandied around with that of fellow countryman Jeff Franco (another hole in my viewing experience).

Anyway, that admission aside, I do realise that The People Who Own The Dark is not a typical Naschy film. Here he has something of a supporting role, and a convetional one at that, but he does team up with regular collaborator Klimovsky, the Argentinian director who directed eight of his films.

The People Who Own The Dark is an effective post-nuclear survival tale that throws together a group of rich, influential men (including Naschy; Alberto de Mendoza, THE CASE OF THE SCORPION'S TAIL; and Antonio Mayans, ZOMBIE LAKE) with a number of beautiful models for a weekend of pleasure in the basement of a castle somewhere in Europe - kind of an upmarket swingers' retreat.

But before they can get down to business, nuclear war breaks out. The guests are safe in their underground bunker, but everyone else in the surrounding countryside, including a nearby village, is left blind by the blast.

Venturing out to get supplies, the group of protagonists soon realises these blinded, half-insane villagers are not interested in becoming facebook friends. They want to kill the sighted (how they know the difference is beyond me, but what the heck).

Barricading themselves in the castle, the non-blind soon have to cope with the growing tension and paranoia in their group, as well as the villagers when they come looking for blood. Well, not exactly looking. More like stumbling.

Naschy is great as the snake of the group, who is only interested in saving his own skin. The women are all beautiful, none moreso than German softcore queen Nadiuska (who also played Arnie's mother in CONAN THE BARBARIAN), who is the only one to get fully un-kitted. The female cast also includes Julia Saly (NIGHT OF THE WEREWOLF), Diana Polakov (in a supporting role four years before her feature role in the rip-roaring SUPERSONIC MAN) and Teresa Gimpera (CRYPT OF THE LIVING DEAD). Maria Perschy (MURDERS IN THE RUE MORGUE) is simply stunning as the host of the party.

Klimovsky does a very good job of building suspense and dread with material that could have come off as corny. Scenes of dozens of blinded people surrounding a main character while waving walking sticks above their heads could have been campy, but instead is quite chilling.

Comparisons with Night of the Living Dead are unavoidable. Trade zombies for staggering blind people, Pennsylvania for the European countryside and a farmhouse for a castle and you've got basically the same plot. Even the ending is similarly-bleak.

But while it may be a ripoff of sorts, The People Who Own The Dark is effectively filmed with a great cast, so is definitely worth checking out.

June 18 - Zarkorr! The Invader (1996)

2011-06-21T14:53:00.003+12:00

The cover of my VHS copy of Zarkorr! The Invader

Zarkorr! The Invader (1996)
Directors: Michael Deak, Aaron Osborne
Format: VHS (Video Unlimited)

What would happen if Full Moon, the now-defunct production company responsible for a string of demon doll movies (Puppetmaster series, Dollman vs Demonic Toys etc), went to the other end of the scale with a Godzilla-esque rubber suit monster flick?

Luckily for me, I won't have to go to my grave without ever knowing the answer to that question, because I've now seen Zarkorr! The Invader.

After the titular Zarkorr ("185 feet tall, 300 tons & deadly laser eyes" the front cover screams) busts its way out of the side of a mountain, New Jersey postal worker Tommy Ward (Rhys Pugh) is visited by a pint-sized alien who tells him he's been chosen to save mankind from the monster (apparently because he's the most average person on the planet).

He kidnaps a crypto-zoologist (Deprise Grossman) and enlists a cop to help his cause. They in turn go to a nerdy genius (Charles Schneider, BRIDE OF RE-ANIMATOR) and spend what seems like an age in his laboratory talking about how to beat Zarkorr. Determining that they need to go to Arizona to find the monster's off-switch (or some such baloney), our trio impersonate government agents and head off. They find some kind of egg and use it to defeat Zarkorr. The End.

While the plot has a few quirky elements, it doesn't throw up any surprises. The actors are a bunch of nobodies. In fact the male and female leads have no other credits to their names. Schneider is the standout, both for giving the most lively performance and the most grating one. Boy does he ham it up bigtime.

The one thing that I will forever associate with Full Moon movies is chintzy keyboard music. Zarkorr doesn't disappoint on that front, with Richard Band once again twinkling the keys with cheesy enthusiasm.

And what about the monster effects? This is a man-in-rubber-suit monster mash right? Yes it is, and there are enough shots of Zarkorr laying the smackdown on model buildings to keep most kaijuu fans happy.

Zarkorr doesn't take itself seriously and has the right vibe for what it is - a low budget American homage to Toho movies (Godzilla, Mothra etc). Go into it with the right mindset and you're in for a fun time.

June 16 - Paul Kyriazi double feature

2011-06-17T19:20:00.004+12:00

Paul Kyriazi's directorial output amounted to five movies in a 14-year period and none of them are easy to find. Luckily I happen to own two of them on VHS. It's Double Feature time!

The cover of my VHS copy of Death Machines

Death Machines (1976)
Director: Paul Kyriazi
Format: VHS (K-Tel)

I always know I'm onto a low-budget gem when I check IMDB and find that most of the actors in a movie have only a couple more credits to their name. That's the case with Death Machines, the debut effort from director Paul Kyriazi.

The Death Machines (who, according to the back of my VHS "are the ultimate exterminators") are three superhuman hitmen who use martial arts, guns and more to do the bidding of their evil mistress, a giant-haired Oriental dragon lady (played by Mari Honjo - check out http://www.marihonjo.com/ to read the real-life story of her disappearance). She's in turn taking orders from a shady guy who never shows his face, but that has no bearing on the plot.

The Death Machines are the imaginatively-named White Death Machine (Ron Marchini, NINJA WARRIORS), Asian Death Machine (Michael Chong, TO LIVE AND DIE IN LA) and Black Death Machine (Joshua Johnson, THE WEAPONS OF DEATH).

These three cool dudes, who are impervious to bullets, start off by knocking off the hitmen of a rival ganglord. They hurl one hitman off a roof, blow up the next one with a bazooka(!) and then take out a guy in a phone booth with a bulldozer(!).

Then they massacre a whole dojo full of ineffectua karate students, but one of the students survives, albeit minus one of his hands. This one-handed dude (John Lowe) vows revenge, accompanied by a hot nurse from the hospital he ended up in (played by some mystery, uncredited girl).

The rival crime kingpin, Mr Gioretti (Chuck Katzakian), joins forces with the dragon lady, who orders her Death Machines to kill our hero and his new love. How can a one-handed karate student possibly defeat three undead ninjas?

The plot is nonsensical and full of holes, but never predictable or boring. As a straight action movie there's not much to recommend about Death Machines, but as a cheesefest full of unintentional laughs, it's a goldmine.

The music and fashions are so cringingly 70s, especially Katzakian's super-snazzy suits. The fight scenes are mostly slow-paced and uninspiring, but how can you complain when weapons like bazookas and a bulldozer are thrown into the mix?

Cheesy highlights include:
- A hilarious scene in a police station where White Death Machine takes on a bunch of cops, who end up accidentally shooting each other instead of him.
- The Death Machines take out bikers in a restaurant with a knee-slapping country song playing.
- The lack of chemistry between our hero and his love interest. Their sex scene consists of a silhouetted kiss, then her lying in bed with a look of disgust on her face.

My only gripe is the lack of gore, but at least there's some brief nudity to add to the sleaze factor.

Death Machines is highly recommended for fans of cheesy 70s martial arts action flicks. It's fun from start to finish.

Previews on my VHS: Junkman, Alone in the Dark, The Raiders of Atlantis (aka Atlantis Interceptors, which I reviewed last month).

The cover of my VHS copy of Omega Cop

Omega Cop (1990)
Director: Paul Kyriazi
Format: VHS (Triumph)

Death Machines was Paul Kyriazi's first feature. This is his last (he's still alive according to IMDB, so I guess he could make a return to directing, but after an absence of 21 years that's pretty unlikely).

Omega Cop reunites Kyriazi with two of his stars from Death Machines - Ron Marchini, who played the White Death Machine, and Chuck Katzakian, who played crime boss Mr Gioretti. Marchini is the star, which marks a big change of pace from his silent Death Machines role.

Omega Cop starts with narration by Adam West(!) about the greenhouse effect. Sorry, but I've seen far too much Family Guy to take West seriously. His narration is meant to be heartfelt and scene-setting, but I keep expecting him to say something like "I love this job more than I love taffy ... and I'm a man who enjoys his taffy."

This movie is set in a world which has, in the words of ol' Mayor West, "gone to pot". Solar flares kill anyone who doesn't get undercover in time and drive others crazy if they're burnt. Huh? I'm no scientist but that seems to lack logic. Bah, who needs logic in a b-movie action flick, right?

Anyway, Marchini is John Travis, a cop who loses his three partners during a shoot out at a place where kidnapped women are being auctioned off. He escapes and saves one of the slave women (Meg Thayer, SATURDAY THE 14TH STRIKES BACK), then saves another chick (Jennifer Jostyn, HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES), the daughter of a trader who gets murdered by another gang of scumbags.

With two sassy chicks now in tow, Travis tries unsuccessfully to get back into police headquarters, but his boss (West) is worried they might be infected. So it's off to find the crime boss, Wraith (Katzakian).

But wait, first he has to go get his hat(!) from a group of baddies and... surprise, surprise, rescue another girl. Travis sure is the chivalrous type! He's captured by Wraith's gang, who for some reason take him alive. He escapes and re-unites with his harem of rescued babes, but predictably the baddies snatch up two of the chicks while he's away getting supplies.

So it's up to our knight in tight pants (with the other girl in tow) to do what he does best - rescue the girlies - and take down Wraith. After kicking ass on a few dozen baddies first, naturally.

With a movie like this, it's all about the action and there's a good amount of it here. Like in Death Machines, the fight scenes are wooden and slow, but there's enough punching, kicking, shooting and falling from high places to keep things interesting. That is, when Travis isn't running - there's way too much screen-time taken up with him chasing down people.

The original music by Cecil Ramirez and Ralph Stover (whose only other credits are two more Kyriazi flicks, including the sequel to this, KARATE COP), is hilariously bad and derivative. There's a Beach Boys rip off riff that plays during driving scenes (and the end credits), Leone-esque western music that cues during any kind of stand-off or showdown, the odd bit of Japanese flute to remind us that this is a martial arts flick, and other assorted generic synth music.

The acting is pretty damn bad, but bad enough to add to the cheese value. The worst perpetrator is Katzakian, who grumbles and mumbles while trying to act menacing, and Thayer is easy on the eyes but as wooden as a tree. Marchini's no leading man or action star, but he does a passable job. The best of the actors is Jostyn - it's easy to see why she's had the most successful career out of this cast.

Rugged 50s/60s leading man Stuart Whitman (NIGHT OF THE LEPUS) has a cameo as a doctor who finds out sunscreen isn't a bad thing. Adam West is only onscreen for a short time at the start and end. I'd say that's a shame, but as I mentioned earlier, Family Guy has reduced him to a caricature, so no real loss. Plus, he gets to go out with a bang.

And sorry lads, but there's no nudity here. For a movie about women slaves, it sure could have done with some gratuitous nekkidness. Travis doesn't get anything more than a peck on the cheek from any of his three damsels in distress. How's that for gratitude!

So, to summarise: Bad acting, bad music and action that makes up for its low quality with quantity = a cheesy good time!

Previews on my VHS: Four Weddings and a Funeral, We're Talking Serious Money, Philadelphia, Morning Glory, Warlock, Gunmen, Time Runner, Laser Mission, Wolf, All Tied Up.

June 14 - Highway Racer (1977)

2011-06-15T23:54:00.003+12:00

Highway Racer (1977)
Director: Stelvio Massi
Format: DVD (First Look's Grindhouse Experience Vol 2)

AKA Poliziotto Sprint or Convoy Busters (not to be confused with another Stelvio Massi movie, Un Poliziotto Scomodo, which is also known as Convoy Busters).

I'm a big fan of giallo, spaghetti westerns and jungle/cannibal flicks, but I have to admit I've seen very few from the another Italian genre from the 1970s, the crime and action combination known as Poliziotteschi.

This movie is from that genre, but... well, it's just not very entertaining. I'm hoping it's not a fair representation of the bulk of Poliziotteschi, because it's rather tedious viewing.

Merizio Merli (MANNAJA), who by all accounts got a lot of work because of looking similar to Franco Nero, plays Marco Palma, a hot-headed police driver whose impulsiveness sees him wrecking cars and getting into hot water with his superior officer, Tagliaferri (Giancarlo Spragia).

A group of bank robbers are out-running and frustrating police, led by Jean Paul Dossena (Angelo Infanti, who played the traiterous Fabrizio in THE GODFATHER), an old rival of Tagliaferri. The older officer must mentor Palma, ridding him of his impulses and teaching him to be the ultimate driver. Palma goes undercover in the bank robber gang but his cover is blown, sending him towards a showdown with Dossena.

If the sight of small European sports cars racing through narrow European streets gets your motor running, you might enjoy Convoy Busters, but I can't say it does much for me (I'll admit I despise motor sport in all forms). And the problem is, apart from the car chases, there's not much more to this movie.

There are a few unintentional laughs (such as squealing tyres when cars are on loose metal), and Lilli Carati (who by the looks of her IMDB credits went on to become a regular in erotica) is easy on the eyes as the love interest, although sadly she keeps her clothes on throughout.

If you don't like cars you'll probably find yourself bored to tears with this movie. If you are a car fan, maybe it's worth seeing.

June 13 - Hellhole (1985)

2011-06-15T22:08:00.003+12:00

The cover of my VHS copy of Hellhole

Hellhole (1985)
Director: Pierre De Moro
Format: VHS (Hoyts)

Hellhole is a nifty little women in prison exploitation flick, transplanted from the usual prison setting to a mental hospital, produced by b-movie auteur Samuel Z Arkoff and his son Lou.

Susan (Judy Landers - who looks damn recognisable but I can't place where I know her from, even with the help of IMDB) witnesses her mother being murdered by a sleazeball called Silk (Ray Sharkey) and ends up in a mental institution with amnesia. Silk disguises himself as an orderly to try to find out the location of discriminating papers, but he's not Susan's biggest problem.

The mental hospital is run by the evil Dr Fletcher (Mary Woronov, DEATH RACE 2000), who is turning patients into zombies for her own sexual perversion in a hidden dungeon the patients call Hellhole. Coming to Susan's aid is an orderly (Richard Cox, THE VINDICATOR), and together they try to uncover Dr Fletcher's secret and expose it to the world, while avoiding Silk, some of the nastier patients and Dr Fletcher's corrupt security guards (including Robert Z'Dar from the MANIAC COP series, in one of his earliest roles).

Hellhole is full of the standard WIP fare, with bucketloads of full frontal nudity. There's a topless fistfight in the girls' shower room with a dozen or so naked girls cheering, two lesbian scenes and even a threesome in a mudbath.

The horror elements are minimal, although the "zombie" patients make for some nice, chilling moments. Woronov is in great campy form as the deviant lesbian boss woman and Sharkey oozes sleaze while looking like the lovechild of Freddie Mercury and Bowser from Sha Na Na.

For a movie with a great title like Hellhole, I would have liked to have seen more gore, but it delivers as a WIP sexploitation flick, with an abundance of naked chicks with 80s hair.

Previews on my VHS: American Ninja, White Nights, Santa Claus: The Movie

June 11 - The Killing Grounds (1998)

2011-06-12T22:33:00.003+12:00

The cover of my VHS copy of The Killing Grounds

The Killing Grounds (1998)
Director: Kurt Anderson
Format: VHS (Video Box Office)

It's always interesting to see an actor try to break away from an unwanted stereotype. Whether it's the "girl next door" doing something edgy (Katie Holmes in The Gift), the action hero trying comedy (Sly Stallone in Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot) or a comedian playing a dark character (Robin Williams in One Hour Photo) it can be refreshing or a train wreck, but almost always at least interesting.

I grew up watching Anthony Michael Hall during his brat pack heyday. When I watch John Hughes' 1980s teen comedies they bring forth a great deal of nostalgic feeling. To me, Hall will always be the geeky kid from those flicks - Rusty Griswald from National Lampoon's Vacation, The Geek from Sixteen Candles, Brian Johnson from The Breakfast Club and Gary Wallace from Weird Science.

I watched The Breakfast Club the other night with my wife and my sister. Tonight, while perusing my shelves of VHS, I spotted ol' AMH staring at me from the cover of The Killing Grounds, much older and brandishing a gun. An obvious attempt to break the geeky stereotype and one I had to view for myself.

I'm aware that Anthony Michael Hall has successfully broken his stereotype by headlining the successful TV show The Dead Zone in recent years. But The Killing Grounds came in the years between his John Hughes collaborations and The Dead Zone - how did he fare then in breaking free of the geek we all know and love?

The verdict is - pretty well. It helps that in The Killing Grounds he plays a bad guy. I've got to admit that surprised me. When I read the synopsis on the back of the VHS I was expecting AMH to be one of the hikers caught up in the situation, so to see him appear as a unscrupulous hitman was a pleasant surprise indeed.

Now, I should mention that there aren't actually any "good guys" in The Killing Grounds. Everyone is flawed in some way or another, making it hard to find a protagonist to latch onto.

The plot surrounds a swag of stolen gold which is being flown across the border into Mexico, but the plane crashes in mountains in the Southwest enroute. The gold is discovered by a group of hikers (Priscilla Barnes from DEVIL'S REJECTS, Charles Rocket and Rodney A Grant, both from DANCES WITH WOLVES and Cynthia Geary from NORTHERN EXPOSURE). They decide to split the loot, but are soon fighting it out with two baddies who come searching for it - played by Anthony Michael Hall and Courtney Gains (who played evil whippet Malachai in CHILDREN OF THE CORN), the latter rocking a sweet ginger mullet.

Whereas the hitmen are meant to be bad guys, the hikers aren't very sympathetic, thanks mainly to their petty squabbling and greedy backstabbing. Geary's character, an undercover cop, is the most likeable, but even she turns out to be a doublecrosser.

Likeability aside, each of the actors does a good job (Gains is both hammy and entertaining at the same time; Hall is more subdued; Rocket is sleazy as the womaniser) and director Kurt Anderson keeps the action moving at a fair clip. He also manages to mix in subtle humour and there's a nice ironic ending. This was his last directing gig though, so maybe his efforts weren't to somebody's liking.

At the end of the day this is a low-budget straight-to-video effort, and at times it plays out a bit like a TV movie, but it's worth seeing just to witness the 1980s' top geek playing a hitman.

June 9 - Final Exam (1981)

2011-06-09T23:09:00.005+12:00

The cover of my VHS copy of Final Exam

Final Exam (1981)
Director: Jimmy Huston
Format: VHS (Embassy)

"Some may pass the test... God help the rest"

That's the tagline for Final Exam, a low-budget Halloween-influenced (or should that be rip off) slasher from 1981. Now, you're probably expecting me to say something witty like "God help anyone who has to sit through this dreck", but the truth is I thoroughly enjoyed Final Exam.

The plot follows a group of students at a North Carolina college (the shy girl, the slut, the nerd, the party animal etc), who are seeing out the last week of the semester. They're concerned about exams and what they'll do over the summer but unaware that a killer is stalking campus.

Much of what director-writer Jimmy Huston (MY BEST FRIEND IS A VAMPIRE) puts on screen in Final Exam is very, very derivative of the slashers that came before it (the aforementioned Halloween mostly, but also Friday the 13th and Black Christmas). There are a lot of shots of the killer standing in the shadows or just out of shot, ala Michael Myers, and the teens bouncing around in shorty-shorts and feathered hairdos wouldn't be out of place in a Friday the 13th movie. His identity and motive are never revealed, like in Black Christmas.

But what sets Final Exam apart from the myriad of other cheapie slashers that followed throughout the 80s is the amount of time it spends on character development. Some might see this as a disadvantage - there are no kills beyond the opening scene for a good 45 minutes - but the various antics of the students (frat boy stunts, runs in with the sheriff, romance etc) are well done and allow the characters to be built up before the expected bodycount.

I'm not going to name actors because, frankly, you won't know any of them. A look at IMDB shows this as the sole acting credit for many of the cast, with others doing a handful of obscure titles. The only one with an extensive credit list is the guy who plays the nerdy lead, Radish, who went on to become a producer.

This is a slasher, so how good are the kills? Well, Huston keeps most of the blood and gore off-screen, but there is at least one imaginative kill, involving a gymnasium weights room and electronic scoreboard. Slashers are usually also known for their T&A and there is one nude scene, but that's it.

Last, but not least, I have to mention the great musical score by debutant Gary S Scott, who later did music for such TV shows as Fame, Beverly Hills 90210 and Freddy's Nightmares. The score, coupled with some nice camera work by Huston, makes for effective suspense.

I understand the DVD of this is out of print, so it might be hard to come by, but I would definitely recommend it for slasher fans, especially those looking for something a bit different.

Previews on my VHS: Paradise (complete with Phoebe Cates' bare breasts), They Call Me Trinity, Murder by Decree

June 8 - Cyber Tracker (1994)

2011-06-09T19:51:00.004+12:00

The cover of my VHS copy of Cyber Tracker

Cyber Tracker (1994)
Director: Richard Pepin
Format: VHS (21 Century)

Early on in this movie a cybertracker (ie Terminator-ripoff) looks at a statue of some kind of robot in a bar and his internal scan flicks through several names - Gort, THX 1138 and T1000.

It's a shame that tongue-in-cheek humour doesn't continue for the rest of the movie, but regardless Cyber Tracker is a fun little scifi action flick.

Starring everyone's former kickboxing champion Don "the Dragon" Wilson, this movie was released the same year as another Wilson vessel, Bloodfist V: Human Target (see my recent review of that as part of Cormania 2011).

Set sometime in the future, Cyber Tracker has Wilson playing Eric Phillips, a bodyguard for corrupt Senator Robert Dilly (John Aprea, GODFATHER II). When he refuses to go along with Dilly's evil plans, Phillips is framed for murder and becomes a target for a series of cyber trackers (all played by Jim Maniaci), cyborg cops who hunt down and carry out death sentences on condemned criminals.

Along with the pre-requisite love interest, a reporter-turned-resistance fighter (Stacie Foster), Phillips has to survive being hunted by the cyber trackers while trying to bring down Dilly.

From what I've seen, futuristic scifi action b-movies from the 1980s and 90s tend to go one of two ways - over the top futuristic sets and costumes, or the bare minimum. Cyber Tracker is definitely the latter. You wouldn't know this was set in the future if it wasn't for the cyborgs and some little touches (like a talking computer that controls a house's functions).

But while the plate is virtually empty for the scifi fan, there's plenty of explosions, gunfights, fistfights and car chases to keep the action fan's belly full.

And fans of unintentional humour, you're in luck. From the corny, out-of-place Omenesque music that plays at several points, to terrible soap opera-like footage of Phillips and a former love and chuckle-inducing sped up running as a cyber tracker chases down a car, the laughs keep coming.

The supporting cast is mostly unremarkable, but noteworthy are Australian Richard Norton (ROAD HOUSE 2) as the snarling head of Dilly's security team and crater-faced Joseph Ruskin (SWORD AND THE SORCERER) as the boss of the cyborg company - the latter bringing some unintentional laughs during a nonsensical rant about the state of society.

Previews on my VHS: Housewife from Hell (complete with lots of naked boobies in the trailer), The Custodian.

June 6 - Project Shadowchaser

2011-06-06T22:04:00.003+12:00

Not the cover of my VHS copy of Project Shadowchaser

Project Shadowchaser (1992)
Director: John Eyres
Format: VHS (Hoyts Home Video)

I'm sure most b-movie enthusiasts find themselves in this situation: You see a tagline like "Die Hard meets the Terminator" on the front cover of a movie and, knowing that it can't possibly live up to the either of those movies, decide you just have to watch it.

That exact tagline is on the cover of my VHS copy of Project Shadowchaser, and yes, I just had to watch it. Looking over the cast, I saw the names Martin Kove and Frank Zagarino, and the need to watch grew even greater! The Kobra Kai sensei and Argan from Barbarian Queen in the same movie? Sign me up!

Directed by John Eyres (who helmed the not-bad 2001 teeny horror flick RIPPER), Project Shadowchaser is set in the future, when a team of terrorists led by silver-haired cyborg Romulus (Zagarino) take over a hospital and hold the President's daughter (the weird-eyed Meg Foster, THEY LIVE) hostage. The FBI (led by Paul Koslo of ROBOT JOX) order the hospital's architect unfrozen from the jail he is in for murder, so they can get inside the building and free her.

The only problem is they unfreeze the wrong man, Desilva (Kove), who plays along with the mistake on a promise of a full pardon. When the team of agents sent in with him winds up dead, it's up to Desilva to try to beat the terrorists himself. He rescues the President's daughter, but rather than escape she chooses to stay and kick some terrorist butt with Desilva. Romulus proves to be virtually unbeatable, leading to a showdown between man (and woman) and machine.

Joss Ackland (Hans in MIGHTY DUCKS) also features as the scientist creator of Romulus.

Everything you need to know about Project Shadowchaser is in that tagline I mentioned at the start of this review. There's lots of crawling around a high-rise building attacking baddies ala Die Hard, and Romulus is clearly a Terminator rip off. Of course, Martin Kove isn't Bruce Willis and Frank Zagarino isn't Arnie, but Kove has barely enough charisma to pull it off and Zagarino is actually quite good as a cyborg. I was critical of his wooden acting in my review of Barbarian Queen, but here it's an asset.

There's nothing special about Project Shadowchaser - the special effects, camera work and fight scenes are okay if unspectacular. It rates poorly on the cheesyness scale, so don't expect any unintentional laughs. But hey, it's an okay way to spend an hour and a half.

Previews on my VHS: Strictly Ballroom, 1492, Stepfather 3, Prototype, Hangin' with the Homeboys, Bram Stoker's Dracula

CORMANIA 2011 - Finished

2011-06-05T16:41:00.003+12:00

Well, that's it. Eleven Roger Corman movies over two days. And you know what? I could probably start watching another one right now. I better not though - time to go and breath some fresh air and spend some time with the family.

Cormania 2011 was a lot of fun. Out of the 11 movies there actually weren't any real stinkers. None that I wanted desperately to escape from. I covered a lot of ground in terms of genres, styles and years, which is exactly what I set out to do.

I hope you've enjoyed reading - I know my movie marathon reviews aren't as fully written as my regular ones, but that's because I don't want a lot of work when doing these things. Jotting down a few observations here and there works for me.

I'm not sure when I'll be doing my next movie marathon, but I'm open to ideas. If you've got a good idea, let me know in the comments section. Or just let me know what you thought of this marathon.

Finally some stats from Cormania 2011:

Films: 11
Total running time: 866 minutes (14 hours and 46 minutes)
Oldest: Attack of the Giant Leeches (1959)
Newest: Dinoshark (2010)
Most Boring Film: The Berlin Conspiracy
Most Fun Film: Chopping Mall
Best Quality Film: The Masque of the Red Death

And once again, hail to the King (of Bs) baby!

CORMANIA 2011 #11 - Little Shop of Horrors

2011-06-05T16:37:00.002+12:00

3.20pm - Little Shop of Horrors (1960)
Our King's role: Director and producer
Cast: Jonathon Haze (IT CONQUERED THE WORLD), Jackie Joseph (GREMLINS), Mel Welles (ATTACK OF THE CRAB MONSTERS), Dick Miller (BUCKET OF BLOOD), Jack Nicholson (THE SHINING).

Plot: Seymour (Haze) is a klutz who works in a skid row florist shop. He can't seem to do anything right, until he brings in a strange plant that grows after eating human blood. He names it Audrey 2, after the daughter (Joseph) of the store owner (Welles). It begins attracting onlookers and bolstering the store's business, making Seymour more popular than ever. But he has to keep feeding Audrey 2 human flesh to keep it alive, and sooner or later that's going to be a problem.

Observations:
- Full disclosure: I have never seen this version. I've seen the 1980s musical remake, but not this one.
- Animation opening to show "skid row". I guess it was the cheap option. Apparently this movie was made in two days, so plenty of shortcuts had to be taken.
- Dick Miller on screen right away, seguing us nicely from Chopping Mall.
- Mel Welles is great as the harangued shop owner, providing most of the early laughs.
- I'm a huge fan of the Gremlins movies, but up until now didn't realise that the old couple (Dick Miller and Jackie Joseph) in Gremlins had appeared together in this film. It's always great to find out about hidden homages like that.
- "Feeeeeed me".
- Ah, the famous Jack Nicholson appearance as Wilbur Force, the sadomasochist dental patient. Good stuff.
- Just noticed on IMDB that Audrey 2's voice was provided by screenwriter Charles Griffith. Another similarity to our last movie (where writer and director Jim Wynorski voiced the killbots).
- So many great, wacky characters. The old lady whose relatives keep dying is fun, as is Seymour's hypocondriac mother.
- Hey, I guess you really are what you eat.

Overall thoughts: What a fun way to finish this marathon. I had read enough over the years to know that this original Little Shop of Horrors wasn't a musical, but I was also expecting it to be lacking in the comedy department. Boy was I wrong. This one's funny from start to finish, with great, quirky characters. Coming a year after Bucket of Blood, it's in the same vein, centring around a bumbling klutz who gains popularity by accident (through art in BoB and the plant in this one) and has to kill to keep that popularity going. Black comedy at its best!

CORMANIA 2011 #10 - Chopping Mall

2011-06-05T15:08:00.001+12:00

Chopping Mall (1986)
Our King's role: Executive producer
Cast: Kelli Maroney (NIGHT OF THE COMET), Tony O'Dell (KARATE KID), Russell Todd (FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2), Barbara Crampton (RE-ANIMATOR).

Plot: A group of young 20-somethings decide to party it up in a furniture store inside a mall after hours, unaware that the mall's new high tech security system (three robot security guards) has gone haywire thanks to a lightning strike. The robots are now out to kill anyone they see. Included among the various horny party-goers are two straight-laced kids on a blind date (Maroney and O'Dell), but will they survive as the killbots start picking off their friends?

Observations:
- Full disclosure: I've seen this one before, once, but (sorry to sound like a broken record) it was quite a few years back.
- Ah the old movie-within-a-movie opening.
- Early sightings of Mary Woronov from Death Race 2000 and Angus Scrimm, the Tall Man from the Phantasm series.
- The opening credits music is so generically 80s. Awesome!
- Directed and written by B-movie legend Jim Wynorski, who apparently also does the voice of the security robots.
- Barbara Crampton looking hot as a perky waitress and our main girl's best friend.
- Wait, lightning makes the robots kill? Where's the smart-cracking hilarity? Short Circuit lied to me!
- Young people with huge hair bopping along to synth-based dance music. God bless the 80s!
- It would be remiss of me not to say: Boobies!
- Hey, it's Attack of the Crab Monsters (of course directed by Our King)! Our nerdy main couple watch it while the other couples are screwing.
- Dick Miller cameo, woohoo! And he's a janitor called Walter Paisley. Nice homage to Bucket of Blood (another Corman flick).
- Funbagos!
- Holy exploding heads Batman!
- Peckinpah's Sporting Goods. The tributes in this movie are awesome.
- Little Shop of Pets. Another good one and quite fitting given the last movie of my marathon coming up. Hint hint.
- Freeze frame credits. How old school!

Overall thoughts: When it comes to low budget 80s slasher flicks, they don't come much more awesome than this. I mean, it's killer robots killing good-looking teens/young adults in a mall - what more could you want? Well, how about some subtle humour? Because Chopping Mall has plenty of it. Everything is done tongue-in-cheek but not to the point of sillyness. Add to that some T&A and gore and you've got one rockin' good time. I love Chopping Mall.

CORMANIA 2011 - Lunch break

2011-06-05T14:58:00.004+12:00

I wish I had more interesting stuff to write here, but it's mundane I'm afraid. I broke for lunch at just after 1pm (closer to 1.15pm by the time I had scanned the cover of my VHS copy of The Berlin Conspiracy). Toasted sandwiches and potato chips for lunch. You'd think I'd go for something a bit healthier given all the junk I've eaten in the last few days, but eh.

I had given myself an hour for lunch, but was actually ready to get going ahead of time so headed back down to the cinema and watched a few of the great previews at the start of the VHS copy of my next marathon movie, Chopping Mall.

Alright, let's get back into it with the first of the last two movies of the marathon, some 80s killer robot slasher horror awesomeness!

CORMANIA 2011 #9 - The Berlin Conspiracy

2011-06-05T13:07:00.004+12:00

11.42am - The Berlin Conspiracy (1992)
Our King's role: Executive producer
Cast: Marc Singer (BEASTMASTER), Mary Crosby (ICE PIRATES), Stephen Davies (BLOODFIST 7)

Plot: In the days surrounding the collapse of the Berlin Wall, four cannisters of biological weapons are stolen from East Berlin by terrorists on order for Iraq. In order to get them back, an East German spy (Davies) is forced to cross to the West and team up with an American CIA agent (Singer). It turns out they are both involved with the same woman (Crosby), creating tension in their new partnership. Will they still be able to work together to stop the cannisters from ending up in the wrong hands?

Observations:
- I got this rare flick in a bulk lot of VHS tapes I bought recently. As far as I know it's not on DVD.
- Directed by Terence H Winkless, who also directed the first Bloodfist movie. So can we expect some good action?
- We're in East Berlin, two days before the wall came down. I know that because it said so onscreen.
- Love the Film Noir-esque narration.
- Marc Singer! One of the most underrated actors of the 80s. Loved him in V and the Beastmaster series (movies and TV series).
- Hey, what do ya know, a good fight scene in the first five minutes.
- Biological weapons. Iraq. How topical for the time.
- I actually recognise some of the footage they're using from the Berlin Wall coming down.
- So now the East und za Vest... I mean West... are working together.
- Full frontal hooker nudity alert.
- The American is a partying womaniser, the East German a stiff-collared by the book man. Holy lazy stereotypes Batman!
- Corny one-liner alert: "That's one bad Czech that didn't bounce".
- Oh no, our buddies are fighting! I hope they sort out their differences by the end of the movie.
- Out of control tramcar!
- Who left that pile of empty boxes there?
- Shootout on top of the Berlin Wall. There's something you don't see every day.
- Maybe they'll raise the baby as a kind of German version of My Two Dads?

Overall thoughts: Political thrillers just aren't my thing. The Berlin Conspiracy is part political thriller, part buddy cop movie. The latter can be okay (I quite like the Rush Hour movies), but this one's pretty much by the numbers (partners don't get along, one's a rebel, the other a bit square). The best stuff is early on when we see inside East Berlin as the authorities scramble in the lead up to the wall coming down. I really wish this one had gone whole hog on being a film noir homage, with Marc Singer playing a hard-boiled detective going inside East Berlin, and Crosby playing the sexy damsel. That would have ruled it bigtime. Instead it's a passable action thriller. There's a reason this one isn't on DVD.

CORMANIA 2011 #8 - Attack of the Giant Leeches

2011-06-05T11:19:00.003+12:00

10.14am - Attack of the Giant Leeches (1959)
Our King's role: Executive producer
Cast: Ken Clark (12 TO THE MOON), Yvette Vickers (REFORM SCHOOL GIRL), Jan Shepherd (KING CREOLE)

Plot: Down in the bayou, an old trapper sees a giant creature in the water, but his buddies don't believe him. He turns up dead, discovered by ranger Steve Benton (Clark) and his girl (Shepherd). Then other people start disappearing and it's up to our intrepid couple to try to discover what the creatures are and destroy them.

Observations:
- Full disclosure: I have seen this movie before, but not for quite a few years.
- Love the organ music that accompanies the opening credits. Definitely gets you in the mood for some good ol' 50s scifi b-movie greatness.
- Ah, domestic violence. "Some day I'm gonna give that shecat the whuppin' she deserves".
- Damn that's a small robe Yvette Vickers is wearing.
- Classic line: "Oh, go soak your fat head".
- Poor old storekeeper Dave Walker. His cute young wife gives him grief and she's screwing around on the side.
- A young couple can't outrun a big ol' fat guy? Really?
- Men in rubber suits alert!
- Nan. There's a name you don't see young women using much these days.
- Nothing takes the work out of canoeing better than drinking moonshine out of a jug.
- Man, those rubber suits are awesome.
- Nice shots of bodies floating up through the water.
- Gotta love hokey science. Apparently these giant leeches might have been caused by "some kind of gigantism" caused by atomic energy from rocket launches at nearby Cape Canaveral.
- Hmmmm, it must be cold in that water. Her headlights are on full beam.
- There ain't no problem dynamite can't solve.

Overall thoughts: If you're a fan of low budget 1950s scifi monster movies, this is right up your alley. Of course by today's standards it's all a bit hokey, but take yourself back to when this movie was released and it must have been quite chilling. Despite Mystery Theatre 3000 having riffed on this, it's actually a fairly decent little movie. Gotta love those rubber suit monsters!

CORMANIA 2011 - Start of Day 2

2011-06-05T10:11:00.004+12:00

I got out of bed at around 9am this morning, nice and refreshed. Ate a hearty breakfast of bacon and eggs, caught up on the news, played with my son a bit, then started getting ready for day 2 of Cormania 2011.

I struck a slight snag - I had originally planned to open today with the classic It Conquered the World, but discovered that I don't actually own it. I could have sworn I did. But instead I will be watching another Corman scifi effort from the 1950s, albeit not quite as classic - Attack of the Giant Leeches.

Snacks at the ready, let's do this!

CORMANIA 2011 - End of Day 1

2011-06-05T00:56:00.002+12:00

Seven Roger Corman films in one day. Not bad.

It's just about 1am and I'm about to go get some sleep. I'll be back in the morning to start day two, which brings four more Corman movies.

Until then, Hail to the King (of Bs) baby!

CORMANIA 2011 #7 - Slumber Party Massacre 2

2011-06-05T00:52:00.003+12:00

11.24am - Slumber Party Massacre 2
Our King's role: Executive producer
Cast: Crystal Bernard, Juliet Cummins (FRIDAY THE 13TH: A NEW BEGINNING), Heidi Kozak (FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE NEW BLOOD), Kimberley McArthur (MALIBU EXPRESS)

Plot: Courtney Bates (Bernard) is the younger sister of a girl who survived the events of the first Slumber Party Massacre movie. She's in an all-girl rock band who head away to an empty condo for a few nights of partying. But Courtney keeps having bad dreams about her sister, people dying and some guy playing an electric guitar with a giant drillbit coming out the end of it. As the girls head to their slumber party weekend away, Courtney's dreams become more and more vivid and her friends start to think she's going mental. But when the dreams become reality, they're suddenly fighting for their lives.

Observations:
- I'm guessing the clips at the start of the movie are from the first one, but I haven't seen it so I don't know for sure.
- I have seen this sequel, but again it was quite a few years ago.
- Crystal Bernard. I remember her from the 90s TV show Wings.
- Girls wearing suspenders. So 80s.
- OMG, a dead bird. That's a sure sign that... well, a bird died I guess.
- Rock chicks are hot. Hey, this girl group sounds kinda like The Bangles.
- Today's viewing comes full circle, and not just because of Roger Corman. This movie is directed by Deborah Brock, who was post-production superviser on Barbarian Queen, the movie that got this marathon rolling.
- Corndogs and champagne. The breakfast of champions.
- A pillow fight breaks out. We all know that's what happens any time two or more women get together without guys around.
- Hello boobies! Damn Juliette Cummins is hot. Today's portion of the marathon started with boobs and it's closing with boobs.
- Even Rocky had a montage.
- Keeping with tradition, all of the "teenage" girls in this movie were 23 or older when it was filmed (according to IMDB).
- Okay, the gore's been pretty lame so far, but that exploding zit was pretty gnarly.
- Officer Krueger? Wink, wink.
- A breakdancing slasher killer. It doesn't get much more awesome than that.
- His one-liners are pretty awful though. Freddie Krueger you've got a lot to answer for buddy.
- Yikes, lame ending alert.

Overall thoughts: If it wasn't for its over-the-top, campy killer, this movie would be just any other run-of-the-mill 80s slasher. As it is, Slumber Party Massacre 2 is an unashamed ripoff of Nightmare on Elm St, but like that series it is the killer that keeps the weak material interesting. This flick is at its best when the driller killer is dancing about with his crazy ass drill guitar, sticking it into screaming girls with a sense of fun. It's a damn shame they didn't do any more sequels.

CORMANIA 2011 #6 - The Wild Angels

2011-06-04T23:18:00.002+12:00

9.44pm - Wild Angels (1966)
Our King's role: Director and producer
Cast: Peter Fonda (EASY RIDER), Nancy Sinatra (SPEEDWAY), Bruce Dern (SILENT RUNNING), Diane Ladd (WILD AT HEART)

Plot: Heavenly Blues (Fonda) is leader of the San Pedro, California chaper of the Hells Angels motorcycle gang. He brings his buddy Loser (Dern) back into the fold from an honest life, but a run-in with the heat ends up going not so groovy, and Loser winds up in hospital (sorry, don't know any 60s slang for that). The Wild Angels spring him, but Loser ends up dying. His funeral turns into a "party", in which a church is trashed, a preacher beaten up and Loser's woman (Ladd) raped. Even when they take him to be buried it turns into a big brawl between bikers and townsfolk.

Observations:
- Brief Dick Miller sighting in the first scene.
- Even tough biker guys liked to shake their tailfeathers in the swinging 60s.
- Heavenly Blues don't like no hard drugs, ya dig?
- Diane Ladd was quite attractive in her younger days. I only know her from David Lynch's Wild at Heart, when she plays a crazy old bat.
- Ladd plays the "old lady" of her real-life hubby, Bruce Dern.
- I have to wonder what Old Blue Eyes thought about his daughter Nancy appearing in a movie about long-haired nogoodniks.
- This movie came out the same year as Nancy's hit song These Boots Are Made For Walking.
- Nazi flag draped coffin. Classy.
- Blues' famous speech during the funeral: "We wanna be free to do what we wanna do. We wanna be free to ride our machines without being hassled by the man. And we wanna get loaded. And we wanna have a good time. That's what we're gonna do".
- You know it's a real party in the 60s when they bust out the bongo music.

Overall thoughts: Those who think of Roger Corman as a low-budget director who mainly followed the latest fads can take a look at Wild Angels to see the great man actually starting a trend. This is the first biker flick, three years before Easy Rider. It started the counter-culture fad, simple as that. Does that mean it's a good movie? Well, no. It's all a bit pointless really, with no real narrative thread. Just a bunch of bikers doing rebellious stuff. The acting is pretty great, led by a brooding performance by Fonda, but there's just not a lot of meat in this sandwich.

CORMANIA 2011 #5 - Dinoshark

2011-06-04T22:24:00.001+12:00

8.02pm - Dinoshark (2010)
Our King's role: Producer and actor
Cast: Eric Balfour (The TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE remake), Iva Hasperger (EXORCISM), Roger Corman.

Plot: Trace McGraw (Balfour) returns to his hometown, a beachside resort in Mexico to run a fishing charter, just as a giant shark begins chomping on people. It's no ordinary shark though - it's a prehistoric dinosaur shark and it's hungry. McGraw teams up with a beautiful biologist (Hasperger) to try to kill the creature before more people die.

Observations:
- Rip off Jaws music. Check.
- Hello bad CGI dinoshark (which looks like a shark with the head of a T-Rex).
- Syfy movie cliche #21: Guy who returns to his hometown after being away for a while.
- Chompity chomp, byebye surfer!
- Nice gore as we see a half-eaten girl on the beach.
- This is a TV movie, so there's no nudity, but there are plenty of bikini-clad hot chicks.
- For the first time in this marathon, our King appears onscreen. Here he plays Dr Reeves, a scientist.
- They mention a sighting of a dinoshark in New Zealand, but they show a map of Indonesia on screen? Sloppy guys!
- Mariachi band sighting. But no guy with the giant guitar? Boo-urns!
- Yes! Dinoshark 1, helicopter 0. "You're gonna need a bigger chopper".
- Hey, that rocketlauncher looks like it was bought at the dollar store.
- More nice gore in the form of a decapitated head (yet another homage to Jaws).
- Ol' Dinoshark is on a roll, chomping all manner of floating vessels.
- Cheesy one-liner alert during the climactic showdown.

Overall thoughts:
As I said in my review of Sand Serpents, I'm a fan of these cheesy Syfy TV movies and I always go into them expecting three things - cheesy CGI, a nature-run-amok plotline and a washed up actor from the 80s. Dinoshark meets the first two criteria but not the third. It doesn't matter though, because it more than makes up for it elsewhere. I'd almost add a fourth expectation from these movies - the titular monster chomping a helicopter - and this one comes through. And then it keeps going, with boats, kayaks, even a parasailer getting the big chomp. Good cheesy fun!

CORMANIA 2011 - Dinner break

2011-06-04T22:21:00.003+12:00

Time for some dinner. Nothing too noteworthy, just some McDonalds to keep the wolves from the door.

I also manage to get in some more quality time with my young son, and to catch the first half hour of the Blues-Chiefs Super rugby game. My team (the Blues) is leading when I head back into the cinema to get the marathon back underway.

Up next... Syfy monster mayhem!

CORMANIA 2011 #4 - The Masque of the Red Death

2011-06-04T19:05:00.005+12:00

5:35pm - The Masque of the Red Death (1964)
Our King's role: Director and producer
Cast: Vincent Price (PIT AND THE PENDULUM), Hazel Court (DEVIL GIRL FROM MARS), Nigel Green (JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS), Patrick Magee (A CLOCKWORK ORANGE), Jane Asher (ALFIE)

Plot: A faceless stranger in a red hood warns of impeding doom for an English county, which is ruled by the evil Prince Prospero. While on an outing, Prospero kidnaps a village girl (Asher) along with her lover (David Weston) and father (Green). As Prospero becomes enamoured with his new lady friend, she soon discovers there is more to his evil than it would appear.
He is a Satan worshipper who holds ritualistic ceremonies in his castle. Gathering his "friends" at his castle to offer them sanctuary from the Red Death, Prospero holds a midnight masquerade ball. But who is the stranger in the red hood who shows up? Is he the devil, or something far more sinister?

Observations:
- Full disclosure: I've seen this movie before, but it's been at least 10 years since I've watched it.
- Corman moved production of his movies to England starting with this one, and the difference in sets is noticeable. They're much more extravagant than in his previous Edgar Allen Poe adaptions.
- Ah Vincent Price. My favourite actor ever. No one else compares.
- Price is fantastic here as the utterly decadent and evil Prince Prospero, who makes other suffer to amuse himself, like making his guests act like various barnyard animals.
- I do love a good black and white flick, but the colours Corman employs here are exquisite.
- There's satanic shenanigans afoot!
- A girl wandering around a darkened mansion/castle at night. Corman mastered these shots to a fine art time and time again.
- Crossbow bolt to the throat. Nice.
- I think the subplot about Hop Toad the midget is from a separate Poe story, Hop Frog.
- Hazel Court self-branding her breast with an upside down cross mark must have been quite edgy for its time.
- You can't say Prospero's parties aren't at least entertaining. That cat sure knows how to put on a shindig.
- There's that evil Vincent Price laugh echoing through the night. Even those who've never seen one of his movies will be familiar with it, thanks to Michael Jackson's Thriller.
- It's racial stereotype central during Court's dream(?) sacrifice scene. Jumping African native? Check. Bearded Chinese guy? Check. Stiff-necked Egyptian? Check.
- A double-bladed axe pendulum? Hmmm, I feel like I've seen that somewhere before.
- I guess they couldn't find a midget girl to play the dancer? That's clearly a little girl with an overdubbed adult's voice.
- Morale of the subplot: Don't mess with a midget's girl.
- The Dance of the Red Death reminds me of that annual event in Italy where people throw tomatoes at each other.

Overall thoughts: Roger Corman's Poe adaptions were the peak of his creative output, as far as I'm concerned. The Masque of the Red Death is probably my second favourite of them, after Pit and the Pendulum, and right up there among my top 5 Vincent Price movies of all time. Price's performance is, as always, top notch. I think Prospero may be the most out-and-out evil of all the characters he has played. I can't speak highly enough of the lavish sets and the use of colours. This movie is a feast for the eyes and a must see for any fan of cinema.

CORMANIA 2011 #3 - Bloodfist V: Human Target

2011-06-04T17:16:00.002+12:00

3.50pm - Bloodfist V: Human Target (1994)
Our King's role: Executive producer
Cast: Don "the Dragon" Wilson (FUTURE KICK), Denise Duff (SUBSPECIES 2 and 3), Steve James (AMERICAN NINJA 1-3)

Plot: After being shot by some bad guys and plunging into a harbour, Jim Stanton (former world kickboxing champ Wilson) wakes up in hospital unable to remember anything about his life. His "wife" (Duff) turns up but she's just a girl named Michelle who the bad guys have paid to get him out of hospital. After a run in with Michelle's pimp/friend (James), she helps Stanton as he searches for clues about his life. It turns out his real name is Mike Wilkes and he's a government agent working undercover in a Chinese gang who've stolen plutonium. The gang wants Wilkes dead and the war is on! But everything isn't as it seems.

Observations:
- Alright, after two DVD movies it's time for some martial arts on VHS baby!
- Full disclosure: I haven't seen any of the previous 4 Bloodfist movies and I'm not sure that I've seen Don Wilson in any other movies. I do remember him from his stints on screen commentating for UFC and King of the Cage though.
- Black guy with a fingerless gloves, a cross earring and a jacket with no shirt? Pimptastic!
- Slow motion spin kick!
- Killer mullet one on of the heavies Stanton/Wilkes deals to.
- Hey, it's Bob from that 70s show (Don Stark) as a government agent!
- Hmmm, they haven't hooked up romantically, yet Michelle is lying naked in a bed next to Mike. What a slut.
- So many slow motion kicks and throws. So many.
- Man, that's some evil acupuncture. Not sure it's gonna fix her ailments though.
- I knew I recognised one of the bad guys in this movie. It's Yuji Okumoto, who played Chozen, the main bad guy in Karate Kid 2.
- Holy plot twist Batman!
- Steve James is quite good as a bad guy. Blood Fist V was his last theatrical role, hitting theatres after his death from pancreatic cancer. RIP tough guy.
- Naturally Wilson has to lose his shirt for the climactic fight scene.

Overall thoughts: Bloodfist 5 fell short of my expectations in some ways but far exceeded them in others. It's the fourth sequel in a low budget marital arts series, starring a real life kickboxer, so I was expecting it to be badly shot, with minimal plot and bad acting, but with plenty of cheese to make up for that. Instead what I got was a plot-driven action drama which was pretty well shot and had good acting performances across the board. There's not much cheesyness to it at all, but there doesn't need to be. The plot twists keep it interesting and the action scenes are above average (if a little heavy on the slow motion effects). Overall Blood Fist 5 is definitely worth watching.

CORMANIA 2011 - a break

2011-06-04T16:18:00.003+12:00

Time for a quick break to get some fresh air. It's raining steadily outside, the perfect weather for a movie marathon.

I spend a few minutes playing with my son and check out the baseball scores to discover my Red Sox came back from that 4-0 deficit to beat the As 8-6. Nice!

Alright break over, time to get back into it. Up next: Martial arts from the 1990s!

CORMANIA 2011 #2 - Ga-s-s-s

2011-06-04T15:21:00.003+12:00

1.53pm - Gas-s-s-s, or It Became Necessary to Destroy the World in Order to Save it (1970)
Our King's role: Director/producer
Cast: Bob Corff (FRIGHT NIGHT), Bud Cort (the MASH movie), Talia Shore (ROCKY, GODFATHER series), Cindy Williams (AMERICAN GRAFFITI), Ben Vereen (ZOOBILEE ZOO).

Plot: A deadly gas kills off anyone under 25. A young hardcase anti-authoritarian type (Corff) and his girl (Elaine Giftos) find that life under these new circumstances isn't to their liking and hit the road. They run into a fellow group of survivors (early roles for Cort, Shore, Williams and Vereen) and continue travelling across country, encountering various situations, including a rock concert, a town run by a group of deluded American Football players, a wacky doctor, a golf course community run by a cart-driving gang, some bizarre American Indians and The Oracle. They end up at a pueblo commune and the marauding, dune buggie-driving American Footballers show up before a wacky finale.

Observations:
- We open with badly-drawn animation about a gas escaping from a nuclear research facility in Alaska. This is going to be an odd flick.
- Great 60s rock soundtrack. Groovy man!
- Amidst all the wacky humour, a shot of downtown Dallas with empty streets and an elderly couple dead in each others' arms is actually quite eerie.
- Ah, Cindy Williams how cute and perky you were.
- I can't look at Ben Vereen without thinking about him wearing animal ears, whiskers and a big ol' grin on Zoobilee Zoo. Haven't seen that show since I was a kid, but it creeped me out back then.
- Why are they shouting out the names of big screen movie stars while pretending to have a western shoot out? Wait, they really died? I'm confused.
- Hey, there's a cameo by well-known anti-war musician Country Joe McDonald of Country Joe and the Fish. The guitarist from that band, Barry Melton, is the man responsible for the soundtrack to this film.
- Free love awash with psychadelic colours and patterns. No 1960s/early 70s hippy movie would be complete without it.
- Gratuitous dune buggy chase scene!
- The one guy has a massive machine gun mounted on top of his dune buggy but never fires it. Lame!
- Gratuitous golf cart chase scene!
- Okay, the golf ball attack is pretty awesome and fun.
- "What was that, a bomb?", "No, it sounded more ironic than that". Uh, okay.
- What a far out ending man.

Overall thoughts: Wow. That was something. What that something is, I'm not quite sure. The main characters were likeable, the concept pretty fun (I'm a big fan of post-apocalyptic films, no matter what the genre) and it was fairly well shot, but a lot of the humour fell flat for me. At times it felt like an extended episode of The Monkees, if The Monkees had featured a few more adult-natured jokes. It could be that I'm from the wrong generation or that the humour hasn't dated well, but I only really laughed once or twice. I'd like to think there's some kind of message at the heart of this pretentious movie, but I'm damned if I know what it is. In saying all that, this isn't a bad movie per se - if you're looking for something quirky it definitely fits that bill.

CORMANIA 2011 #1 - Barbarian Queen

2011-06-04T13:47:00.004+12:00

12.31pm - Barbarian Queen (1985)
Our King's role: Producer
Cast: Lana Clarkson (AMAZON WOMEN ON THE MOON), Katt Shea (PSYCHO III), Frank Zagarino (the SHADOWCHASER series).

Plot: A band of Roman soldiers attack and pillage a village right before the wedding of Amathea (Clarkson) and Argan (Zagarino), taking Argan prisoner and presumably killing Amathea. But she survives and sets off to rescue her man. Along the way she collects together various other butt-kicking chicks to join her on her quest. They arrive at the Roman city and discover Argon is being forced to fight as a gladiator. Joining up with the local underground (literally) and the gladiators, these bitchin' barbarian babes seek to free the slaves and and kill the evil Arrakur.

- My wife: "You know it's gonna be a good movie when there's boobs inside the first 30 seconds". Yep, I married a good'un.
- Let the comical over-dubbing begin! Strange as this is a US production, but it was filmed in Argentina, so I'm guessing a lot of the extras were Argentinian.
- By the look of Argan, I'm expecting Skeletor and Beast Man to turn up any second.
- Nice big fight scene early as Argan proves to be a wimp. He makes a fitting damsel in distress.
- Clarkson changes from revealing animal skins and headband to a frumpy red riding hood-esque outfit. Boo!
- Oh, she's back to the revealing outfit. That was close.
- And now she's topless and stretched out on some weird torture machine. Not sure how a fake metallic hand hanging down and barely touching a breast is torture.
- Frank Zagarino's acting is hilariously bad. His emotional scale ranges from bored to disinterested.
- The harem master is all kinds of fun. A fat guy with what looks like an oversized handbag on his head, a fu manchu mustache and an overdubbed voice that is more campy than a row of tents.
- Boobs galore, some full frontal nudity and now an orgy. This movie is every 14-year-old's dream come true.
- Poor Lana Clarkson. She was able to vanquish baddies like Arrakur but real evil would be her undoing in the frail form of Phil Spector.

Overall thoughts: Man, that was all kinds of good and the perfect way to kick off a movie marathon in honour of the King of the Bs. Three words sum up Barbarian Queen - fighting, swords and boobs. And what else could you ask for in a sword and sandal adventure? Plot? Bah, go watch a drama guy, 'cause we don't need your stinking plot here bucko! Lana Clarkson sure was attractive and looked great running around in her animal skins. Damn you Phil Spector!

CORMANIA 2011 - Prelude

2011-06-04T12:25:00.003+12:00

Last night Jen (my wife) and I drove an hour and a half to see a horror movie double feature (Jaws and the original Dawn of the Dead) at the Drive In, which was great. We've never really had Drive Ins here in New Zealand, so this was a rare opportunity, part of a week-long festival where the movies are projected onto the side of a building at a speedway. We got home at around 2am. I slept until about 10am and was feeling surprisingly chipper despite the disruption to my sleep patterns.

As start time approaches, Jen heads out to run some errands and pick up munchies, while I watch the first half-inning of the Red Sox-As game. My beloved Sawx give up four runs in that half inning, so I'm extremely glad to have an excuse not to watch the whole game.

Then it's time for a quick shower and I move my VCR from it's usual position to the home cinema, because a few of the Cormania movies are on my favourite format.

Speaking of the movies in this marathon, 4 of the 11 I have seen before, but it's been quite a few years for all of them. The rest are first time viewings.

On the snack front, I have assorted candy, chocolate and of course some popcorn. I also have celery and hummus for when I get over the sweet stuff, and my drink of choice is Lemon-Lime Gatorade (with a can or two of energy drink in reserve should I need them later).

And finally, a note about how this moviethon blog is going to work. I will be posting about each movie after I finish watching it, so it's almost real time. I won't be doing indepth reviews - expect a plot synopsis, random observations and my overall take on each flick.

Alright, let's get this bad boy started. Prepare to bask in the royal presence of the King of the Bs!

Announcing Cormania 2011

2011-06-02T19:48:00.005+12:00

It's time for another movie marathon! I'm pleased to announce Cormania 2011, which will be taking place this Saturday and Sunday (NZ time).

Inspired by the fantastic Doomed Moviethon, I intend to watch 11 Roger Corman movies over two days and will be blogging about it as I go. I wanted a marathon which could provide plenty of variety in terms of years and genres, and who better to provide that variety than the King of the Bs?

Because I want to take advantage of the resources I have at hand (VHS, DVD and a few AVI) and not have to go hunting for anything, I'm opening Cormania 2011 to movies that the great Roger Corman has produced, as well as those he has directed.

I'm not going to give away what titles I will be watching, but it's fair to say the genres are diverse, covering everything from a classy Edgar Allen Poe adaption to a low-budget CGI monster fish flick.

Stay tuned over the weekend (Friday and Saturday nights US time). It should be a lot of fun!

June 1 - Digital Man

2011-06-01T21:57:00.003+12:00

The cover of my VHS copy of Digital Man

Digital Man (1995)
Director: Phillip J. Roth
Format: VHS (20th Century Fox)

After being on a bit of a war movie kick lately, I decided I needed something completely different and cheesy 90s scifi seemed like just the thing. With a line on the back of the VHS that says "He's Terminator, Cyborg and Robocop welded into one", along with a photo of Adam Baldwin, my hopes were high.

I've never heard of director Phillip J. Roth, but it seems he has a thing for cyborgs. His credits include such legendary titles (yes, that's sarcasm) as APEX, Prototype and Interceptor Force 2.

After some cheesy Playstation-esque CGI in the opening sequence, we're thrust into a situation somewhere in space in the future, where terrorists have stolen the launch codes for dozens of nuclear missiles. In response, the authorities send Digital Man (Matthias Hues, KICKBOXER 2 - minus his trademark long blonde hair) to take care of business.

On the flight back from taking out the terrorists, a botched sabotage attempt sees D1 (as Digital Man is officially known) crash land back on earth, in the desolate desert landscape of the Badwater nuclear testing range. The authorities, fearing that D1 has gone rogue, send a crack team of space commandos to decommission him and take back the launch codes.

There are civilians - made up of various cartoonish rednecks - living in Badwater, who soon find that D1 doesn't come in peace. The commandos (led by Kristen Dalton of the DEAD ZONE TV series and Ken Olandt of SUMMER SCHOOL, offering a romantic subplot) come to the defence of the locals, engaging in a series of explosion-laden throwdowns with Digital Man. Can they stop him before he transmits the launch codes and brings armageddon?

Digital Man is a sci-fi western (the soundtrack even features harmonica music). It takes the basic plot of countless westerns (including a number of Clint Eastwood vessels) of a lone stranger coming to town to protect its inhabitants from a ruthless gang of baddies and flips it on its head. So instead we have a gang of good guys protecting the locals from one ruthless stranger (although D1 never comes across as overtly evil, no matter how many innocent people he knocks off).

The line I mentioned from the back of the VHS correctly suggests that Roth unashamedly rips off bigger-budget scifi fare. The fact that Hues speaks with an Eastern European accent (he's German) makes the comparisons with The Terminator unavoidable, but the D1 POV shots with computer options are right out of Robocop.

The costumes are fantastically hokey - Digital Man and the commandos shoot guns that look like giant leafblowers, and the commandos' costumes consist of silver American Football pads over black clothing. The special effects are just as cheesy, particularly anything involving a spaceship or lasers, but there are plenty of big, pretty explosions to make up for it.

The cast of Digital Man includes lots of recognisable faces. On top of the always-enjoyable non-Baldwin-brother Adam Baldwin (PREDATOR 2) there's Paul Gleason (MANIAC COP 3), Ed Lauter (DEATH WISH 3), Don Swayze (DRIVING FORCE), Amanda Wyss (NIGHTMARE ON ELM ST) and even a brief appearance by Clint Howard (EVILSPEAK). The most fun character is a gun-toting granny played by the always-lively Susan Tyrrell, who is on screen too briefly to be able to to ham it up like she did in John Water's CRY-BABY, but still stands out.

Digital Man is good corny fun. Fans of scifi western should enjoy it, as should anyone looking for scifi that's not too heavy on plot and full of flashy explosions. I'm pretty sure it's never had a DVD release, but if you happen to come across the VHS, check it out.

Previews on my VHS: Buffalo Girls, Warriors, Never Say Die, Nine Months, The Brothers McMullen.

May 31 - The Last Hunter

2011-05-31T22:45:00.004+12:00

The cover of my VHS copy of The Last Hunter

The Last Hunter (1980)
Director: Antonio Margheriti
Format: VHS (Roadshow Home Video)

From the prolific sub-genre of Vietnam War flicks shot in the Philippines in the 70s and 80s comes Italian-produced The Last Hunter (aka L'ultimo cacciatore).

Directed by Antonio Margheriti (CANNIBAL APOCALYPSE), billed here as Anthony M. Dawson, it stars David Warbeck (THE BEYOND), who I was surprised to find out while researching this movie is a fellow countryman of mine (he was born in my home country of New Zealand, but lived in England for most of his career). Not that you'd know by watching this, as his voice is over-dubbed with an American accent.

We open to a group of GIs in a Saigon brothel during the Vietnam War. It becomes a tense scene as one of the soldiers, Steve, snaps and shoots another GI (while screaming "Where's Carol, why isn't she here?"). His buddy Captain Morris (Warbeck) tries to reason with Steve but the place is destroyed by a rocket attack in a huge explosion (a great way to start any action flick!).

Next we get a credits sequence with music that makes it feel like it should have Stephen J. Cannell's name attached to it, it's so reminiscent of 80s TV shows like The A Team.

After the credits, we see Morris in a helicopter being flown into Cambodia. After the helicopter is attacked, Morris leaps from it into the jungle, behind enemy lines. He meets Sgt George "Wash" Washington, played by Tony King (who played the similiarly-named Washington three years later in ATLANTIS INTERCEPTORS). They join up with the rest of the platoon, including the burly Carlos (Bobby Rhodes, DEMONS) and photographer Jane Foster (Tisa Farrow, ZOMBIE).

After a shootout with the enemy and some nasty VC booby-traps take care of a couple of their group, Morris and company arrive at an outpost led by the slightly crazy Major Cash (John Steiner, Mario Bava's SHOCK). Cash and his men are pinned down and losing morale thanks to a radio station spewing out VC propaganda.

Along the way Morris has a flashback to a scene with Steve and Carol (Margit Evelyn Newton, HELL OF THE LIVING DEAD), showing the trio together in happier times. We also learn Morris' secret mission is to knock out the radio transmitter and cut off the propaganda.

There's a zany scene (complete with wacky music) where one of the trapped soldiers runs through enemy fire to get a coconut from a nearby tree, while his comrades time him. Then the VC attack the GIs' underground bunker, resulting in a big shootout in which Morris busts out a flamethrower(!) but the VC make off with the girl.

Now running solo, Morris heads off to rescue her but ends up being captured and taken to the same village where she's being kept. Together they escape and head for a finale which wraps up both the main plot and the Steve-Carol subplot.

The Last Hunter is highly enjoyable. Its storyline is never boring and the action moves at a steady pace - Margheriti makes sure to have plenty of the gunfire and explosions (and there's some mighty big ones) you'd expect from this kind of movie.

My experience of watching these Philippines-shot war flicks (of which I understand there's hundreds) is sadly limited, so I don't know if they're all as gory as The Last Hunter. The blood and gore here is impressive - there's rotting flesh, wounds squirting blood, people on fire, a leg shot off leaving a bloody stump, a POW with half his face eaten off by rats, and more to keep the gore fans happy.

My VHS lists a running time of 96 minutes, which runs a minute longer than the two DVD releases available. But there's a Swedish VHS release listed at 97 minutes (called the 1980 banned version, according to IMDB), and I noticed one definite cut in my video. It is the attempted rape of Jane Foster by the GIs at the underground base, which is cut completely, leaving her referring to it after the fact, following a harsh jump from one scene to the next.

For me The Last Hunter ticks all the boxes of a good action movie.

Previews on my VHS: Caligula, Breathless, Survive!, Lone Wolf McQuade, Jaguar Lives, Zulu Dawn, Triumphs of a Man Called Horse, Full Moon High

May 29 - Two very different army flicks

2011-05-30T14:40:00.006+12:00

Today I watched two movies that share one thing - they're both about soldiers during a war. But that's where the comparisons end. One is an Italian flick directed by a cannibal movie legend and the other a made-for-TV monster movie.

The awesome cover of my VHS copy of Bridge to Hell

Bridge to Hell (1986)
Director: Umberto Lenzi
Format: VHS (Cannon)

Bridge to Hell, AKA Un ponte per l'inferno, is an Italian-made World War II movie directed by Umberto Lenzi, who of course is best known outside of Italy for his fleshmuncher gorefests like Cannibal Ferox, Eaten Alive and Man from Deep River.

The plot follows three soldiers who have escaped a Nazi prison camp in Yugoslavia. They are an American air force pilot (Andy J. Forest, MARK OF THE SCORPION), an Italian (Carlo Mucari, NIGHT OF THE SHARKS) and an Austrian deserter (Paki Valente). They join up with a group of freedom fighters and agree to fly their planes in bombing raids against the Germans.

One of the partisans, a former nun (Francesca Ferre), tells our trio about treasure held at her order's convent and, after running a second bombing raid, they decide to go after the booty (the gold that is, not the nun), with her in tow.

After some battles with Nazis along the way, the foursome arrives at the convent. Tricking the nuns, they make off with the treasure (the nun still in tow but unaware they've taken the loot) but must cross a heavily-guarded bridge (the titular Bridge to Hell) in order to make a complete getaway.

In the climactic battle there's the usual machine gun fire, grenade tossing and explosions and even some abseiling down the side of the huge bridge (which ends with some fantastically cheesy dummy work).

The acting is above average for this kind of movie, while the voice dubbing is about on par with what you'd expect from a low budget Italian movie. There's some great awkward overdubbed dialogue (After being rescued from a firing squad: "Vanya, are you still alive?", "Yes, but I'm surprised").

There's a good amount of action, but the low budget shows. According to IMDB.com, some footage is recycled from a couple of 1970s Yugoslav war movies, including some involving Nazi officers with attack dogs and, I'm guessing, the majority of the aerial combat scenes. Some of the miniature work is extremely cheesy.

A highlight is the excellent electronic music score is by Fabio Frizzi, who did the soundtracks for a bunch of Lucio Fulci movies (THE BEYOND, CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD, ZOMBI 2 etc).

Most of the supporting cast seem to be Yugoslavian, so I'm guessing that Lenzi filmed it on location in that country, adding an authenticity to proceedings.

My VHS runs at 88 minutes and doesn't seem to be cut. It's rated PG-13, so there's no nudity (in a scene where the nun-turned-fighter bathes in a river, she does so in her bra. Boo-urns!), swearing or gore.

The action's not as balls-to-the-wall as I would like, but overall Bridge to Hell is a good little Italian war flick. I'm not very well versed in this genre, so can't really compare it to others of its ilk, but I enjoyed it quite a bit.

Previews on my VHS: Nightmare Weekend, Thunder 2, The Adventure of the Action Hunters

Sand Serpents (2009)
Director: Jeff Renfroe
Format: DVD

This one should be called Tremors in Afghanistan. Not that Sand Serpents is as much fun as that 1990 movie, but its "monsters" are somewhat similar. They're a lot bigger (up to 60 feet high), but otherwise the titular sand serpents are very familiar. They're blind mutant sandworms that can travel underground at high speed (causing a ripple on the surface) and pick up potential victims by feeling the vibrations of their movement.

Sand Serpents is the 16th movie produced by RHI Entertainment for its Maneater series, which originally showed on Scifi channel (now Syfy) in the US. Scifi/Syfy original movies are much maligned but I love them. They're nothing if not consistent - you always know you're going to get some kind of nature run amok plotline, cheesy CGI and usually some washed-up actor from the 1980s.

In Sand Serpents said washed-up thespian is Jason Gedrick, star of 1984 cheesy, fun Top Gun knockoff Iron Eagle. Gedrick plays Lieutenant Richard Stanley of the US Army, who is charge of group of soldiers in Afghanistan. They're sent to investigate a disused gem mine and run into Taliban extremists, a resulting explosion awakening a group of ancient killer sandworms.

With a refugee father-and-daughter duo thrown into the mix, the soldiers must escape from the sand serpents, while also surviving firefights with the Taliban.

Unlike some of the other Maneater series flicks I've seen, the CGI is very good in this one. The acting is also pretty good. Gedrick is a competent lead man and the supporting cast is adequate if unspectacular (we get the smart ass guy, the street smart chick, the gruff sergeant and of course the former love of our main guy - the latter is a pre-requisite for these flicks).

Sand Serpents' biggest asset is its setting. Romania stands in for Afghanistan with a great barren landscape and bombed out buildings.

If you've seen any of these Scifi/Syfy movies before you'll know what to expect. They're not everyone's cup of tea, but I like them and Sand Serpents is probably the best of the half dozen I've seen so far.

May 28 - Vigilante Cop

2011-05-28T22:23:00.003+12:00

The cover of my VHS copy of Vigilante Cop

Vigilante Cop (1991)
Director: Mel Damski
Format: VHS (VM Distribution)

Vigilante Cop. It's a promising title, but one that comes with expectations of something a bit grittier and more action-packed than the TV movie that is attached to it. The more appropriate title is the one it had when it originally showed on TV - Shoot First: A Cop's Vengeance.

Farrell Tucker (Dale Midkiff, PET SEMETARY) and Stephen Smith (Alex McArthur, the DESPERADO series of TV movies) are two rookie police officer buddies patrolling the mean streets of San Antonio, Texas. Smith is idealistic to a fault, but soon finds that life on patrol isn't as black and white as he thought it would be.

When a street thug escapes justice on a technicality, he starts taking matters into his own hands as his world unravels. Now the titular vigilante cop, Smith kills off those who escape justice while becoming paranoid and alienating those close to him, leading to a climactic showdown with his best buddy (foreshadowed in an opening scene).

Let's be clear. This isn't an action movie. There are a few shootings and one explosion, but in essence it's about the breakdown in the relationship between the two friends. And remember, it's a TV movie so don't expect any nudity or gore.

The supporting cast is solid. Terry O'Quinn (THE STEPFATHER) is a police sergeant who first suspects a vigilante is at work, Dan Bell (one of Wayne's and Garth's stoner buddies in WAYNE'S WORLD) is a street criminal, Jeremy Davies (RAVENOUS) is briefly on screen as a punk, Bruce McGill (ANIMAL HOUSE, MACGYVER) is a crooked cop and Loryn Locklin (Christopher Lambert's wife in FORTRESS) is a diner waitress who falls in love with and marries Smith.

Fans of TV movie melodrama might find Vigilante Cop worth watching (if they can get their hands on it - it hasn't been released on DVD), but otherwise it's safe to give this one a miss.

Previews on my VHS tape: The Fatal Image, Captive, Immortal Sins.

May 27 - Masterblaster

2011-05-27T17:06:00.004+12:00

The cover of my VHS copy of Masterblaster

Masterblaster (1987)
Director: Glenn R Wilder
Format: VHS (CBS/Fox)

An action slasher in which the participants of a paintball game are picked off for real? Check. The one-and-only directing credit for a stuntman who did stunts on movies like Die Hard and Terminator 2? Check. Starring a bunch of other stuntmen and actors whose credits include Martial Arts Opponent in Blue Shirt? Yes indeed. Count me in!

To say my expectations were high going into this one is an understatement. I mean, for a start check out that cover! And those expectations only got higher when the opening credits rolled and a corny theme song started to play, with lyrics like "You'd better look ahead as well as behind you; At anytime someone could disqualify you".

The plot: $50,000 is up for grabs in the Master Blaster Grand National Championships, a simulated war game that is like paintball with booby traps. Only once the game begins, someone starts killing players one by one (despite the back cover of the VHS saying "REAL bullets kill!", most of the kills are by other methods, like strangling and stabbing.

The early part is used to set up the usual red herrings, before we're introduced to the players. There's a couple of comic relief Hispanic goofballs, three racist rednecks, a massive mafia bodyguard, a Japanese warrior and other assorted fodder.

The main characters are Vietnam vet motorcycle rider Jeremy Hawk (Jeff Moldovan - a stuntman with 39 stunt credits and a few bit part acting credits) and his love interest, police officer Samantha Rosen (Donna Rosea, PORKY'S REVENGE). There's also rock star Lewis Carlisle (Peter Lundblad - his only acting credit), who has the most awesome blond mullet since Patrick Swayze in the famous SNL Chippendales skit.

Watching this I couldn't help but think of the paintball scenes in Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives. There's a scene where the killer reaches down from above to grab a victim, just like Jason, and one of the players even wears a camoflage hockey mask.

We all know 80s slashers need to have two things - nudity and gore. Unfortunately they're both sparse (we get one token topless shower scene and a nice beheading), but my VHS is 81 minutes and IMDB lists it at 94 minutes, so who knows what has been cut out. In the version I saw you couldn't really class it a horror.

The acting is about what you'd expect from a bunch of no-names and on par with most slashers - not great but not too wince-inducing.

For a movie directed by a stuntman and featuring stuntmen, you'd expect good fight scenes and while there are disappointingly-few of them, there's a nice barroom brawl early in the piece and a lengthy fistfight later that incorporates knives and even nunchucks!

The reveal of the killer's identity is a bit lame but not the worst I've seen.

Masterblaster isn't a classic by any means, but it's a rare gem (not available on DVD as far I can tell) that I'm glad I got the opportunity to see.

Previews on my VHS: Big Trouble in Little China, Kiss of the Spider Woman, Lightship.

May 26 - The Hammer visits the Philippines

2011-05-26T22:08:00.003+12:00

Black Cobra II (1990)
Director: Edoardo Margheriti
Format: TV

By 1990, former NFL hardman Fred "the Hammer" Williamson's best days were behind him. He was 52 years old and well removed from the height of his cinematic career, which came in a string of blaxploitation movies of the 1970s.

The age of 52 might not seem that old (Chuck Norris still kicks butt in his 60s), but for someone with a lengthy career in the rigours of American football, 52 might as well be 82. And the Hammer looks about that old early on in Black Cobra II (in which he plays cop Robert Malone) as he hobbles after a criminal through the streets of Chicago.

Somehow he manages to catch up to the crook and ends up blowing him away. His police captain isn't happy (are they ever?) and sends him to Manilla, Philippines on some sort of Interpol exchange as punishment.

There he has his wallet stolen at the airport and meets local cop Nicholas Hammond (your friendly neighbourhood web-slinger in the 1970s TV series THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN). Together they search for the crim who stole Malone's wallet, who ends up dead. They investigate and come across a group of shady underworld characters. What we essentially get is a buddy cop movie with two "partners" who start off not liking each other.

We're talking real cookie cutter stuff here - Malone is the loose cannon and Hammond's character the conservative cop who likes to play by the rules. Gee, I wonder if they'll end up respecting each other by the movie's end?

There's also an attractive love interest for Malone, played by some girl who never acted again, according to IMDB.com (despite the fact her acting isn't as bad as Williamson's or Hammond's).

Some of the Philippino cultural stuff adds colour to proceedings, but otherwise Black Cobra II is a snorefest. The acting is flat across the board (Hammond being the biggest culprit) and the action is sparse. When Williamson busts out his "martial arts" skills to beat on bad guys it's frankly embarassing watching him try to get his leg up past waist height.

The final act features shootouts, a couple of explosions (accompanied by groovy 80s-style synth-and-cowbell music) and a finale involving terrorists, but you'll be lucky if you're still awake by then.

I haven't seen the first Black Cobra (1987) or the third (released the same year as part 2 and, I'm guessing, filmed at the same time in Manilla), but if Black Cobra II is anything to go by, I'm not missing much and won't be seeking them out.

May 25 - "Bad actors fight evil in the future" double feature

2011-05-25T18:46:00.007+12:00

Today I watched two cheesy action flicks featuring uncharismatic lead actors battling evil in the future.

The cover of my VHS copy of Lunar Cop

Lunar Cop (1995)
Director: Boaz Davidson
Format: VHS (Nu Image)

In the year 2050, 27 years after an "ecological apocalypse" called the Big Burn (climate change on steroids maybe?), rich survivors live on a moon base. They've developed a serum that will "refoliate" the planet, but a pesky bunch of terrorists steal it and flee to Earth.

Michael Pare (EDDIE AND THE CRUISERS) stars as Joe Brody, a cop sent to earth to retrieve the serum. Upon arrival he saves pretty "savage" Thora (Walker Brandt, CITY SLICKERS) from rape at the hands of Kay (Billy Drago, CYBORG 2), the leader of The Rough Boys, a gang of motorbike-riding savages who look like they're late for a Mad Max convention.

Brody befriends the people of Thora's peace-loving colony and from there Space Mutiny boils down to a "good guy helps peasants fight back against baddies using unconventional methods" scenario, which we've all seen a million times, mosty in westerns.

There's a twist that makes Brody question his allegiance to the moon dwellers and a final showdown with his robot partner from the moon (foreshadowed in the opening), and then a final twist that is definitely more of a surprise and ends up quite heartfelt.

Now, I love a good post-apocalyptic flick. Love 'em. But one of the major problems I have with Lunar Cop is it doesn't feel very apocalyptic. Aside from some Road Warrior-esque costumes, it could be set in the deserts of present day Mexico or the South West of the US. Everything's too clean and polished to be post-apocalyptic. At least make it dirty and gritty!

That gripe aside, the action is pretty good, with director Boaz Davidson (AMERICAN CYBORG: STEEL WARRIOR) making sure there are lots and lots of motorcycles flying through the air, explosions, shot gun blasts and fist fights to keep things interesting. This is Davidson's last credited directing job though, so I guess the studio wasn't happy with his efforts.

Pare has always relied on his good looks and as usual here he comes up short in the charisma department. Luckily that's something Billy Drago has plenty of, and aside from the action he's the reason to watch Lunar Cop.

Previews on my VHS: Streetcar named Desire (1995), Bird of Prey, A Walk in the Clouds, The Brothers MacMullen.

The cover of my VHS copy of Space Mutiny

Space Mutiny (1988)
Director: David Winters and Neal Sundstrom
Format: VHS (Palace)

At some point in the future the remnants of the human race are travelling through space on a massive spaceship that is virtually a floating planet. Sound familiar? Battlestar Galactica maybe?

I haven't watched the new TV series, but I'm very familiar with the original 70s series, so straight away I recognised the space battle footage early on in Space Mutiny as being recycled from it. It's unmistakeable - the same Star Wars-ripoff fighters and Cylon ships, even the laser sound effects remain unchanged.

Onto this colony ship comes Dave Ryder (former American footballer Reb Brown, who played Captain America in two CAPTAIN AMERICA TV movies), who is a ruggedly-handsome fighter pilot. He immediately gets mixed up in a plot by one of the ship's commanders (John Phillip Law, who played Sinbad in 1973's THE GOLDEN VOYAGE OF SINBAD), who sabotages things in the hope the ship will be forced to land on a nearby planet. He's sick of floating through space and wants to feel terra firma beneath his shiny space boots. Assisting him in this plot is another traiterous officer, played by James Ryan (KICKBOXER 5).

Cameron Mitchell (TOOLBOX MURDERS) is the Lorne Greene of the ship, all wise with his bushy white beard and flowing robes. His daughter and Ryder's love interest is played by Cisse Cameron, who ended up marrying Brown.

As Ryder battles to save the ship from the mutineers, there's a weird subplot involving a group of female space witches, which feels like it was added to pad out the running time. And it probably was.

As well as the recycled Battlestar Galactica footage, there's plenty more space cheese to go around. Some of the costumes are right out of American Gladiator, while others are the more conventional Star Trek/Wars ripoffs. Apparently in the future they use hula hoops to boogie to corny synth music while dry ice fills the dance floor. And wait until you see the chase scenes involving what amount to galactic bumper cars.

The acting? Oh, it's bad. Brown struggles any time he is called upon to emote, but luckily most of his lines consist of yelling "Let's move" or "Son of a bitch" while running around shooting lasers. Law's bad guy is quite dastardly - we know that because of the amount of times he gives an uber-evil Mwa-ha-ha laugh. All that's missing is a curly mustache for him to twirl.

Bad acting. Cheesy special effects and costumes. A lame plot. What does all this add up to? A damn good time, naturally! Space Mutiny sits right up there with some of the best cheesefests going around. Definitely recommended!

Oh, and apparently this was riffed by Mystery Science Theater 3000. I like MST3K but haven't seen that episode, of which I'm kinda glad. It was fun to see Space Mutiny in all of its natural glory first.

Previews on my VHS: The Invisible Kid, Tiger Warsaw, Cameron's Closet, Across the Lake

May 24 - Sinai Commandos and a Franco Nero double feature

2011-05-24T11:43:00.008+12:00

Today's viewing consisted of a nice little triple feature of b-movies set in exotic places - the Middle East, Colombia and Mexico - two of them featuring Italian action star Franco Nero.

Sinai Commandos (1968)
Director: Raphael Nussbaum
Format: DVD (First Look's Grindhouse Experience Vol 2)

The concept of a rag-tag bunch of soldiers fighting their way through enemy territory to destroy a radar station/ammunition dump/gun position/whatever has been done countless times in war and action movies. But while the setting for these tales is usually World War II (Pacific, Europe or North Africa), Vietnam or Korea, Sinai Commandos offers a new setting - the Six Day War in the Middle East.

I'll admit to knowing very little about that conflict before watching this movie (and subsequently doing some internet research). As the name would suggest, it was fought for six days (June 5-10 1967), between Israel and the combined forces of its Arab neighbours.

Depending on your political leaning, the war was either an act of aggression by Israel or a pre-emptive strike of a defensive nature. Either way, when all was said and done, Israel had taken control of the West Bank and East Jerusalem from Jordan, Golan Heights from Syria and the Gaza Strip and Sinai Peninsula from Egypt.

But enough about the history - you want to know about Sinai Commandos, am I right? Well, needless to say this Israeli-American-German production is firmly on the side of Israel being the heroic underdogs fighting back against the evil Arabs.

Directed by German Raphael Nussbaum (whose credits also include 1976's intriguingly-named THE AMOROUS ADVENTURES OF DON QUIXOTE AND SANCHO PANZA), it stars Robert Fuller (a veteran of westerns, including long stints on TV shows LARAMIE and WAGON TRAIN) as the leader of a group of Israeli soldiers sent into the Egypt-held Sinai region to blow up a radar station that will allow Israel to turn the tide in the war.

Joining their mission is a pretty woman (Esther Ulmann - her only acting credit) who sneaks them into enemy territory on her father's speedboat and tags along after the boat is sunk. The rest of the commando characters aren't fleshed out too much, with the exception of womanising Private Bulgaro (Reuven Bar-Yotam, making his on screen debut before going on to a career in US television).

While things start off quite slowly, once the action starts Nussbaum does a good enough job of keeping things interesting. As you would probably expect from a movie of this nature, the plot boils down to a string of firefights, as the commandos move on from one incident to the next amidst the barren rock landscape of the Sinai.

Baring in mind this movie was made in 1968 (they didn't mess around in getting it done after the war), it's missing the trappings of later war-action movies. Forget outrageous explosions and cartoonish characters, but if you're after a straight forward war flick with lots of machine guns and grenades, Sinai Commandos is worth a watch.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, Israel withdrew from the Sinai Peninsula in 1982. History lesson over.

Alien Terminator (1988)
Director: Nello Rosatti
Format: AVI (VHSrip)

When I was preparing to sit down and watch this, I thought it was the 1995 film with the same name, an erotic scifi flick starring former Las Vegas showgirl Maria Ford. That's the problem when all you've got is a computer file with a name - there's no cover, so mix ups can happen.

So imagine my delight when I started watching and the opening credits appeared. Franco Nero! George Kennedy! Directed by Nello Rosatti!

Instead of a bad 90s skin flick, here we've got an Italian production, shot in Colombia, which was originally titled Top Line. Alien Terminator is the name it got upon video release in the UK.

The previous year Rosatti had
directed Django 2, the sequel
to the groundbreaking 1966 scifi western Django. The sequel once again starred the great Franco Nero as the title character and was filmed in Colombia. It doesn't take much deduction to figure out Rosatti probably filmed Alien Terminator while he was on location, especially since the two movies share another couple of actors in common - William Berger and Rodrigo Obregon.

Nero plays drunken author Ted Angelo, who lives in Colombia on the dollar of his rich publisher ex-wife (Mary Stavin, HOWLING V). When he comes across some priceless Aztec artefacts that get his museum curator friend (Berger) killed, he and his friend's assistant (the lovely Deborah Moore, WARRIORS OF THE APOCALYPSE) are thrown into a dangerous series of events that involve secret agents, an evil artefact collector (Kennedy, COOL HAND LUKE) and a UFO buried inside a mountain.

The first two thirds of the movie are entertaining enough, unfolding like a jungle adventure mystery, but with a name like Alien Terminator you could be forgiven for expecting more... well, alien terminators. For that you'll have to wait until the last third, which is thankfully when things really pick up. As well as the long-awaited arrival of a terminator-ripoff alien robot, there's also an exciting highspeed pursuit through windy mountain roads with Angelo on the back of a truck being driven by drunk chicken farmer, as well as shootouts, explosions and a twist ending that's nicely done.

Nero struggles through his lines in English, but does well as an ageing action star. His funniest line comes during a shootout with the alien terminator, when his lady friend asks "Who could have built a machine like that?" and he replies "Not even the Japanese".

It's a shame there couldn't have been more of the fun stuff in the last portion of this movie throughout its running time, as the build up takes a bit too long to get going. But if you go into Alien Terminator knowing what to expect - a jungle adventure with some elements of scifi - you shouldn't be disappointed.

The Shark Hunter (1979)
Director: Enzo G Castellari
Format: DVD (First Look's Grindhouse Experience Vol 2)

In the late 70s, Jaws rip-offs were a dime a dozen. Following Spielberg's 1975 blockbuster came Mako: Jaws of Death (1976), Orca: The Killer Whale (1977), Piranha (1978) and a whole host more.

The Shark Hunter (aka Il cacciatore di squali, aka El cazador de Tiburones) isn't a direct riff on the adventures of Bruce the shark, but it is clearly cashing in on the craze. Directed by Enzo G Castellari (1990: THE BRONX WARRIORS), it stars Franco Nero (DJANGO) as a Quint-esque grizzled shark hunter haunted by the past. In his case it's the deaths of his wife and child and a plane crash in the waters off Mexico.

Sporting ridiculous long blonde hair, Nero's character (Mike di Donato) lives at a Mexican beach resort (shades of the other Nero movie I've watched today, where he was an American living in Colombia). He is
happy hunting sharks, but has also devised a plan to
retrieve 100 million dollars from the sunken plane
from which he was the only survivor.

A local crimelord (Eduardo Fajardo, DJANGO) and his assorted hired muscle are also after the money, as is a former colleague of di Donato's from a shady American agency (Michael Forest, BEAST FROM HAUNTED CAVE). Jorge Luke (CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER) offers the comic relief as loud mouth local Acapulco, who becomes di Donato's sidekick.

The race is on for the money, with plenty of shoot outs, explosions, fist fights and high speed chases (including one between a seaplane and a speedboat) to keep things interesting. And the sharks? Well, they mostly just swim around looking menacing until the finale, when they finally get to chomp on some suckas.

The DVD I watched was a straight rip of a VHS (with hard Dutch subtitles), so the picture quality wasn't that great. A lot of the underwater shots were too dark to see what was going on, but luckily there's not too many of them.

The Shark Hunter is above-average 1970s action and a must for any fans of Franco Nero.